Mother daughter relationship

[Joyful5]

 Not sure if it is me that has the problem or my daughter.
I am a retired high school teacher and my husband retired from law enforcement.  We are doing well, married 36 years and love each.  He is my best friend.
 I have two daughters. My oldest daughter who is beautiful and smart married into it very Italian ethnic family. His mother and father live two doors away from them.   Before they were married my daughter left him two times. After they were married she was going to leave him again. They then had their first daughter she felt she would stay.   After a couple months with their new baby she left came to our house handed him divorce papers. After a day at our home she went back to hers.
She was always a challenge at our home. She's had ups and downs with friends and struck out  against her sister. Sometimes I'm not sure who she was.  However she can be the sweetest girl on earth or she can be the most hurtful person on earth.
 During the marriage we have seen her change into somebody we don't know. He is a very controlling person can be manipulative and I think he's verbally abusive  which doesn't help anything. Recently I made the mistake of blowing up at her.   However this blowup is due to two years of her battling me verbally making me feel terrible yet sometimes things are fine.
 I always wonder if there's something I have done to make her hot and cold. My other daughter said she started getting like this while in high school.
 Let's go back to the blowup. What happened is really small in a big picture. Within the last couple years she has become distant with her family but not with his. This Italian  Family constantly has her involved with their parties, eating every Sunday at their house and there's more. We have shared with her we just want our time with them. But her husband is extremely devoted to his mother and makes sure she is happy.
 The other day it was a soccer game for a little granddaughter. I called my daughter to see if they were going to go. She put my granddaughter on FaceTime  to tell me she was sick and she wasn't going. Later that day I thought would bring her flowers. I got to the house and there was no one home. We had texted and called with no return. We get to the soccer field  and Italian families is there. We have been feeling are we left out. Our granddaughter is three  and  The other is one we have been watching them but if we don't go by the complete schedule of my daughter she goes berserk on us or it is her husband that does. Anyways We get to the soccer field and I blew up in her face and I swore at her because we felt deceived. It is small but we see this is getting worse. She herself has disconnected from us. Two years ago she would tell me I was her best friend and now we are no longer talking. There's so much more to this  maybe will come out and future writings.
 I adore my daughter both of my daughters. I've given up everything for them. I think I'm going crazy with all of this and I wonder if I have a problem. She says I'm crazy but she says hurtful things.  I know I have not said hurtful things to her but try to been very supportive when she was having trouble with her spouse. I do not know how to fix the problem I created last week. It was as though I have had it but I got  upset in front of her in-laws, husband and friends. How do I fix this or get her help or just get help?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi Joyful5,

Welcome    I'm sorry to hear about your recent struggles with your daughter. It can hurt so much to be disconnected from family. I understand your feelings of anger at what happened before that game; in your shoes, I know I would have felt hurt and angry, too. I've blown up at family members whom I love very much—you are definitely not alone.  

You've found a great place for support, because members here have been in similar situations and understand. Also, the site has tons of tools and resources that can help. For example, learning communication skills and how to regulate our own emotions in times of conflict can make a world of difference in our relationships.

Here's a short video about ending conflict that you may find helpful right now:

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

I hope you will be gentle with yourself. You have every right to feel what you feel. All relationships have some conflict, and as we learn more about ourselves and our loved ones, we can definitely learn to respond in better ways that don't leave us and our loved ones hurting.

Keep posting, it really helps. We are here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Joyful5]

Hope I am replying correctly.

Something I did not find, can this be an inherited?  My husband suppresses his life growing up.  My mother-in-law never had friends and was hard on her children.  I usually stayed my distance from her. 

We see our daughter in a situation of BPD and a controlling, manipulative Italian family.  These people have no friends outside the family.  They own a business together, party together, travel together and etc.  When our son-in-law is not with his parents, they are calling 24/7.

After reading much on this site, we wonder if she is in both situations.

[wendydarling]

Hello Joyful5 and welcome

I'd like to join heartandwhole welcoming you to bpdfamily .  and yes you are replying correctly 

Like you we arrive asking questions, what, how and why. I found this very helpful, there are many great resources that help us move forward in our learning Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective

Joy, may I ask you if your daughter is diagnosed BPD or if your research and gut feeling is leading you as many other parents do.

Glad you are here with us.

WDx

[Joyful5]

Our daughter starting being hot and cold during high school.  Spoke to our younger daughter who feels she is mean, hurtful and is bipolar.  The daughter in question had trouble with roommates at college and at one time we had to put a lock on her door so the boyfriend would not pee on her bed.  My husband says she has always been a problem, we walked on eggshells on several vacations but all of this occurred in her teens and there on.  I wanted to take her for help but my husband did not feel it was warnted.  He and I thought it was growing pains and hormones.  Now she is 31, married to a very controlling, manipulative, and verbally abusive husband who has turned her against me mostly but now my husband.  She is getting isolated from family and friends.  I should have never blown up at her because it was her husband that didn't want us around and it came out he doesn't like us.  We gave always treated him well.  She has left him twice before getting married and only married him to beat her sister from marrying first.  She was leaving him before their first was born, stayed with him and then handed him divorce papers a few months after her first was born.  She told me on my birthday that I was the worst F... .mother in the world because I did not want to hang out with her that day.  There is more to this for the reason why but I regret that too. 

I absolutely love her and our granddaughters.  While I was watching them the three year said to me one say "mimi my mommy and daddy aren't nice." The three year old never wants to go home and she has been running away from home.

