Teenage girl has a crush on my 32yr old BPD Husband, How do I deal with this?

[Lithirine]

Hey everyone, Lith here, long time lurker, first time poster. Figured I may start my first Post with something that is a doozy for any wife to handle let alone a wife with a husband who suffers BPD.

Ok a little bit about us my Husband has recently (past year) been diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, Anxiety and Paranoia. Thats adding on top of his already exisiting health issues of Inflammatory bowel disease and Fibromyalgia with possible miniscule tears in knees /  disintegrated cartilage. We've been married 2 years in Feb and have a beautiful baby girl whos just turned 1.

My husband and I have been volunterring at a local Op Shop for about 1/2 a year both to try and help them out and because it helps him with the fact that he can no longer work (Both physically and mentally, going through treatment for both atm) Over these past school holidays we've had an influx of teenage volunteers helping out. Fantastic! theyve been awesome. Bar one. Shes about 15 (I think) and suffers from mild Autism (Aspergers I think?) and anxiety. Not that thats the problem, the problem is she seems to have a major crush on my husband. She chats to him all the time, wont leave his side and fawns over him (He minds the till) and if I walk in on the middle of one of their conversations I get the feeling (and a death stare) that im not wanted. Shes quite bubbly with everyone, but very cold with me (idk what i did?) My husband has been very kind to her (She says she doesnt have many friends) basically just by listening and understanding what shes going through with anxiety. Shes now started messaging him on FB every night and I must admit, its starting to make me very uncomfortable. Add in the fact that my husband is very naieve when it comes to women and their "Intentions" he gets crushed on a fair bit and by his own admission, honestly thinks they just want to be friends (He wants to be friends with EVERYONE, not a bad trait, but dangerous when combined with his lack of social cue understanding) - tell that to the girl who tried to bed him when we were engaged - he turned her away but couldn't understand how he ended up in that situation, I did warn him .

However as you can see im not dealing with a typical "Woman-after-my-husband" or "Teenage crush" situation. (actually idk how id  handle this if mental health WASNT involved) My husbands also about to start his first ever DBT course (Yay!) He does NOT deal with stress and i dont want to upset his apple cart when it comes to the Op Shop as its one of his "Safe places" nor do I want to send him over the deep end just before DBT. We've fought so hard to get where we are, I fought to get him back when  he forced me into a temporary separation and we are just starting to heal our marriage. Hes staying with friends 3 nights a week to have a "Stress break" - Doesnt help that I suffer Fibromyalgia and Epilepsy too AND we have my Mum living with us (Housing Crisis/ Help with Disabilities / Mum cant live on her own due to her own Mental health issues) So not a low stress household. But in saying I dont want to upset things, I dont really feel very comfortable with whats happening re this teenage crush. Especially messaging him every night.

I really have no idea how to even approach this one. Tell him? If so How? Dont tell him? If not, what do I do?  Help?

Sorry this has been such a yarn ball of info, its quite a complex situation.

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[Sunfl0wer]

First of all welcome!

You say she has Asperger's... . likely she doesn't know what is appropriate or not and needs it explicitly spelled out to her.  It is not appropriate, imho, to be FB an underage opposite sex co worker or subordinate/superior every evening regarding anything.  After hours business communications should be just that, about business and breif.  If this gal is volunteering to gain real world work experience he is setting her up for failure.  Idk tho if he is in a mentor position or not, yet, this could possibly be viewed as sexual harassment in a way because with recent sexual harassment trainings I have heard about, discussions of anything personal at all really qualifies.  

I would approach this in a way to say to H... .
Hey, this gal is depending on this job as a way to gain life long employment experience and knowlege, and the best thing she needs is an understanding of work relationship dynamics.  The current behavior could get folks in big trouble.  Best thing you can do for her is model appropriate work ethic behaviors and keep this all business during business hours and NOT treat her different than the others there.

Persons with Aspergers also often have difficulties with understanding boundaries until formally taught.  They can also develop another person as their special interest.  They also may get easily flooded by their own emotions and overfeel things.  She is a minor.  He is an adult.  This is very tricky territory, his behaviors with her.  My son has Asperger's.  When I have attended my local CARD meetings, so many parents were struggling with their child being obsessed with people to the point of stalking them and really putting themselves in quite risky situations.
While your H may have a mental illness, he is still the adult... .I hope he can facilitate a change in this dynamic that will help her see clearly the way one should behave towards much older coworkers or superiors.

[Notwendy]

Teens have crushes. It's their age. The responsibility for boundaries is on your husband. Not having boundaries with this girl could be illegal. If something were to happen, he would be charged with a crime.

I hope it helps to have a discussion about this. If the girl has Asperger's she may also be a bit emotionally immature. This kind of thing - crushes- is a normal stage for some girls. They may choose to crush on someone who is "safe" to crush on and not a threat. This is because although they may have a crush, they are not ready for a real relationship and so choose to crush on someone with whom they are unlikely to have one with. This is one reason why pop stars are so popular with young girls, especially cute boyish ones. Your H may act in some ways like a cute boy but he is not available. The girl may feel safe acting out on a crush, but without the intent that it could be more than that.

The news is unfortunately full of people who have crossed the line. Teachers who have had affairs with students and so on. Yet, this is a lack of boundaries on their part. Kids have crushes all the time, but crushes are just that, and kids move on. Your H needs to remain professional and I hope he does.