Triggering on partners "baby" voice

[icky]

ugh, what is it with the baby voices?

 

my BPD partner looves music with male or female singers doing that baby voice thing

it makes me want to puke

he's got such great taste in other things... .*sigh*

he and his ex have also "trained" their daughter (who is 12) to always speak in a baby voice as if she's about 4, cos you know, that's soo adorable, right?

*bleurgh*

i get the whole regression thing in terms of it being a phase in healing, or a phase in therapy

but then it's a PHASE

and people are aware it's not *really* normal and that it has significant drawbacks

but BPD adults actually wanting to be babies for the rest of their lives?

ewwwwwwww

i already starting finding this icky during our falling-in-love/ BPD idealisation phase, but now that things have been rough lately, i find it super off-putting

i realise it's a *small* thing, compared to some of the cheating, lies, abuse, false rape allegations, denying access/ custody rights of children, etc etc that some people here go through with their partners... .

so i probly shouldn't mind this, right?

i *do* find it super challenging tho

everytime a song comes on the radio, where a male or female singer is doing the baby voice thing, i almost hurl up my lunch and run to the radio to change stations asap


*sigh*

it's things like this that make me think even if i sort out all the *major* BPD issues with my partner, things like this may still be a deal-breaker for me... .

how'm i gonna learn to live with the baby-voice imperfection? and the baby-voice music choices?

hmph

[Cat Familiar]

I think your revulsion about this issue is a way that your soul is communicating to you to be wary of continuing this relationship. Undoubtedly there are more serious issues in your relationship that you are choosing to gloss over, but this is a good prompt to pay attention to the direction you're choosing to take your life.

[Skip]

my BPD partner looves music with male or female singers doing that baby voice thing. it makes me want to puke

This is devaluation and mocking.

If you're posting stuff like this, it's a sign you need some time apart and some space... .

[icky]

I think your revulsion about this issue is a way that your soul is communicating to you to be wary of continuing this relationship. Undoubtedly there are more serious issues in your relationship that you are choosing to gloss over, but this is a good prompt to pay attention to the direction you're choosing to take your life.

Yes, I agree. I’m certainly conflicted about this relationship. There’s some things about it I think are positive and there’s things like this that I know are a symptom of deeper stuff, which does worry me. The baby voice stuff is a symptom and it does send shivers down my spine. I find it intensely unpleasant and I think it’s indicative of other stuff that I find intensely unpleasant, that is symbolised by the baby voice thing.

I also know given that there's an element of wishing-to-be-a-baby in BPD, I shouldn't be surprised that using a baby voice is one of the ways that's expressed. I can currently come up with zero compassion for that tho, it's things like this that do truly make me wonder whether I will want to continue this relationship at all. I truly am 50-50 about it. I’m not glossing over the negative stuff. I think it's a normal instinct to try and be (somewhat) constructive and positive and to seek good outcomes. I'm very much aware of the negative stuff and am trying to face it squarely and it's stuff like the baby voice issue that makes it plain as day that there are serious differences/ problems/ issues.

[jrharvey]

My girlfriend sometimes talks in a baby voice to me. Its weird to me because its just not normally part of her personality. I personally don't like it and don't find it attractive at all but its not a huge issue to me. I just don't reward it and move on. I certainly don't think of that as a gigantic issue. Just a personal preference.

[icky]

my BPD partner loves music with male or female singers doing that baby voice thing. it makes me want to puke

This is devaluation and mocking.

If you're posting stuff like this, it's a sign you need some time apart and some space... .

Oh my (ex?)partner and I are are having time apart and some space, and yes, it’s sorely needed. I apologize for seeming mocking about this issue, but i do find it literally repulsive - every muscle in my body right now is clenched tensely as I write about this. I know I should try and find a compassionate stance for this issue, but it currently totally escapes me. I find the baby voice thing disturbing and unhealthy.

Maybe you disagree, Skip? M you or others like the baby voice thing? I guess some partners of pwBPD maybe find the baby voice thing one of the appealing traits. For me, it’s a pretty massive deal-breaker.  I don’t want to be in a relationship (or even in a friendship) with an adult who wants to be a baby and expresses that throughout the day. There’s probably some issue of mine that’s making me react to it with sheer physical and emotional revulsion, but I don’t know what it is.

[icky]

My girlfriend sometimes talks in a baby voice to me. Its weird to me because its just not normally part of her personality. I personally don't like it and don't find it attractive at all but its not a huge issue to me. I just don't reward it and move on. I certainly don't think of that as a gigantic issue. Just a personal preference.

I guess maybe it’s weird that I find it so upsetting (but I do).

[icky]

I've never liked baby-voice music much, but it's never been a trigger until this BPD (babyish) stuff started with my (ex?) partner. Now, it totally triggers me.

