It's me - no it's you

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all
Have any of you had your BPD partner try to convince you that you're the one with BPD?
I just ended a relationship with someone who was a compulsive liar, addicted to drugs, serial cheater ( prostitutes and women online) and who raged at me, broke my stuff and hit me. Also talked crap about me to anyone who would listen and told everyone - even on Facebook - that I have BPD.
At one point he read a book about BPD and then systematically began convincing me that I was the one with the issue. I believed him - I rushed myself to a psychiatrist and begged for a BPD diagnosis so I could get help and he wouldn't leave me.
Turns out I don't have BPD at all. I for sure have serious codependency and am working on that. In fact the family doctor firmly believes he is the one with BPD based on the behavior she has seen.
But has this happened to anyone else?
We share a child and I'm scared to think what the future holds. My preference is to just pretend he doesn't exist but I have to get along as he will have access to the baby.

[Miss-understood]

Hello all
Have any of you had your BPD partner try to convince you that you're the one with BPD?
I just ended a relationship with someone who was a compulsive liar, addicted to drugs, serial cheater ( prostitutes and women online) and who raged at me, broke my stuff and hit me. Also talked crap about me to anyone who would listen and told everyone - even on Facebook - that I have BPD.
At one point he read a book about BPD and then systematically began convincing me that I was the one with the issue. I believed him - I rushed myself to a psychiatrist and begged for a BPD diagnosis so I could get help and he wouldn't leave me.
Turns out I don't have BPD at all. I for sure have serious codependency and am working on that. In fact the family doctor firmly believes he is the one with BPD based on the behavior she has seen.
But has this happened to anyone else?
We share a child and I'm scared to think what the future holds. My preference is to just pretend he doesn't exist but I have to get along as he will have access to the baby.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Miss-understood-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through that, it is very hurtful and confusing, although not rare around here, we've all been there and we understand.

But has this happened to anyone else?

That didn't happen to me personally, I didn't even know what borderline personality disorder was, or even that it existed, until after I left her, but reading posts here and all the articles, it described her to a tee.  Others here might have experienced that, although to even be discussing it in the relationship is way ahead of the curve for most.

Anyway, there are really two things to consider for you.  First, detaching from and grieving the relationship, and then coparenting your child.  This is the Detaching board, a good place to be for the first part, and there's also a Coparenting board where there are plenty of folks in your shoes.  So again welcome, you're not alone.

I don't know if you've found them yet, but there are lots of great articles here too; here's some links:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.0

Please keep reading and posting.  It gets better.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Miss-understood, my ex didn't accuse me of having BPD, but insisted I had major psychological problems and said he'd accompany me to a therapist so we could stay together! I started seeing a therapist who told me I didn't have BPD or any major psychological problem, but I was being seriously abused and was suffering trauma. I also have codependency issues which really came to light in this relationship. Sorry you've experienced this, but welcome to bpdfamily. It's been a lifeline for me.

[Moselle]

Hi Miss understood,

Sorry to hear of your difficulties. I can empathise with with you on this. Mine would suddenly stand up during marriage counselling and declare that she was the codependent and I was the borderline and a narcissist. She would scream it .  Often the counsellor would empathise with her leaving me feeling totally isolated, frustrated and lonely. I found a therapist for me who had a lot of experience with personality disorders. It was eye opening as she explained what was really going on. No one else really understood so be aware that most people won't really be able to relate.

In these moments go to the facts or come here and post amongst those who understand and have seen it.

It's a defence mechanism called 'projection' where they project who they are on to someone else. It's an alternative to dealing with the pain of the truth about themselves.

It can get messy. Hang in there

[GoingBack2OC]

I can say that during the 5 years of my relationship, I in some ways picked up on some of her behaviors, which, I can honestly say, I never in all my life had exhibited before.

I in some ways "felt" I became somewhat BPD. She's a BPD/NPD, big on the N.

She just did so many things, and knew exactly how to upset me, hurt me, in the worst ways, I found myself acting out because of this.

It was a horribly destructive cycle. I am so glad to be out of the relationship. But I still miss aspects of the friendship, as there were good times.

And I wish she had given us closure. I was simply ghosted, after 5 years. Which hurt, to say the least.

They have a way of painting themselves to be a certain person to each and every person. My ex was a literal chameleon. No joke. She's convincing too. So to person A, she's "This", and I was "That", Person B... .and so on.

Its maddening. It's why they call it the crazy making disorder. It makes others literally go crazy. I did.

Now that I am out of it... .I can say, Its her... .but add me into the mix:

It's us. Her + Me = Worst Version of Me/Not Me²

And I don't want to be a part of it. She would have ruined my life. I thank god I didn't have children with her.

In many ways, her cheating on me, which hurt terribly-- still does, that kind of betrayal, it haunts me, was probably the best thing ever that could have happened. Its the one thing I wont go back to... .her after she did that.

[Fie]

Hello Miss-understood 

Both my BPDex and my uBPDmum have accused me of having BPD.

