I wonder... thoughts?

[I_am_Stacey]

I wonder why I haven’t been painted black after the disgard. He always responded to my texts after refusing to talk to me on the phone or in person. And always friendly. Is it because I, when expressed he had doubts, set my boundaries and told him to go figure it out? After he only wanted to communicate through texts I told him I don’t like that and I called him twice, he didn’t pick up and then I left it there. Went NC until I came back to work in his department. The NC wasn’t thought of, like I did it because I had too much selfrespect and said to myself “He can’t treat you like that”. Looking back I’m actually pretty proud of that! I did set boundaries (even though it hurts like hell). Why do they paint people black and why don't they paint people black?

He deffinitely painted his exwife black, maybe that’s why I thought with me it was the same. So this was just a ‘push’ I quess. What's the difference? Thinking about it all is still so confusing.

Thinking back I also thought of when I slept over at his place, he would hold me so tight the whole night, even in his sleep. Does enyone recognize this?

And the not making eyecontact while talking, during seks… Always looking away or eyes closed. Deffinitely affraid of any connection…

Thoughts?

I’m having a difficult day today not checking up on him, but I’m hangin’in there!

XOXO 

[gotbushels]

Hi I_am_Stacey 

Well done with your statement to yourself of "he can't treat you like that". What are your thoughts if I ask you why?

Good job with not going about checking up on him. It becomes easier after some time. Have you thought about why you don't want to check up on him and why it's important to you?

I'm going to assume you mean devaluation of the partner when you mean painting black. One reason could be that the pwBPD wants (sometimes unconsciously) to get over the pain of a breakup. Sometimes it's easier to be angry at someone's perceived mistakes and slowly forget about the relationship, than to confront our own roles in a relationship situation. Sometimes the process of forgetting is replaced with a "replacement' partner. It's much easier to forget things when we are distracted too. 

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi gotbushels   

Well done with your statement to yourself of "he can't treat you like that". What are your thoughts if I ask you why?

I've been so confused and he refused to talk to me in person or on the phone. Just through texts. I thought that after everything we've been through and the 'connection' we had that it was so childish and disrespectfull that I told him I didn't want to talk through texts anymore. And I went NC. That was my boundary. Looking back at first I thought I didn't set any and that he 'left me' as he din't respond anymore. But then again, I didn't reach out to him either. I'm really starting to see things differently .

Good job with not going about checking up on him. It becomes easier after some time. Have you thought about why you don't want to check up on him and why it's important to you?

As I've to see him at work every day, the detachment is hard. I notices that checking up on him got me off balance everytime he posted something new. Not checking up on him is my NC as at work that's not always possible. so I want te keep the contact there and only workrelated. Which is a challenge sometimes as he's been popping up on my lunchbreak/ coffeebreak since a week or so.

Thank you for your thoughts!
XOXO

[Warcleods]

Failed workplace romance is tough and avoidable if one exercises logic versus acting on lust.  Let's face it, lust is what initially draws 2 people together.

I learned this very early on in life through experience.  I've experienced and to this day witness the drama it causes within the workplace and have opted to stay away from it.  Not only drama between the 2 partners but that energy (both positive and more so negative) causes disruption throughout the department and sometimes organization.   Hopefully this experience taught you something that you can build from.  The workplace is for work, nothing else.   Sure, there are a few exceptions where sometimes it can and does work, but I think it's a risk that's better left untouched.  A healthy relationship should encompass 2 people that have separate lives and can incorporate common interests, love, and healthy goals to move toward.  Personally, the idea of spending all day and then all night all of the time with one person would drive me nuts.  I need my space to develop my own sense of being and time away from your partner is healthy.

If you are finding that the transition from him is becoming tough and prolonged due to the fact you have to change your behavior while at work, you might want to consider removing yourself from the situation.  Triggering on a daily basis is not good for you.  Obviously, a responsible, calculated move is important but walking on eggshells and generally being uncomfortable at a place you spend most of your days is something you need to decide if you want to continue.

