My friend has just emailed me

[insideoutside]

It says, hi, I am better now.  How are you?  Then gives me his mobile number.

Heart is racing.  Help.  Want to respond but need your guidance; can't be hurt anymore.

[Warcleods]

That's a vague description of your situation.  I don't think any of our input would be valuable without knowing some history.

[insideoutside]

That's a vague description of your situation.  I don't think any of our input would be valuable without knowing some history.

Sorry; some of the seasoned members know my situation. 

Long story short was discarded nearly 3 months ago saying he didn't want anymore contact after loads of push/pull over the past year.  Said he didn't want or need my help and to let it go.  I reacted badly and said some mean stuff and didn't think I'd hear from him ever again.

[steelwork]

Izzy--my only advice would be to take the time you need to reflect on what kind of relationship you want and whether you feel he's capable of it in the long run. No hurry to respond.

So what would be the best outcome for you? What fears if any are you aware of?

[insideoutside]

Izzy--my only advice would be to take the time you need to reflect on what kind of relationship you want and whether you feel he's capable of it in the long run. No hurry to respond.

So what would be the best outcome for you? What fears if any are you aware of?

Just friendship steelwork; but without all the drama which I know is a massive ask and very unlikely.  If he could communicate better and tell me I'm doing his head in rather than cut me off I would respect it and give him the space he needs.

I'm just shocked he's reached out first.  That's only happened once before.

[patientandclear]

Your first expectation is unrealistic (that he will not act like himself). You like him ... .Well, those reactions are part of him. Expecting him to be him without those aspects is a recipe for hurt.

My ex once asked me what I wanted from him. I told him what worked for me was for him to sustain what he starts with me. That is a true statement of what I want. However, it's likely not possible for him to "sustain" without glitches--not with his current skill set anyway.

In the other hand, your request that he tell you you're making him uncomfortable rather than cutting you off is concrete and honors that he has reactions and feelings, just asking him to handle those in a way that doesn't make it super hard for you. I will say my ex has, in non-dysregulated times, made such agreements with me. However it's all out the window when he actually feels bad.

So you can ask--but he may not be able to do it.

[insideoutside]

Thanks P&C totally understand what you say about my expectations not being likely.  I may try asking him at some point down the road if communication goes ok; I'm aware it only lasted 10 days last time so not 100% confident it won't hit the skids again.

I text him a simple 'hi; I'm glad to hear you are now better'.  He texted back saying that he was now  single and living alone and I am welcome to text or call him when I want.  So I'm aware this reaching out may be because he is feeling lonely.

[Pretty Woman]

Personal opinion... .

If that is exactly how his text read I would be concerned. He quickly sums up: I'm better now
and then asks how you are.

It looks like people are sick of his crap and he has no one to turn to.

I say this because I am going through this with a friend now.  6mo ago I had to reschedule taking her out for her birthday because I got sent on a business trip. I asked if we could reschedule for later in the week and she said "I need to check my schedule". I emailed her back, no reply. Called. No reply. Waited a few weeks and tried again. Nothing. My last message was: You know, this is pretty ty. I have known you 25yrs and you have cancelled plans on me a lot. I cancel once due to work and you are not speaking to me? That's screwed up.

So last week, 6mo later she texts me "Hi, sorry I haven't reached out in awhile. How are you doing?"

No sorry or mention of ignoring me for six months. Why? Because she isn't going to accept responsibility for being an ahole.

After dating a BPD my tolerance for games is non existent. This person wrote me off and then is returning like nothing happened. Why? Because she is lonely.
But for six months I was lonely too, and emotionally cut off from someone I have known a huge chunk of my life. My own mother is her godmother.

I did not respond. Now, 2wks later I got a "Happy Birthday" text. I wasn't going to respond but it is not in me to be rude. I do not want to re-establish a friendship with her, I have seen how she treats friends and that is not in alignment with how I treat others.

But I am polite and will continue to live to those values. I responded: Thank you for the birthday wishes. I hope you are doing well.
and left it at that.

