I would fear for my life, it was a manipulation tactic

[Kelli Cornett]

I'm wondering cause mine would do both. I'm wondering if that goes past BPD into sociopathic tendencies?

I would fear for my life many times. But also at times I would see it was a emotional manipulation tactic because if I did what she asked than sometimes she would 36 her behavior.

Than other times, I wasn't so lucky and she would destroy my things ( favorite guitar ) or hit me.

I'm ashamed to say even after all that I'd still pine for her or go back.

[JerryRG]

Depends on the nature of the threat

1. Physical harm:
Beatings, throwing items, reckless driving

2. Threat of Incarceration:
False charges, accusations, self inflicted injuries,

3. Threats to my self esteem:
sarcasms, gaslighting, manipulation, lies,

4. Threats to my long term health from stress:
Sleep deprivation, suicide gestures and or cutting, overdose, self care deficiencies, refusal to be responsible, etc, budgeting, poor medication management

My exgf did it all, frequently

[Kelli Cornett]

  JerryRG 

Why do we stay after all this? What did you do?

[JerryRG]

What saved me was I started researching her behaviours and finally ended up here at BPDFAMILY, I knew the only choice I had was NO CONTACT, I kic223ked her out and started the hard work of detatching and understanding why I was addicted to her and completely out of control. I'm still amazed at the power of these relationships. I share custody of a 2 year old boy so it isn't possible to go completely nc.

It's been a nightmare but I'm learning, slowly healing.

How about you Letitbe223?

[Kelli Cornett]

 Well I'm glad you were able to get out. I'm still detaching. It's a process.

[heartandwhole]

Hi letitbe223,

BPD occurs on a spectrum from very high to very low functioning, and is often co-morbid with other personality disorders, and/or mood disorders. So, each person is individual, and each dynamic with a partner is unique, even if the coping strategies used by pwBPD can be eerily similar (as can the strategies used by us partners as well).

In my situation, pwBPD was not violent or threatening at all. He was very self aware, kind, loving, and never raged. Yet, he was at times extremely limited by his symptoms, which elicited a lot of pain for both of us.

It can be so difficult to let go of a relationship; even an abusive one. I think that when we are in it, we simple don't have the distance/objectivity needed to see what is really going on. We can't "zoom out" so to speak. We are too enmeshed in the pattern that we are so used to by now.

It's a long read, but if you are interested in some information about why we feel compelled to get into (and stay in) these kinds of relationships, I've linked to an article by trauma specialist Bessel Van der Kolk, MD:

The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma

Are you seeing a therapist or counselor to help you through this, letitbe? 

heartandwhole

[Dontknow88]

 From friends in this situation including myself the healthy person develops a sense of sticking it out "for better or worse" the unhealthy person often seems helpless and we want to help. When the time is right we see that we cannot help them. We can't do a single thing but take care of our self. When we realize that the painful process of detaching begins. And after some time we realize we were stuck in a berry unhealthy pattern (their pattern) .

[Confused108]

Mine told me 2x in diffrent occasions that she would love to put a pillow over my head. I was like what? My ex  also told me on 1 occasion when she was on a rant that one day I would be sorry  for what I did to her. Meanwhile I did nothing  and had no idea what the heck she was talking about. I felt at times that she was mixing me up with her previous relationships.

[SES]

A number of times my ex threatened to smoother me to death with a pillow in my sleep.  She said it would look like a silent asthma attack.  At the time we were still living together. She went through a phase of making death threats every day.  I found it incredibly stressful. 

[JSF13]

My ex hit me numerous times. Threatened me near daily. The tantrums were absolutely ridiculous. She would threaten me with the police saying she'll tell them I beat her and they will believe her. Hell she tried to tell my mother and sister this who immediately called her out. Threaten to make issues for me with others and would. She was the MOST manipulative human I have EVER met in my life. When she abandoned me 3k miles from home and cleaned me out of everything from every last dollar minus what was in my pocket to every personal item I had in our storage unit after we moved across the country she began hitting up people and telling them the same story of what she did to me except roles switched. I had to go as far as pulling out emails to prove it was her to some people to clear my name. It's 1 year later and she STILL attempts to contact me. 95% of the time it is her trying to be nice and manipulate me to respond but since I have been openly talking about what I was put through (I do not name her though) she emailed me saying if I kept talking she would press charges. I still didn't respond.

