My BPD Story

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My  BPD Story

New here. Recently dumped by BPD GF after horrible roller coaster of a 2-year relationship (both in our mid-40s with kids). I was in such disarray after the breakup that I started trying to understand how I become so dependent and pathetic (I am a recovering alcoholic) with a person who treated me so horrible. I found myself here eventually and now understand she is BPD. I had no idea that they treat all of their boyfriends this way with the idealization and devaluation. I was the greatest man in the history of the world and what she had been waiting for her entire life. She smothered me with love and compliments, and texted and called so much it was hard to do anything but focus on her. She was extremely controlling and was always looking on Facebook to see what my ex wife and GF were up to. She started talking about long term and marriage with 2 months and then put heavy repeated pressure on me to buy the ring and move forward. She has been divorced for 10 years (her husband divorced her) and me 6. She is playboy bunny hot and very fun to be around when she’s not being nasty.

I fell for the lovebombing hard and started buying into the marriage talk. There were some red flags early but they really started coming out once she had me hooked. I could do nothing right and she was almost constantly criticizing and judging almost everything I did and would rip on one of my sons to me and once bragged to me about how here and a co worker had a jolly time with a conversation making fun of my son because he was too emotional. She laughed while she told me this. She would also sprinkle in unexplainable raging explosions that made no sense to me. I was on pins and needles constantly waiting for the next insult or explosion.

Our conflict pattern was that she would be disrespectful or offensive and I would try to get her to own her behavior like a normal human being should. Usually I was only asking for an apology for something nasty she said, or for validation of my feelings, or for her to simply admit to her behavior. This would result in escalating circular conflicts that would last for hours and sometimes days, much of it through texting. During the course of these conflicts I would tell her she was judgemental, critical, rude, disrespectful, self-centered, etc. To me this seemed pretty minor in comparison to the things she would say to me but she would often end up crying and then her family would see her like this and began to think poorly of me as of course she would never share both sides of the story. I was trying to get her to change this behavior so we could move forward and marry like she wanted to. Eventually this took it’s toll and she became more distant (especially due to how her family felt). We broke up a couple of times during the summer and were together a couple of times as well. I found out that she was hiding me from her family and lying to them and telling them we weren’t together (this is the woman that would preach on and on about the importance of honesty and integrity-of course it didn’t apply to her). We had many discussions where she would say that we needed to figure it out as she could never see herself or me with another and the thought of that made her sick. As time went on in this limbo period she repeatedly said if it didn’t work with me she wouldn’t be dating for the longest time.

We were broken up and for about a month but still having regular contact and talking of getting back together when out of the blue she said “we are going to figure this out” but of course it would be a while before I could be around the family again. She was warm for several days and again talking of marriage and the future and said she would always be there for me. I saw her a week later. On her way over on the phone she told me to “shut up”for asking a simple question. Once there she was cold but still wanted to have sex and the next morning she said we are done forever. I flipped and sent hundreds of text messages that day. Eventually she told me she just needed to be healthy and that she would take the time to self reflect and heal as it was the right thing to do. Of course she mentioned how everything was my fault first and had a long list of everything I had ever done wrong. Within a week or two she was already with someone else.

Unfortunately I did not handle this well and got drunk and sent her mean texts about how she had been mean to me, no one had ever treated me worse, how hateful her heart was, how I understood why here ex divorved her, etc. She had her adult children contact me to tell me to leave her alone and next time I tried contacting her the cops would be involved.

It has been the hardest breakup of my life. Worse than my divorce. I feel a lot of guilt for getting drunk twice and lashing out at her and I wish she wouldn’t have gotten the kids involved. I still can’t believe how she can just replace me and cut me out completely after what I thought we were to one another but I realize now that I am definitely better off. I was pathetic in the end begging for her to come back and I feel like a fool for that as well.


Any suggestions on dealing with my guilt for lashing out at her and knowing her family thinks I’m a monster or suggestions for moving towards a healthier future are appreciated.

