Help BPD mom is trying to steal my new friend.

[Area57]

I don't make friends that easily.  Well, not close ones.  I can put on my friendly mask and get along well with everyone, but it is hard to get close.

So mom BPD mom that lives in my town has started having foreign exchange students.  At first I was shy from meeting them, but then this summer I did at her request and really enjoyed meeting people from different cultures.

Starting with one from france this summer.  Here for 6 weeks.  Female, age 22.  We got close quick and my mom immediately started getting weird and jealous.  At first the poor girl thought she had done something wrong, because she thought my mom was so nice, but at the end, she realized she was innocent and my mom had problems.  It was very embarrassing, and we ended up mutually avoiding each other because we wanted her to be able to leave peacefully.

it was a very sad goodbye talk we had because we both had made so many plays to do together, but it would not have worked.  she wrote me after she left and said she missed me and wished we could have done all the things we wanted to do.  I was sad too.

Fast forward to now, my mom has 2 new ones, here for the whole school year.  one male one female.  Me and the female have been doing stuff together 3-5 days a week and my mom just realized we are friends and is trying to put a stop to it.

But this time I can't let her.  I like this person and we have fun together, and without me, she will spend the whole year sitting behind her closed bedroom door avoiding my mom.

Because both of them now hide downstairs all the time.  I want to help the guy too.  See, my mom started becoming bitter during this election season and talks about politics to them all the time.  Now it is offensive and constant and they said it happens when I am not there too and I got them to admit they are very uncomfortable and hide in their rooms.  So even though it is not my problem I want to fix that too.

I tried to tell BPD mom that is why they hide downstairs and she said no, she didn't believe it.

And like I said , she is getting jealous and trying to prevent this girl from hanging out with me.  It is a very long story of course.  to describe all the intricacies of the BPD mom and how she is behaving.  But basically one day she said "girl is using you as a taxi'  I said no, we were friends, and she had a lightbulb come on and ah haha, i am going to stop this.

like last night, the girl needed a ride down to get a quick sport physical.  I passed my mom in her car and she rolled down the window and asked where are you two going.  I said a physical.  She said, "girl doesn't need to be going anywhere at 6:30 at night"

i'm like "what!"  so after sitting in her room all day, this young adult needs my mom telling her she can't go somewhere at 6;30.  It's all these little things like that with my mom trying to keep us apart, and she even the other day said I could only see her 2 days a week, and I said why, and she didn't have a reason, so I said "what, so she can sit downstairs because you are jealous?"  and she got pissed, because she refuses to admit she has BPD... .

phew... .pant, pant... .see I could go on and on.  What do I do?  The on.y ammo I have is that me and mom have not gotten along in long time and she is trying hard to get along so I can use some leverage from that.  And my mom likes me to come over and talk to her, and if I get the girl when I drop her off I stay and talk to mom.

Help!

[Area57]

Wow!  I didn't realize I had written a book!  Here is the too long didn't read.

TL:)R
My mom got a foreign exchange student. She encouraged me to show here around and do hikes and stuff. We started doing stuff 3-5 days a week. BPD mom realizes we are close in a platonic friendship and gets jealous. She tries to tell the adult girl that she has to be home early and often won't let me take her anywhere at all. Mom doesn't have any good reasons either.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi there,

I can understand why it may be easy and enjoyable to make friends with an exchange student.  I really especially enjoy exploring other cultures and enjoy learning about and meeting new/different people.

I guess I am understanding if this is happening naturally.  Then I would say, take a look around regarding boundaries and such... . Where can you work on that?

I guess tho what I am wondering is why do you seem to be making friends with your mom's exchange students specifically?  It seems to serve to tie you to her as a natural consequence.  I am curious what this serves for you.

Are these high school students? College students?
And your age?
Sorry for questions... .just in this situation, maybe is relevant.

Would life be easier to as a rule, just seek elsewhere for making friends?  Maybe volunteer for some exchange tutoring or such rather than get attached to ones your mom brings in?  Keep moms friends more at arms length?

Idk
Maybe I am not really following what exactly is happening.
I just would rather not have things for myself complicated.
I rather prefer to keep people my mom is associated with at arms length, but that is me, seems unavoidable that she would feel she owned you or them or both in some way, and well, cannot change her, so then what?

... .

Humm, I guess in review... .
I can see how participating in engaging with your moms exchange students in a way, could easily have you slip onto the "rescuer" position of the drama triangle and could enable drama.

What do you think about how this may or may not relate to drama triangle?

... .

Also, not really your role to help break or make curfew for another person.

I see boundaries getting blurred here too easily.
Seems the student could get used as a pawn between yourself and your mom, not cool.

[Notwendy]

I agree that stepping in to rescue the exchange students would be stepping onto the drama triangle with your mother. You can read more about this triangle on the board.

People host exchange students for different reasons, but one of them is to host students a similar age as their own children as a cultural experience. They each get to have a friend from a different culture. But this isn't your mother's intent as she would not be upset about your friendships with them if it was.

If your mother is living alone - she may be lonely. Having a student live with her is company. She may be wanting them to be her friends. In this case, when she sees you becoming friends with them, she may think you are stealing her friends, not the other way around.

The arrangement is really between her and them, not you. It is unfortunate that she has BPD, but I think that if a student is placed in a home where things are not working out, they can contact the agency to find another place for them. Their agency is paid to help them with issues with their host families, I believe.

It is also possible that your mother is treating them better than she treats her family members. BPD affects the most intimate of relationships and so it would seem less emotionally difficult to host an exchange student.

I think to move forward, it helps to look at your reasons for being involved. If you are shy, is the student an opportunity to meet your friendship needs? It may feel good to step in as rescuer and hero to them, and be liked for that, but it plays into dysfunction with your mother.  If making friends is what you want- then consider joining a group of some sorts in your community, taking a class at a local college for interest, or some way to meet other people.

It is possible that you can feel displaced. At some point my mother befriended a woman my age and acts motherly to her and grandmotherly to her kids. I wondered what this woman sought as a friend in my mother, but my mother can be wonderful to other people easier than to her own family. Although I don't want to be in this woman's position, I did feel a bit displaced by another "daughter" figure, but if my mother needs to feel needed, then this works for her.

[Newrites]

I empathize with your situation. I'm middle-aged now, but throughout my childhood, my BPD mother sabotaged my friendships and stole my friends. I was shy and became very alienated.

If I could go back and do it again, I would have learned everything I could about setting boundaries with a BPD parent. I would have learned to protect my friendships and I would have believed my own reality... .and would have expected craziness to come from my mother, rather than thinking I was the crazy one.

Good luck! Making friends from other countries is a wonderful experience.