How do you talk to someone who won't listen?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

As seems to happen a lot, I have found myself in a marriage based on very similar dynamics to my childhood r'ship with my folks. 

uBPD/NPDm and OCD father who is very emotionally detached ie about 15 years after I moved out of home I recall asking him why he had never visited me and he looked surprised and said "It never occurred to me."

My main issues with DH are the same as my issues with my mother - he simply cannot (will not) hear me. He is classic PA - chooses whatever is most important to me to push against from small issues to big ones. Eg if I ask him to leave the PC on as I have unsaved work he'll turn it off.

If I ask him to leave a light on as I'm leaving a room he turns it off after I've gone.

If I ask him to leave the hot water on he turns it off etc.

Then the big issues - could you please say thank you for the meals I cook, or can you say a compliment to me or can you tell me you love me/ nope nope and nope. Occasionally he'll make a very small token to one of the things but it is with grudging - "That meal was all right" (thank you) "Are you going out?' (that's apparently a compliment on how I am dressed) etc

Any attempt to discuss anything about my feelings towards the r'ship are met with eyeroll and tongue click and then absence. and I do mean any attempt.

That's probably the worst thing. How can you engage if they won't listen?

Anyhow recently, as I have identified his inability to express emotions I have been withdrawing and observing. For the first time in 18 years he actually asked me if anything was wrong. I kept it short and simple focussing on the fact that I've been unhappy for sometime and have felt unsupported in dealing with the pain of the discovery of the BPD and the childhood issues it has raised - in particular, a very violent and emotionally abusive home. He responded by saying "Are you unhappy because we haven't gone on a cruise?"

What the everloving? no one ever said anything about a cruise. Ever!

Since then there has been a token toward all the things I have complained about in the past (reflecting that he must have heard some of what I've said?)

Now the other behaviours are creeping back in.

He has almost no self insight and seemingly no desire to improve himself in anything.

He has no friends save for old childhood buddies who live interstate) whom he speaks to on the phone 3-4 times per year.

He doesn't go anywhere or do anything except go to work and potter around our rural property.

He doesn't eat meals with us, go on outings with us, travel with us or be involved in anyway in the children's discipline or education or spiritual needs. He engages very superficially with them and only has conversations with me regarding household stuff or his concerns. I am both father and mother in most respects.

i am frustrated, lonely and becoming emotionally disconnected.

I am not willing to leave the marriage at this point nor am I sure how to go about improving my situation.

Any advice/input would be most welcome

ziggiddy

[Ziggiddy]

As seems to happen a lot, I have found myself in a marriage based on very similar dynamics to my childhood r'ship with my folks. 

uBPD/NPDm and OCD father who is very emotionally detached ie about 15 years after I moved out of home I recall asking him why he had never visited me and he looked surprised and said "It never occurred to me."

My main issues with DH are the same as my issues with my mother - he simply cannot (will not) hear me. He is classic PA - chooses whatever is most important to me to push against from small issues to big ones. Eg if I ask him to leave the PC on as I have unsaved work he'll turn it off.

If I ask him to leave a light on as I'm leaving a room he turns it off after I've gone.

If I ask him to leave the hot water on he turns it off etc.

Then the big issues - could you please say thank you for the meals I cook, or can you say a compliment to me or can you tell me you love me/ nope nope and nope. Occasionally he'll make a very small token to one of the things but it is with grudging - "That meal was all right" (thank you) "Are you going out?' (that's apparently a compliment on how I am dressed) etc

Any attempt to discuss anything about my feelings towards the r'ship are met with eyeroll and tongue click and then absence. and I do mean any attempt.

That's probably the worst thing. How can you engage if they won't listen?

Anyhow recently, as I have identified his inability to express emotions I have been withdrawing and observing. For the first time in 18 years he actually asked me if anything was wrong. I kept it short and simple focussing on the fact that I've been unhappy for sometime and have felt unsupported in dealing with the pain of the discovery of the BPD and the childhood issues it has raised - in particular, a very violent and emotionally abusive home. He responded by saying "Are you unhappy because we haven't gone on a cruise?"

What the everloving? no one ever said anything about a cruise. Ever!

Since then there has been a token toward all the things I have complained about in the past (reflecting that he must have heard some of what I've said?)

Now the other behaviours are creeping back in.

He has almost no self insight and seemingly no desire to improve himself in anything.