[Frodo]

Hello, I am new to  bpdfamily and am plugging in to get support for my plan to take care of myself first!

I would like to address:

Why do we stay after all of this?

1. Physical harm:
Beatings, throwing items, reckless driving

2. Threat of Incarceration:
False charges, accusations, self inflicted injuries,

3. Threats to my self esteem:
sarcasms, gaslighting, manipulation, lies,

4. Threats to my long term health from stress:
Sleep deprivation, suicide gestures and or cutting, overdose, self care deficiencies, refusal to be responsible, etc, budgeting, poor medication management

All of this happened to me over and over and over and over everywhere we went everywhere we stayed even on vacation in a foreign country for over a year, constantly escalating followed by honeymoon and then back at it again, angry at me over imagined things and her "feelings" telling her stories about what was real. It got to the point where she would defend that she had the right to be angry because of the feelings whether they were based upon any reality or not! Truly ridiculous except also dangerous -- self-harm became me caught in the cross fire and then became me as a direct target. When the blame transference for all of her and now our problems began to shift to me and the threats to falsely accuse me or report things about me or my friends turned into real calls to the police with false reports about me, I fled to protect myself... .

Why did I stay so long?

Looking back from having separated and broken the cycle through 3 weeks of NC being afraid and in hiding! It was the ideal/ideal that we were working to get her better that kept me in the relationship. That and the sexual chemistry that followed the breakdowns -- the honeymoon. Even though the relationship was not getting better for me overall, I was holding out because she was trying so hard and in such grief and then seductive reconciliation after having gotten verbally or physically abusive. She seems to really want to be free but in the end, she is cycling since she is not yet even looking at this truer nature of her illness, the BPD and other co-disorders. Along the way we were finding and working with therapists and a psychiatrist, which we did continuously without actually interrupting the escalating cycles of violence towards me. The blame ultimately coming towards me escalated in a Grand Finale because I had set a limit (disinvited to family event due to escalating violence when visiting my family) and the fact that I was leaving (which she sensed without my telling her outright, my heart shut down and she knew it intuitively); so turning me into a sacrifice, someone who would be the physical representation of her pain -- for all to see -- my destruction would now be the source to fill the void, since I was supposedly abandoning her I could be abandoned so all the world and especially me would know the enormity of her pain, what she went through... .

This is my read of the grand finale... .

Still after all this I wish it was not so. I love her and that love is real... .

Strange to admit, but if not honest with self now, then when? I am free and intend to stay free. I do not believe she can deliver anything more than she has, which is more escalating violence while promising control and protocols that are not followed according to plan or not at all or way too late after all the damage is already done... .

I love her and want love and have put so much into it with her was the thought that I used to stay together, even I was withdrawing and staying apart from her before I split and went into hiding... .

I stayed because:

1. of a lack of personal boundaries to limit my participation in the relationship after her bad behavior and unhealthy relationship dynamics had started. Being in that rut allowed me to absorb and normalize very dangerous and serious abuse towards me!

2. it was always going to get "better", we were working on it with plans that seemed they could make a difference

3. she said she wanted to heal and needed my help, she begged me to help her after her rage or self-destruction or attacks on me verbal and physical

4. because I thought we were getting the right guidance from the psychiatrist and psychologist that would help us cure this

5. because I let myself get worn down by staying and could not fully function so I defaulted to the plan -- keep trying to help fix this... .it feels so good when we make up and she is TRYING after all (Yoda says there is no try! Only do!)

6. because it was supposedly PTSD over which she had no control (wrong, not all PTSD is expressed by attacks on your partner... .)

7. because I got caught up in identifying my self with getting through this and things getting better and the imagined pay off of a loving partner who I survived this with ... .

8. because of core wounding in me that sets me up to tolerate the intolerable in order to find/create/maintain a safe and loving relationship

That is what I will now focus on, my own healing and healing my core wounding and my sense of self to prevent allowing anything like this in my life again. I want the skills to recognize how I play into the dynamics, how to recognize warning signs of a narcissist/sociopath/borderline and avoid engaging instead of being attracted to it as I have been in my life.

I stayed because it was unbelievable to me that it was really happening and I did not follow my guides, my emotions and feelings. I am learning from this experience to have a new and healthy relationship with those feelings of mine so that I follow them and take care of myself.