[Duped 1]

My  BPD Story

New here. Recently dumped by BPD GF after horrible roller coaster of a 2-year relationship (both in our mid-40s with kids). I was in such disarray after the breakup that I started trying to understand how I become so dependent and pathetic (I am a recovering alcoholic) with a person who treated me so horrible. I found myself here eventually and now understand she is BPD. I had no idea that they treat all of their boyfriends this way with the idealization and devaluation. I was the greatest man in the history of the world and what she had been waiting for her entire life. She smothered me with love and compliments, and texted and called so much it was hard to do anything but focus on her. She was extremely controlling and was always looking on Facebook to see what my ex wife and GF were up to. She started talking about long term and marriage with 2 months and then put heavy repeated pressure on me to buy the ring and move forward. She has been divorced for 10 years (her husband divorced her) and me 6. She is playboy bunny hot and very fun to be around when she’s not being nasty.

I fell for the lovebombing hard and started buying into the marriage talk. There were some red flags early but they really started coming out once she had me hooked. I could do nothing right and she was almost constantly criticizing and judging almost everything I did and would rip on one of my sons to me and once bragged to me about how here and a co worker had a jolly time with a conversation making fun of my son because he was too emotional. She laughed while she told me this. She would also sprinkle in unexplainable raging explosions that made no sense to me. I was on pins and needles constantly waiting for the next insult or explosion.

Our conflict pattern was that she would be disrespectful or offensive and I would try to get her to own her behavior like a normal human being should. Usually I was only asking for an apology for something nasty she said, or for validation of my feelings, or for her to simply admit to her behavior. This would result in escalating circular conflicts that would last for hours and sometimes days, much of it through texting. During the course of these conflicts I would tell her she was judgemental, critical, rude, disrespectful, self-centered, etc. To me this seemed pretty minor in comparison to the things she would say to me but she would often end up crying and then her family would see her like this and began to think poorly of me as of course she would never share both sides of the story. I was trying to get her to change this behavior so we could move forward and marry like she wanted to. Eventually this took it’s toll and she became more distant (especially due to how her family felt). We broke up a couple of times during the summer and were together a couple of times as well. I found out that she was hiding me from her family and lying to them and telling them we weren’t together (this is the woman that would preach on and on about the importance of honesty and integrity-of course it didn’t apply to her). We had many discussions where she would say that we needed to figure it out as she could never see herself or me with another and the thought of that made her sick. As time went on in this limbo period she repeatedly said if it didn’t work with me she wouldn’t be dating for the longest time.

We were broken up and for about a month but still having regular contact and talking of getting back together when out of the blue she said “we are going to figure this out” but of course it would be a while before I could be around the family again. She was warm for several days and again talking of marriage and the future and said she would always be there for me. I saw her a week later. On her way over on the phone she told me to “shut up”for asking a simple question. Once there she was cold but still wanted to have sex and the next morning she said we are done forever. I flipped and sent hundreds of text messages that day. Eventually she told me she just needed to be healthy and that she would take the time to self reflect and heal as it was the right thing to do. Of course she mentioned how everything was my fault first and had a long list of everything I had ever done wrong. Within a week or two she was already with someone else.

Unfortunately I did not handle this well and got drunk and sent her mean texts about how she had been mean to me, no one had ever treated me worse, how hateful her heart was, how I understood why here ex divorved her, etc. She had her adult children contact me to tell me to leave her alone and next time I tried contacting her the cops would be involved.

It has been the hardest breakup of my life. Worse than my divorce. I feel a lot of guilt for getting drunk twice and lashing out at her and I wish she wouldn’t have gotten the kids involved. I still can’t believe how she can just replace me and cut me out completely after what I thought we were to one another but I realize now that I am definitely better off. I was pathetic in the end begging for her to come back and I feel like a fool for that as well.


Any suggestions on dealing with my guilt for lashing out at her and knowing her family thinks I’m a monster or suggestions for moving towards a healthier future are appreciated.

[schwing]

Hi Duped 1 and

I found myself here eventually and now understand she is BPD. I had no idea that they treat all of their boyfriends this way with the idealization and devaluation.

I think one of the difficult aspects that makes BPD hard to accept is that they do not seem mentally ill in most of their interactions with other people.  It is only in the context of intimate relationships (i.e. family) that their disorder can become more manifest. This aspect makes it difficult for other people to understand as they are not having to live and witness the problems directly; moreover, the person with BPD (pwBPD) is very likely to paint a different picture of your relationship to any and all who are willing to listen and validate their distortions.