He has no friends save for old childhood buddies who live interstate) whom he speaks to on the phone 3-4 times per year.

He doesn't go anywhere or do anything except go to work and potter around our rural property.

He doesn't eat meals with us, go on outings with us, travel with us or be involved in anyway in the children's discipline or education or spiritual needs. He engages very superficially with them and only has conversations with me regarding household stuff or his concerns. I am both father and mother in most respects.

i am frustrated, lonely and becoming emotionally disconnected.

I am not willing to leave the marriage at this point nor am I sure how to go about improving my situation.

Any advice/input would be most welcome

ziggiddy

[Cat Familiar]

Wow! I have only pale echoes of some of the issues you've mentioned in my relationship. I must say, you've certainly got yourself a very disengaged partner. Was he always like this or is this something that has developed over time? I'm assuming you're not interested in leaving the marriage due to financial issues or is it something else?

As you've noticed, changing the dynamics of your relationship did get his attention. But how oblivious, thinking you wanted to go on a cruise! It almost sounds like he's got Aspergers--he's so emotionally disconnected from both you and the children.

It seems like doing what I've heard called "Pattern Interrupt" where you do things that are entirely unexpected might be a start. But I'm baffled. I can imagine how lonely your life is. And how frustrating!  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ziggiddy, How about visiting family or friends to get some perspective?  Do you have anyone with whom you can confide your feelings and concerns?  It seems like you are "stuck" emotionally, unable to go forwards or backwards.  Do you have a T?  If not, perhaps it's time to get one?

LuckyJim

[Silveron]

Easy.  You don't.  That's what I learned.  Why even bother?  They know that their response will get to you.  What they do hate, is silence, at least my BPDW does.  When I talk she complains about it, but there was a time where I didn't talk to her for 3 days (we were celebrating my bday at a bar and she didn't like the song I played and made a big scene and left).  She told me that she would rather have slit her wrists then have me not talk to her.

Just stop doing things for him.  Let him complain but don't answer back.  If he keeps pushing the issue, just tell him you are 'thinking about things'.  That will drive him nuts.

Been married almost 12 years.  I'm numb to the verbal and emotional abuse, the threats, etc...   It's my daughter that is having a hard time with it.  It's easier on myself and my daughter to not engage.

They won't compliment, give credit or want you to be happy. 

[formflier]

He doesn't eat meals with us, go on outings with us, travel with us or be involved in anyway in the children's discipline or education or spiritual needs. He engages very superficially with them and only has conversations with me regarding household stuff or his concerns. I am both father and mother in most respects.

This is where the focus should be, IMO. 

The other things are his choice. 

My guess is he is not in T or MC with you. 

What does he actually do with his time?  Does he fix his own food?  Does he have income?  Perhaps you can paint a picture of an average day for me. 

Are you on a farm?  We lived on farm for number of years, no real time to be able to "check out" and do you own thing.  Lots to do.

Ultimately, I see you going to more of a family counselor and see if he will come along.  You need guidance in how to parent without him, or with him.

This should help you figure out the future.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Sorry to hear, Silveron:

Been married almost 12 years.  I'm numb to the verbal and emotional abuse, the threats, etc...   It's my daughter that is having a hard time with it.  It's easier on myself and my daughter to not engage.

I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years, though we separated after 13 years, so I can relate to your situation.  Agree, the drama is exhausting, because it never lets up.  Always thought/hoped we would get to a place of relative calm in our marriage, but it never happened.  Agree, don't engage, because engaging is usually unproductive and brings you down to their level.  Detachment is key, as you note.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

I hear you!

I have dealt with the passive aggression a lot.  I find your summary that whatever you value or want, is what he withholds and controls. I'm not sure if I'm putting words in your mouth, but, that is how I feel with my wife.  I can't number how many times I have felt her resisting what I want, or might like, or need, just because.  When it's her idea, then of course she wants it.  Mine?  Then there's just one other thing first, or, not now, or just ignorance.  I find it so maddening. 

Until I realized it was just life with her.  And it is what it is.  And I can't change her. 

