ugh, im back...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well, I am back. I am back on these boards. It has been awhile, 5% of my situation is better than the last time I was here, and it seems like 95% is worse.

Super brief history, its been almost 3 years now I have been married to my uBPDw, our son is now 2yrs old. Not sure where to begin, just going to rattle a few things off that are completely draining and pissing me off.

I need to be absolutely perfect. "I" am the one who has screwed up this entire relationship. I only knew my wife for 9 months prior to getting engaged, and in that time, I did make mistakes that ruined trust initially. I never stuck up for her (or myself for that matter) when it came to her family and my family attacking her. At this time, and going forward, we have 0 communications with either side. I am the sole provider for our family, she is our homemaker. There were times at work where I was, lets say "overfriendly", which constitutes as cheating. Even going to lunch with a group of coworkers is offlimits if one of them is female. So it has been a story of the past 3.5 years where I have been giving no effort in changing myself. I know I am 50 times a better man today than I used to be. I know that I can do all of the things that she "needs" in a man. My issue comes when I miss 1 little thing, she just loses her cool, ALWAYS. She always has excuses, saying I have the right to feel the way I feel (correct statement), I have the right to hit things and hit you (sometimes she says this, sometimes she says I dont have that right but I am justified). I have gotten her to the point where she is talking to a therapist (minor victory, or so I thought). She discusses with her therapist, I see little improvement, if not just more backtracking. Because I do not show her emotional support, she threatens (and acts on) talking to what she rubs in to me as "side guys", people who have "always been there for her in the past and she knew them before me". This pisses me off, but I am put into such a situation where I can not really do anything about it. I go into her phone, delete the number, block the number, change the contact name to something else so its hard to find, etc. She loves when I do that and get angry about it, but then she just goes back to doing it if I leave work at 5:03pm instead of 5:00pm and dont tell her. I did not communicate. If she is talking to me for 45min at work about how she is feeling, and I am being emotionally supportive and taking that time away from my busy work schedule, then an important work call comes through and I say, babe let me call you back in a minute, I got to take this call, suddenly I am not being supportive and she starts putting holes in the wall out of rage (I can hear it on the phone). These situations seem basic and what I consider "normal life", but to her it is the end of the world. Last week she has recognized me to be changing romantically to her, and she loves it. But then she says can you ask if the restaurant is open on Thanksgiving when I order her food for the night, and I forgot, all the sudden she goes back into this fit of rage about how I am not hearing her... .when in reality I have memory issues, and I am flustered because she is unstable. I know my communication needs work, but I am at ground zero man. I have read all the articles on this site, exercised all the tools, and continue to try to. She then goes to the T and says he sucks and he isnt doing anything, the T says I dont blame you you need to go to a shelter with our S. You need a divorce and have full custody, he can go to jail for all of the emotional abuse he has put you through. WTF?

Part of me wants her to go through a divorce. I would never say it because I have lost my cool at times and said things like that which have only brought her trust in me even lower. I just am bottled up all to myself. I "cant" have friends. An old coworker texted me 2 weeks after he left and said "hey b___ whats going on". I said "Not much, been meaning to call you lately to tell you that your a jerk". That was the intro to our brief conversation which quickly turned to work related topics. I am friendly and professional with coworkers, I work in construction management. That text on my phone was such an insignificant thing, but suddenly I am turning back into this disrespectful person who "hangs out" with bad negative people who she doesnt want our son around and if I do that with a guy then I go back to being overly friendly with females at work and all of this. WHY does everything have to be more than what it seems? AHH. Why do I get pushed and threatened and have to watch my apartment get trashed over something like this. I cant leave the place for an hour because its abandonment (tried before and it dug me a deeper hole). I cant yell and say stop it, because then I am defaulting again and scaring her. I cant friggin do anything. She goes to punch me and I block it. Her arm hits my arm (because I blocked it), and she gets a bruise... now suddenly I am being physically abusive to her. again, WTF! I called the cops once, BIG Mistake!, now she says what are you going to do about it, its your fault! I need help man. I need something.

Oh ya, I cant go to a therapist because the things i need to work on are simple and I can do it myself, according to her. This is true, they are simple, but YOUR NOT (I wanna say). I cant secretly go to one either, my life is very regimented with hers and I go to work, come home on a strict time schedule and there is no way I can squeeze 1 hr into any day without her knowing. I would then be at strip clubs or cheating or whatever.

[walbsy7]

Well, I am back. I am back on these boards. It has been awhile, 5% of my situation is better than the last time I was here, and it seems like 95% is worse.

Super brief history, its been almost 3 years now I have been married to my uBPDw, our son is now 2yrs old. Not sure where to begin, just going to rattle a few things off that are completely draining and pissing me off.