Our conflict pattern was that she would be disrespectful or offensive and I would try to get her to own her behavior like a normal human being should. Usually I was only asking for an apology for something nasty she said, or for validation of my feelings, or for her to simply admit to her behavior. This would result in escalating circular conflicts that would last for hours and sometimes days, much of it through texting. During the course of these conflicts I would tell her she was judgemental, critical, rude, disrespectful, self-centered, etc.

It might help you to consider that when pwBPD act out badly, it is sometimes in response to their own disordered feelings that have nothing to do with your behavior.  Whenever pwBPD are jealous or accuse us of cheating or acting badly, this has more to do with their imagined fear of abandonment than any action we may or may not perform.

You see, in the context of an intimate relationship, their disordered feelings start showing up.  And pwBPD *interpret* these feelings to be justified by imagining that we are acting in a way to justify them.  So for pwBPD, sometimes the feelings happens before any supposed action.  Or they feel a certain way (i.e. like they will be betrayed, or abandoned) and then look for any slight sign to justify why they are feeling the way that they do.

I believe they do this to avoid accepting that they have a mental illness.  Because if they accept that they do not have a good reason to feel their disordered feelings, then they would have to accept that this is something wrong with them. And then, they would end up *devaluing* themselves. Many pwBPD prefer to devalue their partners rather than themselves.

Eventually she told me she just needed to be healthy and that she would take the time to self reflect and heal as it was the right thing to do. Of course she mentioned how everything was my fault first and had a long list of everything I had ever done wrong. Within a week or two she was already with someone else.

Often for pwBPD, the easy way out is to blame the other person.  She would be better served by getting "healthy" and taking the "time to self reflect and heal" but that path is not an easy path for a person recovering from BPD.

Any suggestions on dealing with my guilt for lashing out at her and knowing her family thinks I’m a monster or suggestions for moving towards a healthier future are appreciated.

You should just accept the guilt you feel for lashing out at her. Your reaction is a normal reaction. She discarded/abandoned you.  And for no apparent good reason. That should hurt.  Her family is better off thinking that you're a monster because it makes it easier for them to live with the fact that they are living with someone who is mentally ill.  It doesn't serve them to avoid this fact, but it is the easier way to get past this reality.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Duped 1]

Thanks for your response! This is a great site!

She thinks I'm abusive due to my responses to her and some of them weren't good. I took it for months calmly and would say things like "people don't talk to each other like that or we are not enemies or you fight to win or do you hate me" but eventually I could t take it and started fighting back. I remember saying to her that I didn't want to fight like her.

I think it's terrible that she got her kids involved even though I was out of line when I lashed out. She knew that would really hurt me and she would feel good if she knew how much I've struggled.

[lovenature]

I too continually put my uBPDexgf's heart and feelings ahead of my own until I could no longer accept her unrealistic behaviour. I am not proud of some of my reactions to her nonsense, but we must always be realistic and consider the fact that we are only human and were dealing with a serious mental illness.

Try to have some compassion for yourself (I know it isn't easy if you are a rescuer/caretaker type), and shift the focus to learning why you stayed in a toxic relationship.

[drained1996]

 

Welcome to the site, sorry it's under such difficult circumstances, but we all here understand.  You've found a great place to share and learn. 
Schwing has given you some very good insight I see, and lovenature speaks the truth... .we are only human! 
I too lashed out at times, really who wouldn't all that was thrown our way?  It's ok, a few not so wise comments or decisions does not make you a bad person, and given the circumstances not many in this world would react well.  So be compassionate with yourself and know that it's ok!  I urge you to keep posting here as the more you share, the more you get in return in my experience. 
Also take some time to look at the tools and lessons available on the site such as the ones to the right of this board.  I also personally found it very helpful to read others stories, you will find so many similar to yours, and it's helpful to know you are not alone in your journey and the things you have experienced.  Keep posting... .you've found the right place.
It does get better, we promise.   