We need to go to counseling by w do not know how to get her there.  We need suggestions how to convince her the not her but I need help so she goes. 

I asked about this being inherented because my mother in law had OCD and used absive ways of silence and ways that my husbands younger sister married very young to get out of the house.

We need someone to inform us what to say to get her to go.  We are afraid her husband is telling her the opposite.  There have been times she has had to be secretative because of how verbally nasty he gets.  I have heard him.  I think this is another reason she speaks and acts so bad.

Someone help us. Our hearts are broken and we are concerned about how he granddaughters are being treated. 

Lastly to show our concern, while on a walk she was jittery, walking so briskly in 92 degree weather that she went to use a stroller to push the three up a slight incline that she knocked her off backwards n the three year old head hit the pavement (helmet on) n started crying.  I said something of what are you doing and she told me to shut your mouth or go home.  She then proceeded to tell the three year old to get on her back and quit crying.  No sympathy.

I have seen other things but not that bad.

Help!

[wendydarling]

Hi Joyful

Thank you 

May I ask you if your daughter is diagnosed BPD or if your research and gut feeling is leading you towards the diagnosis.

It's a helpful question to ask you in supporting you moving forward.

Small steps work for me.

Best wishes

WDx

[Joyful5]

Yes, we think she has BPD.  Something is wrong.  We think the abusive home life has made things worse.  We are worried about our granddaughters.

Thank you for your concern,
Joyful5

[Maresa]

  I'm sorry to hear about your daughter.  It sounds like you're very concerned about her relationship and I'm hearing a lot of symptoms that sound like they may be PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) related based on what you say about the abuse. Of course only a professional can diagnose that and in person so you would have to get her to talk to someone. ... .sorry if that sounded clinical. ... .it's  what I do for a living.   

That said I haven't met someone with BPD that did not have PTSD... .the two just seem to naturally go together... .unfortunately. 

[Joyful5]

We are so glad you responded.  She is upset with me and won't come near my husband or I.  Should I write a heartfelt apology letter? Then after that how do we get her into counseling.  At first we were making me the problem and I still am the problem to her.  Will using me as crazy and needing her assistance.  Would that work?  We need to get her in and we are also concerned that her abusive husband is talking her out of it.

She is not the daughter we raised.

[wendydarling]

Hi Joyful5

I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with your daughter. Have you considered a course of counselling to help support you? I appreciate it is very stressful and upsetting, it's important we take care of ourselves and often helps see more clearly the way forward for us. If your daughter sees you positively helping yourself, doing the right thing she may follow your lead if she accepts she needs support too, though you say the husband might talk her out of it.  Does your daughter recognise she needs help or is she projecting all the blame on you? One can't force someone into diagnosis or treatment, they have to be willing.

To the right of the screen are tools, skills and lessons to help better understand and change the way we communicate with our BPDs, in fact anyone! I've found them immensely helpful.

Here are two books I've found helpful in understanding what I'm dealing with and come highly recommended.

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Stop Walking on Eggshells

Have you been in touch with your daughter or heard from her yet?

Keep posting, you are not alone.

WDx

[Maresa]

I agree with wendydarling, you cannot force anyone to do something they don't want to. It is a great idea to seek out your own counselor first and make sure you are getting your own help and lead by example.  Good luck and I wish you the best with your daughter.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Joyful5]

I have seen a counselor. 

We did stop by our daughter's house to drop off our Halloween bags for our granddaughters.  She would not allow us to give them the bags or see them. She did tell my husband and I off.  We can accept this but what concerns us is she looked like someone else while yelling at us.  She doesn't even sound like herself.  She did text my husband and thanked us for the bags.

In another post, the person suggested she might have PTSD and we are now thinking she has a combination of things going on.  If I did not post this already, when it comes to my husband and I, we see her needing approval from her husband.

We recently sent her an apology letter and I emailed her a Prayer to heal a relationship that we say daily.  Maybe this will help open a door.

Thank you so much for the help.

[wendydarling]

Hi Joyful5

I'm sorry your daughter is struggling as you say she doesn't even sound like herself and looked like someone else while yelling at you. You say the husband is controlling, abusive - hopefully is can see what you are seeing that to gain help may be in her interest and the families.

Untreated my 28yr daughter finally found herself in crisis last year, suffering severe emotional dysregulation, a number of short hospitalisations  , received a BPD diagnosis and is now attending DBT as an outpatient. My daughter was no longer able to deal with her pain and suffering alone and unable to function.
 
Have you found the counselling useful, to be able to have a space to share your concerns that you can very clearly see your daughter is unwell and not herself, that you think she has a combination of things going on.

Glad you received a thank you text for the Halloween bags a step to keeping the door open.

It's been useful to read other’s stories – see what has worked for them.

WDx

[Joyful5]

Found this prayer and have sent her an email letting her know we say it daily---

Prayer to Heal a Relationship

"Almighty God, hear this prayer."

Dear Lord, I offer you this prayer, to help me with my current relationship situation. Please take away all the pain and hurt in my heart. Fill it with love, joy, patience, and understanding.

Bless us, so that we may never surrender to whatever challenges that come our way. Fill our hearts with love for each other, and may you make each one of us realize each other's worth. Please touch the hearts and fill it with much love.

Make our complicated relationship become uncomplicated. I seek for your mercy and blessing that you may allow us to spend time with each other. Please make this feeling mutual for both of us. Lead us not into temptations. Guide us wherever we go. Always put us in each other's heart and mind. Thank you Lord for hearing my prayer.

We love you,

Mom and Dad