Divorce with false allegations to CPS

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My mother wrote about me on November 1st. My ex and I separated 3 years ago after her affair. For the first two years things went ok. I had my kids most of the time. When she met her third boyfriend she asked that I move to California. I explained my nursing license wouldn't transfer so her reaction was to start hiding my step daughter (now 11) and Son (now 6) until I would sign some papers. I got an attorney and got an order to get them both back at 50/50 time. A few days later she made a complaint to CPS alleging abuse of my step daughter. CPS didn't react to it and then a few days after that she filed another complaint saying that I was molesting my son by tickling his pee pee. CPS did a non traditional investigation meaning it wasn't time line based. They apparently interviewed my son and step daughter but waited several months before informing me that there were no concerns of abuse. In that meeting I was told that my step daughter was found to be lying to them, and that CPS felt my kids were being coached on what to say to them, and what to say to the judge. I was also told that my step daughter said her mother tells her to make sure I'm not molesting my son.
During this time my ex had my kids see a counselor but she wouldn't tell me who he was, and when I finally found out he refused to see me. My ex decided to start withholding my step daughter and it turned out the judge never signed the original order so we couldn't do anything. We asked him to sign it repeatedly but by that point the counselor wrote a letter to the judge condemning me but had still never met me. He then replied to one of my emails and said he was happy to work with me to see my step daughter again, but would meet one on one, then add my ex, and if my ex felt comfortable maybe he would allow me to have sessions with my step daughter. My ex made another complaint to CPS that I left marks on my son. CPS turned it over to a detective due to Carly's Law in Oregon and he also found it to be unfounded. She also made a complaint against my mother that was unfounded.
I met with the Licensed Professional counselor not knowing he wrote the judge a letter about me and it was clear he was bias. He kept asking about my childhood and would say, "and that's when you were abuse?". I would explain several times I was never abused as a child. He would draw a square to represent that there was conflict between me and my ex, and now reported conflict between me and my step daughter. On the third visit I asked if he knows who Murray Bowen was and he wouldn't answer. I asked if he knew what triangulation was and he got upset and yelled that we were not going to talk about that any more. After that visit he called and said he wanted me to sign a self incriminating paper before he would see me again saying I was aggressive and would listen to him. He then sent me a letter saying that he wouldn't see me after May 31st. My attorney filed requesting to get a different counselor for the kids and his response was the write the judge and tell him that I am a bully and have anger problems and that awarding another counselor would allow me to win.
At that time the judge allowed my ex to continue withholding my step daughter until he go the previous DHS complaints and my ex's mental health records from when she was placed on two medical hold on two separate occasions, once was after being abusive to me and she was upfront with that when she was in there. She had given me a black eye.
It took a few months to get, this is partly due to my attorney being pregnant and giving birth. We met the judge and after reviewing those records he said he had no concerns for my step daughter to be in my care and would start to see her every Saturday for 6 hours until court which was about 6 weeks out at that time. He did order that I get her that first Wednesday for 3 hours.
I took my step daughter and son out to dinner for pizza that Wednesday, to the park for about 20 minutes, and then home. My step daughter was distant but I was just glad she didn't run away as she threatened that once before telling me all the bad things her mother says about me. About a week passes and then I get a call from CPS. They say there are more allegations and they are going to do an assessment. They came to my home but wouldn't tell me what was being alleged. Instead they said it was just general stuff. I explained to them that I have a security camera at my house and my mom was with me on that Wednesday. Again, they said the complaint was more general. I did offer them the security footage but the declined it.
A few days later they called and said they were taking custody of the kids. We went to court and they wrote up their report and said my step daughter said I grabbed her arm and yelled and screamed at her while I drug her down the hallway in May, and did that again that Wednesday I just had her. Please know, they took custody, but said I could remain with my son 50/50 per the previous schedule but couldn't have my step daughter. From that point forward anything I had to show them showing that it wasn't true I was told, "that's best to give to your attorney".
On a phone call with CPS about a week ago they said they are changing the allegations from abuse to mental anguish but I haven't seen that in writing. I have a nursing license to protect as well. They did tell me that they believe it is founded for mental anguish. I asked how they can see a child and say they are lying and being coached on what to say, but after 6 months of isolation with her mother they now say, "There stories are so similar that its concerning". They say their stories are now the same and they feel they are true, even though I can prove the initial complaint is a lie. I asked what they did to investigate and they said they talked to my step daughter to see what she said, and they talked to people that know my step daughter to see what she told them. That's it. I asked if they called anyone who knew my daughter in my care but they didn't. I asked if they called my mom who was a witness, but they didn't, saying I never gave them her phone number. I have it on video that I gave it to them since the meeting was in my house the first time.
I have read, On splitting And it basically says they will continue to go after you to destroy you, even if it means hurting the kids. My ex has been locked up in mental hospitals and been arrested for smashing a glass and trying to cut her wrist and yet CPS seems more concerned that I'm a veteran which seems to check a box as me being an abuser. Their initial report has significant undertones to me being a veteran so they are concerned.
Recently I received advise and was told there isn't anything I can really do but let her get her way. She told me over several years that she would always be able to make my step daughter choose her, and she would use this to take my son. As of now, it seems true.
Finances are an issues. Is there anything I can do that will get her caught? I discussed this with a legal strategist and she said give up on my step daughter and be glad I have my son for now. She says my step daughter is 11 and knows she is lying to the police, judge, and CPS and will escalate for her mothers sake. Now I may lose my job, and everyone says she will start to do this with my son. I have been patient on waiting for the system to see what is going on. I have documented all the times through text messages where my ex says, "I wish I had a dad like you [son] and [daughter] are so lucky to have you in their life". I'm at a loss. There seems to be no protections from this abuse, and CPS doing a one sided investigation. Any guidance would be great.