I need to be absolutely perfect. "I" am the one who has screwed up this entire relationship. I only knew my wife for 9 months prior to getting engaged, and in that time, I did make mistakes that ruined trust initially. I never stuck up for her (or myself for that matter) when it came to her family and my family attacking her. At this time, and going forward, we have 0 communications with either side. I am the sole provider for our family, she is our homemaker. There were times at work where I was, lets say "overfriendly", which constitutes as cheating. Even going to lunch with a group of coworkers is offlimits if one of them is female. So it has been a story of the past 3.5 years where I have been giving no effort in changing myself. I know I am 50 times a better man today than I used to be. I know that I can do all of the things that she "needs" in a man. My issue comes when I miss 1 little thing, she just loses her cool, ALWAYS. She always has excuses, saying I have the right to feel the way I feel (correct statement), I have the right to hit things and hit you (sometimes she says this, sometimes she says I dont have that right but I am justified). I have gotten her to the point where she is talking to a therapist (minor victory, or so I thought). She discusses with her therapist, I see little improvement, if not just more backtracking. Because I do not show her emotional support, she threatens (and acts on) talking to what she rubs in to me as "side guys", people who have "always been there for her in the past and she knew them before me". This pisses me off, but I am put into such a situation where I can not really do anything about it. I go into her phone, delete the number, block the number, change the contact name to something else so its hard to find, etc. She loves when I do that and get angry about it, but then she just goes back to doing it if I leave work at 5:03pm instead of 5:00pm and dont tell her. I did not communicate. If she is talking to me for 45min at work about how she is feeling, and I am being emotionally supportive and taking that time away from my busy work schedule, then an important work call comes through and I say, babe let me call you back in a minute, I got to take this call, suddenly I am not being supportive and she starts putting holes in the wall out of rage (I can hear it on the phone). These situations seem basic and what I consider "normal life", but to her it is the end of the world. Last week she has recognized me to be changing romantically to her, and she loves it. But then she says can you ask if the restaurant is open on Thanksgiving when I order her food for the night, and I forgot, all the sudden she goes back into this fit of rage about how I am not hearing her... .when in reality I have memory issues, and I am flustered because she is unstable. I know my communication needs work, but I am at ground zero man. I have read all the articles on this site, exercised all the tools, and continue to try to. She then goes to the T and says he sucks and he isnt doing anything, the T says I dont blame you you need to go to a shelter with our S. You need a divorce and have full custody, he can go to jail for all of the emotional abuse he has put you through. WTF?

Part of me wants her to go through a divorce. I would never say it because I have lost my cool at times and said things like that which have only brought her trust in me even lower. I just am bottled up all to myself. I "cant" have friends. An old coworker texted me 2 weeks after he left and said "hey b___ whats going on". I said "Not much, been meaning to call you lately to tell you that your a jerk". That was the intro to our brief conversation which quickly turned to work related topics. I am friendly and professional with coworkers, I work in construction management. That text on my phone was such an insignificant thing, but suddenly I am turning back into this disrespectful person who "hangs out" with bad negative people who she doesnt want our son around and if I do that with a guy then I go back to being overly friendly with females at work and all of this. WHY does everything have to be more than what it seems? AHH. Why do I get pushed and threatened and have to watch my apartment get trashed over something like this. I cant leave the place for an hour because its abandonment (tried before and it dug me a deeper hole). I cant yell and say stop it, because then I am defaulting again and scaring her. I cant friggin do anything. She goes to punch me and I block it. Her arm hits my arm (because I blocked it), and she gets a bruise... now suddenly I am being physically abusive to her. again, WTF! I called the cops once, BIG Mistake!, now she says what are you going to do about it, its your fault! I need help man. I need something.

Oh ya, I cant go to a therapist because the things i need to work on are simple and I can do it myself, according to her. This is true, they are simple, but YOUR NOT (I wanna say). I cant secretly go to one either, my life is very regimented with hers and I go to work, come home on a strict time schedule and there is no way I can squeeze 1 hr into any day without her knowing. I would then be at strip clubs or cheating or whatever.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey walbsy7, Welcome back and sorry to hear about your situation.  Last time, where did you leave off?  What were your thoughts/impressions about being in a r/s with a pwBPD?  Presumably things have not gone as anticipated.  How did you think things would play out?  Sorry to ask a lot of questions, but it might help us to understand how you ended up back here again.

LuckyJim

[walbsy7]

Hey walbsy7, Welcome back and sorry to hear about your situation.  Last time, where did you leave off?  What were your thoughts/impressions about being in a r/s with a pwBPD?  Presumably things have not gone as anticipated.  How did you think things would play out?  Sorry to ask a lot of questions, but it might help us to understand how you ended up back here again.

LuckyJim

I probably disappeared into the abyss last time. It is hard to outlet to the forums at times, and there was probably a brief period where things got better. My thoughts about being in a r/s with a pwBPD... .it is very very difficult. I am always the one at blame, and it wears you down. Suddenly now I am the one with a presumed disorder. I am a narcissist because I do not show emotions, and I am not affected by how much I have hurt her. I dont readily show emotions, and deflect as much as possible, and the result is me not caring, her not feeling heard. I know this is a never ending circle, I know that no matter what I do, there will always be something that I am doing wrong. I am sticking around for something, I love her and she is an amazing person... .just not to me it seems.  I do not talk about any of this stuff to her, because it is suddenly me making it all about me. She does not have that ability to hold conversations in that manner. The aura of our conversations are she starts something, argues something, and I try to SET as much as possible and validate her concerns as much as possible, try to be as professional and thorough as possible. Of course then she yells at me for being sarcastic when I am trying to emphasize that I do indeed understand and feel her pain.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again walbsy, Well, one initial goal might be for you to get out of Lose/Lose propositions in terms of interactions w/your W.  How to go about it?  That's your task, though there are suggestions on this site to help you.  For example, you could practice Disengagement, in which you decline to participate in blamefests.  You could also employ Boundaries, whereby you establish limits on what is acceptable to you.  You could also avoid JADEing.  You get the idea.  Maybe some combination will prove effective for you.

LuckyJim

[teapay]

Walsby,

It sounds like youve got yourself twisted in a pretzel in this r/s.  You say it got better for awhile and if I remember you were starting to enforce boundaries and were braving the blowback. What is getting yout from enforcing boundaries?  Why are you staying in the r/s?

[teapay]

Also, if your resigned to staying at all costs, you will be limiting your ability to make your life better.  Not that you can't, but it may limit the scope of what can be done.