Why, Scared & trying to accept our new lives...

[SeekingSusan]

So this is my second post. Although our 21 yr old daughter is not officially diagnosed BPD, she definitely has BPD traits and a host of mental illnesses and co related problems. She is definitely depressed, suffers severe anxiety, abandonment issues and a host of others. She was in in-patient treatment for two months with an eating disorder & co-dependancies and is now in ongoing out patient treatment (1 month and continuing) for as long as she will stay. We live in a smaller town with slim mental health services, so to seek treatment  we moved my daughter to an apartment the city (which she shares with friends, unsure if this is good or bad yet, but she is not alone)  over an hour away. Money is tight. She just completed her second year university. You should know prior to University, on the outside our daughter appeared to have the world by the tail, everything was going as planned. My husband and I are happily married, we never argued at least until this year - we do disagree by times now about out daughter. As a teenager I would describe my as "strong willed" other than a few times we caught her drinking with friends, and a few unreasonable confrontations about what she was allowed to do, for the the most part I thought she was a typical teenage girl battling raging hormones & peer pressures.  My daughter swears she was never abused - although this seems to be the first question she is always asked in treatment. During University things started to go to pieces. By the final semester of her 2nd year she was in bad shape and we became desperate for  help. Looking back as a child we now feel she had unreasonable anxiety. We had taken her to various doctors who told us it was normal, she was tested for Asthma, ADD, OCD, Tourrets Syndrome and everytime was was told No. She had night terrors & bad dreams & OCD tendancies. We were told these were normal, and seemingly she appeared to grow out of. As a teen she did seemingly blossom, although the anxiety continued, she was not shy & had a large circle of friends. At the age of 15 we sought  treatment for a possible eating disorder - she went to therapy for awhile, but we discontinued as thought we had it under control & the then therapist agreed.
During high school our daughter continued the disordered eating, but was careful to keep it hidden. She worked part-time, so she had her own spending money. Her punctuality lacked as a teen - but her out going personality made up for it so people forgave her. Her workplace overlooked it. It became a joke in the family. At the time I did not know this stemmed from anxiety. How invalidating was this? Once she hit University I believe she led a double lifestyle - one with us & one with friends. By the beginning of the second year of University she was diagnosed with depression - but was never happy with the therapist we tried. She switched schools. We knew they were "partying" and as parents were slightly concerned, but we knew these kids - they were not being "too" bad, were they ? Looking back I cannot believe we did not see what was coming. Our daughter could not keep up the lifestyle - by the time the final semester ended. She was a mess physically & mentally. We were desperate to get her into in-patient treatment, but she pushed us (family) away. She was too ill to work. She had no money, lived on friends sofas. Luckily she too knew she needed help which came in the nick of time mid July. She has now been in recovery 3 months. While in the hospital there were many times she refused to see us - we kept going and she would eventually see us the next day. She continues to go to therapy and shares an apartment with different friends. We text most days. Some days she does not answer. I realize everyone needs space. I try to give it, I can't help but worry. As she is an adult the Dr. does not tell us anything. She only tells is what she wants. I guess I just need to get used to accepting that. But what I can't seem to accept is how did this happen?   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi SeekingSusan,

I'm sorry I didn't see your post sooner.

There are many books that can help explain the biological and genetic aspects of BPD. It is both comforting and sad to think we maybe caused our kids to suffer the way they do. Comforting, because if we caused it maybe we can fix it. Sad because if it is out of our control, we feel powerless. In truth, we can only change how we respond now, and fortunately, we can make things less difficult with some of the communication skills shared here.

She may be seeking space for herself because when confronted with the closeness of our loved ones, it can be harder to regulate emotions. She may feel shame that intensifies when people she knows comes to visit, and needs to control access as a way to control her feelings. It's hard to say for sure.

I'm glad she recognized that she needed help. Did she ask you to help her seek out treatment? Does she think she is BPD?

Keep posting, it really does help. 

LnL

[SeekingSusan]

Yes, she is convinced she has BPD - but because she has co-occuring problems her clinicians say it is too early to confirm a formal diagnoses except to say she does portray BPD traits. She is under going therapy.

[livednlearned]

The relationship skills we apply to BPD loved ones are useful for all relationships, thankfully.

What is it like between you and D21 during your visits? I had to roll back my worry and replace it with confidence. Talk about challenging, because worry is all I did or felt with S15.

I wonder if you D21 limits what she shares because she does not want to add to your worry?