When my ex said ':)o you have BPD maybe', right in the middle while he was dysregulating, I said 'what?' I had no clue what he was talking about.  I insisted but he refused to explain what he meant. I had no idea he was BPD at that time. Now I wonder why at that point I didn't look into it / why there was no little light going on in my head. 
No idea if he had been diagnosed before he met me.

My mother plainly accused me of having it. She must have been reading about it,  because she said that probably the reason I was 'accusing' her of having it is because this is what BPD do (projecting).
Twisted, right ?
To me this is gaslighting. Luckily by then, I had read so much about it, that I didn't believe her, I knew right away what she was doing. This sort of behavior really scares the hell out of me.

[stimpy]

I'm sorry you're going through this Miss-understood.

I can relate to you question. My belief is that I was being "worked on" to get me conditioned to thinking I was the one with the issues. I was accused of being schizophrenic, being over sensitive, over reacting to her criticisms of me etc... .Essentially, it was all my fault. We never got as far as me being accused of BPD, though the relationship only lasted 4 months, so I think had I stayed with her longer and gone back to her with her attempted re-cycles (I refused) then that would have been next.

I'm sure I would have been accused of being BPD or NPD or something  or other. 

She described her boyfriend before me as having NPD.

Looking back, what a truly horrible experience.

Hang in there Miss-understood, it does get better and sounds like your on the road back to normality.

[Miss-understood]

A friend of his ( one who also cheats on his wife and leaves her home with their child while he's out getting high) told him "my wife has BPD I bet yours does too". So he who never reads actually read a book about it every night and then started with the terminology... .
His main enablers are his family - I believe his mother is either NPD or a sociopath. I worry terribly for my son having to be around those very disturbed personalities.

[Skip]

I worry terribly for my son having to be around those very disturbed personalities.

I think you are on the right track. It's not about "It's me - no it's you!", its about how do you evolve from a high conflict breakup to becoming constructive co-parents.  As you say, he will be in your child's life for a long time.

Can you tell us about your relationship? How long where you tow together? How long have you been broken up? Has this happened before?

[Miss-understood]

Hi Skip

We were together for three years. He was unlike anyone I had dated before... .my previous partners were all very high energy, upbeat and cheerful individuals. My ex was a bit of a dark horse - i suppose I found that intriguing?
He seemed to have some severe anxiety issues - at times he would ask for 'space' and say he needed a week or two to think about us. This would usually happen after we had a disagreement. When I told him this wasn't ok for me, he told me that all healthy relationships took space and I was codependent if I couldn't handle this. I do know that I am codependent so I trusted him.
The anxiety was something he experienced on a daily basis.

As time went by I felt he was not the person he claimed to be. When we met he claimed he lived a clean life (I don't do drugs and barely drink) and slowly I found out he was addicted to pot. By now I was in love with him, and wasn't in a place to walk away.

There were things that worried me... .when he got mad he yelled - loud. One time a neighbour knocked at my door and asked if I needed the police. He claimed he was just 'passionate' and I needed to understand that. Our intimacy was infrequent and I got the sense that he could not be 'gentle'. It was always too harsh and angry... .again this was attributed to 'passion'.

He would accuse me of being manipulative... .I remember one time I did something to be nice and he said I was manipulating him. I wasn't allowed to be upset about anything - if he disappointed me I wasn't allowed to feel my feelings. He said that when i expressed any negative feelings it made him feel guilty and this was my way of manipulating him. All I wanted was to express what I was feeling.So I started trying to keep my feelings in to avoid conflict. And then he told me that HE was the one doing this around ME. Yet he would yell, scream, break things, spit in my face, say all manner of horrible things to me. And turn around and say he was walking on eggshells because HE could not express his feelings to ME. I was so confused.

I should have walked away. I should have.

We went to therapy and I learned later that he was lying in therapy too.

Against both of our better judgement we bought a house together and found out we were having a baby. After moving in with him I found out about his addiction to cocaine as well as prostitutes and some pretty raunchy sex sites - he was spending thousands of dollars on all of this.


It went downhill very fast and very deep. He told his entire family that I am 'very sick' and he was trying to help me because he loved me so much. He told his friends this as well, and tried to convince my family and friends of the same. He was antisocial and so no one could be invited to the house - I was on maternity leave and spent the time essentially isolated from the world, except for other mums in the community that I would meet with for baby time. He tried to claim i'm an unfit mother (95% of my son's needs are met by me, and he's a happy, healthy, highly intelligent little boy - for the past year I've spent every day and night with my son).

We've been separated for 4 weeks. He was once again physically abusive towards me (he even hit me when I was pregnant), but this time he did things that endangered our child.  I called the police and told them the truth. He claims I'm lying about it all - we are going to court soon.

I don't know what to think. I'd like to believe he truly does love our son, but the things he has done make me question that. He knows who my son's REAL caregiver is. He knows that my son would be traumatized without me right now - he's only a year old and he's been with me every day. Yet he went to child services and made false allegations against me. They investigated and I am in the clear. He only did it to take my son away from me to hurt me. He's even claiming in his court documents that I'm mentally ill.