I know you miss the good times you had with your friend. I can't tell you what to do, all I can say is that text doesn't sound sincere. BPD relationships tend to be very one sided with the BPD only interested when you can provide them with something THEY need.

Please be cautious and remember how you felt all these months. We all say stuff we don't mean sometimes however ACTIONS always speak louder than words.

Good luck to you!
 
PW

[Lucky Jim]

Hey izzybusy, Suggest you tread carefully here.  Those w/BPD are prone to getting back in touch due to their fear of abandonment.  It doesn't necessarily mean that anything has changed.  Suggest you manage your expectations and try to remain realistic.  What makes you think, if you recycled, that the outcome would be different?

LuckyJim

[insideoutside]

Hey izzybusy, Suggest you tread carefully here.  Those w/BPD are prone to getting back in touch due to their fear of abandonment.  It doesn't necessarily mean that anything has changed.  Suggest you manage your expectations and try to remain realistic.  What makes you think, if you recycled, that the outcome would be different?

LuckyJim

Thanks LuckyJim

I don't honestly think anything will have changed; I'm not sure what my expectations are but just hope maybe I can manage the push/pull better and be more meh if and when it happens again.

It's madness as we are only friends and friends shouldn't be this complicated or stressful.  But then it's mental illness at play isn't it.

[rfriesen]

Hi Izzy,
I've followed your story for a few months now and I really hear the anxiety and stress this relationship has caused you. My heart goes out to you.

Just friendship steelwork; but without all the drama which I know is a massive ask and very unlikely.  If he could communicate better and tell me I'm doing his head in rather than cut me off I would respect it and give him the space he needs.

I'd just like to point out that this isn't a big ask. It's a question of basic respect. Yes, it might be hard for him because he likely has a turbulent inner emotional world. But I doubt you do him or yourself any favours by signalling that you don't expect simple respect and decency from him. It sounds to me like you have tried walking on eggshells around him and that he has shown little regard for you when he simply cuts communication. Do you really think walking even more gingerly on the proverbial eggshells will be the solution?

I'm not sure what my expectations are but just hope maybe I can manage the push/pull better and be more meh if and when it happens again.

What if you tried telling him openly, calmly, but firmly that you care for him and for his friendship, but would like to see some recognition on his part of the pain he causes when he simply disappears and, more important, some effort to work on that?

It's madness as we are only friends and friends shouldn't be this complicated or stressful.  But then it's mental illness at play isn't it.

In my humble opinion, healthy compassion means understanding why he might act the way he does and accepting that he might not be able to change. But it does not mean making excuses for him and letting yourself be treated with disrespect or little to no regard. If you asking to be treated with respect is a deal-breaker for him, why isn't that a deal-breaker for you?

I hope these questions aren't too blunt. I remember the pain you expressed after the last time he shut you out and it sounds like you still blame yourself and are vowing to take on even more blame and walking on eggshells this time around. Take the time to think it through, as others have said, so that you don't set yourself up for a possibly more painful discard.

[Herodias]

Looks like he is looking for a recycle. Take it from someone who had been recycled with romantic relationships and with friends... .it never turns our well. If things were a problem in the past, something will come up again. I would ignore it and take it as an ego boost that you are still thought about. No contact is no contact for a reason. I have learned the hard way. Thinking you can somehow "talk" to them differently is still walking on eggshells.

[insideoutside]

Hi all

I don't plan on walking around on eggshells again or lose my cool either.  If he cannot accept that I am his friend without all the drama then I will leave him to have the drama on his own.  I'm not going to be pulled in to it and will remain neutral.

There was  only 3 emails back and forth; very short.  I said that I was sorry to hear he was single, I was in a rough place at the moment due a problem at home and that I would catch up with him sometime soon.  He replied back that he was sorry to hear about my problem etc and I thanked him.  Nothing since.  I' m not going to stress if I don't hear from him; I'm certainly not chasing him.  I know my worth and I don't need him to validate that for me.