I worked on me, and sadly, I have just about completely re-wired myself to be independent of her.  I simply don't have wants that she can fulfill - or withhold.  I still have needs, wants, desires, and feelings, but, I have gotten to where I accept what happens, and disconnect my happiness from anything she can do.  Ironically, she has apologized more often (we were up to about three apologies for her behaviors in 18 years before then).  She has initiated intimacy more often (seemingly only slightly above her record for apology over the years).  She is taking more responsibility.  Meanwhile, I have become more of a place-holder husband.  I do what I must, but, the joy, the angst, the investment is pretty much gone.  You ask what you can do to improve the situation.  I think my advice is that you can't really improve him, you can improve you.  However, in the end, it takes two healthy people to have a healthy relationship.  And that cannot happen.  So, you deal with it the best you can.  I pushed deeper into hobbies and fitness, and of course parenting, in my case.

Maybe to compensate, I am more fully a father to my kids than ever, and I've always been involved and nurturing, but now more than ever.  So, I work on what I can, and I stay away from what I can't.

[Ziggiddy]

Wow.

And I mean that. This has been so clarifying.

Thank you for reading my post and giving such honest direct answers. I'm actually a little emotional at the sense of being heard. And understood.

ff - yes we are on a farm, very rural, closest large town is 50 miles away. Nearest neighbours about a mile. We both have off farm jobs too although mine is seasonal and pt.

Cat Familiar: thanks for the virtual hug!

As far as counselling goes - I have been in and out of therapy for about 2 years. 1st therapist retired. 2nd died, 3rd was exceptionally drawn to BPD clients and enjoyed their emotional flux. In the last session (re: my mother) she spent around 15 minutes explaining that I should be more sympathetic to my mother's bg and improve my ways of listening to her.

4th therapist is on extended leave after surgery. There simply aren't any others available within 150 miles.

Lucky Jim As far as friends and family go, my folks are far too self absorbed and emotionally disconnected to help. Any attempt to talk about him to my mother turns very quickly into her complaining about my father (see note: ":)oesn't listen to me!" I have become estranged from many friends as DH is antisocial and discourages visitors  (surprise visits from my friends will get me a 3 day silent treatment etc)

The few friends I have tried to confide in have been variously judgmental ("Why are you putting up with that? Can't you think of your kids?" confused ("But he doesn't act like that around me?" and mostly disbelieving ("You must be mistaken. Why would anyone do that?"

ff average day: he wakes early, wakes the kids (despite them asking over and over not to) works an 8 hour day, comes home goes to the shed. D2 (9) goes to do her homework with him there. He stays in the shed drinking a few beers, reads paper does a little farm wotk. Back to the shed till kids are in bed. I go out there, listen to him for around 15 minutes (work things/household) then he goes in, eats tea, lies on the couch watches TV goes to bed.

Weekends : mornings on couch watching TV; afternoons in shed/on property. Oh he cooks bbq lunch for kids on Saturdays. Including meat for the vegetarian daughter. This routine is almost invariable.

Until recently I made his lunches. He does his own laundry. I do the inside housework he does the outside work.

Silveron

Just stop doing things for him.  Let him complain but don't answer back.  If he keeps pushing the issue, just tell him you are 'thinking about things'.

Actually I like the sound of that. Interesting thought just popped up this minute. he won't complain. he'll just find a way to 'punish' that behaviour. Hm. I'm thinking that would be worth testing

SamwizeGamgee

I find your summary that whatever you value or want, is what he withholds and controls. I'm not sure if I'm putting words in your mouth, but, that is how I feel with my wife.  I can't number how many times I have felt her resisting what I want, or might like, or need, just because.  When it's her idea, then of course she wants it.  Mine?  Then there's just one other thing first, or, not now, or just ignorance.  I find it so maddening. 

YES! yesyesyes! That's exactly it. And yes I get what you mean about maddening. Thank you for that! And along with the pushing away of what you said/want/try to do is the pushing in of the thought they insist you are thinking/saying wanting (see: cruise!)

I relate to almost everything you said in your reply. Same with me.

  I do what I must, but, the joy, the angst, the investment is pretty much gone.

That is exactly how I feel.

I am curious as to your decision to stick with your marriage. May I ask what influences it?

I want to stay - feel I should ( 'for better or for worse' but see this as just a space of time to endure till one of us dies.

[Lucky Jim]

I want to stay - feel I should ( 'for better or for worse' but see this as just a space of time to endure till one of us dies.

Sad to read that, Ziggiddy.  That's no way to live.  It sounds like what Thoreau described as a life of "quiet desperation."  I should know, because I was in your shoes.  What I didn't know at the time was that a change could bring more joy and happiness into my life.  I had no strength to change.  It has been an uphill journey, but worth the effort.