I am committed to changing my pattern of enabling someone else while indulging in my unhealthy patterns of not following my feelings and adapting to situations I need to leave or see change.

A very extensive reply that I hope offers something useful to others, right now, this is therapy, so thank you for the forum... .

[Frodo]

"But I love her!", you say.  Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect -- not codependency or rescuing.

Hello Letitbe223,

I found this on the site just after posting my very lengthy post in reply to your question.

If any relationship is not based upon mutual interest, care and respect; if it is based upon codependency or rescuing -- then I am not expressing the love that I really want, I am settling for the phantom of imagined love. Love does not hurt. I am committing to change the only thing I can change which is my own behavior and choices... .to healthy choices and behavior. No more trauma drama relationships for me to play rescuer or fixer. That is my role in the unhealthy relationship dynamic. That I can influence and make changes about.  I want adult love -- to give it and recieve it! I am worth it, as are you and is everyone... .

Frodo

[Turkish]

It sounds like you've processed this well, and your story is helpful to others. 

I only experienced one clear incidence of DV. Her new husband did,  and she would have gone to jail if he had called the cops. 

You've outlined it well regarding your situation.  Victims of DV stay for two reasons: emotional, and situational (say kids, perceived lack of external support). Leaving is a process, and why DV counselors, short of immediate threats of extreme harm,  encourage victims to first have a plan, and support.  A lot of tragedies occur when people leave impulsively without a plan or support,  then are severely injured upon return. 

The emotional reasons may be harder to fathom to outsiders who have no experience with this,  and who might counsel,  "just leave!" But it often isn't so simple. 

[One key]

Not only threatened but also try to strangle me with my own belt. I remember i let her go to find out if she was really going to try. She did. After few seconds ( which now look much longer) i used my force and stopped it

[Hopeful83]

I often wondered why people stayed in situations of DV. It's only when it happens to you that you realise it's not ever as clear cut as 'just leave.' It sometimes takes years for the true nature of the 'beast' so to speak fully reveal itself (most abusive partners don't start out being abusive from day one) and by that time you're fully invested in this relationship, so 'just leave' isn't going to work.

My ex didn't become truly abusive until a good one year and a bit into our relationship, although there was signs of abuse beforehand - not obvious ones to me, however. Such as the silent treatment over the pettiest of arguments. As time went on the rages started, the swearing and the screaming in my face, the calling my phone non stop when I stormed out the house after his abuse, the eventual slap he gave me, the pushing me down on the bed in anger, the incidences when he'd wrap a belt around his neck and tighten it when we were in the midst of an argument.

I do sometimes still wonder to myself why I didn't leave. But I loved him. I built up this whole narrative around how he'd been abused as a child and because I loved him I was going to be there for him. He had so, so, so many positives as well, and when things were good they were amazing. I would like to think that will all the self-work that I have done as a result of the breakup I would never, ever allow myself to get into such a scenario again, though. But I've seen how easily it can happen, and I've forgiven myself for not being able to protect myself against it - I was simply doing the best I could with the tools I had at the time.

Hopeful

[rzr14]

My exgf told me a few days before I broke up with her that she get's thoughts of doing something evil to me. I was scared by this so I stayed away for the most part to the end. I know what she has done to past bf's(what they did to her, and the fact she got them to the breaking point so she can make them look like the mad guys!) and what her mom which I believe to have BPD has attacked her bf's in the past and other people. Me and her never all these years got physical, that's the one big different that we had in are r/s. I think most likely because of my codependency traits, we had a different r/s then he other bf's. I still don't know what evil thing she was going to do, or is still planning. Nothing from her family or friends has come back to me that she said anything mad about me. Time will tell

[Pretty Woman]

Like anything else in this world they are pretty much capable of anything.

I witnessed mine disassociate after an altercation (her physically hurting me). She sat in my living room rocking saying: I have frontal lobe problems. She got in her car and drove off calling me twenty minutes later crying. She had no idea where she was. It was terrifying.

For a week she manipulated my emotions until she ran off to the "love of her life" ex... .
who she left for me a month later.

BPD is the definition of an unstable mind. I think some of the manipulations are intentional but most of them are just patterns of the disorder itself.