Frankly I'm scared to even be on this forum, relating all of this. I feel robbed of my power, my sense of self. i'm seeing a psychotherapist to help me work through all of this. This is my first time really spending time on this forum and the more I read the more eye opening it gets... .I cannot believe what I just experienced. He had me so convinced that it was all normal. His mother even told me 'all men go to prostitutes and everyone is doing drugs these days' and she laughed. I got to the point where I questioned if his cheating was really 'such a big deal'.

Our relationship is over and I will put boundaries in place but what about my boy? It hurts to think he will be partly raised by people who condone such behaviour. His family blames me for everything - somehow they'd like to believe that I turned him into this person, even though the addiction has been going on for over 10 years.

And no I am not blameless. I know I can be extremely codependent and needy. I know I have to work on myself to figure why I stayed... .why I risked having a child with such a person. And how to now co-parent in the healthiest way possible. I'm scared guys.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Miss-understood-

I'm sorry you went through all of that, quite a handful, and congratulations for doing what was right and getting yourself and your son out.

Frankly I'm scared to even be on this forum, relating all of this. I feel robbed of my power, my sense of self. i'm seeing a psychotherapist to help me work through all of this. This is my first time really spending time on this forum and the more I read the more eye opening it gets... .I cannot believe what I just experienced.

And there might be a little relief too yes?  Coming here and learning about the disorder can do a couple of things: it can make the confusion go away and help you stop doubting yourself a little, since BPD is a recognized "thing", and it can make you not feel alone in all this.  It's also great that you're seeing a therapist, that and this site can be a great combo as you grieve, detach and heal.

Our relationship is over and I will put boundaries in place but what about my boy? It hurts to think he will be partly raised by people who condone such behaviour. His family blames me for everything - somehow they'd like to believe that I turned him into this person, even though the addiction has been going on for over 10 years.

The fact there was domestic violence and the police know will help you when it comes to custody, visitation, all of that, and his drug use won't hurt your case either, if there's a record of it somewhere public, although for now it's only been 4 weeks, which is really no time at all after 3 years, best to take care of yourself and your son best you can right now, and detachment and grieving are projects that take a while, might as well settle in and begin yes?

And no I am not blameless. I know I can be extremely codependent and needy. I know I have to work on myself to figure why I stayed... .why I risked having a child with such a person. And how to now co-parent in the healthiest way possible. I'm scared guys.

Scared is good in a way Miss, as is what you've just been through, since they can both serve as motivation fuel to do the work on yourself that you mention, and you might just come out the other side stronger, healthier and much more self aware, which will help your son immensely, not to mention you.  Take care of you!

[HoneyB33]

Yep Miss-understood that is exactly what happened to me.

Things really came to a head with my ex, and what I was doing at the time was basically not letting things just slide anymore, but expecting actual change, and an actual partner to be with. So my ex promptly turned into a victim of me. I was so confused esp by her cries that I was hurting her, that I was trying so hard to figure it out and "change". Because after all, who says those things if they're not true?... I started giving in to the idea that it was me. I thought "Maybe the issue is that I have too high of expectations, and I'm being critical?" Then in another attempt to reconcile things with my ex, during the start of one of our conversations she suggested that I had BPD. She told me that God told her the issue was in psychology, so she asked a friend about someone with "a lot of anger" would mean--to which this friend apparently said meant BPD... ? See used my own faith against me to accuse me of her disease. And called my anger (a reaction to her abuse) abnormal. She also used other ppl who apparently said things, to try and convince me that I was the problem, because she knew I would never believe just her. At the time though I thought that perhaps I was the problem. I read the traits and saw some similarities, but they were actually just reactions to the abuse. Like the anger or "fears of abandonment". Funny how when someone holds abandonment like a gun to your head, you start to fear it... .But yeah, I even went to see a therapist and told her that I had BPD. Very fortunately my therapist quickly dismissed that.

Still it took me a long time to get past. Idk why. I think because people who have BPD are so marked with denial that I questioned if I was just denying things, blah blah blah. It had me at the point of blaming myself for the abuse and discard I had experienced.

Healing really does BEGIN in marking this the way it needs to be marked--as them as the disordered one and you as normal. Sure, you got issues and flaws, we ALL do. But that does not mean you are disordered of deserved this abuse. And from there you can tackle your codependency issues that got you in this relationship in the first place, or your core issues that allowed you to believe those lies. But the first step is in the title of your post, knowing it's them, not you. You have to know that, esp in this type of abuse, because the WAY they abuse you is by trying to make you believe it's you. And you can not successfully reach the other steps before you can make the first one. Sure, people can set up camp on the first step and stay a victim, but I don't see you saying that. Declaring the basic truth of who is who, is not staying on that first step, but using it, which I believe is what you are reaching for.

I know that all of this is really confusing. It feels like all the gravity in the world has just turned off and you can't seem to find what is true to land you. But that is why labeling what is true, as such. Keep reading. Another really good site is Psychopathfree.com That's more about narcissism, but it still really helps to shed light on the types of abuse.

Best to you!