So tired of feeling this way/ what a mess

[Laurielynn]

Have any of you experienced feeling so alone, or so traumatised after dating or being married to an XBPD that you feel you will never recover? I'm so tired of being alone. I'm too afraid to get out there, and meet someone new, but the loneliness is overwhelming... my mother is a BPD/ hoarder,  my father was a narcissist, I married a BPD/ narc... left him from his abusive behaviours, had another longer term relationship with a BPD, dated another guy I met online... ( the last one) I thought for sure was a normal... only to find out he too was borderline NPD. I feel I have nothing to offer... My therapist says I have PTSD, and clinical depression. I feel like going into a hole, and never coming out.
Like if this is all life is, I had rather not participate.
I moved to a diffrent city a few months ago, to start over ... been living with a friend, and her girls only to find out she's alcoholic.  
I work so much as a nurse, I don't have social life.
I feel I'm going deeper into depression... I learned a few weeks ago, My ex BPD BF
has found the perfect woman for him, as I reached out to " make peace" after last summer discovering all the while we dated, he was still online perusing others, while together. I blew him out, after I learned this. (I'm not the type person to be mean... but had had enuff... hearing negative remarks from others.
I'm not the type being an empath to keep negative feelings... and wanted to forgive him and him forgive me... so we could both let go of the baggage... and move on separately.

Although when we dated, he would promise over and over to be off the sites, I would ck in a week or two and he wud be back on, then deny it by saying I was crazy. Now, He is completely off all dating sites with his new GF. I wonder why he didn't do the same with me? I tried so hard to make it work.
I'm feeling bad, and learned from a friend she resembles me in appearance.
This void... or black hole seems to be taking over. It's been a little over a year... and I'm not getting better... Anybody else having the same issues? And how are u dealing with it?
Aldactone

[wheretostart0]

my ex really messed with me bad.
she was quiet. kept it bottled up which i saw in the early stages.
lasted about 8 months but the fun stopped 3-4 months in.

i showed some weakness, knew she "had me".

the next 4 months there was some extreme narscissism playing out. part of it was due to me treating her like she was normal when really what i was communicating was being used against me. she knew i wanted to spend time with her and she used it against me.
she finally broke it off because i called her out on everything and she lost control of the situation, the jig was up. i went NC for over a month. her tune changed slightly, i thought she might actually come back if even for a night and then boom off the radar again.
she remained in LC up until a couple weeks ago where i lost it again. this went on for MONTHS then after. im talking almost 3-4 months of LC. just low key playing with me.

i know the feeling. ive never felt so humiliated and disrespected in all my life. from anybody ever. lied to and avoided who knows how many times its sickening. i let it happen though.

you need to pick up where you left off. theres little things that remind me of her and it hurts, it always will, but in reality the person i knew, the young lady i met is gone. for months its like i was talking to a ghost that was trying to keep me from moving on with no genuine intentions. i tried hard too. i tried to own as much as i could.

you need to be strong and youll find a man who treats you with the respect you deserve. NEVER reach out to this guy.

[Larmoyant]

Have any of you experienced feeling so alone, or so traumatised after dating or being married to an XBPD that you feel you will never recover?

My therapist says I have PTSD, and clinical depression. I feel like going into a hole, and never coming out.
Like if this is all life is, I had rather not participate.

.

Yes, I feel so traumatised it's almost paralysing. It's been almost 10 months since I left and I thought I'd be feeling much better by now yet I still feel traumatised. I thought the hard part was leaving, but everything seems to have come to the surface, all the horror of it, and it's difficult wading through it all. I've shut myself away trying to come to terms with it all. It's tough.
 
Finding out your ex has someone else would have desperately hurt and I feel for you, but try not to let it mean anything about your worth. I know it's hard especially now he's gone off all dating sites, but how long for do you think?  I mean, they tend to repeat the same patterns don't they.

Take my ex, for example, I met him on a dating site. Unknown to me at the time I was a replacement for his girlfriend. A month of so in we decided to be exclusive and to come off the dating site. Little did I know that he was a member of several other dating sites. During our 'break-ups' he'd jump immediately back on them to search for someone new. We'd get back together and around and around we'd go. Him promising to come off of them, me finding out he hasn't. The lack of trust and anxiety around this was so damaging. Does wonders for your self-esteem doesn't it? I have no doubts he's back on them, but this time I'm not looking.

Hang on Laurielynn, these BPD relationships seem to be very hard recover from. I don't know about you, but I feel tossed around like a rag doll, pushed and pulled so there seems nothing left of me, but we will recover. I'm sure of it.   
 
 

[Buffie]

Hi LL,
The things you write and the people in the past seem really hurtful.  I can tell you that there is hope, and the damage that was done in your life doesn't have to define you.  You're a nurse so you have intellect, and probably a lot of empathy, good traveling partners in life.  If you could give yourself advice, what would three things be, that you could do, that would benefit you?

Buff

[lovenature]

Hi LL

I am sorry you are in so much pain, reading about your past and being a nurse helping people shows how strong you really are.

I am over 10 months NC on my end, I still struggle with depression, low self esteem, co-dependency. During depression it is very easy to see and magnify the negative, and very hard to see the positive while minimizing it too. Try to focus on the little things in life you enjoy. Remember that recovery (like life) is not linear. I try to remind myself that I never could have fathomed the pain of going through a BPD relationship if I didn't live it, it's possible that something else of great joy could happen in my future that I can't fathom at this point-same for you.
The further out you get, the clearer things become; sometimes painful, and sometimes you feel better. The benefit of healing from these relationships is when we shift the focus to us and learn the hard lessons we need to in order to have healthier futures.

There is no "perfect" partner for a PWBPD, social media definitely doesn't show the whole truth, and remember that a PWBPD will do what they feel they must to retain an attachment.

Hang in there.

[tammym1972]

I understand. My ex dumped me a little over 2 weeks ago and it has been the most traumatizing thing that has ever happened to me. See if you can go to a psychiatrist. It has helped me a lot.