BFwBPD baits drama, is physically/emotionally abusive and only getting worse

[cbm419]

I have read this site a ton and know there are a lot of answers on the boards- i read them a lot!

I'm positing because its just one of those days I'm at my wit's end. and i need a vent.

me and bf are doing a long distance thing right now and only see eachother on the weekends.

Travelling isnt cheap for me, but I'm willing to do it because i love the boy so much!

anyhow.  two weeks ago we got into a fight because he was obsessing over cleaning his bong, he wanted to get stoned before a movie, etc etc.  He decided to do this 15 mins before the showtime, and the theater was a 10 minute walk.  I made the mistake of pushing him to hurry up (i had just dropped 50 bucks here folks) and he just shut down on me.  long story short, it becomes a flame out fight, no movie, no happiness the rest of the night.

our average fight involves him raging over something incredibly small like the above, and continuing to rage in the face of apology or until i just give up and concede to his point of view.  Doesnt end there.  it then becomes circular accusations that i "just dont get it" "never will understand."  Stage three is "I'll accept your apology if you tell me exactly what you did wrong and how sorry you are for each and every way youve ever wronged since the beginning of time." (and no matter what i say its never enough or not specific enough).  It all concludes with him becoming emotionally catatonic, restreating to his phone and eventually falling asleep.  9 times out of ten the fight resumes the next morning in the form of a long, torturous recap of all the above.  we've literally done the recap for a full 24 hours after a fight.

also he tends to get physical during the episodes of rage. 

He also seems to enjoy mind games to set up new fights where they need not be.  He's a student, and has fallen back this semester.  He claims he cant get anything done without me in his life all the time like i used to be.  Now, I moved because i was becoming an alcoholic, so i went to treatment and moved out of our big city, a relapse trap (still sober and loving it!) Tonight, he told me he slept thru an exam. the professor had already given him this second chance to make it up since he skipped it the first time (hes really doing awful in school right now).  Now the prof has said she will fail him.  This is his second time skipping.  but, to him, its literally "the universes fault."

Im suppsoed to visit BF this weekend. he calls crying and upset about what happened.  I encourage him to explore all other options to see if he could work something out- answer to that is there are none.  when that stopped working I said "listen, its just one class, its not the end of the world.  I failed a couple in my day and it didnt ruin my career or anything."  He eventually tells me I probably shouldnt come this weekend because he's going to be volatile and its just gonna be fighting.  Tbh, there is a decent chance of that being exactly what will happen.  if anything is minutely wrong the eggshells become land mines.  If something big and bad is happening- holy crap.  run for the hills.

I knew he was saying "dont come" to bait me but i took it and ran, i must admit.  However, the travel accomodations cost me 400 bucks and i only had until midnight tonight to cancel them. bear in mind he is no longer crying but yelling and giving me the "you dont get me, you never will" act combined with "that professor is such a royal SOB" and blaming it all on the prof, and, indirectly me, for having to seek help in september.

when i mentioned i would really need him to tell me- directly, if he truly meant i shouldnt come, he jumped on it saying "you dont want to come anyway."  I get upset because i feel like im being toyed with, cut off the conversation and he starts texting me immediately to F off and the such.  it ends with him saying "and YOU decided not to come when you KNOW how much better you could make me feel." ugh. 

he does this stuff all the time- he even admitted it was some kind of twisted "test" when i called him out on it.  but to me, 400 dollars is too expensive to play head games with.  And with three years dating, I'd expect that we are done with games completely.

So were not talking, hes off getting drunk and has claimed he "wont work at all this semster because that exam bieng missed will mean i lose my scholarship and why shouldnt I just give up now"

I obviously remind him he can find a way to make things right with his education, but he has to start from that place emotionally, instead of shutting down.

i HATE this stuff.  i really truly do. I love him but I'm constantly being baited and punished and having all sorts of things blamed on me... .like how he cheated on me when i was in rehab,  explanation "i wouldnt have done it if you called me more often", or "if you didnt abandon me none of that stuff would happen."

I'm starting get so fed up.  I doubt i'll cancel my plans because god knows, tomorrow it could be like nothing happened.  or it could be worse.  Its impossible to predict.  400 bucks and a lot of sanity hangs in the balance. I know for a fact he will, at some point in the near or distant future, bring up that i said I wasnt going to come this weekend, and its the reason why XYZ fight is happening. Yep, he even recycles the bait. 

