I don't know what is normal in a relationship vs A BPD

[theitcrowd]

I don't think I personally posses traits of BPD but being involved with a undiagnosed BPD women made me feel like it.

I was afraid she would leave anytime but she kept saying " I am loyal" this was not until 3-4 months into our relationship when she started to get flirty/adding random boys on instagram... .At first she seemed loyal and didn't want to flirt with anyone... .I didn't mind her speaking to her close friends but random guys from the internet who clearly say " I want to sleep with you when your bf is out of town" hurts so much!

Whenever I confronted her about it she would act like it wasn't a great issue and said I was being jealous?

But I think it's a cause of concern that your committed gf who says she wants to marry you and wants to be your wife would talk to random guys on the internet and love the attention and tell me that other guys want to sleep with her on instagram but never show me a text from them? Also when I threaten to speak to those guys she claimed she said I was over clingy and she is independent and doesn't need a man to tell them off? She can decide for herself?

Is this normal in a relationship ? Or was I also paranoid?

I was jealous of the guys she talked to , and then I was so used to all the love bombing phase and all the amazing things she told me and later she was so indifferent to me... .didn't want to text or talk as much as before and she told me "It's an evolution of a relationship... .and now we don't have to talk much"... .I thought the more closer you get the more you want to talk and such?

And she would blame me for her anxiety and her biting her fingers etc.

Also I was trying to support her in her studies she doesn't have a degree or nothing (She is 27 and I am 23) and she had to study for her exams and she told me she had to go to the pharmacy to get pills to concentrate and after she took them and had some coffee she got really wild and kind of like a manic episode ... .she was super happy and jumped all around the place... it scared me! she was very kinky and wanted to have sex while studying and was having major distractions idk if it was that drug that did it or what but it scared me! She never passed those exams , she failed them all and she fails almost every exam... .she has no proper career path and lives off her parents money/ works in her fathers company where she is the boss and she is very narc about it saying she's the best employee there etc... She has an amazing house payed by her parents and an amazing luxury car, the best Louis Vuitton bags and only Prada clothes and such! Nothing she worked for herself! There are so many red flags!

She claims that her ex bf cheated on her and that he treated her like a prostitute in the end but I don't know if it's true or not ... .I couldn't ever speak to him... .Also the way she dumped him for me was shocking to me ... .She just dumped him in a day and said she loves me in 3 days she moved so fast... .Also we lived in different countries and she flew half way across the world to meet me and said ":)on't you think I am crazy for doing this"

She kept doing the silent treatment sometimes, didn't want to take photos together and stuff... .would ignore me sometimes... .a few fights within the first week or meeting!


But I personally never wanted to self harm, never did anything reckless, I care about people deeply and I am very sensitive, I want true love and to find that special women and be with her all my life... .My ex wanted that too but she immediately moved on to another guy in 3 days... .

I was also was so used to her texting me everyday and even when she was out with her friends and family... .and she went out with her friend once and didn't text me for 11 hours ( She was in another country) and I was worried but she had the time to use social media and post selfies and stuff on snapchat on her great time outside but didn't have a minute to reply to " I love you text" but she was clearly online all the time on Whatsapp but was ignoring me and when I asked her what's wrong... .she got mad at me for being clingy... .But I didn't mean that! I only meant to see if she is okay or if she needs something from me... .( Yep I am also co-dependent)  Then 3 days later she is out with a new guy? Who looks like me but a bit of downgrade ( my friends said)

Also before she first came to fly to see me I told her I am not ready to sleep with you but she was like "No you are making me feel like a prostitute to fly all the way there and not have sex... ." w/e that means... .but I was a virgin and I didn't want to sleep with her so quickly not until we had a proper conversation but I couldn't... .everytime I tried to make a conversation she would dismiss me and make tantrums like a 5 year old kid

... .I am also a very anxious person and I recognize my type as "Anxious peroccupied" I am trying to work on this... .

Am I crazy? Was I overly jealous was the breakup my fault? I don't get it... .I don't know what's the normal way in a relationship vs a uBPD ? Also this was my first relationship so I can't compare it with others! Which doesn't help!

My main question here is how do I know what is right and wrong in a relationship? At first I never felt she was going to cheat or leave me but 3 months in I felt a weird vibe, I felt I had to stalk her on social media and look who she's talking to and such stuff which I would never do in the first 3 months or before I met her... I've become very paranoid

The reason I am asking this is because I don't want to spoil any future relationships and currently I live in a country which doesn't have any good access to mental health  

[jonmnemonic]

If you're asking these questions, you've already answered them yourself and are just looking for confirmation.  You already know it's wrong and if you pursue the relationship with her it will only get worse.  Putting a ring on her finger will not make her more loyal or considerate of your feelings.  Cut your loses and find a girl you can get along with.

[jonmnemonic]

As for what is normal.  When in a relationship, a person will take on some of the traits (good or bad) of their partner.  High conflict relationships tend not to bring out the best in us which is how it's easy to start second guessing our thoughts, feelings, etc.  If you're strong in resisting the bs you'll tend not to stay in the relationship or the PD partner will lose interest in you (after cranking up the bs dial to maximum).
 
