I need tools, please

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi,  

so I'm back, after 1 year of supervised visitation between my NPD/BPD ex and my son, almost 3.

We saw the judge last week, who made it clear that sup. visitations are over, and that "everything had to be ok" from now on. Although I've asked for visits at my son's grandparents', I expect the worst. I just can't have my ex coming to knock on our door, and trying to control every aspect of our life again.

I want to do everything I can to avoid hell coming back again.

I have registered on to a "co-parenting website" (I selected one where communication is minimum, dont want to be bombarded with messages).

Any ideas for the exchange of my son? I thought of hiring a baby-sitter, to open the door to give and welcome my son back?

I'm open to any suggestions.

[Indyan]

Hi,  

so I'm back, after 1 year of supervised visitation between my NPD/BPD ex and my son, almost 3.

We saw the judge last week, who made it clear that sup. visitations are over, and that "everything had to be ok" from now on. Although I've asked for visits at my son's grandparents', I expect the worst. I just can't have my ex coming to knock on our door, and trying to control every aspect of our life again.

I want to do everything I can to avoid hell coming back again.

I have registered on to a "co-parenting website" (I selected one where communication is minimum, dont want to be bombarded with messages).

Any ideas for the exchange of my son? I thought of hiring a baby-sitter, to open the door to give and welcome my son back?

I'm open to any suggestions.

[Turkish]

Overall,  how did the supervised visitation go,  and who did the supervising?

It sounds like you're still negatively affected emotionally by this.  It's reasonable to not wanting him to come to your home.  You could arrange a neutral, public meeting place (a police station would be extreme,  though not unheard of; Macdonald's would be another option. I think I'm hearing that you don't want to see him at all,  however, yes?

[sad but wiser]

Dear Indyan,
  I know how tough it can be when the courts don't address the facts of your life as they really are.  Courts just aren't set up to deal with disordered individuals.  It really isn't a conspiracy.
   Since you cannot control what the courts have said, consider doing this for yourself... .get counseling to learn to draw and defend reasonable emotional boundaries.
   He really cannot come into your house unless you let him.  If he tries, tell him, "I don't feel comfortable having you in my house ever."  If he ignores your boundaries, call the police.  Let the police know he forced his way in and you don't feel safe.
   Set up to meet him somewhere other than your home for visitation exchanges.  Keep a journal of how things go.
   Keep a second cell phone with a number he does not have.  This becomes your "real phone" and he is the only one who calls or texts on the other phone.  That way, you are never ambushed and you can keep all the texts for the courts/police if he fills it with messages or calls. 
     Lastly, if you feel you are in physical danger, get somewhere safe at once.  Even if it is visitation day.  It is better to apologize and explain you felt unsafe than to become a tragedy.

[soundofmusicgirl]

Did the supervised visits happen over an agency?

Sometimes those agencies also offer to facilitate custody exchanges.

If you cannt do it with an agency, ask your local police station wether you can do your exchanges there (we have done it in the past) or chose a very public place like a mall or gas station for exchanges.

[Indyan]

Thanks for your replies ! I should have mentioned essential things in fact :
the visits took place at a "visitation center" with 2 psychologists for 9 months, and only for the past 2 months or so, was he allowed to take S3 away for a few hours.

The center did mention that communication between us is virtually IMPOSSIBLE.
(He's been pretending that he was persecuted -by me- and accusing me of everything possible in the world)

He will not try to enter the house for sure, more likely send his new (future) victim, who he implied to the judge, he's already pregnant. This last piece of info was a relief to me, as I picture he'll have other fish to fry destroying someone else's life but mine.

However, even having that horrible woman coming knocking at my house is already not acceptable, as he's already used her to come and harass me for months (she's his driver, he can't drive) before seeing the judge.

The problem is that if I find a nanny my son can go to (no baby sitters available in my town, especially for such few hours), I've no idea how to inform him of this - and anyway, he would refuse.
He may even ignore the info and claim I was away when he showed up... .

[sad but wiser]

He may lie and say you were gone even if you are there and the visit takes place.  Lies aren't really the problem.  His new "fish" is a victim in the making, as you well know, and has fallen for his very convincing lies... .just as you did.
Your son may well just be a means of controlling you, especially if he is narcissistic.  To him, you left him!  You are evil!  He is justified saying whatever he wants because it must be true.
If you give him the drama/attention he seeks, he will no doubt continue.  If you don't, he probably will accelerate.  (Like a very large toddler)

The real question is:  what do I need to see happen, and how could that be achieved?

[Indyan]

He may lie and say you were gone even if you are there and the visit takes place.  Lies aren't really the problem.  His new "fish" is a victim in the making, as you well know, and has fallen for his very convincing lies... .just as you did.
Your son may well just be a means of controlling you, especially if he is narcissistic.  To him, you left him!  You are evil!  He is justified saying whatever he wants because it must be true.
If you give him the drama/attention he seeks, he will no doubt continue.  If you don't, he probably will accelerate.  (Like a very large toddler)

The real question is:  what do I need to see happen, and how could that be achieved?

I fell for his convincing lies, except that I'd never joined in the destruction of a lone mum with a kid.
Anyway... .
I think I'll find a nanny, and then send him by registered post the meeting point and inform him of the "co-parenting website".
How does that sound?

[Indyan]

To him, you left him!  You are evil! 

My "unforgivable sin" was to unmask him, and push him toward the shrink's door went he was in a manic/NPD state.
He went from "happy daddy of newborn baby who wants to marry new mum" to "I hate you, I'm leaving, you're persecuting me (and all sorts of allegations)" within a few weeks only.
Hell does happen sometimes ... .
However, this is now 1,5-2 years ago, and I want to move on!