Ironically, when were in one of these fights he says "its like you feed off this stuff, you feed off of my misery." yea... .right... .. YOU DO.

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[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello 

That's a lot of conflict, made harder by the long distance.

The physical abuse must be scary for you. What happens when it flares up?

Does he have tender cycles?

[cbm419]

Welcome and hello 

The physical abuse must be scary for you. What happens when it flares up?

Does he have tender cycles?

Before he gets physical, his entire face will light up with what could only be described as psychotic rage.  Beady, dilated pupils, scrunched up face, quivering lips.  he'll usually say something to the effect of "i cant believe XYZ" and then slap me in the face. When i say he cant hit me, he will say 'if your going to say something like xyz, you deserve to be hit." "You dont understand my pain and you deserve to feel even a small dose of it."

he becomes like an animal- once i grabbed his wrists so he couldnt swing at me, and he bit my arm.  Hard enough to bleed and bruise.

he does have tender cycles, where he is extremely loving, affectionate.  we have amazing sex (not surprised, BPDs are great at it as many have said before me), but also share very intimate non sexual contact- lots of snuggling, hugging, etc.  In these times I can do no wrong and am the greatest thing that ever happened to him.  As I've already written, the flip side of this is that i'm literally satan incarnate and "feed off of his suffering."

The fight last night rekindled around 230-3am.  I tried setting a firm boundary- saying i would NOT accept responsibility for his situation and he needs to worry about cleaning up his own side of the street.  He continued to blame his predicament on my time absent in rehab.  When I persisted that his reasoning wasnt sound, he began to fall to pieces.  I was definetly giving some tough love, but nothing abusive or over the top.  just actively insisting that he is the only one who can fix this and he needs to "get over" his emotions about it, because its holding him back, and focus on simply doing his work and getting it off his plate.

he began screaming and wailing, on the streets on manhattan, alternating between complete, desperate sadness and outright blaming me and cursing my name.  He literally, and i kid you not, said "I hate you, dont leave me" when i pushed back explaining how these episodes are making our relationship more and more toxic every time they happen.

the conversation ended with him in tears still, sobbing and insisting (begging, really) that only i could fix it.  that i should get on the next train and fix everything.  that i could somehow reason with his professors to cut him slack.  I said no, of course, but acknowledged how severely he was hurting to say things like that.  I told him we both need sleep (the chat went until 7am) and he couldnt piece any of himself back together without some good rest.  he finally agreed and the conversation ended.

today, he met with the professor in question, who said the test he missed is only worth 20% of his grade. there is apparently another midterm before the final (strange, but okay). he is well on his way back to normal but still upset.  I'm just trying to provide hope and positive support... .not really acknowledging when he shifts the blame back to me, I dont take it personally or reject it, because it would reignite the whole issue.

All in all it is another ride on this 3 year roller coaster. ruined my sleep and screwed this entire day for me.  the first year and a half was bliss, but looking back it was probably a dangerously overdone idealization phase that set us up for a steeper fall when the honeymoon was over.

I love him but cant stand the fights.  the physical abuse.  the head games.

[cbm419]

saw bfwBPD this weekend.  lots of drama again.  he gets so stuck on anger over the smallest things, and just cant let it go. on sunday, we woke up next to eachother and he started playing music.  he played a song I've never loved and I did the unthinkable- opened my mouth and said something. "you know, i never really liked this song, its kind of boring."  HUGE mistake.  turned out the song reminds him of us and he "used the song to get through a lot of tough times in our relationship" (weve had some on/off action this past year and apparently the song helped him stay strong during the "off" moments).

he lost it at me.  Also, he had a lot of work to do for his professors that day that was overdue.  basically, i apologized the moment i realized how important the song was to him, saying "i forgot what it meant to you, I understand how my comment would be hurtful to you, I want you to enjoy your music and anything positive that brings you happiness."

he went on and on about how he "swears to god, [ i ] say these things on purpose because i literally feed off of [his] misery."

it turned into a 9 hour "fight" (I say "fight" because it was basically me apologizing for 9 hours while he said very little and remained emotionally catatonic). most of my repeated apologies and attempts at validation were met with "you just dont get it, you dont understand me at all."  I kept reminding him he had a long day of work and we were putting that off with this fight, and if we kept wasting time we'd have a REAL problem in our hands because he wont be able to get his work/studying done. his mood would waver at times- he would start to open up, be more accepting and relaxed.  but eventually he would change the subject back to the song, and slowly snowball himself into the catatonic anger/sadness. 

