How can a BPD family be so naive

[statsattack]

How come a BPD family can't tell or notice they have BPD? is it that hard to detect or do people just look the other way

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[Gladiola]

No.t sure,sometimes I feel even stupid,but remanding myself that i am not.Was just feeding myself from that relationship.I guess I felt Idealized all those years,and only when separated myself I was able to see the abuse and reflect.
Unfortunately it goes on,but I am getting the tools to stop it and learning to put boundaries.The sad part is that I see how my 18 years old is becoming the victim(not that he washy until now).The kid doesn't clearly see it,because he is seeking his father's love and also feels for his misery.

[Lockjaw]

I think its because they have an unconditional love for their family member and are used to it.

[Lockjaw]

And in the case of my GF, I think her mom has it.

It's funny to watch. Her mom will call her and give her all this unsolicited advice and she HATES IT with a passion, and yet, she does the same thing to me. And other people. And then doesn't get why no one listens to her.

 

[waverider]

Unfortunately BPD is a notoriously hidden disorder. Given how common it is hardly anyone has heard of it. It is only when a professional points it out or your head is about to explode out of desperation and you start googling the symptoms that you discover it.

One of the side effects of it is isolation, this brings about alienation of benchmarks, so it becomes the normal. Even a non who has experienced "normal" who enters a BPD relationship doesn't see it at first as the pwBPD is role playing who they would like to be and mirroring the non, the slide into dysfunction is often slow, more like an erosion of the nons normality.

The non focuses on the issue in front of them, and tries to fix it. But the issue is not the problem it is bigger pattern driving these issues. Without a learned knowledge of BPD no one can see this correlation. So everyone carries on making excuses and covering up so people outside the circle don't see it and so it is not picked up and the dysfunction stays inhouse

[Lockjaw]

I was blindsided by it. I mean we got along so well, and then just out of the blue, bam! It really makes me wonder how many women I have dated that have had it.

And the thing I couldn't figure out is why the constant fussing about stupid stuff that doesn't matter? Or the need to constantly give advice. Heck I got advice on how to pack up a return box to amazon, and it was the same box the stuff came in. Thanks baby, I think I got it!

Since I found this place, I have gotten better about how I deal with it. But I have said things to her like, do you know what I know it all doesn't know? That they don't know it all... .drum roll please!

I have also told her no one likes a know it all.

And she is so critical of my ex, and me marrying her, and yet she says things about hers that are like, the main diff is he made better money. Thats really it. She had plenty of ammo to go by and run for the hills. He wasn't the love of her life.

Its insanely crazy. I wish she would get some help, but she thinks seeing a therapist will hurt her in custody situations going forward.

[Riess2015]

How come a BPD family can't tell or notice they have BPD? is it that hard to detect or do people just look the other way

Simply stated because most of us aren't even aware or knowledgable of BPD or PD in general until we are "hooked".  We also tend to see all interactions through our own eye. "If I said I would quit drinking, Of course I'd actually mean it."   "For him/her to go off like that I must have really upset them."  We want to believe so we see any positive interaction with the optimism of how things could be vs how they are.  For myself, I didn't realize it or my own enabling behavior until I was at wits end and in therapy myself to make sense of it all.  At which point my therapist talked about the "cycle of abuse" and I began to research it.  All of a sudden my hindsight was 20/20.

[storagecold]

How come a BPD family can't tell or notice they have BPD? is it that hard to detect or do people just look the other way

uBPDw's family has no men in it (other than myself). All the men have either died or left, with the exception of one stepfather who hasn't been around long enough to know the score.

The fighting among the grandmothers, sisters, and daughters has been nonstop for years. None of them have any close friends, so they have alienated themselves to a small group that attacks any "interlopers" (i.e., normal people) and pushes them out immediately.

IMHO, other people see it. They just choose not to expose themselves to it.

[Recovering480]

Great question.

It wasn't until I was exposed to it vis-a-vis an ex, then researched it and came here, that I realized my mother has it. We all knew something wasn't right and I know some people encouraged counseling (she refused), but I don't think anyone will say anything.  It's been relatively calm as of late (as far as I know), but if my brother reaches out to me when he's having problems with her (the only time he reaches out), I'll let him know what I have found out.

So, in my experience: lack of knowledge, denial, "unconditional" love.

I think if I told my father, he's deny it.

I think "unconditional" love is a fallacy. Sorry. There have been too many times in my life where I was extremely hurt by my mother's behavior.

[statsattack]

Shouldn't that be called unconditional naiveness?

I'm learning what unconditional love is and not fun

[waverider]

Nothing should be unconditional, that is just delusional and often indicates a lack of boundaries.

When you are swamped by delusions you loose sight of perspective and benchmarks, as result it becomes hard to define acceptable and hence your boundaries become undermined.

A BPD family live permanently in this mode and have never established healthy perspectives to compare against. Crazy town is not a place in the world it is the way of the world, and they adapt to the environment. Intruders who "criticize" their ways are seen as attacking their way of life and so are repulsed.