LuckyJim

[Ziggiddy]

I'm hoping it's a temporary feeling Jim. Just feeling the futility of it all. It's certainly not what I imagined life/marriage would be.

What change did you find brought you joy? It must have been a difficult decision to separate after so many years?

Z

[SamwizeGamgee]

SamwizeGamgee

I find your summary that whatever you value or want, is what he withholds and controls. I'm not sure if I'm putting words in your mouth, but, that is how I feel with my wife.  I can't number how many times I have felt her resisting what I want, or might like, or need, just because.  When it's her idea, then of course she wants it.  Mine?  Then there's just one other thing first, or, not now, or just ignorance.  I find it so maddening. 

YES! yesyesyes! That's exactly it. And yes I get what you mean about maddening. Thank you for that! And along with the pushing away of what you said/want/try to do is the pushing in of the thought they insist you are thinking/saying wanting (see: cruise!)

I relate to almost everything you said in your reply. Same with me.

  I do what I must, but, the joy, the angst, the investment is pretty much gone.

That is exactly how I feel.

I am curious as to your decision to stick with your marriage. May I ask what influences it?

I want to stay - feel I should ( 'for better or for worse' but see this as just a space of time to endure till one of us dies.

Now it's my turn to feel all emotional at being validated!  Thank you for hearing me.  It's meaningful to know that others feel similarly and go through what I go through.  

As to your question of why is stay, I will attempt to think as I type:

- Unlike so many people who share feelings on these and other forums, I do not feel in-love, or bound my having been in love.  I do not care to be near her, see her, hear her.  Not that I am angry anymore, I simply am spent 'loving" her.  It's been over 18 years now, and the damage is done.  That said, I still have a human compassion for her well being.  I do not wish her evil, rather I wish her all the joy and what happiness her twisted psyche can afford.  I simply am outside the danger zone now.

- I stay for reasons that are more practical.  Marriage and family is a contract.  I fulfill all my contracts - until they are paid.  I cannot stay for ever, I hope, but for now I have five young kids, from 5 to 17.  Although times are changing, there is an unspoken axiom in divorce that more often than not, a divorce results in mom getting the kids and dad getting the bills - and the stigma of being the "visiting" parent.  If I divorce, not only will she financially drain me, she can use the courts to effectively force me out of my kids life - followed by alienation, brainwashing, and myriad other afflictions resulting from her malformed personality.  She could shack-up with a drugged-out pedophile for all I know.  To modify the old saying, a woman scorned hath no fury like that of the vindictive BPD woman.  She is more the waif type, so there's the possibility that she shuts down and divorces quietly, or, takes her own life, or turns all of her hurt into malevolence towards me and the kids.  None of those are good for the kids.

- I stay as a guardian to my kids.  I study, and apply what I have learned to raising resilient survivors as kids.  I stand alone sometimes as the only parent who acts like a parent.  I am gravely concerned about the role model I set by staying, but, the risks are too high, and I am strong enough, and smart enough, and now aware enough to withstand her madness.  The kids will not see a healthy relationship*, but, they will sense a protector.  

          * they will not see a healthy relationship whether I divorce or not.  

- I stay for as long as seeing the kids is still worth seeing her.

[Ziggiddy]

SamwizeGamgee

That was so well expressed. I can see you have given it a good deal of thought. Again you have echoed my own sentiments; especially the contractual obligations and foresight to what you envisage for your children.

I confess I have had the same deep fears of setting an unhealthy example of what marriage should be like. I imagine you would have to walk a very fine line in explaining what is dysfunctional behaviour so they know it and not overburdening them or affecting their natural feelings of love for their mother. I am humbled. You are obviously unselfish and they are bound to benefit from knowing that they have a parent who is fully on their side. That is a wonderful gift to give them.

I never really thought about the ramifications of separation in terms of uncontrolled factors (ie new partners/court cases etc) And of course if your wife has ungoverned emotions, she is unlikely to protect her children the same way you seem intent on doing. In fact I can see that the emotional manipulation could go out of control. I also didn't think about self harm which is always a possibility.

Sigh. How sad to have to do all the thinking and out thinking and planning. It must be exhausting. And all without the support of that person who should be on your side.

You have clarified a number of issues that I hadn't looked at. Thank you for that.