It was so exhausting.  Eventually i threw my hands up in anger because i just couldn't keep my cool anymore.  As i said earlier in this thread, we are long distance right now- traveling is expensive too, and makes every minute precious and any time wasted all the more regretful. Halfway through the fight I decided to stay an extra day- i was set to leave that afternoon but didnt want to when he was in this state. I asked if staying would make a difference and he said yes, it would really help.  It bought me 15 minutes of peace until he slid right back to where we started.

so i lost it.  I spend an additional 100 on my travel arrangements to stay and deal with this fight.  and it got me nowhere and nothing.  I started getting very angry.  I began to take back the excessive validation he needed about the song, saying he was overreacting (which he most certainly was) and that his attitude was making for a bigger problem than the initial offense on my part.  I said if we are just going to fight, you arent gonna get anything done, so maybe we should separate for the night so he could work.  BIG MISTAKE.  mind you i was angry so the suggestion was said in a pretty harsh tone, but i did feel like that was the right thing to do if he couldnt get over what i had said. but any hint at abandonement is a major trigger.

turned into a flame out where we were yelling and screaming at each other.  since I'm always bottling things up to avoid confrontation, my anger over his frequent cheating (which is a compulsive coping mechanism in response to me being mad at him, the worst catch 22 you could imagine) exploded out and i called him some bad names.  told him we should just break up because of this stuff.  he went into a psychotic panic attack mode, which is always great at getting me to give in and "help" him.  he curls up into a ball and screams and wails and cries so i swallowed my feelings to put an end to that.

eventually he recovered but he said i think we should break up too.  i started crying because i was just emotionally shot.  he saw that and it must have triggered some kind of light bulb in his head as he calmed down and began to comfort me.  we agreed the first fight was overblown- he even said he was "testing" me... .which i kind of figured all along, but lost track of in my anger. of course, this has now been going on for 12 hours so he's never going to get his work done.  he stayed up all night studying (i did too helping him with paper writing) and still wasnt prepared enough.  failed an exam the next day.

so were back to square one after the failed exam.  he says he resents me for fighting with him and the outcome would have been different if he had the whole day to study.  Of course thats true, but it was his little "test" that prolonged the fight.  I dont bring this up because saying "i told you so" would have majorly blew up in my face.

though we left on good terms (he eventually calmed down, accepted-ish that the grade was his own problem and fault, and even said "wow i really think I'm BPD and need a therapist soon... .HUGE given he has always fought this idea and merely bringing up the BPD topic normally sends him into a tailspin) things have been sliding back again already.  the last 24 hours, he's back to resenting me for his poor academic performance. its again my fault this semester has gone so poorly- i left the city for rehab (which was the best decision i've ever made, i had a drinking problem), so I abandoned him and it was impossible for him to go to class. 

lo and behold, he goes out all night last night.  i woke up at 4ish when my phone beeped at me indicating he hd sent a few texts to say goodnight.  I had a bad feeling, and just out of curiosity checked a dating app i know he uses when he wants to cheat on me.  yep, hes on there... .sending photos to people and saying hes looking for sex.  I call him out on this and he just said he feels really down and sad about us, and he "doesnt know what else to do."  I ask, over and over, how cheating on me would help and he continues to say he "doesnt know what else he can do, [ i ] called him all these worthless things, so why be good.  why not be a slut like [ i ] called him."  I did call him that in a fit of anger, becuase hes cheated on me with so so many people and I never get the chance to be heard or have my feelings worked thru on it, because its too "painful for him" to think about. he kept flip-flopping, wouldnt even say he wont cheat on me now that hes been caught red handed planning it.  i practially had to twist his arm to get him to say that so i could shed the anxiety and go to sleep.

it felt so ridiculous.  especially how he straight up would NOT say, for a long part of the conversation, that he would NOT go see someone else.  He just kept repeating that he "doesnt know what else to do."  I asked him how devastated he would be if the roles were reversed.  hell, he practically punches anyone on the street who so much as looks at me... .but he doesnt see how destructive him, himself, electing to cheat feels.

im losing so much patience right now. he uses the threat of infidelity to control and manipulate, or goes and does it altogether to cope with his feelings.  its so twisted how i have to stop him by catching him, and telling him over and over i love him and just want us to be happy... .if i get angry or display pain at being betrayed, it seems to encourage him.  this is so backwards! most partners would be SO mad if they caught someone planning to cheat... .I have to be submissive and loving. ugh

[cbm419]

i want this to work out.  I love him and when things are good, theyre out of this world amazing.  but hes in his early 20s, just facing now that he may have BPD, and in no rush for therapy.  a lot of what i've read suggests it takes years of treatment to reconfigure these BPD traits... .  which scares me.  I dont know if i cant wait a decade and keep having awful things happen and "accept him" and his disease while he gets help.