[Ove120062]

My mother wrote about me on November 1st. My ex and I separated 3 years ago after her affair. For the first two years things went ok. I had my kids most of the time. When she met her third boyfriend she asked that I move to California. I explained my nursing license wouldn't transfer so her reaction was to start hiding my step daughter (now 11) and Son (now 6) until I would sign some papers. I got an attorney and got an order to get them both back at 50/50 time. A few days later she made a complaint to CPS alleging abuse of my step daughter. CPS didn't react to it and then a few days after that she filed another complaint saying that I was molesting my son by tickling his pee pee. CPS did a non traditional investigation meaning it wasn't time line based. They apparently interviewed my son and step daughter but waited several months before informing me that there were no concerns of abuse. In that meeting I was told that my step daughter was found to be lying to them, and that CPS felt my kids were being coached on what to say to them, and what to say to the judge. I was also told that my step daughter said her mother tells her to make sure I'm not molesting my son.
During this time my ex had my kids see a counselor but she wouldn't tell me who he was, and when I finally found out he refused to see me. My ex decided to start withholding my step daughter and it turned out the judge never signed the original order so we couldn't do anything. We asked him to sign it repeatedly but by that point the counselor wrote a letter to the judge condemning me but had still never met me. He then replied to one of my emails and said he was happy to work with me to see my step daughter again, but would meet one on one, then add my ex, and if my ex felt comfortable maybe he would allow me to have sessions with my step daughter. My ex made another complaint to CPS that I left marks on my son. CPS turned it over to a detective due to Carly's Law in Oregon and he also found it to be unfounded. She also made a complaint against my mother that was unfounded.
I met with the Licensed Professional counselor not knowing he wrote the judge a letter about me and it was clear he was bias. He kept asking about my childhood and would say, "and that's when you were abuse?". I would explain several times I was never abused as a child. He would draw a square to represent that there was conflict between me and my ex, and now reported conflict between me and my step daughter. On the third visit I asked if he knows who Murray Bowen was and he wouldn't answer. I asked if he knew what triangulation was and he got upset and yelled that we were not going to talk about that any more. After that visit he called and said he wanted me to sign a self incriminating paper before he would see me again saying I was aggressive and would listen to him. He then sent me a letter saying that he wouldn't see me after May 31st. My attorney filed requesting to get a different counselor for the kids and his response was the write the judge and tell him that I am a bully and have anger problems and that awarding another counselor would allow me to win.
At that time the judge allowed my ex to continue withholding my step daughter until he go the previous DHS complaints and my ex's mental health records from when she was placed on two medical hold on two separate occasions, once was after being abusive to me and she was upfront with that when she was in there. She had given me a black eye.
It took a few months to get, this is partly due to my attorney being pregnant and giving birth. We met the judge and after reviewing those records he said he had no concerns for my step daughter to be in my care and would start to see her every Saturday for 6 hours until court which was about 6 weeks out at that time. He did order that I get her that first Wednesday for 3 hours.
I took my step daughter and son out to dinner for pizza that Wednesday, to the park for about 20 minutes, and then home. My step daughter was distant but I was just glad she didn't run away as she threatened that once before telling me all the bad things her mother says about me. About a week passes and then I get a call from CPS. They say there are more allegations and they are going to do an assessment. They came to my home but wouldn't tell me what was being alleged. Instead they said it was just general stuff. I explained to them that I have a security camera at my house and my mom was with me on that Wednesday. Again, they said the complaint was more general. I did offer them the security footage but the declined it.
A few days later they called and said they were taking custody of the kids. We went to court and they wrote up their report and said my step daughter said I grabbed her arm and yelled and screamed at her while I drug her down the hallway in May, and did that again that Wednesday I just had her. Please know, they took custody, but said I could remain with my son 50/50 per the previous schedule but couldn't have my step daughter. From that point forward anything I had to show them showing that it wasn't true I was told, "that's best to give to your attorney".
On a phone call with CPS about a week ago they said they are changing the allegations from abuse to mental anguish but I haven't seen that in writing. I have a nursing license to protect as well. They did tell me that they believe it is founded for mental anguish. I asked how they can see a child and say they are lying and being coached on what to say, but after 6 months of isolation with her mother they now say, "There stories are so similar that its concerning". They say their stories are now the same and they feel they are true, even though I can prove the initial complaint is a lie. I asked what they did to investigate and they said they talked to my step daughter to see what she said, and they talked to people that know my step daughter to see what she told them. That's it. I asked if they called anyone who knew my daughter in my care but they didn't. I asked if they called my mom who was a witness, but they didn't, saying I never gave them her phone number. I have it on video that I gave it to them since the meeting was in my house the first time.
I have read, On splitting And it basically says they will continue to go after you to destroy you, even if it means hurting the kids. My ex has been locked up in mental hospitals and been arrested for smashing a glass and trying to cut her wrist and yet CPS seems more concerned that I'm a veteran which seems to check a box as me being an abuser. Their initial report has significant undertones to me being a veteran so they are concerned.
Recently I received advise and was told there isn't anything I can really do but let her get her way. She told me over several years that she would always be able to make my step daughter choose her, and she would use this to take my son. As of now, it seems true.
Finances are an issues. Is there anything I can do that will get her caught? I discussed this with a legal strategist and she said give up on my step daughter and be glad I have my son for now. She says my step daughter is 11 and knows she is lying to the police, judge, and CPS and will escalate for her mothers sake. Now I may lose my job, and everyone says she will start to do this with my son. I have been patient on waiting for the system to see what is going on. I have documented all the times through text messages where my ex says, "I wish I had a dad like you [son] and [daughter] are so lucky to have you in their life". I'm at a loss. There seems to be no protections from this abuse, and CPS doing a one sided investigation. Any guidance would be great.