And you are also correct in reminding me of other hobbies/activities. I didn't realise how much every other thing has fallen by the wayside in the search for answers to this.

I appreciate your thoughts as well as your example.

Z

[Lucky Jim]

Samwize: I can confirm because this actually happened to me:

If I divorce, not only will she financially drain me, she can use the courts to effectively force me out of my kids life - followed by alienation, brainwashing, and myriad other afflictions resulting from her malformed personality. 

It's terrible to be estranged from my kids (ages 16 & 17), but they are close to the point where they can start thinking for themselves, so I remain hopeful that the tide will turn, though I can't be sure of the time horizon.  In the meantime, it's hell and a daily sadness.  Nevertheless, I like to think that I demonstrated for my kids that change is possible and one need not remain a victim of abuse.

Zigg: We separated after 13 years of marriage, divorced after 16 years.  Towards the end, I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak.  I nearly destroyed myself physically, emotionally and financially.  I lacked the strength to leave.  Fortunately for me, two kind friends and a family member conducted an intervention in which they pointed out that my marriage was broken and pledged to support me if I decided to leave, which I agreed to do.    Without those caring souls, I would probably be dead or in jail.  If that sounds melodramatic, I don't mean it that way because it was a reality for me.

Have more to say so might chime in again later.

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

What change did you find brought you joy? It must have been a difficult decision to separate after so many years?

Hello again, Zig, Sure, it was an extremely difficult decision to separate but, as noted above, I didn't really have a choice.  I was drowning in the BPD soup.

As to how I rediscovered joy, I would say that it all started when I decided to strive for authenticity in my life.  During my marriage, I was living a lie, pretending that things were OK when they were definitely not.  I was scared to admit that I was the victim of physical and emotional abuse.  I was isolated from friends and family.  I felt lost. 

No more.  Now I'm back on my path and life is a journey towards authenticity.  I'm not saying that the going has been easy, but I don't mind the challenges because it's my true path.  Many people here have a fear of the unknown, which is understandable, yet what I've found is that the unknown is also where one can find joy and more happiness.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

Ziggiddy - thanks.  Real thanks.  Finding kindred travelers and survivors means a lot.

LuckJim - you are doing great.  I hope teenagers start to see the light for themselves and come around to a healthy understanding of the abuser, and a compassion for the victim that departed the family / the other parent.  We want them to become healthy adults doing better than we did.  Alternatively, they could just flush down the tubes and become the next-gen abusers.  Which I fear in my case for at least two of my kids - however, that is not in my control, really.

-- And, your post makes me realize that at this moment, I talk a big talk about having strength and knowledge enough to stay and be strong for my kids. I realize this might be momentary, or a wisp of bravado, so I continue to prepare for the worst.  I have ups and downs and might not be able to keep up the strong act I'm attempting for the kids.  I may have to change my life and leave.

[SamwizeGamgee]

... .as for joy - that is internal I have discovered.  Boundaries help give you space in which to create your personal joy. 

[Cat Familiar]

I, too, was living a life of quiet desperation in my marriage to my first husband. I got to the point where I realized that I was waiting to die. No children were involved so it was much easier for me to make the break, but still it was really tough to get to that point. Since then, my life has been so much better and though I'm again involved with a pwBPD, I've never been as confined as I was in the first marriage. It really was like being in prison.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Honesty!

Cat - I don't talk about it much in those terms, but yes.  I find that I'm waiting (wanting) for someone to die.  I know that's a cop-out, hoping that something else solves (removes) my problem, but, it speaks to the quiet desperation that is my life.  And that's part of the problem, I, for the most part, go along in quiet desperation.  I don't fight and argue, I don't get stuck on one thing or another.  I survive.  Our marriage is one of quiet desperation. 

My summary of my internal situation early last year is that I was trapped in silence with the indecision caused by dread - of marriage, divorce, and death - all equally unacceptable.

Footnote: this does not mean I want someone to die, it just solves my dilemma if they do.

I deny myself the escape of imagining life separated from my uBPDw.  It's too crushing a contrast.  I try to work on actual solutions.  Improving me first, and then working towards good parenting.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Samwize, Thanks for your kind words, above, about me and my kids.  Right, I long for the day when they can see the light for themselves and remain optimistic that day will come.