I just dont know if i can wait. 

[livednlearned]

When you go see him, are you spending money mostly on transportation and then staying with him at his place?

It sounds like when his emotional roller coaster gets going, you do what you can to stay grounded, for as long as possible.

His emotions trigger, he finds a reason for them (feelings = facts) and those facts tend to be something you did/said or didn't do. You then either take the blame to appease him, or capitulate, or validate, anything to get the roller coaster to stop.

When this happens, it gets messy and feels out of control for both of you. He goes into a dissociative state, maybe even psychosis? Silent treatment? And you stay with him because that's where you are staying? Or because you worry he will cheat on you? Or because he might hurt himself? It's probably good to figure out why you might fear leaving him and then problem solve from there, and have a plan for next time so that you aren't tempted to repeat the same thing (which doesn't seem to work anyway).

From what you describe, it seems like he feels anxiety about school, and had a deadline. Maybe he was feeling inadequate, like many people with BPD feel, and having someone there he could blame made it more tolerable for him to fail, if indeed he does fail. He can lay the problem at your feet instead of seeing that his own out of control feelings tend to land him in this kind of panic mode. Just a thought, there may be other things driving his primary mood shifts. In general, tho, people with BPD tend to adapt facts to feelings. They tend to also have labile moods that are quick to trigger and slow to return to baseline. By staying with him and apologizing, it can serve to keep him in a dysregulation when you actually want the opposite to occur.

[cbm419]

When you go see him, are you spending money mostly on transportation and then staying with him at his place?

It sounds like when his emotional roller coaster gets going, you do what you can to stay grounded, for as long as possible.

His emotions trigger, he finds a reason for them (feelings = facts) and those facts tend to be something you did/said or didn't do. You then either take the blame to appease him, or capitulate, or validate, anything to get the roller coaster to stop.

When this happens, it gets messy and feels out of control for both of you. He goes into a dissociative state, maybe even psychosis? Silent treatment? And you stay with him because that's where you are staying? Or because you worry he will cheat on you? Or because he might hurt himself? It's probably good to figure out why you might fear leaving him and then problem solve from there, and have a plan for next time so that you aren't tempted to repeat the same thing (which doesn't seem to work anyway).

From what you describe, it seems like he feels anxiety about school, and had a deadline. Maybe he was feeling inadequate, like many people with BPD feel, and having someone there he could blame made it more tolerable for him to fail, if indeed he does fail. He can lay the problem at your feet instead of seeing that his own out of control feelings tend to land him in this kind of panic mode. Just a thought, there may be other things driving his primary mood shifts. In general, tho, people with BPD tend to adapt facts to feelings. They tend to also have labile moods that are quick to trigger and slow to return to baseline. By staying with him and apologizing, it can serve to keep him in a dysregulation when you actually want the opposite to occur.

your description is spot on LnL. i can only keep my cool for so long.  when i hit my limit he tends to escalate at the first sign of me losing patience.  thats when i usually snap back into it, and just go right into appeasement mode. I'll give up on my opinion or my point and just placate him to save the bigger picture from complete meltdown.  in the long run, its made me submissive, weak, spineless... .and no matter how much i should be allowed to have my own stance on things, it never feels worth the uphill battle.  i just give in and it gets bottled up until later when i inevitably explode.

he is also the master of the silent treatment or, what i like to call the emotional silent treatment (hes still talking but stuck in an oppositional/stubborn state, keeps telling me I "need to figure out what to say to fix it" as if i can read his mind.  hes emotionally silent, he isnt open to listening and doesnt communicate anything but a static stubborn disappointedness.).  I've seen him also go psychotic in these moments but i will do anything to stop it from going that far these days.

