Where to begin?

[aggro2]

Since the beginning of our relationship my wife and I have been seeing her therapist.  She we as ending a 7 year abusive relationship as we were starting ours.  She wanted to "work on herself" and I thought seeing a therapist together would be a good idea.  There have always been signs.  We would have our break downs or "rages".  The therapist would often justify and substantiate her thoughts and feelings even though they often weren't based in reality or fact.  When we switched health plans earlier this year, she finally received a diagnosis of PTSD (sexual abuse as a child) and BPD.  She fit's the BPD diagnosis with nearly every criteria. Now things make sense to me.  Unfortunately, I feel our outlook is bad.  She feels that she has been trying for the last 10 years with therapy and has gotten nowhere.  She seems to hate herself more than ever.  She blames me for not loving her, giving her affection or wanting to be close.  The reality is that I love her very much.  She is an amazing person, however, her unpredictable behavior and "rages" makes me "walk on eggshells".  I don't have the energy to be intimate, which gives fuel to her argument that I don't care about her. We are in this viscous cycle.  She says that she just needs to die.  That I will be better off without her and that it will end her pain.  Tonight, she asked out 22 month daughter, Do you love mommy answer, "yup", Do you love daddy  answer, "yup", Should mommy just kill her self?  answer by daughter "yup".  She then turned to me and said... .there... .see, even our own daughter doesn't want me around. 

I am reading the book, How to stop walking on eggshells.  I am certain that I am to blame for the escalation of this bad behavior.  She baits me and gets a response.  She knows how to push my buttons.  I need to learn how to respond properly when she says " you don't love me"   "all I am to you is a paycheck"  "you and daughter are better off without me"  "I promise you I will be dead within 5 years" In addition to the usual of " I'm stupid" "I'm so ugly"  " I have no friends"   "Everyone hates me"     etc... .

In reality, she is highly functioning.  She has an amazing job and is excellent at what she does.  She does not smoke or do drugs.   She consumes more alcohol than I am comfortable with.  We are still seeing both individual and couple therapists, however, it just doesn't seem to be intensive enough to make a difference for her.  She refuses to use her tools. 

Enough for now... .I guess my immediate question, how can I start to set boundaries to protect myself and undo some of this action-reaction that I have fostered?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tammym1972]

Welcome to the site! There are a lot of great articles here to read. I'm new here but I've already gotten a lot of support. Hang on and someone will be able to answer your questions.

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello 

I'm sorry for what brings you here, and glad you found the site.

how can I start to set boundaries to protect myself and undo some of this action-reaction that I have fostered?

It's a really good question! Have you tried to set any boundaries already with her?

As you probably know all too well, people with BPD don't tend to have any boundaries, and many of us in BPD relationships tend to have weak boundaries.

In the act of learning to set firm boundaries, it's also important to learn communication skills to help with emotional arousal. Chances are, your wife is in a way retraumatizing herself through her relationships, sort of like an emotional limbo where she keeps creating the same dynamic with anyone in her intimate circles (including, it sounds like, your daughter  )

If you have codependent tendencies, where your sense of self worth is tied to fixing/helping/rescuing, you will need to center yourself when the guilt comes up and floods you -- this tends to happen when we set boundaries. In many ways, this is the barrier that holds us back more than anything else. Change will be uncomfortable, and feel risky, and to make it even more challenging, she will likely escalate whatever behavior you are trying to protect yourself from, because she is testing the boundary to find the limit.

As an aside, asking your toddler daughter if she loves mommy and daddy, that is another area where you can practice your skills. It's inverting the parent-child relationship, where D3 is expected to provide the emotional support to mom, instead of the other way around. You can learn validation skills with your D3 as a practice run to get used to these small changes, and then work your way up to your wife if you suspect that too much change too soon will be tough for you.

LnL