I miss BPD ex gf even though I know how bad it was and would be again

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have had no contact with my BPD gf(ex) for about 3 weeks now. I went away for a couple of days to see my daughter. Told her pwBPD by text cos it would have been impossible without major blow up face to face. She raged at me over phone really bad, screamed I have to come back, lots of swearing and threats and then hung up. Texted next day to say how callous and uncaring I was and that I have done it now and will pay the price etc. One week later I had vmail to say my clothes were in front yard. I have not been in touch or made any contact, have been worried about her and if she is ok, then scared in case she comes and causes mayhem at my flat and then on top of it all I actually miss her. That's kind of crazy, but I did invest four years and all my money in this relationship. She was very loving and magical and life was going to be great, I ignored the red flags from very early on. I had to exit suddenly a few times, always because of her rage. Then somehow I would get in touch and we would be off again. I have been reading a lot about BPD (I already knew I was codependent type).
I suppose I feel quite a bit of pain and sadness knowing that I cannot go back because it won't get better. Each time I went back she blamed me for the leaving and that she would have been ok if I didn't leave, so I should make it all better for her as she was a victim of my fickle disloyal and unloving nature. I knew I would have to go as I kept trying to have some communication with her, but to no avail, my world was getting so small. Despite all of this, I still have feelings for her and an attachment . I suppose I finally have to accept that I cannot fix it and the dream/fantasy ( which had nightmare moments) is really over. It's very tough. Does anybody think that I might be able to get some sort of civilized closure here with her? I don't think so, but part of me would like that, it is so messy and unfinished. She used to tell me or boast that guys from her past never got over her. By the way she thinks all guys want her and all women are jealous of her. Does this sound at all familiar? Is this sort of symptomatic of BPD person. By the way she did instigate the romantic / sexual contact with me, I was sort of blown away by this mysterious yet open, honest attractive woman. Wtf happened?

[MikeLondon]

I have had no contact with my BPD gf(ex) for about 3 weeks now. I went away for a couple of days to see my daughter. Told her pwBPD by text cos it would have been impossible without major blow up face to face. She raged at me over phone really bad, screamed I have to come back, lots of swearing and threats and then hung up. Texted next day to say how callous and uncaring I was and that I have done it now and will pay the price etc. One week later I had vmail to say my clothes were in front yard. I have not been in touch or made any contact, have been worried about her and if she is ok, then scared in case she comes and causes mayhem at my flat and then on top of it all I actually miss her. That's kind of crazy, but I did invest four years and all my money in this relationship. She was very loving and magical and life was going to be great, I ignored the red flags from very early on. I had to exit suddenly a few times, always because of her rage. Then somehow I would get in touch and we would be off again. I have been reading a lot about BPD (I already knew I was codependent type).
I suppose I feel quite a bit of pain and sadness knowing that I cannot go back because it won't get better. Each time I went back she blamed me for the leaving and that she would have been ok if I didn't leave, so I should make it all better for her as she was a victim of my fickle disloyal and unloving nature. I knew I would have to go as I kept trying to have some communication with her, but to no avail, my world was getting so small. Despite all of this, I still have feelings for her and an attachment . I suppose I finally have to accept that I cannot fix it and the dream/fantasy ( which had nightmare moments) is really over. It's very tough. Does anybody think that I might be able to get some sort of civilized closure here with her? I don't think so, but part of me would like that, it is so messy and unfinished. She used to tell me or boast that guys from her past never got over her. By the way she thinks all guys want her and all women are jealous of her. Does this sound at all familiar? Is this sort of symptomatic of BPD person. By the way she did instigate the romantic / sexual contact with me, I was sort of blown away by this mysterious yet open, honest attractive woman. Wtf happened?

[Nextinline]

Mike

It sounds like you have been living my life and been with the photocopy of my uBPDxgf... .including all the narcissistic and love bombing displays.

The thing to be aware of here is that she will cycle back to you and she will apologise for her behaviour and the cycle will start again... .but it will be a shorter cycle and she will melt down again and blame you for it all.

I do understand the feelings you have for her, as I had the same and managed to deal with my ex getting engaged to my replacement within 3 weeks of her breaking off her engagement with me.

Sure enough as night follows day, the relationship with my replacement broke down and she wanted to come back.

This will happen to you too.

