Co-Parenting of 2 yr old nonbiological child; Stay or let go?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been in relationship with BPD female for 4 years. Two years into relationship she had an affair and got pregnant. Her family wanted abortion citing she can't take care of baby. I told her let's keep him. She asked me to be Father I agreed and we got Married. She self medicated with substance abuse and I learned after seperation of her multiple affairs. She becomes extremely violent and has physically and mentally abused me. I am concerned fir child as I love him very much. I want so bad to be there for him. But I don't want to add to emotional abuse if me getting joint custody will cause that. I've read where kids go thorough a lot of emotional abuse with continued false accusations toward Father when Father remains in the picture. Please vote!

[Foolsgold]

I've been in relationship with BPD female for 4 years. Two years into relationship she had an affair and got pregnant. Her family wanted abortion citing she can't take care of baby. I told her let's keep him. She asked me to be Father I agreed and we got Married. She self medicated with substance abuse and I learned after seperation of her multiple affairs. She becomes extremely violent and has physically and mentally abused me. I am concerned fir child as I love him very much. I want so bad to be there for him. But I don't want to add to emotional abuse if me getting joint custody will cause that. I've read where kids go thorough a lot of emotional abuse with continued false accusations toward Father when Father remains in the picture. Please vote!

[Foolsgold]

Trying to do best fir child.

[ambivalentmom]

Good Afternoon,
     I wanted to say you are being a great dad for your son, especially being in this difficult situation.    I would like to offer something more personal because I feel a poll might be too cut and dry.  I've read some of your previous posts and think it's awful that she has been trying to make you out to be a monster and withholding your son from you.  It's a very difficult situation because you don't want to sacrifice your safety, but you are also worried about your son's safety.
     There are a lot of good resources on this board to support you in working with your BPD partner and I would also recommend keeping track of emails/texts that show you are trying to support/visit with your son (for the court to see).  I also say be careful and have a friend/relative with you if she does decide to meet with you so you can see your son (because of the false allegations).  I hope you will be able to establish a dialog enough to at least parallel parent in the near future.
     Not sure if you agree, but I gave you those suggestions because I think you already voted.  I will try to offer any advise or ideas as best I can, but you will know better than anyone what to do for yourself.  If it becomes too much and you feel that it will be safer/saner to get away completely, we will be here to support you in that too.  We have similar experiences on this board and know that you are in a difficult place to decide.  Please keep us updated and take care.  

[Sunfl0wer]

I want to first apologize and say I really cannot tell you what the right thing is for you to do.  I think only you can decide that. 

It sounds like you feel the child is not yours biologically?
Yet, because she had "an affair," that means the child could be yours?

I wanted to offer the perspective... .
In the poll you gave two choices.
A. You try to stay involved
B. You do not, and child gets affected by BPD mom.
(Excuse my recall here, cannot see polling words)

The child IS going to be affected by having a mom with BPD.
You cannot stop that.
You cannot stop that by choosing to stay involved.
You cannot rescue the child from the affects of having a disordered mom.

I think it may be possible that you may offer the situation some stability, like our member Turkish seems to have with his kids.  Yet, it is also possible that this may cause mom to have a reason to use kid as a pawn, causing more stress and drama.

[Panda39]

Is the biological father aware of this child or in the picture?  Or are you the only Father this child has ever known?  Are you listed on the baby's birth certificate?

I agree this decision is yours to make.  I do have one more question... .Would the decision be something different or easier if this was your biological child? 

Panda39

[Foolsgold]

Is the biological father aware of this child or in the picture?  Or are you the only Father this child has ever known?  Are you listed on the baby's birth certificate?

I agree this decision is yours to make.  I do have one more question... .Would the decision be something different or easier if this was your biological child? 

Panda39

Biological Father is not in Picture... never has been.  It makes absolutely no difference if he is biological or not.  I am his Father and I have decided to be there for him.  I know best how to handle her and I can be a good Dad to him. Best Dad, only Dad.  Thank you!

[Foolsgold]

I want to first apologize and say I really cannot tell you what the right thing is for you to do.  I think only you can decide that. 

It sounds like you feel the child is not yours biologically?
Yet, because she had "an affair," that means the child could be yours?

