Hi all! It's great to know that I'm not alone in my struggle. Here is a little bit about my situation. I've been lurking on some boards, and I think many people will relate.
I met the love of my life over 10 years ago at work. We tried once to get together, but she backslid into a relationship. We tried again, and I did the same. She moved away, but I was never able to let go. We communicated intermittently that whole time, both holding out hope that we would have another chance at it. Turns out, we did. She moved back and ended up getting a job with me. How lucky! She then left her boyfriend to be with me.
It was wonderful. It was euphoric. It was unbelievable. For about three months.
The cracks started to show. One day, she acted cold and distant after we had spent every night together for over a month. I confronted her about it, because I was worried. She acted like nothing was wrong. By this time, we had planned on her moving in with me, since her lease was up and, after all, we were meant for each other.
I figured this was just the stress of all the upheaval, so we pressed forward thinking it would get easier. More often she would get unreasonably upset and leave a social setting, or get angry at me for physical problems I was having that meant we couldn't have sex, or get jealous of my phone and my friends.
She moved in despite the couple of fights we had. The problems persisted, and along with the stress of her obnoxious cat, I finally snapped. One night she basically berated me for several hours, left, and then returned to do it some more. I broke down and cried, not understanding how someone who loves me could be so cruel. The next day, I was still upset and hurt, so I left for awhile and even said to myself, "I could just keep on driving and never return." When I came home, clear-headed and open-minded, she asked how I felt. I didn't give an answer she liked, she rolled her eyes and dramatic fashion, and I lost it. The resulting fight ended up with her moving out (her idea, though she'd never admit that).
After a week or so, things calmed down and we missed each other desperately. She has a power over me that makes her hard to resist. A week or so brought on another fight when she put me in a no-win, me-or-your-friends situation. I decided to step back and not engage. Wrong answer. She then broke up with me via text, insisting that she was cutting me out of her life, etc.
I've tried to be cool about this and move on, but after gaslighting me and sending me links on MY supposed disorder, she sent me an inside joke that brought back so many of those positive feelings. And now she's ignoring me. Sometime in there she was supposed to go to the doctor (we were not using protection because hey, this is IT for us), and I checked to see if she was ok, but all my attempts to reach out have been ignored. It's been a black hole for two days or so.
I've never felt like I could marry anyone else I've ever been with. Never felt like I could start a family and build a life together. I'm scared of the possibility of bringing another life into this tumultuous relationship, scared of trying to work out custody/visitation with her, scared of her doing something self-destructive or something that will hurt me deeply, and scared of losing the only person I've felt like I could grow old with.
Thanks for reading. Any advice/feedback is most welcome.
