Confused and thinking of NC

[Sarah girl]

Hi all, haven't written here in a while. I recently moved to a town 2 hours away from BPD mom. I've been LC and medium chill with her for a couple of years now. Her rage and accusations have been going from bad to worse. Lots has happened but long story short, my mom quit her job and went on an extended vacation to Hawaii while we were moving house. We got a lot done in very little time. With her gone for over two months, I felt like I was the one on holiday!

When she returned, she demanded we make the 2-hour drive to visit her immediately because this was her right. She was enraged when I said we couldn't. We're a very busy family of 5 with a 9 month old infant who screams if he's in the car for longer than 20 minutes. I told her we have to drive down for Dr appointments this Friday and we would drop by. She immediately got enraged and accused me of not caring enough to stay the night. She lives in squalid conditions and I won't let my kids breathe the black mold in her house.

She has been growing increasingly confrontational with every conversation. She accuses me of leaving her, of betraying her, of not caring, etc. I'm having a really hard time feeling any empathy towards her at all. She calls and jumps right into the venomous anger.

Yesterday, I called her to share the happy news that the baby cut his first tooth. All I got was rage. She told me that she was going to lock me in a room alone with her and vent all the issues she has with me. She told me the devil is ruining our relationship and I've been brainwashed. Immediately, I told her no. I said that I would not let her isolate me. I also said that she needs to share these thoughts with a therapist before she can tell me about them.

From the train wreck that ensued, I understand now that she thinks she is a self-sacrificing, kind and generous mother who has devoted her life to supporting me. She never meddled in my affairs and I don't know how good I have it. Also, she's never said or done anything harsh to me. She is genuinely totally oblivious to the toxic rage she spews on a regular basis. I, on the other hand, am a horrible daughter who has turned my back on her and will never be there for her if she's ever in need. Also, she blamed me yet again for a love that never was. Apparently, she refused the advances of a rich man for my sake and I was not worth the sacrifice. In the past, she told me I was the cause of her failed marriage to my dad.

I was very evasive during all of this (inside, I was nervous and terrified). I told her that I am not her emotional life partner. I said I don't want to fight with her and I will not engage in anything she says in anger. I did tell her that I feel scared and threatened by her rage. She wanted specific examples of "bad behavior" but I didn't want to take the bait and get sucked in to reliving the most traumatic episodes of the past.

Finally, her voice went from screaming to complete cold calm. She thanked me for showing her how "far gone" I am and hopes that I never need her in the future for my sake.

I can't take her confrontational aggression. She's demanding complete transparency and vulnerability. She's demanding to go back to the way things used to be. It makes me sick inside. I'm thinking of going NC.

Over the summer, I reconnected with my dad after 16 years of mom-imposed estrangement. I'm very grateful to have him in my life and the lives of my hubby & kids. This is the ultimate betrayal in my mom's eyes. I can never be free and at peace as long as her shadow is looming over me.

I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts about this... .thanks

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Sarah girl:   

I'm so sorry about your mom.  I can see how you would want to go NC.  Only you can decide what is best for you, but I think you are on the right track.  If something changes for the better, you can always change your mind and resume contact in the future.

Over the summer, I reconnected with my dad after 16 years of mom-imposed estrangement. I'm very grateful to have him in my life and the lives of my hubby & kids. This is the ultimate betrayal in my mom's eyes. I can never be free and at peace as long as her shadow is looming over me.

I'm glad that you had a successful reconciliation with your father.  He sounds like the better parent to have in your life.

[Turkish]

Hi Sarah,

I was cringing reading this,  trying to imagine me in your place.  I think you handled it well. I imagined recording the conversation and playing it back to her.

I don't fault you at all for desiring to keep both yourself and your primary family (kids and husband) safe. Laying guilt on you after all of these years is cruel,  not to mention shifting responsibility onto you for her life's choices. 

She's your only mother,  I get that,  but you need space to heal and focus on you and your family.  It really is sad that you can't share the milestones of her grandchildren without being subject to emotional abuse.

[Sarah girl]

Thanks so much for your responses. I'm dreading the visit this coming Friday. She's so angry, it's the perfect climate for one of her episodes. This is the last time I tell her that I'll be in town.

Yes, Naughty Nibbler, it's wonderful to have my dad back in my life. After all the dizzying things my mom had told me about him over the years, I was truly shocked to discover what a loving and supportive parent and grandparent he is. We will be visiting him after the mom visit and I've told my mom we have to leave for another medical appointment. I resent having to sneak around like this and ask my kids to be secretive. My dad even offered to forfeit seeing us just to minimize conflict. 

Turkish, thanks for understanding. I am quite tired of being blamed for my mom's life choices and turmoil.

The support on this board is so very appreciated. I would never have contacted my dad without you guys.