I wanted to offer the perspective... .
In the poll you gave two choices.
A. You try to stay involved
B. You do not, and child gets affected by BPD mom.
(Excuse my recall here, cannot see polling words)

The child IS going to be affected by having a mom with BPD.
You cannot stop that.
You cannot stop that by choosing to stay involved.
You cannot rescue the child from the affects of having a disordered mom.

I think it may be possible that you may offer the situation some stability, like our member Turkish seems to have with his kids.  Yet, it is also possible that this may cause mom to have a reason to use kid as a pawn, causing more stress and drama.

I have decided it is best for me to stay.  I cannot rescue him but I can offer stability.  I am best suited for dealing with her with My understanding and knowledge I have gain and continue to gain.  No-one in her Family is capable. I am his Dad his only Dad. I have recently hired a good Psychologist and she has my back... My attorney is all in.  I am gaining ground with Guardian.  I have God on my side.

[Foolsgold]

Good Afternoon,
     I wanted to say you are being a great dad for your son, especially being in this difficult situation.    I would like to offer something more personal because I feel a poll might be too cut and dry.  I've read some of your previous posts and think it's awful that she has been trying to make you out to be a monster and withholding your son from you.  It's a very difficult situation because you don't want to sacrifice your safety, but you are also worried about your son's safety.
     There are a lot of good resources on this board to support you in working with your BPD partner and I would also recommend keeping track of emails/texts that show you are trying to support/visit with your son (for the court to see).  I also say be careful and have a friend/relative with you if she does decide to meet with you so you can see your son (because of the false allegations).  I hope you will be able to establish a dialog enough to at least parallel parent in the near future.
     Not sure if you agree, but I gave you those suggestions because I think you already voted.  I will try to offer any advise or ideas as best I can, but you will know better than anyone what to do for yourself.  If it becomes too much and you feel that it will be safer/saner to get away completely, we will be here to support you in that too.  We have similar experiences on this board and know that you are in a difficult place to decide.  Please keep us updated and take care.  

I am all in.  I have decided it is best to be there for him  He deserves it.  I lover him with all my heart.  I am sorry she has this illness and I have empathy.  But I can never trust her totally.  I love him and he loves me.  He is my heart.

[Foolsgold]

 

Biological Father is not in Picture... never has been.  It makes absolutely no difference if he is biological or not.  I am his Father and I have decided to be there for him.  I know best how to handle her and I can be a good Dad to him. Best Dad, only Dad.  Thank you!

  My name is on birth Certificate

[Panda39]

Then he is your son and you are responsible for him.

There is a third choice you didn't put in your poll... .

That is to leave your partner and take your son with you... .or at least give it a shot. 

For what it's worth I think you've made the right choice.  This is an innocent child you and your partner chose to bring into this world, he's a baby and can't fight for himself it is up to you.

Panda39

[Sunfl0wer]

Srry, confused... .
U say "stay?"

What does that mean?
Stay with mom?
In the town?

[Turkish]

It sounds like you are legally his father,  and in reality, definitely 

You've mentioned a lawyer, a Psych, and a GAL. What's your plan look like at this point?

[Foolsgold]

Then he is your son and you are responsible for him.

There is a third choice you didn't put in your poll... .

That is to leave your partner and take your son with you... .or at least give it a shot. 

For what it's worth I think you've made the right choice.  This is an innocent child you and your partner chose to bring into this world, he's a baby and can't fight for himself it is up to you.

Panda39

THANK YOU Panda!  One never knows what may happen. I would prefer to get him out if that if she doesn't get treatment. Sad her family won't encourage treatment but they are kinda shady. Well her Father is. A boy in a grown mans body. I'm sure us where the disfunction came from.

[Foolsgold]

It sounds like you are legally his father,  and in reality, definitely 

You've mentioned a lawyer, a Psych, and a GAL. What's your plan look like at this point?