i usually get a hotel so we can have privacy as he has a few roommates.  so i stay with him generally in these fights, because walking out the door or asking for space is a major trigger.  sends him right to the roof- says I'm abandoning him and that sort of stuff. it also opens the cheating door- hes literally left my apartment mid-fight to hook up with someone up the street. if i ask him to leave and take a walk this is nearly assured. its happened multiple times.

he is absolutely set on his academic failure being my fault.  he insists that me disappearing to rehab was so traumatic that he couldnt go to class or do his work.  but it wasnt a suprise- he knew over a week in advance i was leaving, and i didnt go NC on him while there. when i was gone he slept with about 8/9 people by my second week there.  so by week three my counselor suggested i cut all contact until, at least, i leave, as he could see it was a major distraction for me.  He also said fundamentally this relationship will never work out, becuase he is sick and not getting any help for it, and further, that its an immense risk to my sobriety to stay with him as he feeds a lifestyle of emotional highs and lows.

anytime i try to offload the blame thats been delivered to my feet, its a miserable failure.  he just wont accept that he had any responsibility in his failing classes, which he is now sure to in a couple of the four, as he just didnt show up most of sept/oct.

we spoke tonight over the phone and it went practically nowhere.  he admitted hes seriously tempted to cheat on me right now, is on dating apps and talking to people.  when i insist he does not do that, he quotes a fight a few weeks ago where I lost my cool and called him a sl#t for cheating on me with so many people when i was in rehab.  he now contends that if i am going to call him that, he may as well be one, and doesnt need to be loyal to anyone who sees him that way.  this is ridiculous as I have taken that back and apologized handily for that insult over and over.  and I lavish him with loving compliments and relationship affirmations all day every day.  but, all he wants to remember is the insult.

quick to trigger and slow back to baseline may as well be tatooed on his forehead.  he'll snap at the smallest thing and it will take 8-12 hours for him to even be sensible enough to talk anything thru with.  until then its a free for all where he says and does whatever he thinks hes entitled to for being hurt.  lots of mean insults.  of course, none of them matter and im not allowed to hold onto my hurt for being called awful things.  After all, i deserved it.

tonight i tried to impress upon him how bad things really are as far as i see them and how drastically they need to change and SOON. whenever i try to do this however, he defaults to "well if there so bad lets just break up." and then he shuts down on me. tonight he kept repeating how he doesnt think he needs to be loyal and i deserve every incident of cheating i get in exchange for once calling him a sl#t.

its driving me insane. my friends all think im crazy to still be in this relationship and remind me that im a good, decent person and could do better.  I'm sure i could.  i just dont want/dont know how to end it with him.   

[JohnLove]

Hello CBM49, this guy that you think is yours is a train wreck. He is failing academically and blaming you for it. I assign less than 10% of his result to you being a distraction. Distraction = he probably understood he was not close to prepared and would fail. You came in real handy at that point... .well, possibly well before that point.

The cheating is the worst. Even if you weren't monoagmous, I believe polyamorus relationships have understandings and approvals given for this behaviour. He is out of control and there is no strategy to replace this behaviour, other than you telling him not to.

He is using sex to self soothe. This is extremely dangerous, it may lead to disease and if he is picking these "partners" at random, even violence.

Many of his statements to you are a severe form of emotional manipulation. I have been through the "if you are going to call me a slut, then I'll be one" in my younger years. It is extremely childish, and dysfunctional. Because you dared open your mouth and told the truth he will punish you severely for it.

I appreciate that no matter how many times you apoligise for blurting out your (the) truth and pain, you are still attacked for something said in the heat of the moment... .oh, and which is also SPOT ON.
His behviour is the literal definition of a slut... .yet here YOU are being chastised and abused over his behaviour. Disturbing.

Just know you are living in topsy turvy land. pwBPD are absolutely amazing at reducing our expectations of them until one day it gets SO bad that at some point you end up thinking WTF.

That's when you also question yourself constantly... .and wonder if you're the problem... .and with the right girl he will probably be that amazing. The truth is. He wont. Be careful what you believe and what you are projecting onto him.

The catatonic state that you describe is "Elvis leaving the building". The technical term is disasocation. He is there but not there. This will occur at times when he is very stressed.

For you to be so committted to him suggests he must have some incredibly redeeming features that you haven't even touched on... .and that might be because you are in a FOG (of fear, obligation, and guilt).

He is harming you and your "relationship" and it seems you are holding on to a relationship that is twisted and really isn't. Be very careful, you are still young, seem to have an articulate take on things. You can learn some powerful lessons about Love or you can also do yourself some real harm. Know YOU always have a choice.

