Introduction - Grateful to find a community who gets the crazy cycle

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've been married to and co-parenting with a BP for 8 years. I've done tons of therapy, trauma work, recover programs, and yet that cycle continues. I tell myself "marriage is hard" and I by nature am a hopeful person so I find myself staying around during the "honemoon phase" because of having hope that things will get better. I'm finally coming out of denial (again... .for the hundredth time) and so scared that I'm going to go back into denial again. My faith keeps me believing that anything is possible, and when the little miracles happen I see those as signs to stay. But today I'm standing against that thought and trying to affirm in myself that love and hope are actually removing myself from the situation so I can heal. Of course the past two weeks, my husband has been kind, patient, willing to do the work, the list goes on... .it makes it so hard to really take action and separate. My body is telling me to leave but my mind keeps me there with rationalizing and minimizing. I know I need to just move out and have that conversation but I must be too scared because I haven't done it yet. My question for the group is, everyone tells me he should leave so that our kids (5 & 7) can stay in their home and have consistency, but I don't think they understand that he will not leave or will make it more disruptive to leave than if I do. Maybe I have distorted thinking here too. If I get really honest, I actually feel some excitement (maybe my ego?) about getting my own little place and somewhat starting over. Anyways, I'm glad to be part of a community. I have a great in person support system but not many people truly understand what it's like to live with someone who has BPD.

[Samantha17]

I've been married to and co-parenting with a BP for 8 years. I've done tons of therapy, trauma work, recover programs, and yet that cycle continues. I tell myself "marriage is hard" and I by nature am a hopeful person so I find myself staying around during the "honemoon phase" because of having hope that things will get better. I'm finally coming out of denial (again... .for the hundredth time) and so scared that I'm going to go back into denial again. My faith keeps me believing that anything is possible, and when the little miracles happen I see those as signs to stay. But today I'm standing against that thought and trying to affirm in myself that love and hope are actually removing myself from the situation so I can heal. Of course the past two weeks, my husband has been kind, patient, willing to do the work, the list goes on... .it makes it so hard to really take action and separate. My body is telling me to leave but my mind keeps me there with rationalizing and minimizing. I know I need to just move out and have that conversation but I must be too scared because I haven't done it yet. My question for the group is, everyone tells me he should leave so that our kids (5 & 7) can stay in their home and have consistency, but I don't think they understand that he will not leave or will make it more disruptive to leave than if I do. Maybe I have distorted thinking here too. If I get really honest, I actually feel some excitement (maybe my ego?) about getting my own little place and somewhat starting over. Anyways, I'm glad to be part of a community. I have a great in person support system but not many people truly understand what it's like to live with someone who has BPD.

[DreamGirl]

Hi Samantha17,



I remember fantasies of peace and quiet. If I left my husband and all the drama ventilated the room.

Being with someone with borderline personality disorder can wear on you. It takes a lot of work. It's predictably unpredictable. It also has it's rewards.

Finding balance can be really hard in this.

You said that you've done a lot of therapy. Was it individual? Couples?

--DG

[formflier]

You've found a safe place.  We get what it is like.

Looking forward to hearing more about your story.

We can help.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

My body is telling me to leave but my mind keeps me there with rationalizing and minimizing. I know I need to just move out and have that conversation but I must be too scared because I haven't done it yet.

Hey Samantha, Right, we get the crazy cycle.  It's an emotional roller coaster, and only you know when it's time to get off.  If you are unsure what to do, suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  It's hard, no doubt, to leave a BPD r/s and whether to end a marriage is something that takes serious thought.  How do you see things playing out if you stay?  If you go?  Your task is to find the right path for YOU.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Samantha17,



I'd like to join the rest in this discussion and welcome you. I think that it sounds like a good idea to separate for awhile for a different perspective, I know it's hard to be objectionable when you're in the thick of it. Do what feels right for you, its not one size fits all or about right or wrong. That being said, you mentioned love and that made me think about self compassion and you could take time to.take really good care of yourself in your new place. What do you like to do for self care?

[Grey Kitty]

My question for the group is, everyone tells me he should leave so that our kids (5 & 7) can stay in their home and have consistency, but I don't think they understand that he will not leave or will make it more disruptive to leave than if I do.

I've got a dear friend in exactly that situation. Her son is 4. Her husband is abusive. She's strong enough to take it, I really mean that, but it still costs her, and I think she knows that. her son is indeed paying the price. They actually got nearly divorced and then partly back together ~7 months ago. She figured out that it wasn't working after a month and has been trying to get him to leave since then.

She has both the personal feeling and professional advice that the disruption of her moving out with her son would be harder on her son than if her H left.

And she's finally realized that he WON'T move out willingly. Her conclusion that getting courts/police to force him to move out would be worse for everybody (and likely slower) than for her to just leave. She's probably feeling a little stupid for taking six months to figure it out.

Anyhow, I'm not saying that you and your husband should split--that's a very hard choice to make, and you will know if/when it is the right thing to do. It is your choice.

This disorder is not always the same--some would never leave. Others will do it on the drop of a hat. Either sort may threaten to leave daily. I think you know your husband well enough to be able to say whether he will leave willingly or not.