[Skip]

What are your goals here on conflicted?

Are you trying to make a leave or stay decision? You just want a place to vent? Other?

[icky]

Yup, totally trying to work out whether to leave or stay - some days I think more leave, some days I think more stay, trying to process the last 18 + 6 months of a BPD relationship, trying to recover from 6 months of dysregulation (which yeah, probably includes some venting as a form of processing), trying to learn about BPD - trying to decide if it's something I want to learn to deal with, or just want to walk away from.
 
Looking at my contribution/ share of the BPD relationship dynamic, working out what is left to salvage from this relationship, working out whether I'd have ever wanted to be together with him in the first place, if I'd realised it was all BPD-driven, recovering from having had my life turned inside out by him, working out if I can ever trust him again, working out what on earth ever made me think he and I had something common in the first place, today is a "leave" day, so I'm certainly focusing on the negative stuff today.
 
I think I need to look plainly at the negative stuff, to be able to make an educated choice that I can stand by and will not regret (either way - whether I end up choosing to leave or stay). I guess that includes the stuff that's become really BPD-triggering for me. I'm not sure how on earth I can possibly truly get over that stuff and go back to things somehow being fine again.

[Skip]

This book might be the tool you need to help organize how you process this conflict.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship Author: Mira Kirshenbaum Publisher: Plume  (July 1, 1997) Paperback: 304 pages ISBN-10: 0452275350 ISBN-13: 978-0452275355

This is a "how to" book. Kirshenbaum offered a focused way to deal with one critical issue at a time rather than sort endlessly through the whole messy bundle of emotional pros and cons.

What is the biggest pro and the most significant con facing you?

[Meili]

I'm not convinced that the baby voice is a BPD thing.

I agree with Skip that it's devaluation. I was so completely frustrated with my ex-wife that even the sound of her footfalls in the house would send me over the edge. At that point, there was nothing that she could have done that would have been right. I had devalued her to the point of finding no good in anything having to do with her.

I don't disagree with you about wanting to see the big picture clearly so that you can make the healthiest decision for yourself possible. Knowing what you want in life and what your core values are and whether or not those things match his is incredibly important.

Do you think that your core values match?

[icky]

Ummm, biggest con is probably that since the dysregulation started happening and since I found out about BPD,  I don't feel like I have a partner who is my "Equal" anymore (i.e., a self-aware, semi-healthy adult). It feels like he's a delusional, damaged child and I'm supposed to be his carer, which would probably involve treading on eggshells indefinitely.

Biggest pro - I truly don't know. I've not yet emotionally dealt with the fact that the idealization phase was all just a whole lot of mirroring and neediness at the time it felt like he genuinely liked me for who I am and that seemed like a pretty good pro!

I honestly don't know what pro(s) are left! Emotionally I still miss the pre-dysregulation stuff - the stuff that seemed so sweet and lovely - I still can't quite grasp that that was all a mirage. Probably, there are no pros. Probably, I'm currently just holding on out of nostalgia/ vain hope/ disbelief

We're currently on low contact... .November and December are his nightmare months at work, and he was already massively dysregulated going into them, this year - so trying to fix a broken BPD relationship dysregulated + during nightmare work weeks seems like something that is a) a useless thing to attempt and b) could push him over an edge (into a nervous breakdown, etc). So I have to wait till January to maybe get some useful talking done with him.

What are the chances that him and me talking in January will go well or will yield any useful results?  Probably about 25%. What are the chances that us working on the situation in January will lead to the kind of relationship I'd like to be in? Probably about 10%. I've pretty much given up on that happening. I think it'll be a miracle if he's suddenly not dysregulated in January and shows some self-awareness and is willing to talk about what is going on with us.

The only potentially viable solution I can see is totally re-defining everything I've ever thought relationships were about, or what they should be which feels pretty much like I'd be getting into a relationship with an extra-terrestrial - someone who has a totally different mindset to me, someone whom I have bizarrely little in common with.

On the one hand, that feels like a kind of interesting challenge to me - and possibly a "Growth opportunity", ha ha.  And on the other hand I think ___? Why would I want to get into a relationship with an extra-terrestrial? Kind of like Mork and Mindy as a couple?

From what I've read on this site, I've certainly given up any hope that he and I will ever be on some kind of similar wavelength (even though, bizarrely and ironically, that was what the whole idealisation phase felt like, thanks to all that mirroring - sigh).

I don’t know. Part of me has given up on this relationship. Part of me refuses to believe it's over and is good-naturedly doing everything I can to make-it-work. Part of me is wondering whether a relationship to an extra-terrestrial is what I want to be doing with my life? I'm 40, so it feels like I should be making my life be about stuff I want to be involved in, not some kind of bizarre compromises.