Your therapist sounds on the money. This has so many red flags of not ending well, so I hope you are preparing for the worst.

I fear while living HIS life HE may find someone else that will put up with all this dysfunction and leave (read: ABANDON) you on his terms. If he paints you black for no real fault of your own that may precipitate that.

Do you really want that for yourself?

[cbm419]

Thanks JohnLove.  you say a lot of things here that agree precisely with my own thoughts, that is, when my own thoughts are clear and not contaminated.  This entire relationship has twisted my sense of self, reality, and love to major extremes.  So much so that I'm finding myself doing just absurd mental gymnastics to retrofit a dysfunctional relationship to meet my emotional needs.

I've heard the phrase: "successful people change their behaviors to meet their goals... .unsuccessful people change their goals to meet their behaviors."

I feel i've nailed myself into the second half of this phrase. 

And also, the sex for self soothing is as dangerous as you have said.  Im actually a guy, so this is a gay relationship... .and with the prevalence of diseases in my community, its a recipe for disaster.  Because he is so impulsive in his cheating, I imagine there are few lines he wont cross and no real boundaries controlling how safe these encounters are. We've already had one situation where he admitted someone he hooked up with seemed very sleazy and suspicious, leading to a weeks long hiatus in our sex life and testing on both of us.  It all came back fine, but the very fact that hes seeing people who he cant vouch for health-wise is surely terrifying.

it is totally topsy turvy land.  he still grabs onto the slut insult, it comes up almost every day, and he uses it to pervert and warp any discussion into a shape where I'm the persecutor-in-chief, the source of all misery. He becomes so worked up in these moments that i just submit for the sake of both our sanity.  however, its a short term solution that feeds a long term problem, and sends the message that his manipulation is okay, because it works. Now, he is continuing to relate his failure on not only my initial absence from the relationship, but also with the chaos from the last couple weeks. its a never ending train of "its your fault" and if i take a stand he just flips at me. 

The disassociation is awful.  It will last entire days sometimes, and exacerbates fights that normal people would overcome in 10 minutes, or worse, creates conflict where it need not be in the first place.

the redeeming factor to our relationship is when things are good, they are to-the-moon great.  he is very loving, sweet and affectionate.  He shows sincere (and i mean really sincere) remorse for his mistakes, and will even take the blame off me for his school stuff. The problem is that all is reversed when i make him mad.  Which, by the way, is so easy... .he takes walking on eggshells to staggering new heights.  any and everything is a potential trigger.

ive continued talking to my therapist who plays a great devils advocate.  if i stay in the relationship, its going to be decades, likey, of this dynamic.  Even with therapy, borderlines tend to maintain their problematic behaviors and thinking into their 40s, when, as my therapist says, they get old and simply dont have the energy to keep the drama going.  Change for the better takes A LOT of hard work, and he doesnt seem willing to try much at all.  So its not looking good.  I'm really thinking it may be time to move on, I just feel so conflicted.  Our idealization phase was nearly two years, and that has given me a lot of (mostly false) hope for the future and us.

[livednlearned]

You have to put your own safety and needs first. This is actually essential, no matter what you decide.

People with BPD tend to depend on a partner who has confidence and strength. Over time, with unchecked abuse, we let ourselves get lost in the fog and forget we have choices and boundaries and self-respect. He needs you to have the very same qualities that he also shreds to pieces   You have to be strong enough to withstand what he is doing. Not easy!

You have to build strength again, and have confidence in yourself, and trying to do too much too quickly can fail. Can you start with something small?

You know how the cycles go, the trouble spots, the triggers. You know how you respond. Where in the dynamic can you make a small change? Something that reflects back a glimmer of your own strength.

A dynamic that worked for me was to hold up my hand and say Stop. Repeatedly. Nothing else, just Stop. No explanation, no hand on hip, no foot stomping, no flared nostrils   Just a firm no-nonsense voice and no desire to engage while he is bouncing off the walls of his own brain.

In a dysregulated state, he will truly be like a child out of control. With his emotions out of control, he needs his external environment to provide that control. Be realistic about what you feel ready to do and then do it -- commit to it so that the boundaries are watertight.

People with BPD test us and test us and test us and test us and it takes a lot of effort to hold your boundaries, so be sure that whatever you do, it's something you can stand behind.