[ForeverDad]

I don't know how your state or court would lean when considering nature versus nuture, that is, whether bio-father has the rights but parent-stepfather has less.  Is bio-father have any contact with his daughter?  (Was he described as missing?  Could he have actually been driven away?)

I've "been there, done that" a decade ago.  But I had only one child in the conflict and I had the mixed fortune for my child to be a boy.  (Yet, even so, my then-stbEx did eventually cart our preschooler off to the ER saying "my son told me... .".  Too bad for her that the claimed bottom scratching only resulted in a prescription for pinworms, not abuse.  )

Every allegation resulted in "no concerns" for me, or case closed.  Still, every time they got an allegation, it had to be 'investigated'.  Sickening!  For me, it didn't get much worse than that, though it was up in the air for a few years and I did have many fretful nights of interrupted sleep worrying if that night would be the night the police came to get me.  It took me a year before I started getting some favorable comments from various professionals.  Somehow I made it through the gauntlet of possible advocates for Ex.

[ForeverDad]

Still, every time they got an allegation, it had to be 'investigated'.  Sickening!

What I meant was that my Ex was abusing the informant or whistle blower principle.  She had ulterior motives to slant things to her benefit, she was NOT a neutral observer nor a concerned citizen.  One telling factor that wasn't highlighted in our case was that she had never made an allegation until after we separated — she was arrested for making DV threats though the judge eventually ruled her not guilty since she didn't have a weapon in her hands when she was making threats — and she had a vested interest in making me look worse than her.  I viewed it similar to a "sour grapes" sort of retaliation.

