Saw my son's mother yesterday

[JerryRG]

Driving home after day care, seen her driving down the street, instantly angry at her for abandoning our son.

I really want to get past the resentment I have toward her, and just focus on how blessed I am that I have my son everyday and that I don't have to worry about him when he's with her.

I still cannot wrap my mind around how she could just not care about our son anymore.

Another thing I realized the other day, when talking about my exgf, I didn't stop to think I cannot compare her to others, my exgf is extremly ill, low functioning so I have to keep this in mind.

Like I said I still get angry at her and I want her to hurt just like she hurts others.

I know I'm being immature, I want resolution to this mess, I want full custody and to not think about my ex or see her again.

[fromheeltoheal]

I still cannot wrap my mind around how she could just not care about our son anymore.

Can you tell us how and why someone with the disorder does that Jerry?  You know, and when you say you cannot wrap your mind around it, does that mean you don't understand it fully or haven't yet accepted it?

[JerryRG]

Thank you fromheeltoheal

I guess my answer is I don't know? I haven't seen a mother so cold to just not care at all about their child, this is her first, her miracle baby she calls him.

And acceptance is something I've never been good at, I practice it but it does not come easy.

In my defence I was the black sheep in our family, and I've heard but may be wrong, the reason I was picked is because of my unwillingness to accept the status quo in my family. I dare ask why and I wasn't accepted for my curiosity.

So yes, accepting my son's mother is difficult

Just having a tough time thinking how she can just leave without a consious to bother her

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess my answer is I don't know? I haven't seen a mother so cold to just not care at all about their child, this is her first, her miracle baby she calls him.

C'mon now, you've been around for a while and you've said you've read the material, go ahead and tell us how and why a borderline does that, or if you aren't sure, go find out?  Understanding can help a lot with acceptance.

[JerryRG]

Point me to where I can get the information to understand her doing this, her other behaviours I can understand but leaving a child is different to me.

I have asked people and I'm not satisfied with the answers I get. And I've tried finding info on the Internet but that wasn't much help either.

[Sadly]

Jerry love, she is mentally ill, you know that BPD is a very serious mental illness. I know you understand how her mental illness affects you, has affected your relationship, so why do you think it wouldn't also affect her relationship with her child. This type of illness doesn't pick and choose.
The main thing is you have your boy and hopefully you will soon have full custody, how is that coming along by the way?
It's important because I know her and the deadbeat she is with use his child allowance to fund their lifestyle, I wouldn't like to think she could use that to take him away again. She needs to be out of his little life for good, can go to hell in her own hand basket as my Nan used to say. You have the chance to give your little lad a good normal life so stop worrying about understanding her and get to grips with making him safe. You are a good man, you can do it.
Lots of love from Sadly    xx ( that's for each of you)

[fromheeltoheal]

Point me to where I can get the information to understand her doing this, her other behaviours I can understand but leaving a child is different to me.

There's a lot of great information on this site, start here https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols, and if this raises questions, ask them here yes?

[JerryRG]

I'm doing it again, trying to understand her.

Wow, I never stop with this.

Thanks Sadly

The custody is coming along, my lawyer wants to see how long she will stay away. He's gathering information in the mean time.

I'm just fixated on trying to understand her, wth am I still trying, I just don't want to accept her being sick, I bought her blaming me totally.

I am sorry for rehashing this over and over, I will do better.

[JerryRG]

Thank you fromheeltoheal

Reading it now, I am driving myself crazy

[Sadly]

I do understand Jerry and I so feel for you. Why don't you want to accept she is sick? isn't that better than believing she is evil?   x

[JerryRG]

Thanks Sadly

Yes, she's sick. I just don't want her to be. Never did and I went through the gates of hell many times to prove myself wrong. I am stubborn if not foolish.

Definitely foo influences and I need keep working and moving forward. Thank you! Just keep thinking I need to understand everything and not let go.

The majority of the answers I get to the question about her leaving our son, she's a b###h, that isn't sufficient an answer for me

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm just fixated on trying to understand her, wth am I still trying, I just don't want to accept her being sick, I bought her blaming me totally.

I am sorry for rehashing this over and over, I will do better.

No worries Jerry, it takes what it takes, and getting sick of rehashing it over and over may provide the motivation to do things differently.

[Sadly]

Jerry, none of us wanted our exes to be sick but they are. My exes BPD came about by being brought up by a vile loud mouthed bigoted bully. I know this, I understand it happened and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate it but understanding it hasn't made it not be true, it made me able to forgive.
I can see why the answers because she's a b**tch is no help. But, she is a b**tch because she is mentally ill, I get that, do you?   xx

[JerryRG]

Yes I do

It's so strange how my mind goes back to my foo, I just didn't want to accept how ill my parents were either. This has to be part of my desire to deny truth.

Thanks again Sadly, I am thinking clearer now.

 

Hope you are well, I'm so happy with you're success with detachment from your ex.

[Sadly]

I know sweetheart, my problems also. I wish my grandfather hadn't been what he was and did what he did to not only his owns daughters but to his granddaughter, me. And do you know what's really hard, my beloved brother doesn't know, nor the rest of the family and when my brother tells funny stories about his grandad to my nephews and says do you remember to me and I have to join in, well, I feel physically sick but I do it, for him, so his childhood memories won't be shattered like mine were. We have to be strong, accept their sickness even if it's heart breaking and get on with building the best lives for our families that we can. I used to get annoyed when people said, what doesn't break you makes you stronger, but I do get it all the same. Thank you for being happy for me. I do still have a great sorrow that he is so ill and there is so much good that I miss but it's all in its right place now. It will be for you too.   xx

[JerryRG]

Thank you Sadly

Talked to my son's grandma this morning, she believes her daughter believes our son is better off without her. Interesting point, still a selfish choice on her part.

This whole situation breaks my heart but I'm going to make the best of each minute I'm with my son. Cancer looming over me, none of us knows how long we have. Gurrr another matter to accept. Gosh, playing god is wearing me out.

Hope you all are doing well, I learned yesterday how selfish I can be, I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to hear what I need to work on so I can change.

Thanks again everyone, God bless your day

[Sadly]

Hi Jerry
It seems to me that she has actually got a valid point about her son being better off without her in his life. To stay out of it may be the only unselfish thing she has ever done. After all what is better, a loving father and no mother at all or a loving but stressed out father (because you would worry every time he was with her) and an incredibly bad mother who can't have a stable relationship drops her child off wherever if the whim takes her to do whatever she wants and a bf who beats her? That would be nice for the child to see wouldn't it? I know which I would want.

Now what did you do yesterday that you think was selfish?   x

[JerryRG]

The selfishness became apparent at our meeting, I'm an alcoholic, the world revolves around me. I'm changing and at least I'm aware and I have support to keep me in reality.

This is what I'm suppose to do, when I do it really works:

AA page 87-88
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

One day this will be my norm and not an easily forgotten option.

Thanks Sadly

[Sadly]

You are far too hard on yourself Jerry, you are dealing with a lot of things at once and as far as I can see doing well. You are bringing up your son, dealing with your illness and dealing with an ex with a serious mental illness. Take time out for a minute to be proud of your achievements and try to stop focusing on what you perceive as faults. No one is perfect and to try and achieve perfection is like asking for the moon, totally unrealistic. You are a good man.
Now
What do you think of my question?    xx

[Dontknow88]

You have your son legally now? Good!
I'm sorry you are dealing with this but from my story look at this as a blessing in  disguise. 

Responsibility/stress for a high or low functioning BPD is too much. Only difference out of the two is one gives up faster or don't even bother. What they ha Econ common is (when) cause they will.


Keep your head up high