[Skip]

Sometimes looking at our thread progression is helpful:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=300594
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=300894
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=300718
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=300807
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=300818
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301097
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301395

What I read here is a two year long distance relationship with 18 splendid months followed by six months of problems. Your posts more or less say, I'd liked to fix this, but I'm disconnecting and devaluing the relationship/person. This really feels like someone grieving the end of a relationship while in the relationship. This happens a lot.

If you had to base your decision on the last six months, you say you're done. As you say, you really don't want to mess with the "BPD". Long distance is also a factor.

You also say that you're holding out some hope that things will get better on their own - that you loved the guy who you knew in the first 18 months. We see a lot of members scraping to save relationships and there is a deep passion to it. You don't, however, sound like a person with that passion for going the extra mile to save this relationship. BPD or not, that is what it takes when relationships degrade to this point and if you're not motivated to go all in, that says a lot. It also pretty much seals the outcome - your partner can feel this - its molding the evolution of his feelings too.  

You say the status of the relationship is partially broken off, you're low contact (long distance and not communicating much), you don't seem emotionally distraught... .what is the easiest way to drift off? Is it time to just let go of the "fight" (don't worry about the baby voice or anything else) and start appreciating him for the good time you had together, be a friend, start thinking of life after this relationship, and let this slowly go out to sea?

What would you have to do (that you haven't already done) to keep the relationship ethical (e.g., deal with the exclusive issue), but still keep the door open to talk.

Some times letting go is the medicine that can cure relationship problems. I wouldn't suggest this as a strategy, but I'd at least be open minded.

What do you think?

[formflier]

Ummm, biggest con is probably that since the dysregulation started happening and since I found out about BPD,  I don't feel like I have a partner who is my "Equal" anymore (i.e., a self-aware, semi-healthy adult). It feels like he's a delusional, damaged child and I'm supposed to be his carer, which would probably involve treading on eggshells indefinitely.
 

There have been times in my r/s when I felt this way.  I looked at my wife as "damaged" or "not up to my level".  Those were dark times for my r/s. 

There is a difference in walking on eggshells and making conscious choices to "deal" with your partner in a certain way.  There are certain subjects my wife is not able to work through in a healthy way.  I make those decisions myself... .or find other people to talk to about them.

I'm convinced that my life and the lives of my children are much better off with my decision to stay and work on the r/s.  The relationship skills I have "sharpened" with my wife have also proved valuable with my kids.

So... .as you can see... .I've thought through and experienced lots of "pros" to the decision to stay.  I will also tell you, and others that know my story can vouch for times when I was not doing well dealing with whatever silliness my wife was handing out at the time.

If you are able to articulate solid "pros" for staying AND get to the place where you view your partner as an equal that sometimes makes choices that keep her outside your boundaries, then perhaps there is a future.

While my wife makes many choices I don't agree with... I respect her, respect her choices and don't feel any need to "rescue" her from the natural consequences of her choices.

Hope this helps.

FF

[Lunira]

There’s probably some issue of mine that’s making me react to it with sheer physical and emotional revulsion, but I don’t know what it is.

You want a big strong man for a partner perhaps, not to be Mommy #2 to someone else's (overgrown) baby? 

Is this how you're feeling, maybe? 

[Renard]

hmmmmm,

It sounds like you're seeing things from a different perspective, one that asks what you want in life. I think that's difficult but good, and the low to no contact will give you time to keep thinking on what you want.

[Notwendy]

This might help you- for me being triggered by actions that remind me of something childish are a response to an old pattern. I have been an enabler to my BPD mother. She sometimes talks in a baby voice, but also she enlists people to do things for her that she can do herself, as she seems to have a need for that- to the point where she will manipulate others to get it. I used to just go along with that, but now that I am aware of the pattern, I feel triggered by it.

Since working on co-dependency in myself- this kind of behavior is very triggering to me because I don't want to do that. It used to be an automatic thing, to just be a caretaker, but now that I am aware of it, it is triggering.

My H likes to be taken care of in certain ways as well. I have become quite triggered some of  these behaviors, now that I have identified this aspect of myself.

I think it is important to recognize that our triggers are ours. Someone isn't necessarily doing something to us. Feeling triggered by someone can shine the light on something we don't like about ourselves. When I am feeling triggered by certain behaviors, it is a signal to me to pay attention. I don't like being an enabler or caretaker. I need to be able to say "no", but this is not something I do easily and it makes me uncomfortable. It shows me what I need to work on.

The baby voice can be irritating, but just like someone leaving the toothpaste cap off can be irritating. Annoying things are just that, and I think any two people can sometimes annoy each other. Being triggered can be a signal to look into something I am doing that I want to change.