What got me through all this crap was a simple self validation: "I do not have to prove my worth to her, she has to prove her worth to me."
Simple outcome to that... .she could never prove her real worth as there was nothing lasting or binding that she could commit to and my wellbeing was worth more to me than having her trample on my emotions, my sanity, my finances and my life.

Think of a pwBPD as a bottomless pit of wants that can never be filled.

Try and believe that you are worth more than how you have been treated and look to move on with your life. It does get a lot better.

Cheers mate.

[MikeLondon]

When I look back on the last 4 years I recall that she started expressing doubts about my commitment very early on, the way I looked at her or the fact that I hadn't anticipated what she wanted without her asking were seen as proof of my not loving her enough. Another thing that was probably a red flag was the way she misunderstood my words it was if we were talking different languages, my meanings were completely twisted by her. So I would try saying things differently or more loudly and eventually I sort of gave up. It started to make sense to me about a year ago when I first read about BPD. Prior to that I just thought we could learn to communicate. In the beginning we promised so much, we would grow together show our feelings, be tolerant and have independence within the relationship, committed and faithful but open and honest and would work on our shortcomings, jealousies etc. It all went wrong in a hurry. It was as if I were living in the tiniest of spaces, the world became very small as any friends were denigrated and shunned and I would have to listen to hours of how bad people were, how they mistreated her and were dishonest. It was becoming unbearable, in the end I had to just go, I feel bad about just going, but there was no way to go back without me admitting how terrible I was and would never do it again etc, when in fact her rage and insecurity and control were driving me mad. And yet at times I felt so good about her. Maybe Stockholm syndrome. Has anyone else just run away, or left like me? I sort of feel bad about that , but could never find a constructive way to stay with her as all avenues of communication and compromise were closed.

[Rayban]

Hey Mike,

This sounds vary familiar. I believe you are going through withdrawl from being with a BPD.  It truly is a roller coaster ride, with extreme highs and lows.  

Its been three weeks and I stronly urge you to continue No Contact.  Your logical mind is already telling you that you've tried in the past to go back and nothing changed. Without treatment, it's unlikely that she will change.

You are at an important crossroad right now. Think carefully about she's said concerning guys in her past. I heard the same boasting from my ex. You don't want that, or her sentiment of being God's gift to men.

I could also tell you from experience that she seems to have hit the hate stage by putting your clothes out. By going back now she will do the most cruelest of things. In her mind she has to justify hating you. She will make you regret going back and you'll be stuck further behind in your recovery. You don't need her raging and trying to convince you that you are an evil person, or have her parade other men around you.

Get on with your life and spend it with people who bring positivity.

[Circle]

"She used to tell me or boast that guys from her past never got over her. By the way she thinks all guys want her and all women are jealous of her." -M.L.

This, above, sounds narcissistic to me. Many times, from what I've read, there is an overlap between BPD and other disorders.

I always found www.narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/ to be a great read.

[Rayban]

"She used to tell me or boast that guys from her past never got over her. By the way she thinks all guys want her and all women are jealous of her." -M.L.

This, above, sounds narcissistic to me. Many times, from what I've read, there is an overlap between BPD and other disorders.

I always found www.narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/ to be a great read.

There was a thread on here about the overlap between BPD and NPD or displaying narcissistic traits.  My understanding is that it's common to display these traits when "pushing" or "pulling".

When pulling it could be something like I'm so fantastic any man/woman would want to be with me. In pushing it would be I'm too good for you as to make the non feel unworthy.

In the end, it's still actions that are unhealthy and   unnecessary to any healthy relationship.

[MikeLondon]

Thanks, I do recognize both the pushing and pulling stuff, I always thought that she really didn't think that well of herself and saw both of those types of statements as to how she was insecure. Of course I tried to make her feel secure and reassure her but it was never enough and often backfired. I thought all along that she couldn't possibly really believe the boastful stuff and yes at times she used to let me know how I wasn't deserving of her and the things she did for me. It was all very confusing and crazy making, at time I felt so sad for her, if only she could have 'got it' that she was loved by me and that I was committed to her. No amount of reassurance on my part seemed to make it ok. I sometimes thought we were in two totally different realities. My BPD ex gf was unreachable by me very often, especially when she got something into her head about not being loved. This crazy insecurity and raging and controlling brought about the very thing she most feared. I had to get away, she would hear no talk of any therapy or help as it was me that made her insecure. It was an insane circular carry on. I wondered where she got the energy for so much conflict.