Do we gain anything by fighting the BPD/ NPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am back in court next week for a custody hearing. My lawyer billed me for work she did to date, it's mind boggling. I have a pretty good court order now the best yet for that matter. Xw has been so horrible to deal with and that will never change. What will I gain? What will s10 gain? In a few years he will want to be with his bud's and girls not hanging with dad. Xw wife is a class A emotional abuser and manipulator but she did text me, instead of taking her back to court, put the money towards s10's education. Makes a lot of sence to me. We have a settlement confrience order in place now and it gives me great access, equal division of holidays. I've survived Xw wrath with little to no access, maybe I should of been happy with what I have now. Xw didn't deny me access with this new order but she did everything else. She will be a monster towards me forever. What is court going to accomplish? She's been warned several times all ready, she will find a way to worm into the new order. If I lived with nothing for years, maybe I should of taken what I have and ran with it. I guess on the other hand all she had to do was act human for the past 9 months and we would of went through the settlement confrience review with flying colours and we would be done of it now. Maybe this is a lesson in picking your battles. My T stresses how much s10 needs me.

[bus boy]

I am back in court next week for a custody hearing. My lawyer billed me for work she did to date, it's mind boggling. I have a pretty good court order now the best yet for that matter. Xw has been so horrible to deal with and that will never change. What will I gain? What will s10 gain? In a few years he will want to be with his bud's and girls not hanging with dad. Xw wife is a class A emotional abuser and manipulator but she did text me, instead of taking her back to court, put the money towards s10's education. Makes a lot of sence to me. We have a settlement confrience order in place now and it gives me great access, equal division of holidays. I've survived Xw wrath with little to no access, maybe I should of been happy with what I have now. Xw didn't deny me access with this new order but she did everything else. She will be a monster towards me forever. What is court going to accomplish? She's been warned several times all ready, she will find a way to worm into the new order. If I lived with nothing for years, maybe I should of taken what I have and ran with it. I guess on the other hand all she had to do was act human for the past 9 months and we would of went through the settlement confrience review with flying colours and we would be done of it now. Maybe this is a lesson in picking your battles. My T stresses how much s10 needs me.

[Nope]

There are a bunch of options for how the kids of a BPD parent will turn out, but here are two basic scenarios: In a few years do you want S10 to have the resilience and skills in place to go hang out with girls and friends. Or is it ok for S10 to grow older being an emotionally stunted kid who is afraid to leave his mother's side? BPDm will likely see his maturing and independence as an abandonment threat and will want to squash it. The time S10 spends with a parent that lets him grow and change and mature really helps combat the long term effects of what happens at BPDm's house.

For my DH's children there is now not one penny left to help them with college when they get older. But at least now they'll have the chance to grow into the healthy young adults who might want to go. And that certainly wasn't in the cards for them when she had them 85% of the time.

[ForeverDad]

So now you have a good or at least workable order.  Ex has been warned not to misbehave and she claims she wants to call a truce but you are sure that somehow she'll try to wrest some of your gains from you.

Well, while you do have to try to make it work, simultaneously you will probably need to reinforce your Boundaries.  Odds are that sooner rather than later she'll try to undermine the orders, maybe asking for exceptions, pleading for you to "be reasonable", etc.  Try to have any trades be written and equitable to you.  (In the early days of my separation & divorce I told myself to only allow trades when I got the traded time first or else my end of the trade would be sabotaged.)  Understand well, that she will claim "let's be reasonable" but every concession will be probably be perceived by her as weakness and an invitation to push your boundary more.  Have you pondered how to handle those situations so that the order doesn't get shot all full of holes?  Your solution will probably keep circling around to consistent Boundaries with any exceptions (life does happen after all) clearly defined as exceptions, not long term patterns.