Good luck

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi Warcleods!

thank you for your thoughts

Hopefully this experience taught you something that you can build from.  The workplace is for work, nothing else.   Sure, there are a few exceptions where sometimes it can and does work, but I think it's a risk that's better left untouched.  A healthy relationship should encompass 2 people that have separate lives and can incorporate common interests, love, and healthy goals to move toward. 

you're so right. that was the first thing for me in this r/s overstepping my boundaries. when I met him I told him I didn't want any r/s with a coworker, because of the drama. I see that now as everything becomes more clearly. I just wanted love and feel loves. Now I know that that comes from within. I don't need him or anybody for that matter to make me feel like that. I'm really getting out of the FOG, funny how that works, how y9ou start to see things.

If you are finding that the transition from him is becoming tough and prolonged due to the fact you have to change your behavior while at work, you might want to consider removing yourself from the situation.  Triggering on a daily basis is not good for you.  Obviously, a responsible, calculated move is important but walking on eggshells and generally being uncomfortable at a place you spend most of your days is something you need to decide if you want to continue.

It's getting better day by day. It's just that's he's been popping up out of nowhere it seems the past week. I won't let him take me down. I'm stronger than this so I'll get through. I'm convinced of that. I see this a learning experience. I can handle what life throws at me and I will get stronger and survive.

XOXO 

[apollotech]

Hi Stacey,

Great job with taking control of your life and your destiny instead of handing off that responsibility to someone who is disordered! The distance that you've created will promote your healing while also allowing your head to process/reconcile what you've been through emotionally (The fog will clear.). It takes time, so hang in there.

You asked about the painting black scenario. Personally, I am not a big fan of the painted white or black distinction. I don't believe, because of the "need" characteristics associated with BPD, that a person with BPD will ever paint someone black indefinitely. Now, that's not to say that a pwBPD won't find a new SO and abandon someone, but the possibility, in my opinion, to rekindle a relationship is always present with a pwBPD. People's writings on these boards seem to support that. What you're experiencing now supports that:

I've been so confused and he refused to talk to me in person or on the phone. Just through texts. I thought that after everything we've been through and the 'connection' we had that it was so childish and disrespectfull that I told him I didn't want to talk through texts anymore. And I went NC.

Two possibities come to mind: (1) You've been marginalized---put on the back burner/saved for a rainy day. My thinking is that he has a new SO right now that's fulfilling his needs ("Needs" being the keyword here because that's what BPD entails. "Wants" are primarily inconsequential.). (2) Of course, his refusing to speak with you in person may also be him struggling with Engulfment issues (The two of you became too emotionally involved, from his disordered perspective, and he couldn't handle it, so he split. That's a very simplified explanation of Engulfment.).

But, at the end of the day, that's all academic. You are now making decisions/choices that will keep Stacy healthy and happy! You cannot change him, but you can certainly change yourself. Keep up the good work!

[gotbushels]

I've been so confused and he refused to talk to me in person or on the phone. Just through texts. I thought that after everything we've been through and the 'connection' we had that it was so childish and disrespectfull that I told him I didn't want to talk through texts anymore. And I went NC. That was my boundary. Looking back at first I thought I didn't set any and that he 'left me' as he din't respond anymore. But then again, I didn't reach out to him either. I'm really starting to see things differently .

I see. Right! Sometimes people aren't aware of boundaries until we enforce them. I admire that you have your boundaries around expecting a clear setting for some types of communication. Sometimes important discussions require a clear talk like on the phone or face-to-face.

I think it's mature and proactive of you to see your side, that you didn't reach out to him either.

I think mutual respect is important in any relationship and it's good that you're flexing your abilities here. It's easy to lose ourselves when we want or feel compelled to give to our partner. Unfortunately--for some of us--the respect somehow gets lost along the way with many acts of giving.

As I've to see him at work every day, the detachment is hard. I notices that checking up on him got me off balance everytime he posted something new. Not checking up on him is my NC as at work that's not always possible. so I want te keep the contact there and only workrelated. Which is a challenge sometimes as he's been popping up on my lunchbreak/ coffeebreak since a week or so.