[cbm419]

we spoke today and agreed we need time and space from each other.  the thing is, when i catch him in a decent mood, he is a pretty reasonable person and is able to see the big picture of whats going on.  Last night he completely dysregulated after I called him when he asked to do facetime (he said he was down and wanted to see my face... .I couldnt find my earbuds/mic and dont like facetiming without those... .so i had the audacity to simply call). he completely melted down in front of his family (he was with them for the holiday) and caused a scene in front of his dad, kid-sister and stepmom. screaming at the top of his lungs saying "he wont facetime me" and generally cursing the world for anything thats gone wrong for him. i think showing everyone his mr. hyde (usually its just me) may have been a wake up call.  hes calmed down and knows his behavior is not rational or okay.  Im actually glad he made a fool of himself, cuz when its insulated with me (and i sometimes acccidently enable this behavior) he never sees how actually insane it is.

I was supposed to visit him in the next 5 days and we are agreeing we should stay put.  He has agreed that he has a lot of work to do on his own plate right now, and our recent interactions have created a toxic environment for both of us. he is not taking responsibility for his failures back, but hes also not assigning them to me during this exchange.  I consider that a big improvement.

I am suggesting we take a break from each other- not to give up entirely, but to give each other some real space to figure out our own situations. I have been feeling VERY close to a relapse with my drinking throughout all the recent drama, and that can NOT happen. If it does it would truly be the point of no return for our relationship. I'm still in early sobriety, and it makes it hard to deal with normal, everyday life... .dealing with this insane behavior is a massive test.

I've asked that from now forward we assert and own our separate needs, to ourselves, for ourselves. stop sharing each other's unique problems right now because it has only backfired on us both.

Im gonna have my fingers crossed.  in the past, when we have these "eureka" moments, its all very short term and one person steps out of line, and we get back to codependent enabling and what not. I have emphasized, more than normal, how important it is that we stick with it this time, as we both see a bad outcome on the horizon if we arent vigilant.

oy vey.  here goes nothing! wish me luck

[livednlearned]

Good luck  

What you describe sounds like splitting. It's a normal thing to do during early development (e.g. mad at mom when she doesn't allow sweets, love mom when she sings to me -- and she is experienced as two separate people, one bad, one good). You experience him as having a continuous self, he likely does not experience himself this way.

So when things are good, you are the all-good partner. When triggered, you become the all-bad partner.

He will struggle to balance two (seemingly opposite) truths, that you can be mad at him AND love him at the same time. He is more likely to think that if you are mad/bad/sad, then you are all bad, as though the good part never existed.

Eventually, it will swing the other way, when his emotions have returned to baseline. He may be puzzled by what he went through, and feel shame, which can start another cycle.

That's why we encourage people to take care of themselves and have good boundaries, because these swings in mood and splitting behavior is about him and unresolved hurts that he projects onto you.

Where we get hurt is when we take it personally.

So taking a break to take care of yourself (congratulations on your sobriety, btw) is a very healthy, very strong, important step. Being able to do this when the chips are down is part of what it takes to be in these relationships.

[isilme]

Hi there.  Congrats on your sobriety - that could not have been an easy road for you.

H and I started dating at 19 at the end of our first year in college.  I was on a full scholarship for 4 years, provided I kept my grades up - H was on scholastic probation after his first year.  Once we were together, his grade came up because I was there to push him to go to class, or at least bring assignments home in shared classes.  But, after a while, he just stopped going regularly.  I pushed to finish, and due to a bureaucratic error, incompetence with my advisor, and trouble with my BPD mom that left me numb and depressed, I ended up going one year past that covered by my scholarship.  But I got sick of school and wanted to graduate and go to work.  H was floundering.  For a few years, I thought it was my job to get him to class, to even do assignments for him at times, or at least give him all my notes to study. 

Then, I realized I needed to step back and just let him fail or succeed, on his own.  I don't think I even knew the term "enabling" yet, but it just made sense.  Doing so much for him, I was just echoing mistakes his mom had made.  If he was going to pass classes, and finish school, he had to want to do it.  So I continued on, graduated, got a job, worked full time, and he kept floundering through his 20s, and eventually dropped out of school, and after a while, wasn't even working. By his 30s, I think he finally got sick of friends insinuating he was a deadbeat for letting me work while he couldn't even stay in class, and finally, he stepped up, started working part and then full time.  This increased his own pride, and THEN, finally, 17 years after he started college, he managed to graduate while working full time. 

