How to stop worrying about BPD ex gf two weeks out

[MikeLondon]

I left two weeks ago, I was going to visit my daughter out of town. BPDgf phoned up and demanded I return immediately, went nuts at me, said she would smash my flat up, lots of abuse and then hung up. I had text next day, no mention of the threats just how cold and heartless I was. I haven't heard from her since, I can't stop thinking about her, hoping she is ok, but knowing that I can't really make a contact because it will only all start off again. We have been together on and off for 4 years, my life was getting smaller and smaller, from very early on she would say things like "you don't look at me in the same way" or " you don't hold my hand " and often talk about people that don't care and how everybody is selfish. Early on I would challenge things like this. I was always on the defensive, having to prove how much I cared or loved her, she would at times get into a real scary rage and bring up every real or imagined slight, insult or happening that I did TO HER. It was wearing me down, most of it was not true at all. I left in haste several times over the years as any hint of me leaving no matter what reason would bring about a rage, she seemed to bring about the very thing she dreaded. At the end I could not talk about anything that was outside her interest without it being mocked or causing her to be upset. At times she seemed very loving, but I was always wary of how she might wake up in a mood or how she would arrive home. She would say things like "everybody has arguments" but these were on way arguments. I noticed the black and white thinking very early on, but thought if we communicated we could get through it. She has a BPD diagnosis but doesn't buy it at all. I eventually could not mention anything about trying to change things as she would take it as an insult and off we would go again. I always felt very sorry for her because I could see that she was like a lost child at times, and a sense of pity that she was so tortured, always sick or claiming to be. Always needing reassurance, claiming mystical powers and insights. I feel I cannot contact her as I could be sucked back in. Yet I worry about her all the time and sometimes find myself just hoping that somehow she could be alright and if that were the case we would have a chance. I am too tired out by it. I think I am co dependent and am aware of the dance, I wanted to come in and give her a good life, we started off promising how we would be honest and open and try to work through any difficulties, but she closed down pretty quickly. We were both in AA, me 25 years plus sober and she 10 years,(she did start drinking for  a year and went into treatment, she has been sober for 2 years again but hates all talk of recovery and AA ) she has no friends, although she can easily make them. I am trying to detach, but it is hard. I know that if she ever wanted to do anything about her BPD I would be ready, but an untreated but diagnosed and in denial BPD woman is too much for me to handle. Just trying to accept the situation but feel quite sad(and a little relieved)

[MikeLondon]

I posted the above but what I want to ask is has anybody else here felt similar and what do you do or did you do to get over or through this?. It seems like I am always anxious about her, wondering is she ok. I still have access to a business email of hers(ours) that I used to help her with, I find myself checking to see what is going on( not much personal stuff cos that would seem a bit creepy) just to see that life or business life at least is going on as usual, making sure she is ok, alive and functioning. I'm thinking I should delete it from my outlook because it just keeps me tied up or hooked in. I thought I would keep it for a few weeks as it sort of relieves my anxiety a bit. What do you think?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Mike-

I posted the above but what I want to ask is has anybody else here felt similar and what do you do or did you do to get over or through this?

I think it's safe to say we've all felt some version of that, and we understand.  You clearly care about this woman, and it's only been 2 weeks after 4 years, so it's still fresh and raw, but to answer your question, the way you get through it, and it is through, the only way out is through, the way you do it is grieve the end of the relationship, the loss, process all the emotions, and work through the stages of detachment that are over there --------->

It's simple, but it's not easy, and you're doing exactly the right thing by posting here and talking to us.  And it's normal to want to check up on her, you care about her, and after a while, once you settle into your detachment, you might find that's getting in the way, but for now if it relieves some anxiety, then it does.  Take care of you!

[MikeLondon]

Thank you for your response, it does feel very lonely and is a big relief to connect with people who "get it". I am just finding my way round the site, boards etc. I had call from a withheld phone number tonight and thought it was my ex, if she calls from her number I was wondering whether I would answer it or not. Not sure what I would do, it sets my nerves on edge. I was thinking I might answer but I don't think I could handle any rage or her tears and it might be even worse if she were friendly or nice or trying to get me to come back. These are probably the most confused set of feelings I have ever had about a relationship. Fear, guilt, grief and anxiety, while caring for someone and yet knowing that it would be insane to go back. Very confusing. Thanks again I will check out the detachment info. I think I need to go NC for sure. Raw is definitely how I feel. Like some of the other posts I have seen here there was an element of feeling cheated over the last several years as I had invested into the idea of happiness and a future only to see it constantly smashed down until I could hardly bear it and just needed to escape. Looking back on old emails I sent her, how incredibly naïve I have been. At least I now have some sort of handle on it and the shared experience of people on here. Bless you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Keep poking around Mike, there's a lot here and a lot of people who understand and care.

Fear, guilt, grief and anxiety, while caring for someone and yet knowing that it would be insane to go back. Very confusing.

Yes, we even have an acronym for that, FOG, which is fear, obligation and guilt, and throw in the anxiety of "walking on eggshells", as it's termed, tiptoeing around the emotional landscape of a relationship with a borderline.  And part of detaching is coming out of the fog, letting it clear, which it will on it's own if you don't communicate with her, and when you do your perceptions of her, you and the relationship will change.  Detachment is a grand adventure and a great opportunity, but first, the grieving and processing, one day at a time.

[Larmoyant]

I always felt very sorry for her because I could see that she was like a lost child at times, and a sense of pity that she was so tortured, always sick or claiming to be. Always needing reassurance, claiming mystical powers and insights. I feel I cannot contact her as I could be sucked back in. Yet I worry about her all the time and sometimes find myself just hoping that somehow she could be alright and if that were the case we would have a chance.

.

Hi MikeLondon, I also struggle with similar feelings and find myself trying to balance feelings of compassion vs fear. Compassion because I've seen his struggle, and fear, because if I tried to reach out I'd be sucked back into the abyss. I'm not sure what the solution is other than what FHTH suggests. What helps me too is to remember what someone told me once, that he has lived with his anxieties and fears for a long time and that he'll be ok. He'll look for other sources to soothe his anxieties. No doubt so will your ex. It's difficult because we care and also it's a bit of a trap in that I too sometimes find myself thinking that if he gets help then we could be together. Only, that's not likely to happen as he sees nothing wrong within himself. It's all me. I can tell you though that with time this does get better. I'm starting to find a balance and those feelings of relief that I'm away are getting a little stronger. Hang in there it's early days for you, but it will get better  

[MikeLondon]

Thanks for your posts. I never knew about FOG, but that is spot on. I do believe that she will be OK, probably more ok than I am right now. It really helps to see that this is a well trod path and that I am not alone in it.  I think the worse part of this leaving is that I know more about it now, I am resisting false hope because I have learned something of BPD, I know that it will only ever be my fault for leaving, not one bit of any of her behavior, control and abuse will be owned. So in a way hope is not an option for us as a couple, not unless there is a huge shift within her. I don't see that coming and I know that I have to leave her to it. Tough for me to do though but am going to take it one day at a time.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Mike-

Don't know if you've seen this article, but many of us found it helpful at this stage:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality