Stupid me, had sex

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Stupid me
Had sex with the exBPDgf
It was amazing, better then ever, she looked amazing too
All those 'feelings' have rushed back... . the only thing keeping me going is the reminder that the sex is just to entice me back

Anyone here going through the same struggles? They are so convincing that they love and care for you and will never do you wrong again

[Confusedpe]

Stupid me
Had sex with the exBPDgf
It was amazing, better then ever, she looked amazing too
All those 'feelings' have rushed back... . the only thing keeping me going is the reminder that the sex is just to entice me back

Anyone here going through the same struggles? They are so convincing that they love and care for you and will never do you wrong again

[One key]

You recognize the mechanism.
That is a start.

[Rayban]

@CD,

It happened, it was amazing ... .now the hard part is just leaving it at that. She knows that sex is a powerful tool to get you back in. Don't do it! I speak from experience.  It will be turned into you just using her for sex and in her head justification to make you out to be an abusive monster that must be punished.  Hang around, and you'll see a side of her that will scare you.

Choose your words wisely and let her know you had a great evening but you aren't interested in a relationship. 

Sometimes they bring you back in just to make you pay for the perceived slights.

[once removed]

hi Confusedpe,

whats the backstory here? what led up to this?

[DazedandConfus3d]

This is something I struggle with too. 

After grappling with it where I come to in my head is that yes, the sex can probably happen, but it NEVER EVER comes without strings or a price. The sex and the drama are not sold separately.

I think most folks who have a pwBPD as an ex experience that same struggle to stay away.  In that moment, I think they fully believe that they would never hurt you or do bad things to you- so in their heads they aren't lying, which is why they're so damn convincing.

But sure as the sun's gonna go down at night, that person will go through a phase of splitting and all of a sudden you're the bad guy and anything they do is justified.  I feel like for me its a losing game where the only way to win is do the  process of grieving the relationship, move on, and find your own happiness.  The moment we reengage it puts all the work we have done back to the starting point, and for me I feel like its just not worth it.

All that being said, I can't say at all that I won't cave at some point.  It's hard, so goddamn hard.

I'm sorry you're having this experience and I hope you find strength and happiness within yourself.  Good luck!

[Hopefulgirl]

Did the same with my ex. After not being touched for over a year and still having loving feelings toward him and an immense amount of attraction all rationale went out the window. Actually I rationalized it as after everything I had been through I deserved it somehow, and he wasn't in love with the girl he was with.

Big mistake. He initialized the sex, then I did, then he told me via text that he only slept with me because she was spending too much time with her mother. And he wanted to just make me feel wanted. Turns out he was planning on moving away the whole time. To the other girls house. Just wanted to get some before he stopped seeing me for good. Said later he was trying to be responsible. A very hard lesson. I ended up feeling discarded like toilet paper and I did it to myself convincing myself things had changed, he had changed.

[Rayban]

D&C

I just had a reflection reading your post and thought about why I went back or why we go back knowing what we know.

Basically, and this might sound overly symplistic, is that I wasn't fully detached.  If I were, I would have the necessary skills to just stay away and stop playing with fire. I long for that day when I will have the clarity of mind to what's best for both me and my ex. She acts on impulse.  It might be lonlines or just a willingness to control.  I have to be the one that says enough is enough and I deserve better then playing games with a disordered person.  

[DazedandConfus3d]

D&C

I just had a reflection reading your post and thought about why I went back or why we go back knowing what we know.

Basically, and this might sound overly symplistic, is that I wasn't fully detached.  If I were, I would have the necessary skills to just stay away and stop playing with fire. I long for that day when I will have the clarity of mind to what's best for both me and my ex. She acts on impulse.  It might be lonlines or just a willingness to control.  I have to be the one that says enough is enough and I deserve better then playing games with a disordered person.  

Ray,

Great post!

I really like you're 'playing games' metaphor- here's what that brought up in my mind-

When I first started dating my ex. I worked very hard to make her feel safe to share her real feelings with me in a space without judgement and focused towards collaborative ways of dealing with issues.  I eventually came to realize that this simply did not work- she would not engage on that level for whatever reason.

After we broke up, I definitely moved to 'playing games' - to get what I wanted and not become enmeshed.  She still found ways to mess with my head, punish me subtly, and take away the pleasure I would have experienced.

So- I found I could not engage honestly, without games.  Playing games back didn't work because she is just straight up better at it than me and understands the inside of my head way better than I understand hers.

It's the very definition of no win- can't play it straight, can't play it on their home turf.

I'm also impulsive, a risk taker, and addicted to intensity - I know I go back because she's like a damn drug and I want another hit.  And I want that hit because I myself am wounded inside- thats what makes me vulnerable.

What I'm working on right now is the 'winning game' in all of this is to examine what it is that 'hit' fills inside me, to use the points I see she used to manipulate me as a roadmap for the healing I need to do.  If I'm able to address these things I feel like I won't be that moth drawn to her flame anymore.

Here's hoping!

[Confusedpe]

Thanks for all the responses

I don't know why i done it im getting bad anxiety now thinking about it and this situation

I'm absolutely FED UP I wish I never met this person I hate myself for meeting her and I hate myself for going back for more

I'm stronger than this! Why am I so weak!
I've tried everything! NC or should I say LC, dating other women, everything! But i can't shake my internal feelings  

I'm feeling horrible today and need guidance so badly I have no one to talk to

[Larmoyant]

Hi Confusedpe, it might help to talk about what led up to this perhaps? Help you sort out your thoughts and feelings.

[Sluggo]

Confusedpe,

I have done it also.  It felt like a one night stand.  I hated myself for doing it.

I know that feeling of feeling so empty and still thinking that I would go back despite all the things she has done.  It is almost like an 'extended cycle'.  Before those cycles might last a week, month, etc (push pull).  I still feel like I would go back... . but I know what would happen.  

Were here for you.  

 

[Confusedpe]

Hi Confusedpe, it might help to talk about what led up to this perhaps? Help you sort out your thoughts and feelings.

I was doing good with LC
I have an uBPDexGF who is an extreme stalker who just won't leave me alone, I've found the best way to stop the 'crazy' behaviors is to go LC instead of NC which is not good I know I should have just gone NC

Anyway after 3 recycles I decided enough is enough (she never left me I always left her) and walked away a year ago in which she has continued to stalk and beg etc

I was strong, didn't see her for 3 months then got dragged into sex

[Confusedpe]

Confusedpe,

I have done it also.  It felt like a one night stand.  I hated myself for doing it.

I know that feeling of feeling so empty and still thinking that I would go back despite all the things she has done.  It is almost like an 'extended cycle'.  Before those cycles might last a week, month, etc (push pull).  I still feel like I would go back... . but I know what would happen.  

Were here for you.  

 

Thank u slugo
I'm such a strong person in every aspect of life but this has crippled me emotionally and I've hit my limit, I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown

[Larmoyant]

I can relate to feeling on the verge of a nervous breakdown Confused. My ex could trigger those feelings in me from just a text. Can I ask how were things left between the two of you? Was there any discussion about how you were going to move forwards or anything? Were you hoping for more?

[Confusedpe]

I can relate to feeling on the verge of a nervous breakdown Confused. My ex could trigger those feelings in me from just a text. Can I ask how were things left between the two of you? Was there any discussion about how you were going to move forwards or anything? Were you hoping for more?

 3rd recycle there was rules set by me and promises made by her, she obviously broke every rule and never fulfilled any promise, because I had been down this path before just basically told her we're done and blocked her off everything... .I knew what was required... .she can't take no for an answer so she started with the usual stalking and harassing behaviors

[Larmoyant]

This sounds familiar unfortunately. I know it's a hard decision, but have you definitely decided that this is the last time? Have you told her you want no contact going forwards or are you going to be low contact? My break-up lasted 9 months and he really only went away when I started replying using no emotion and simple answers. He's gone now. Have you tried this? I understand how difficult it is trying to deal with all the break-up emotions if they keep contacting you. It prolongs the agony. I've improved so much having less contact with him. Her stalking you confuses everything.

[Confusedpe]

This sounds familiar unfortunately. I know it's a hard decision, but have you definitely decided that this is the last time? Have you told her you want no contact going forwards or are you going to be low contact? My break-up lasted 9 months and he really only went away when I started replying using no emotion and simple answers. He's gone now. Have you tried this? I understand how difficult it is trying to deal with all the break-up emotions if they keep contacting you. It prolongs the agony. I've improved so much having less contact with him. Her stalking you confuses everything.

I did and got stronger only to ruin it all by the offer of no strings attached sex, as a male in guessing its harder to control then a female? I don't know exactly but let me tell you, when a drop dead gorgeous woman begs u for no strings attached sex it's a VERYYYYYY hard offer to pass up

[Larmoyant]

Well, I'm not so sure about that  . I met with my ex a few times after I left and it took ALL of my willpower not to have sex with him. Thankfully, I'd turned down alcohol or else I'm sure it would have tipped me over the edge. By this stage though I was so emotionally run down and something inside screamed "NO". It was one of the hardest things ever, but I just knew I'd be crushed afterwards so I completely get how you feel now. How are you feeling now?

I remember recycling with my ex and then it ended and I felt terrible like I was back to square one, and all the time spent trying to get over him was wasted. Only it wasn't really. We just learn more as we go on just like you have now. Next time you'll be stronger and you'll resist. 

[Confusedpe]

Well, I'm not so sure about that  . I met with my ex a few times after I left and it took ALL of my willpower not to have sex with him. Thankfully, I'd turned down alcohol or else I'm sure it would have tipped me over the edge. By this stage though I was so emotionally run down and something inside screamed "NO". It was one of the hardest things ever, but I just knew I'd be crushed afterwards so I completely get how you feel now. How are you feeling now?

I remember recycling with my ex and then it ended and I felt terrible like I was back to square one, and all the time spent trying to get over him was wasted. Only it wasn't really. We just learn more as we go on just like you have now. Next time you'll be stronger and you'll resist. 

I feel like to get over her I need to be swept off my feet by another woman

I know it may sound stupid to you guys, we have been off for almost a year and I'm refusing to ever recycle with her again

I just want to be content and in love with someone who returns the same!

[Larmoyant]

None of what you say seems stupid. Not at all. I've said the same things myself. I just wanted someone to love and love me back in a stable, consistent way too. Doesn't seem too much to ask does it unless you're with a pwBPD. I hope never to be with one again. The only way to ensure that for me is to figure out why I was so enmeshed and why I kept going back so it doesn't happen again. Wanting to be swept of your feet by someone  else is understandable. Anything to avoid the painful feelings, but I'm not sure BPD people are easy to replace. They seem to really get under the skin do you think?

[Confusedpe]

None of what you say seems stupid. Not at all. I've said the same things myself. I just wanted someone to love and love me back in a stable, consistent way too. Doesn't seem too much to ask does it unless you're with a pwBPD. I hope never to be with one again. The only way to ensure that for me is to figure out why I was so enmeshed and why I kept going back so it doesn't happen again. Wanting to be swept of your feet by someone  else is understandable. Anything to avoid the painful feelings, but I'm not sure BPD people are easy to replace. They seem to really get under the skin do you think?

Under your skin is an understatement, I got to the point where I was about to get physically violent towards her, I have never been driven to such insanity by anyone before, not friends, family or past romantic interests.
I'm so sad today I think I'll go to church and pray, when all else fails I believe that god can put ease in your heart

[Larmoyant]

I get it. My emotions would boil over too and sometimes I didn't recognise myself. I'm sorry you feel sad today. I hope you get some comfort from church and your pain eases. Nice talking with you.

[Rayban]

Confusedpe,

Have you heard from her?

You have to prepare for the next interaction with her. Unless she truly accepted no strings attached,  which rarely exists, be prepared for her to guilt you  and blame you for using her.

At this point just be honest with her. Don't be to hard on yourself.  Take the necessary steps to improve yourself.  Sometimes these events are necessary for us to finally see things for what they are. You've seemed to detached from her, but not the sex. Try to figure out why, and what benefits you derive from going back for momentary bliss.

[C.Stein]

All those 'feelings' have rushed back

Sex is not equal to love ... .or caring or emotional security or emotional intimacy, ect ... . 

It would be wise of you to remember this.

There have been times in my past when I could look past someone I was involved with cheating on me, but for some reason this last one is different.  If I really consider what I might do if the opportunity were to present itself (which it won't) I wonder how would I feel.  The only feeling I can come up with is disgust.  She turned her back on me and gave herself and her love to another man.  The depth of betrayal has so profoundly hurt me it would never, ever be the same again.  Even the thought recreational sex turns my stomach, even if I am still attracted to her ... .or at least the woman I fell in love with.

[Confusedpe]

All those 'feelings' have rushed back

Sex is not equal to love ... .or caring or emotional security or emotional intimacy, ect ... . 

It would be wise of you to remember this.

There have been times in my past when I could look past someone I was involved with cheating on me, but for some reason this last one is different.  If I really consider what I might do if the opportunity were to present itself (which it won't) I wonder how would I feel.  The only feeling I can come up with is disgust.  She turned her back on me and gave herself and her love to another man.  The depth of betrayal has so profoundly hurt me it would never, ever be the same again.  Even the thought recreational sex turns my stomach, even if I am still attracted to her ... .or at least the woman I fell in love with.

Sorry to hear of the betrayal I can only imagine how painful that is for u
I don't think I was with mine long enough for her to cheat on me, most of our 'on periods' lasted no more than 3 months

[C.Stein]

I don't think I was with mine long enough for her to cheat on me, most of our 'on periods' lasted no more than 3 months

Is this what you want?  On for a couple of months, relationship implodes, emotional pain is high.  Each goes off with other people ... .then rinse and repeat?

[Confusedpe]

I don't think I was with mine long enough for her to cheat on me, most of our 'on periods' lasted no more than 3 months

Is this what you want?  On for a couple of months, relationship implodes, emotional pain is high.  Each goes off with other people ... .then rinse and repeat?

Definitely not

[tafkas]

At the end of things with my borderline we continued to have sex even though she had declared she was leaving. I wasn't averse to this because I loved her and we had a great sex life. She left and slowly she began to turn to the hate phase. I did what you did and tried to replace her as a strategy. This didn't work, of course. Non-BP's don't behave in the same way. They don't have the intensity, they don't idolise, they don't provide that same 'rush'.

I was even seeking look-a-likes! I think I actually found another borderline that looked like her. Perhaps fortunately for me her cycle was rapid. She went from idolise to hate in only a few weeks. I therefore hadn't formed a deep attachment when I was kicked to the curb. However, I do think it took some of the initial pain away. Alas, I recognise that my strategy was flawed. Like trying to replace heroin with cocaine.

Amid my replacement strategy I met a non-bp. By spending time it didn't take away the hurt or the pain but did deflect it somewhat. I hoped that by spending time with a 'healthy' woman, time may do it's work and finally eradicate some of the painful memories of the borderline relationship. It's had it's ups and downs. Going back to a 'normal' relationship from the high of a borderline has not been easy.

I really feel for you and hope your suffering eases.

[C.Stein]

I don't think I was with mine long enough for her to cheat on me, most of our 'on periods' lasted no more than 3 months

Is this what you want?  On for a couple of months, relationship implodes, emotional pain is high.  Each goes off with other people ... .then rinse and repeat?

Definitely not

So does this mean you see how destructive this cycle is and are ready to end it?