Seeing such a partner everyday is difficult. I agree that it can make detachment hard. I think it's very good that you noticed that you feel off-balance when you see him post something new. The curiosity about what happens about this partner seems to have some draw to you.

It's a good idea to identify that you want to keep things work related. I do think this is going to be helpful for your detachment.

It's getting better day by day. It's just that's he's been popping up out of nowhere it seems the past week. I won't let him take me down. I'm stronger than this so I'll get through. I'm convinced of that. I see this a learning experience. I can handle what life throws at me and I will get stronger and survive.

Terrific and inspired. Thank you I_am_Stacey and  Warcleods for sharing this.

I hope you're finding more peace. 

[I_am_Stacey]

Great job with taking control of your life and your destiny instead of handing off that responsibility to someone who is disordered! The distance that you've created will promote your healing while also allowing your head to process/reconcile what you've been through emotionally (The fog will clear.). It takes time, so hang in there.

Thank you!   It takes time, and it is still hard at times but as I see how far I've come since the detachment started about 6 months ago, I'm in a very different place now and really proud of myself!

You asked about the painting black scenario. Personally, I am not a big fan of the painted white or black distinction. I don't believe, because of the "need" characteristics associated with BPD, that a person with BPD will ever paint someone black indefinitely. Now, that's not to say that a pwBPD won't find a new SO and abandon someone, but the possibility, in my opinion, to rekindle a relationship is always present with a pwBPD. People's writings on these boards seem to support that. What you're experiencing now supports that:

I've never looked at it that way. Thank you for your thoughts. You're right with the indefinitely painting black, i was kinda wondering why i wasn't in the first place. I think it depends on a lot of things.

Two possibities come to mind: (1) You've been marginalized---put on the back burner/saved for a rainy day. My thinking is that he has a new SO right now that's fulfilling his needs ("Needs" being the keyword here because that's what BPD entails. "Wants" are primarily inconsequential.). (2) Of course, his refusing to speak with you in person may also be him struggling with Engulfment issues (The two of you became too emotionally involved, from his disordered perspective, and he couldn't handle it, so he split. That's a very simplified explanation of Engulfment.).

Right now he is having a new SO. It's actually the second one since we split. At the time of our split he didn't have one, I'm almost sure, but he did very soon, about 6-8 weelks out. I definitely thinks it's  engulfment. the split came as soon as he got me in and really commited tot this r/s. He filed for divorce from his ex-wife like 2-3 weeks before our split. that probably triggered some things too, esp. with me telling him to go figure things out on his own but not with me waiting for him.

You are now making decisions/choices that will keep Stacy healthy and happy! You cannot change him, but you can certainly change yourself. Keep up the good work!

Thanks you!  

[I_am_Stacey]

Sometimes people aren't aware of boundaries until we enforce them. I admire that you have your boundaries around expecting a clear setting for some types of communication. Sometimes important discussions require a clear talk like on the phone or face-to-face.

I think it's mature and proactive of you to see your side, that you didn't reach out to him either.

Thank you!   It's really funny how I start to see things now and even that I did set boundaries. I really try to learn from this whole experience. I did bring some things to the table in this r/s too!

Seeing such a partner everyday is difficult. I agree that it can make detachment hard. I think it's very good that you noticed that you feel off-balance when you see him post something new. The curiosity about what happens about this partner seems to have some draw to you.

It sure does. I hope the time comes when it doesn't. It does get better now. I really showed me that it was not healthy and standing my detachment in the way. The stupid thing is that I know what an amazing guy he CAN be. And I also know how messed up he is. And that's where my head and heart aren't always in the same place. But we're getting there. I see it as a challenge seeing him every day: I can keep track on how I'm feeling and in which state of the detachment I'm in in a way. Have to make the best of the situation.   

Terrific and inspired. Thank you I_am_Stacey and  Warcleods for sharing this.

I hope you're finding more peace. 

Thank you! *blush*