I understand about the rage at a minor thing, and the disassociation that can happen when the rage gets that intense - its like no one is really home.  Thank goodness the worst he's ever "taken" is alcohol, and he's not much of a drinker at all - neither of us is. 

Over the years, because all in all, there is more reason for me to stay than leave (believe me, you don't hit 20 years without really thinking hard on that), and after finding this site, for the most part I think we've managed to make the incidents happen less often, and decrease the magnitude on average.  I learned that a lot of time it helps me to think "this is the BPD talking, his internal shame, all he's saying is AT me, but not really TO me."  I don't know if that makes sense, but you really do pick your battles, and even the times to tackle them.  Like the movies.  I don't buy tickets ahead of time unless there is no choice.  I have  a backup plan (let's just order pizza and stay in!) in case he can't get ready in time.  Getting ready can take hours so he does not feel fat.  Or ugly.  Or even worse, in case he takes issue with MY clothing instead of his own, or in addition to his own.  So I am prepared for any and all plans to fall through in a moment's dysregulation, and honestly, either plan to just go places by myself or not at all.  This way, I am not freaking out myself over missing anything, which triggers him more. 

Taking breaks, when you can, is good.  It's not as easy when you live together or are staying under the same roof, so come up with a few ways to simply not be there for the anger if it occurs.  He's allowed his own emotions, no matter how unfounded they may be, but you don't ahve to be there to accept responsibility for them. 

[cbm419]

Oh dear god the madness will not end.

after about 12-24 hours of calm where we discussed a break and some space, hes trawling for sex with random partners in the wee hours.  He specifically said he was not going to do this. I know better than to take him at his word, and checked one of his fave dating apps before going to sleep.  yep, hes there... .i was somewhat an ass about this becuase in my anger decided to "catfish" him and within 5-10mins he was asking for an address and describing the different sex acts he liked to perform.  pulled the plug then and just told him "bf, its me, and this is so pathetic."

he reacts with anger and resentent... .says he wasnt actually going to go to this imaginary apartment, that I didnt give him a chance to "not show up" to a fake address, and that because i did that, theres no stopping him from following thru with a real person "now that i've provoked this behavior" from him.  I insisted that hey, at least it wasnt a real person because then you could have really made a huge mistake. he's caught and didnt even once think about how finding him there would hurt me after having what seemed to be some real progress in our last conversations... .which in again, he promised he was going to stay loyal given all the stress we're both already under- "no need to make it worse."

then he dumps me, says its over, commences 100s of mean texts cursing everything about me.  this is followed, almost instantly, by asking that i "help him feel better because of how angry i have made him."

I dont buy into this.  Say "listen if you want to dump me over how i made you look like an ass, so be it, but dont expect me stick around and help you feel better over a choice you just made to cut me out of your life."

on come the suicide threats. many many many of them.  keeps saying if i dont call him and make this right, he will jump in front of a train.  we share locations on our phones and i can see hes nowhere near a subway station. i call this out and tell him to stop, this is abusive, and again- YOU DUMPED ME. he keeps it up, then shuts off location services on his phone saying "im going underground and will lose service, so this is it."

goes silent for an hour. i text asking him to please not act like this, and at least tell me if he is safe.

no reply for a while, until he suddenly sends a photo of his leg, with fresh, DEEP cuts all over and blood dripping.  no caption, or explanation.  I freak out and say I'm going to call 911 then your family, this is out of control.  He then texts back saying not to get anyone involved, to leave him to do what he wants.

of course i reply saying no, this is not okay.  takes him a few minutes but he then says "oh, this isnt even a picture i took today, this is from last year."  i recognize the cut marks do actually match an episode from last year after he reminds me of it.  he says hes been at his friends place for the last hour smoking weed.

but how god awful manipulative can someone be? he wanted me to think it was new cuts, no doubt about it.  he made it seem like he had lost service (i could tell he just turned GPS off because data was still flowing in imessage) to convey that he had gone down to the subway tunnels. 

once i can confirm hes at his friends, i go to bed (fight started at 4am, its now 10am- day is ruined). while im sleeping he slowly texts more as if nothing happened. small apology. mentions a stuffed dog i gave him for a valentines present once is gone, and that he left it at his dads over thanksgiving... .says hes crying because he doesnt have anything to snuggle.  ugh.

this ___ never ends.  now hes back to his old self like nothing happened.