Threatening email

[JSF13]

Hi everyone! I come in and out of here every little bit. Mostly I just read as it is a year later and I am doing much better than I was when my ex cleaned me out and abandoned me 3k miles from home.

My ex still a year later after all the hell she put me through continues to reach out via email as it is the only way she can contact me. I don't respond. There really is nothing more to discuss and I am strong enough to know my self worth. I will never allow anyone to treat me as she did for the 2 yrs we were together. The physically and mental terror were so extreme and I finally have made peace with myself over it. I did all that I could.

Part of what keeps me sane is being able to tell my story. Not just with her but my whole life story which has been full of abuse. I am a role model for some people on my social networks and that brings me a sense of healing. I never go into specific depth about what my ex did to me nor do I ever mention her name.  Lately I have been getting a lot of traction with both my fitness stuff and my positive message I bring with it. I just got picked up by some companies for endorsements and that has caught some media attention.

3 days ago I woke to an email from her threatening me to take down all posts or she would be pressing charges against me. I forwarded that email as well as all others she has sent me to my lawyer. My lawyer said she cannot do anything to me. My worry is not that she could do something but what I cannot understand is why the obsessiveness over me? She has done HORRID violent things to me and the mental terror that she put me through was unfathomable. She has painted me black many times to others. She will tell the EXACT story of what she did to me but she is the victim and I am the villain. I have had to show people the emails she sends to show that she is lying.

I just am trying to really understand the thought process more. I cannot sit here and tell you I hate her because I don't. In fact she has been one of two people I have ever truly loved. When her illness, lying and manipulation didn't get between us she was the most amazing girl I have ever met and truly I am heartbroken a year later and feel like I was robbed by this disease of love. Just trying to understand further.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi JSF-

Good for you for working through your grieving and detachment, and creating a much better space a year later; detachment is a process.

My worry is not that she could do something but what I cannot understand is why the obsessiveness over me?

Because borderlines hate to lose an attachment, it's the worst thing that could happen and means they've been abandoned, a recreation of the conditions that created the disorder to begin with, the core of it.  And it just shows up as a feeling, nothing a borderline could articulate, and it doesn't matter what actually happened in the relationship and who left whom.  I left my ex over 4 years ago and I still hear from her from time to time, it is what it is, harmless in my case and I ignore it.  How does her contact attempts affect you emotionally, you say you don't hate her, and do you feel any pull or does the contact threaten your detachment?

[JSF13]

I definitely get upset when she reaches out. I don't feed into her so I stay silent from her. It definitely hurts. She will attempt any topic to contact me. I don't budge. This is about me now. 2 yrs was all about her. Nothing I did was ever enough. I have become surprisingly ok with this. I am happy with who I am and she will even at points try to take credit for all the blessings coming my way. That had she not put me through what she did I wouldn't be getting to do what I am. The level of narcissism is pretty sickening.

[fromheeltoheal]

I definitely get upset when she reaches out. I don't feed into her so I stay silent from her. It definitely hurts. She will attempt any topic to contact me. I don't budge. This is about me now. 2 yrs was all about her. Nothing I did was ever enough. I have become surprisingly ok with this.

So you say contact attempts upset you and it hurts, although you also say you're surprisingly OK; that may be a contradiction, or it may mean the contact upsets you, but you're OK with your response?  I understand that.  Contact attempts are a good way to check in with how your detachment is going too; a while after I left my ex she sent me a check for money she owed me, not much but it shocked the hell out of me, never thought I'd see it, and it triggered me too, although I was proud of the fact I got back to the baseline I'd been working on within a couple of hours.  So it's an opportunity to check in with yourself.

That had she not put me through what she did I wouldn't be getting to do what I am.

And there's one of the gifts of the relationship yes?  Are there others?

[JSF13]

I guess let me clarify. I am ok with the fact that nothing I did was ever enough but it bugs me when she contacts me. I thought that translated clearly. Sorry if it didn't.

As for gifts of the relationship I learned my self worth. From that I have been able to do some great things with myself. I don't feel it is fair that she gets to take credit for that though. Am I wrong? I mean she put me through the ringer badly. Not quite sure why she should get to take any credit for my outcome in life post the relationship. Am I not understanding your statement correctly?

[fromheeltoheal]

As for gifts of the relationship I learned my self worth. From that I have been able to do some great things with myself. I don't feel it is fair that she gets to take credit for that though. Am I wrong? I mean she put me through the ringer badly. Not quite sure why she should get to take any credit for my outcome in life post the relationship. Am I not understanding your statement correctly?

I understand JSF, my ex took credit for everything good in the relationship and blamed me for everything bad; it had to be that way for her because she thought so poorly of herself, and taking responsibility for any shortcomings would have resulted in debilitating shame.  But that's her. 

I'm not completely up to speed on your situation, but if the relationship is over and it's been a year, she can do whatever she does and it need not matter in your life, unless you make it matter yes?  And your accomplishments are your accomplishments, being proud of how far you've come is completely legitimate, and if you credit the experience with her as partly what motivated you to achieve what you have, then that is a gift of the relationship, if you say so, something to take out of it that was positive.