The good news is if you work on your own issues and figure out what it is that attracts you to PD women, you can find a nice girl that doesn't make you feel like your brain is constantly going through a meat grinder.

The truth is most people who are in relationships with a PD have underlying issues that either attract them to the person and/or keep them in the relationship.  Figure out what that is and work on being a better partner for the next person you get involved with.  Remember that healthy relationships are about what you offer the other person not what you get.

[theitcrowd]

I like your reply but this is the first girl I've ever dated but I agree I've learnt I feel sorry for some girls and end up trying to fix them but now I've learnt to stay away from those that need fixing because it's not my fault to fix them

I am in complete NC from this girl and I don't speak anymore but I am trying to just improve myself and make sure I don't have BPD myself because of the way I handled the breakup but at the same time I think the breakup with a BPD i's crazy and lead you to do crazy t
hings because of the lack of closure

[jasmine-1234]

I can relate to your feeling. I've wondered that too, if I will ever be able to have a "normal healthy" relationship after this.  But then, won't it feel that much better to be healthy after all this?  I hope so... .

I think in ways I was attracted to all the drama of it. If someone wasn't "drama" I felt bored.  That is really not cool! I want to be in a good and healthy relationship... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi theitcrowd,



I'm glad you found this community, although I am sorry for the reason. It hurts a lot to lose someone we love, and it can hurt doubly when that person has BPD because of the added confusion and extreme emotions. You are not alone. I felt shattered after my breakup, and couldn't make heads or tails of my life for awhile. Things got a lot better for me, though, and they can for you, too. There is hope!

Many of us have wondered if we have BPD/traits after such relationships. It's normal, and odds are that you don't have a personality disorder. These kinds of relationships can be so emotionally loaded, however, that we start behaving in ways that surprise us. A breakup with someone with BPD is not like a "normal" breakup, precisely because it evokes such intense emotions and triggers dysfunctional coping patterns that desperately need updating. The good news is that you can learn new ways of coping that will help you in all your relationships. This is the place to do that, and to  share your struggles and triumphs as you start the process of detachment.

How long were you together with your ex., theitcrowd? Have you thought about seeing a therapist to help you through the breakup? Therapy really helped me, along with the information and members on this site.

When I first got here, I, too, felt confused about what I had just experienced. This article on the site really helped me gain some perspective:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

If you have time to read it, I'd love to know what you think.

Keep writing, it really helps to share your story. You are not crazy or paranoid, and you don't have to go through this on your own. We're here to support you.  

heartandwhole

[theitcrowd]

Thank you so much for the welcome !

I am still slightly conflicted whether I have developed BPD traits because of the coping mechanisms I developed and behaved slightly like her just to show her how it hurts... .I thought she would understand but it pushed her away and then she said she didn't like my behavior and this is why she left me and found someone new in 3 days which hurt me a lot and left me thinking I am the worst person in this planet.


I never meant to hurt anyone ... .we dated for only 6 months( and one week before she discarded me I left the relationship but felt remorse and went back to her) but it was intense every emotion and also she is my first ever girlfriend Ive never dated anyone seriously before so it hurt and she planned to marry me and have kids just 3 days before the break up and always wanted kids with me and said I had to be the father of her children


But I had a lot of trust issues with her mainly because of her constant seeking of attention  from other men online and her dishonesty by using social media apps

I am very confused how a healthy relationship should be now and what are the boundaries ... .I just want to find true lI've

Being 23 in this new generation scares me because I am an old soul and I find other kids who are 23 are just very immature and don't understand a relationship like I do

Also I can't really seek therapy because I live in a country where mental health isn't a big deal unfortunately and it's very expensive ... .so I have to resort to here and I can't do a proper diagnosis of myself to tell if something is wrong but I don't feel like I have a PD myself ... .

I did read that article earlier today and it's wonderful ... .I have been in no contact for 5 months now but I am just figuring out the situation and want to correct myself in case I am in the wrong

[Sunfl0wer]

I am still slightly conflicted whether I have developed BPD traits because of the coping mechanisms I developed and behaved slightly like her just to show her how it hurts... .

Well, heartandwhole gave a great reply to this aspect.

Many of us have wondered if we have BPD/traits after such relationships. It's normal, and odds are that you don't have a personality disorder. These kinds of relationships can be so emotionally loaded, however, that we start behaving in ways that surprise us. A breakup with someone with BPD is not like a "normal" breakup, precisely because it evokes such intense emotions and triggers dysfunctional coping patterns that desperately need updating. The good news is that you can learn new ways of coping that will help you in all your relationships. This is the place to do that, and to  share your struggles and triumphs as you start the process of detachment.

If it helps to have a "term" to assign to this, we typically call this "fleas."
Meaning, hang around a person enough, and one is likely to pick up a few traits/fleas here and there.

Let's just try to keep ourselves infestation free right?

Idk, I also am a believer that we are drawn to persons with similar levels of maturity as ourselves, so... . It isn't too hard to catch fleas when we are accepting so much crud that maybe a "healthier" person woulda ran away from way earlier.