[jammit123]

Duped, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear that you too are going through the devastation of being dumped in the garbage and taken to the junkyard.  It is painful, I know.  I found your post comforting in the fact that others are feeling guilty for their own behavior.  I feel the same but working hard to get past it.  I didn't know!  I mean, I suspected BPD in my dear friend SC but didn't know enough about it to tailor my response to her appropriately.  I reacted as any other empathetic person would.  I tried to be gentle actually but even my gentle was too harsh for her.  Anyway, I understand your feelings and we both need to let go of the guilt.  It serves no purpose.  Forgiving yourself for the texts is a first step in the healing process.  You did the best you could under the circumstance.

Hugs to you  

[Fie]

Hello Duped,


Welcome and I hope this site will help you get on your way towards a happier life !

I completely understand the guilt feeling after having lashed out towards your ex. I went through the same.
I think there is one thing you should keep in mind though. BPD tends to get out the worst of us.
We can be the kindest person towards them, yet we are human. When you kick a dog once, you can be lucky, maybe he won't bite. When you kick a dog 1000 or more times, he'll bite for sure.

BPD = dysfunction. As a non, it's very hard to *always* be the wisest person of the two. So give yourself a break, and allow yourself to be human.

Also I would like to suggest to you that the fact that she warned her children is of no importance to you now. It is time to heal - and I know this takes a lot of energy, as I have been through the same.

I was in such disarray after the breakup that I started trying to understand how I become so dependent and pathetic (I am a recovering alcoholic) with a person who treated me so horrible.

This is wonderful news (I don't really agree with your self diagnosis of 'pathetic' though  ) and I think this is what you should concentrate on. It does not matter anymore that you lashed out at your ex. It does also not matter anymore that she told her children. What matters now is you and your life NOW. I think you are right and it is important that you shed some light on why you became an (ex)alcoholic, and why you choose to stay in a relationship that was not healthy for you. This way you can allow yourself to grow on a path towards never falling in the same trap again.

Congrats on the recovery road on alcoholism btw. I am sure you are incredibly proud of yourself.

[Duped 1]

Fie-

Thanks so much for your response. I was saying I was pathetic because I begged her not to end the relationship and was taking responsibility for some of her stuff.

She didnt just tell her kids, she had them contact me on 2 different t occasions and tell me to stop harassing her. Why would she do that other than to hurt me more?

This is so painful. I'm really hating her and how cold she is and how she could just jump in bed w the next guy and I'm heartbroken as well.

[Fie]

I don't think you are pathetic at all. You did something you would probably not do again, that's all. And you probably have abandonment issues yourself, which is probably why you panicked when she told you she'd leave. So it's all very understandable.

The fact that her kids jumped in to 'rescue' her was of course very painful to you. But it's not important anymore. Her children probably have a lot of her dysfunction in their lives, you don't, not anymore. That's what matters.
It does not matter anymore how her children think about you, or whether she's happy/with someone or alone, or not. All what matters now is you.

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand where you are coming from. From my own experience I know that recovering from a BPD relationship is hard, hard work. I went trough such difficult times. Sometimes I felt like a crashed computer, full of viruses.
One thing that helped me, was a friend telling me to stop thinking about my ex because I was blocking myself from moving forward. She told me to look into the reasons why I stayed with him for so long. So, focusing on myself in stead of on him.

Please keep posting, everyone here understands.

[Duped 1]

Fie- I'm sure she's happy now as she's in idolization, but as we know it won't last long.i do feel terrible she got the kids involved. I will run into them at some point in the community and I will just pretend I don't know them.

I don't know why she did that.

[Duped 1]

I can't believe how incredibly difficult this is and that she can move on so easily. I'm really struggling. How can I miss someone like this that wasn't even decent to me? It makes no sense. This terrible addiction is tearing me apart

[lovenature]

How can I miss someone like this that wasn't even decent to me? It makes no sense. This terrible addiction is tearing me apart

We spend so much time trying to make sense of the senseless while in our BPD relationships that we end up loosing touch with reality and loosing ourselves.
The combination of their defensive behaviours that go against all logical human nature cause us to really try to make things work because we see how much they need help, and because we have invested enough in our relationships to want them to work out and have our loved ones to share life with.
What you are going through is normal, but something that is not possible for anyone to fathom that hasn't lived it.

NC, NC, NC; look after you.