What I felt was sickening was that I had to defend myself over and over (or wait over and over) for the "case closed" outcome.  I did once get, after I requested, a letter stating that the latest allegation was "unsubstantiated".  It's very hard to get a stronger "unfounded" outcome.  I felt at a disadvantage, that even though I might get 10 or 100 "case closed" results that the next allegation could have a shred of truth in it that would get blown out of proportion.

I've heard that a person can get arrested if they repeatedly make false "fire!" calls.  Not so with child abuse, neglect or endangerment allegations.  There are virtually no consequences when it comes to 'unsubstantiated' allegations of DV & child abuse.  Well, not exactly.  Eventually the reporter is could have weakened credibility.  That's what happened after a few years with my Ex.  It was a couple years after my two year divorce and I was seeking full custody.  In the Change of Circumstances decision from the court it noted that my ex had made an allegation during one of the professional's interviews but no one even bothered to ask me to defend myself.  That's how low her credibility had dropped.

[Ove120062]

Thank you Foreverdad for being here. The first complaints were all listed as unfounded, however this complaint DHS said they are going to list it as founded, not for abuse but they are going to change it to mental anguish, but I haven't receive the notice in the mail yet so I can't object to it. We had court yesterday morning and the DA's office wants to drop the case. I'm not sure why, but I think my court appointed attorney said I would stop trying to get my step daughter.
I discussed the case with a legal strategist, who was very very direct and she said "you can't be a dad in jail" while explaining that I need to keep away from my step daughter as she is 11 and knows she is lying. The system has shown her that she can make false complaints without consequence. She also said "After what she has done to you, you couldn't pay me enough to be in a room alone with her because you'll have no idea what she will come out saying".
I too have had sleepless nights wondering if the police will show up at my door to arrest me since my step daughter is so willing to lie to people for her mother. It is an awful place to be for sure. One thing someone with experience with this said is if I get this listed as "unfounded" or "unable to determine" that my divorce attorney needs to file for emergency full custody of my son since all the complaints started right after I filed for divorce, and after we were separated for 2 years without any complaint and me having both kids most of the time.
In answer to your question, the bio dad was mostly absent in her life. He would see her about ever 6 months when we moved closer to him. Prior to that he went several years without seeing her. I even sent him a message about 2 years ago offering him to go bowling with us being my step daughter said she missed him. He never came, and half way through the bowling drip he texted that he was busy doing tattoos and wouldn't be coming. I told me step daughter and held her thinking she would be upset, but she wasn't. She acted as if it was normal for him not to make it and seemed to cope well. But I will never forget the sadness I felt for her that day.
Since court he says he would see her all the time and my ex says he did, but it isn't true. Now he wants to be her dad since he believes all the things my ex is saying about me. Interestingly I have the text messages where my ex said the pro's of moving to California would be to keep my step daughter away from her bio dad but he didn't seem to care about it in court. I also have the emails where she says he was abusive to her and my step daughter when she was 2 but those haven't come out in court yet and might not. All the things she says about me, she used to tell me the same things about him. He has sent me threatening text messages saying I only want my step daughter because I'm a molester but I do feel for him a little as he is choosing to only listen to one side of the story and for some reason believes it. Its likely he views this as a way to start getting scheduled time with his daughter so saying I'm a bad father will help him get that.
Any other advise you have would be great and I can't thank you enough for staying on this web site 10 years after your divorce.
I have read that they, your ex, will continue to try and destroy you after this is over. What has been your experience with that after the divorce was final. Did things change or stop? I was also told never to date someone as that will light a fire under your ex and they will try even harder. I've stayed single for 3 years and am happy with that but want to know how far I should stay away from woman that may be interested in me.

[ForeverDad]

My Ex is disordered so far as I can discern but, as many here experience, nothing is diagnosed.  I do know that she hates me — my son tells me so — and to this day I have to be very careful when contacting her.  It's better now, the last time in court she had her entitlement balloon deflated a bit.  Still, no matter how I try to dance around triggering words, she still counters finding something bad to focus on.  Sadly, our teen has become the message bearer sometimes when the schedule has to change or he wants changes.  It has been over a decade since we separated and then divorced.

It seems you won't find an advocate with SD's father, not with him being conned to picture you as an abuser.  With the molester allegations being thrown around and the issue involving a preteen girl who you probably don't have a legal claim or obligation to — you probably can't adopt and you probably don't have to pay child support for her — it probably would be best to step back.  I recall when I was first in court that my then-stbEx's lawyer tried to make it look like I wanted reconciliation so I could continue controlling her.  So when he asked if I wanted her back, expecting me to blindly say yes, I frankly replied, "Not the way she is behaving now."