So to begin accepting stuff... .
Behavior we otherwise would find unacceptable from a stranger... .
Continuing to accept what we don't originally find acceptable... .
Can turn into an erosion of self in a way.

[theitcrowd]

Thank you heartandwhole and Sunfl0wer for your replies!

Yes I do understand fleas and yes I think I probably picked up coping mechanisms to help me from her nonsense... .but it's hard to accept but I know I should now... .I find the way I acted was so immature and childish and especially during the breakup... .then again I remember all her siblings and friends used to call her "childish" even though she was 27 and the oldest... .

I know her father abuses her to some sorts... .like verbal abuse and never appreciates what she does nor believes in her ... .Maybe that's how she developed BPD or something... >

Again I seem to be drifting back to her but I am trying now to work on myself, I want to be the best for the next relationship with another girl... .trying hard enough and if it works it works

Any tips how I can improve myself now? I am reading a lot of self help books and looking into codependency because I realize I'll do anything to be codependent and then burn out when my partner doesn't do the same... .I get sad and angry sometimes when the effort I put is not reciprocated  

[Sunfl0wer]

Well, it is pretty common for folks to be quite focused on their anger at their ex following the break up, or so it seems via observations at the detaching board.  

Yet, for me, my healing occurred more when I was self reflecting and focusing more on me.  I admit, also was not pleased with my behavior in that relationship.  I was admonished years ago by a therapist that the way one leaves their last relationship, is the way they enter next.  I think her point was to teach me to use the end of the relationship and break up as a big learning lesson in how to deal/cope.  She felt if one acts awful while exiting, that immaturity is brought with you to next, yet, while I am not convinced she is entirely correct, the concept of behaving well, imo, has great merit. (Just mentioning cause it seems like you may not be detaching, but deciding, and even how those interactions go even if things don't pan out with her, can be learning/growth ones and could be helpful to post about.)

Any tips how I can improve myself now? I am reading a lot of self help books and looking into codependency because I realize I'll do anything to be codependent and then burn out when my partner doesn't do the same... .I get sad and angry sometimes when the effort I put is not reciprocated

Try starting reading the Lessons and links to the right.  Post about them, ask questions as you work through them to help it make sense and connect the dots for yourself.  As stuff comes up in life that you are trying to cope with, post about that.  

For me, many of my struggles began with my FOO so I do pop my head over to the coping/healing family board, or post issues I want to sort out in my understanding at personal inventory.  Idk how much you have explored and such.

I get sad and angry sometimes when the effort I put is not reciprocated

 
Not sure your age.  I''m over 40.  I think when I was in my early 20's, I felt similar.  I felt that I gave all of myself into the relationship and felt mistreated by the other person not doing the same.  Nowadays though, I am not looking to be a self sacrificing martyr for the sake of a relationship and see that in itself a sign that I am taking things to a level where I am not invested in a healthy manner, actually that I am over-invested and neglecting myself, which is not a good thing at all.  Crap, who am I kidding, yup, I did over invest in my last relationship too!  Yea, that part feels ongoing to me.  I practice with my friendships to prepare for my next relationship.  I practice setting boundaries/upholding values, and am mindful of the dynamics not being on the "drama triangle," or not deciding stuff out of a sense of FOG.

[jonmnemonic]

If you're worried about being BPD and assessing your own behavior in an objective way, you most likely aren't BPD. Introspection is not typically something a pwBPD is capable of.

[heartandwhole]

Try starting reading the Lessons and links to the right.  Post about them, ask questions as you work through them to help it make sense and connect the dots for yourself.  As stuff comes up in life that you are trying to cope with, post about that.  

For me, many of my struggles began with my FOO so I do pop my head over to the coping/healing family board, or post issues I want to sort out in my understanding at personal inventory.  Idk how much you have explored and such.

Spot on advice from Sunfl0wer.   

Looking at our roles in the dysfunctional dynamic is not easy, but it is necessary if we want to change and create healthier relationships in our lives. I think it's wonderful that you are already doing that. If you discover some things about yourself that feel difficult to accept, don't worry, it's normal and you are not alone. I reckon that learning to accept ourselves and others is a life-long process, and we get better and better with practice.

If you like to read, the Book Reviews board has tons of resources that you can investigate, too.

heartandwhole

[theitcrowd]

I get sad and angry sometimes when the effort I put is not reciprocated

 
Not sure your age.  I''m over 40.  I think when I was in my early 20's, I felt similar.  I felt that I gave all of myself into the relationship and felt mistreated by the other person not doing the same.  Nowadays though, I am not looking to be a self sacrificing martyr for the sake of a relationship and see that in itself a sign that I am taking things to a level where I am not invested in a healthy manner, actually that I am over-invested and neglecting myself, which is not a good thing at all.  Crap, who am I kidding, yup, I did over invest in my last relationship too!  Yea, that part feels ongoing to me.  I practice with my friendships to prepare for my next relationship.  I practice setting boundaries/upholding values, and am mindful of the dynamics not being on the "drama triangle," or not deciding stuff out of a sense of FOG.
[/quote]

I am 23 and still finding out more about love and relationships and that's what's most confusing now that I dealt with a possible BPD partner.