After talking with Psychologist today she made me feel confident. She said you are Father and there is no evidence that remaining as such will be a negative. He will suffer to a degree weather I'm co-parenting or not. She is contacting GAL and my attorney. She is going to insist a proper evaluation w qualified evaluator. If not appeal it. Attorney has seen wife at emergency hearing which she  produced false affidavits. He senses she's easy target on witness stand. He saw Father act belligerent at court as well. Her sister is confirmed mentally ill. I just had no idea they would go to such extremes. Lawyer said in a full hearing judge will see the instability. I wish she would face her illness and get treatment but doesn't look like that will happen. Son doesn't deserve this. I'm going to do everything I can to save/help him.

[Foolsgold]

Srry, confused... .
U say "stay?"

What does that mean?
Stay with mom?
In the town?

I meant "Stay" The course in seeking custody/visitation.

[Foolsgold]

Then he is your son and you are responsible for him.

There is a third choice you didn't put in your poll... .

That is to leave your partner and take your son with you... .or at least give it a shot.  

For what it's worth I think you've made the right choice.  This is an innocent child you and your partner chose to bring into this world, he's a baby and can't fight for himself it is up to you.

Panda39
Interesting u say that Panda. This is what my psychologist says with no remorse. Especially  considering son is at risk of child sex abuse just as mother has all the symptoms. We think we know who it is.

[Turkish]

You say your son is at risk from sexual abuse, from whom?

[Foolsgold]

You say your son is at risk from sexual abuse, from whom?

Mother has indications of abuse and generally it is a family member. So it is speculation but we are not ignorant as one person in particular acts suspicious of this sickening act. This is why it's so perplexing. What does one do. I was told by a parenting psychologist to teach child for prevention.

[Turkish]

It's certainly valid to teach children body part rules and boundaries. Establishing yourself as a safe person to talk to is key.

[Thomas0311]

Not apple to apples, but I can relate to your situation.  My story is in no way meant to be advice on what you should do, but could add some perspectives about my thought process for what happened in my family.

I discovered at the very end of my marriage that she had had multiple affairs throughout our 8 years together.  I would have never known this if I hadn't kept digging towards the end to uncover what happened (as a process to understand myself, and in a way feel like I did everything I could for my daughters in hanging in there).  Anyway, in my final days with her before separation... .I got her to openly discuss details of her affairs and in that she admitted to having unprotected sex around the time our daughter was conceived.  She also was on medication (anti-depressants) that studies suggest lead to our daughters congenital heart defect (she spent 8 months of the first year of her life in the hospital, much of it in the ICU). I found out about the affair when my daughter was two... .it was painful, and for an evening I had thoughts about what to do if I found out my daughter wasn't mine.  I ultimately concluded that she was no matter what.  More then that, she needed me more than anything to add some sense of stability and reality to her life. If I took a test and it came back negative... .would I leave her? I decided no, so I never even checked.

As to your question about the potential damage of the abuse you're worried about the mother inflicting.  Imagine how bad it'll be for the child with the next guy that wanders into her life?  You're not saving the child by leaving.  Not saying you're saving the child either... .but only you can assess how able you are to provide that stability as they grow. It's a huge task. Trust your gut. Regardless of how you decide you sound like a great father... .for simply being concerned.

[Foolsgold]

Then he is your son and you are responsible for him.

There is a third choice you didn't put in your poll... .

That is to leave your partner and take your son with you... .or at least give it a shot. 

For what it's worth I think you've made the right choice.  This is an innocent child you and your partner chose to bring into this world, he's a baby and can't fight for himself it is up to you.

Panda39

soon to know. Mediation tomorrow. Pray for me

[Panda39]

Good Luck 

You might want to post over on the Legal Board for some help preparing for Mediation (strategies and things to keep in mind) and discussion about what you might expect.  It can't hurt to be prepared and get suggestions from others that have been through mediation already.

Link to the "Legal Board" https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

Panda39

[momtara]

Good luck! It's a difficult situation, but better to go through this now when your son is young. My kids were 3 and 1 and don't even remember the pain we all went through during the divorce and hearings and such.

As for Thomas above - very sweet story, Thomas.

Yes, post on the legal board. If any judge or attorney makes you feel like giving up, don't. Sometimes the process is hard, but in the end things settle down. Also, it's a good idea to bring a pad and pen and documents to the hearing just to feel confident. Good luck!