One thing someone with experience with this said is if I get this listed as "unfounded" or "unable to determine" that my divorce attorney needs to file for emergency full custody of my son since all the complaints started right after I filed for divorce, and after we were separated for 2 years without any complaint and me having both kids most of the time.

I wish I would write otherwise, but that's a practical approach or strategy.  However, be aware courts seldom want to grant full custody unless years of tweaking in court doesn't work.  I went through a 2 year divorce, it wasn't until another 3 years passed that I got full custody.  Many of us never get full or sole custody, our only recourse is to get the best orders we can manage.  However, if she does move away and you can keep majority time with him (and something like Decision Making or Tie Breaker status) then she will be far enough away that the chaos and sabotage could be limited.

As much as you want to help your SD, the only positive I see is that you were majority time parent for 2 or 3 years.  I am doubtful that's enough to get the court to side with you over mother's obstructions, SD's statements and you not the biological father.  If you can manage to get past the current CPS claims it really is most practical to focus on what you do have an obligation for, your son.  Not that you want to split the children some of the time, but that's the reality.  As it is, it will be hard enough to succeed in keeping majority parenting time for him.  All the professionals, with Mother Knows Best (Tender Years Doctrine) as the password for the last few decades, will be inclined to say "why not change son to mother?" rather than "why not keep son with father?".

Strategy point... .If mother or professionals get documented saying in court she or they want majority time for mother and you have less time or EOW time, then that means the "child abuse, neglect or endangerment" claims are over.  Then your lawyer could strategize that with abuse claims discounted then it reverts to you having HISTORY of majority time for the past 3 years and her sour grapes complaints only started when you filed to change the status from separated to divorced.  Well, until she realizes minority time is too much for you and then the abuse claims could start again, this time with son being her focus.

I've stayed single for 3 years and am happy with that but want to know how far I should stay away from woman that may be interested in me.

We do encourage our members to give ourselves time to recover from our dysfunctional failed relationship before pondering a new relationship.  Recovery is a process, not an event.  I have two questions:  (1) If you started a new relationship, how much focus would be on the legal issues and blocked parenting?  I know it was a few years before my legal issues moderated enough not to feel like crying on another's shoulders.  Ponder how to start a new relationship in healthy ways. (2) Would starting a new relationship cause problems in your divorce, add fuel to stbEx's fire?

[Ove120062]

I don't mind staying single. A physician friend of mine who has been a mentor to me through this process stayed single for 14 years after his divorce. His ex was extreme as well taking him back to court every 2 years until his son was old enough and asked his dad to get full custody of him. Very early on, about a year ago I was talking to my ex at our drop off and she randomly yelled, "stop yelling at me in front of the kids" and started looking around for witnesses. I wasn't yelling and chose to just get in my car and leave. My friend said I should no longer talk to her and just say, "for the benefit of the kids we should only communicate through text for now". I've stuck by that and feel protected by that. I also find strength in his chosen life to not be in a relationship as it will eventually take my time away from my son.
My ex would be very angry if I was to date someone. I struggle knowing that she still controls me through the knowledge that she can and will file CPS complaints as a means to get that control, and the system seems to be designed to allow it.
I received the updated report from CPS last night it still says they feel child abuse happened but is now more about what my step daughters licensed professional counselor says about me. He claims my step daughter has severe PTSD, but on the initial report he said she had PTSD but it was resolved a few months of not having to be around me but came back when I had her after her 6 months of isolation with her mother. Its hard to read these things, especially knowing that CPS only investigated by "asking your step daughter what happened and then asking people who know my step daughter what she said happened".
As you look back you tend to see the errors along the way. I thought it would be cheaper to hire an attorney figuring I would be done with this in 6 months tops. I didn't get a CE at that time due to their high cost, but that likely would have been the best thing to do then as they would have seen this break down and watched my step daughters claims change over time. I'm not sure where I'm at now since hiring one is outside of my ability, and if I did they would have a mother and one child say I'm an abuser and per CPS, "There stories are so similar".
Any other insight you have would be wonderful. I'm struggling, and in those times I find it slightly difficult to think of the right questions to ask. Also, I'm not sure what stbEx means, along with DH and I see that used a lot.

[Ishenuts]

stbEx = soon to be Ex

DH = dear husband (DS = dear son, SS = step son, etc)

Good luck!