It's a sad commentary for me to read that, like Ziggiddy, you are thinking about death as a solution to your problems:

I find that I'm waiting (wanting) for someone to die.  I know that's a cop-out, hoping that something else solves (removes) my problem, but, it speaks to the quiet desperation that is my life.  And that's part of the problem, I, for the most part, go along in quiet desperation.  I don't fight and argue, I don't get stuck on one thing or another.  I survive.  Our marriage is one of quiet desperation. 

This line of thinking reminds me of the days when I had this weird fantasy in which I hoped to be incarcerated, because I thought that would be better than living with my BPDxW and I didn't see a way out at that time.  Have no idea why I thought I would go to jail, but it seemed like an attractive alternative.  I mention it only as an example of the type of extreme thinking that goes on in the throes of marriage to a pwBPD.  So I understand where you are coming from.

Nevertheless, I'm also here to remind you, and Ziggiddy, that there is a potential for change which remains untapped.  I suspect you don't see it right now; I didn't either when I was in your shoes.  Let's just say that there's a world of possibility that lies outside the box that defines our usual mode of thinking.

OK, you get the idea.

LuckyJim

[Cat Familiar]

This line of thinking reminds me of the days when I had this weird fantasy in which I hoped to be incarcerated, because I thought that would be better than living with my BPDxW and I didn't see a way out at that time.  Have no idea why I thought I would go to jail, but it seemed like an attractive alternative.  I mention it only as an example of the type of extreme thinking that goes on in the throes of marriage to a pwBPD.  So I understand where you are coming from.

I was hoping that my exhusband did get incarcerated.   He was arrested for growing pot, but ultimately he didn't get any jail time, just probation. I was really disappointed! 

[Ziggiddy]

It was rather disturbing to me to reread this recently and see how very little had changed. Or so I thought.
Upon reflection, I see that my DH's behaviour is still the same but my attitude towards it is a gulf apart.

Cat Familiar - I ended up doing that thing - the Pattern Interrupt even though it was quite intimidating to start with. A friend mentioned neuro linguistic programming where you reflect behaviour in order to find a rapport.
What I found was that when I reflected his behaviour as closely as possible it gave me an insight into the wealth of power that passive aggressive actions hold.
That by simply 'not obeying' or applying usual rational thinking you really get nowhere. In turn that gave me insight into the motional intelligence required to meet people at a human level.

The growth stimulated by that has been amazing.
I saw how truly I had imagined a person in place of the person who actually exists.
I know I have a rescuing codependent flavour about me which I thought was problematic. now I see that it's a nice thing to help/rescue but only if it's done willingly rather than under compulsion.

There is also a liberation in ceasing to talk meaningfully to someone who won't listen.

The most alarming thing to me is my statement about 'waiting for death' and seeing that others also experienced this sense of futility, including the incarceration comment you made, Lucky Jim.
Thank you all for your honesty and suggestions.
Even though not all of them were practical to me, all of them pointed to the level of disengagement (thank you, again Cat Familiar) and abnormality of this marriage 'arrangement' (thanks SamwizeGamgee and Lucky Jim)

I have since realised that I have nothing to lose by doing whatever I want! I govern my behaviour now by a normal level of decent humanity that I would apply to any person and am no longer controlled or manipulated by the disapproval and bullying that was my day to day existence. I benefitted greatly from this so thanks once again.
Ziggiddy

[Grey Kitty]

As seems to happen a lot, I have found myself in a marriage based on very similar dynamics to my childhood r'ship with my folks.  uBPD/NPDm and OCD father who is very emotionally detached [... .]

How can you engage if they won't listen?

You went a long way 'round from here, but I think "How" is the wrong question to ask.

The question is WHY do you try to engage if they won't listen? You may want to spend a bit longer thinking about this one. What do you get out of trying and failing?

On the pragmatic side... .trying to engage your H in a way that he notices and cares about your emotions seems like trying to get a duck to bark. No success, and pisses the duck off.

Yes, you want somebody to care. Yes you want somebody who can validate your emotions. Your H doesn't have the capacity. Your parents don't have the capacity. Asking your children to take this role is completely inappropriate. Are there friends who might? Or friendships that might build to that level someday?

Unless those friends have a background understanding mental illness, try to get support about the crap your H does elsewhere, like your therapist or here.

In the meantime... .limit what you ask of your H to things that he has the capacity to do, or are only a tiny stretch at most.