Having a difficult time with my mother while my Father is dying from cancer

[RainbowBryte81]

Hi,  This is my first time posting here. I'm very thankful for having an outlet because I have been very pent up. My Dad is dying from liver cancer and has less than a year left to live. Me and my mother haven't gotten along since I was about 13. We argue and fight about everything. She's always right and I'm always wrong. Even though she has called me fat and stupid, has assaulted me (because my face was "mocking her", and so many other things... .she just won't say I'm sorry. I end up apologizing just in order for us to get along. I was home schooled my entire life, and now that I'm 35 I feel like I was raised to be her kicking stone.

  She has alienated herself from her entire family, except for one niece... .who molested me. And now that my Dad is sick, I really want the stupid bickering to stop. We can't even be in the room for 5 minutes now without getting into an argument. I love her, and I wished we could have a good relationship but I don't know what to do. She also has chronic health issues, and her behavior is getting worse. I don't want to abandon her, but I have clinical depression and don't know what else to do. The most important thing now is for us to get along for the sake of my Dad. Thanks for listening

[HappyChappy]

Hi RainbowBryte81, 

So sorry to hear about your father’s cancer. It is a shame that a BPD still can not keep the peace even at difficult times like this. I can see how frustrating this must be for you. I have a similar scenario and my BPD Mom is focusing on how difficult my Dad’s illness is for her.

We can not change our BPD behaviour, but we can change how we react or cope with it. Like you I use to argue with my BPD, they have programed us to rise to it all. So we need to de-program ourselves, with CBT and things like that. I found medium chill worked well at avoiding confrontation. Here you simply do not react to any of the BPD provocations, you are emotionless. You don’t ignore them, as that’s provocative. A BPD will lose interest if you don’t rise to the bate. They feel they can no longer manipulate you, so lose interest. They also like drama, that’s their forte,  so talk about boring, practical subjects. Works best in a group situation. However if you’re in a one to one, consider using the following:

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Please feel free to post things that trouble you, or situations you want validation or trips on. A problem shared is a problem halved. Welcome to the board.

[Notwendy]

Hi RainbowBrite-

I went through a similar situation when my father was seriously ill. I had truly hoped for some peaceful time with him. It seemed that this situation made my mother's behaviors worse.

I didn't know much about BPD at the time, and my mother's behavior was shocking and puzzling. When I learned more about BPD- it made more sense.

All families manage in a sort of way that balances the system. In a dysfunctional family, members can take on different roles to do that. Many families have a scapegoat child- like you feel- the one that the dysfunctional person aims their anger at. PwBPD have difficulty managing their uncomfortable emotions and tend to project them on to others.

My mother can say hurtful things, but then afterwards, act as if nothing happened. This is why. Like a child who has a stomach ache, the anger was like throwing up. After a child throws up, he or she feels better and it is over for them. This is emotional throwing up. It is over for her, but not so easy to get over for the target.

Your parents have a pattern between them. The drama triangle model ( read about it) helped me to understand that, if my mother felt like a victim, my father would step in to rescue her. If she was angry at me, then he would get angry at me too. The focus of our family was on emotionally caretaking my mother. We had to do whatever she asked us to do. Everything was about her. In triangle there are only three roles: victim, persecutor, rescuer. When my father got sick, my sibs and I shifted our focus to him.

The stress of the situation, what my mother was feeling, and the shift of the family dynamics resulted in an escalation of my mother's behaviors. I had hoped for some family peace - but things were difficult. I could only take so much of it myself emotionally. This situation pushed me to learn more about BPD, establish better boundaries. Although I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my father, I also had to step back to take care of myself, and my own family.

Some things to keep in mind:
-Medium chill- as suggested by HappyChappy is a good way to not add fuel to the already emotional and difficult situation
- Self care is key- you do not have to tolerate abuse from your mother. If you can be in the room alone with your dad, do that. If not, and the limit to how long you can be with your mother is 5 minutes, then stay for 4 minutes at a time. It takes two to argue. If she starts, then excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, get a glass of water, anything- even if you just sit in the bathroom long enough to calm down.
-Don't take their behavior personally. What your mother says to you is more about her than you.
-Consider counseling for the situation and your grief. Your parents are dealing with their own emotional stress- they probably can't see what is going on with you. But this is hard- and support helps.
-take care of yourself. They say on an airplane- put your oxygen mask on first. Your father truly wants the best for you. Don't forget that. Honor him by taking care of you.