How much more can I take?

[Roselee]

 It has been a challenging few weeks. My car was hit by a deer on my way to work with significant damage, I was so upset, and the first one I called was my ex. I know... .sad   He left work and came right over and spent the day with me getting my rental and getting my car to the auto body place where he works. I would only want him to do the work... .the man has issues definitely... .but he is a master at auto repair!  Anyway, we decided to really try to work on things yet again. I was so awed I think that he dropped everything and came to me as no one ever has done so in my past, that I thought he really is willing to change and now he will understand.

 We went away to the mountains for a festival the following weekend. It started out fun, however, I was picking up a a mood change, and was asking what was wrong etc. He said nothing... .but I could tell the warning signs. Anyway, we met people, were really having fun, and then come to find out the one couple we met, the woman now goes to the same gym as me, or atleast were I used to go with my daughter, but haven't gone since she left for school because it was nice to go with someone. We were starting to make plans to go together, and he instantly got angry... .saying comments, like "ok... .so now you get to see her, and I dont".  He Left the table a few times. When I went out to see if he was ok, he was mad... .cursing at me saying stuff that didn't make any sense. The rest of the evening went from bad to worse. To the point that I left the hotel room hoping he would calm down... .just for him to follow. He was grabbing at me, and cursing and it basically got very ugly. I eventually came back to the room, just for him to come into the bathroom and shut the door and get in my face about everything,saying how I don't care about him, how I never have enough time for him etc. I woke in the morning to bruises on my arm, and him crying with guilt and acknowledging again that he really has a problem.  We found some supplements that people have been swearing have worked for their anger and anxiety. He said that he actually feels when he takes it, he feels better... .who knows. I always have hope.  I haven't told a sole about that night... .and have been really trying to wrap my head around it. He wanted to make amends by going away the following weekend again... .and stupid me said ok. That weekend was fine... .no issues.
 Now with the Holiday this week, I had asked him last week what he was doing for Thanksgiving, he said that he had previously been asked to go to his sister's,(we were separated at the time) and maybe he could come for dessert. I said I think I may be doing Thanksgiving on Friday, because it was still uncertain, but my daughter was working on Thanksgiving (she's an hour and 1/2 away), and wouldn't be home until Friday. However, my other daughter wasn't happy about that, so really not sure. So this past weekend, I think my daughters and I finally figured that we would celebrate the main holiday on Friday, and my younger daughter and I would do a small celebration on Thursday.
  So, last night I could tell he suddenly switched his mood from talking to him 20 minutes prior. He was saying, "so I guess I won't see you until Friday now?" and "what I'm not aloud over Thursday night, and sleep over"... .and "I can't come over Wednesday night and sleep over?"  I tried to explain to him last night... .but I was getting all mixed up and I felt like he wasn't letting me speak, and when I did... .I know I wasn't making any sense.

 My feelings are that my daughters haven't seen him since the beginning of August, and since then they have seen me in many ups and mostly downs, and although they support whatever decision I choose, I didn't want to throw him being there at them all at once.  They know that he will be there Friday, but they are not expecting him to be there Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday & probably Sat & Sun too. I was trying to be respectful towards them as well. Kinda like weening the whole situation in to them. All he hears and thinks is that he is not wanted on Thanksgiving... .he says he is hurt, and now "forget it, I'm not coming on Friday". I'm trying to make him see this isn't only about him and me, there are other people involved... .my kids!

He thinks it's rediculous that I have to, as he put it "ask permission from them". And that's not the case... .I'm just trying to make it as comfortable as possible. And I'm not afraid to admit, that I do have anxiety that he will get annoyed at something that I say, or something my girls said and read into it again. I don't understand why I keep putting myself through this. But I really have to stay strong with this decision, I don't think it's fair for my daughter to come home 1:00 am on Thursday (actually Friday am) and see his truck there, and have him there the whole time they are home, when they are only expecting him there for the day on Friday for our celebrating Thanksgiving.

 Am I wrong, or selfish in my thinking? Please be honest, because I seriously feel I can't make a decision on anything for the life of me anymore. I would think he would understand, and be respectful about this for them and me. But all he sees is that he isn't wanted.
He has already called me 4 times this morning telling me how hurt he is, and that he feels I am making up stories, and that it's my fault because I make him think and feel that way, because he thinks I give "excuses". I'm saying it's reasons. Again he feels I'm hiding something. I told him, I need to put my kids first this Holiday... .it's not about me or him, it's about them.
Basically, by the end of the conversation, he said he's done with me... .and this time it's for real. Our almost 6 yr history has been his constant jealousy and constant mistrust of me, with absolutely no reason for it. The past 3 months have been the worse.  I have taken him back several times. Even after he accused me of awful things, cheating, drugs etc. Even went so far as calling my friends to tell them and accuse them as well, and has texted my daughter about a drug addiction he was positive I had.
 Always with the end result of him feeling riddled with guilt, tears, sorrow etc. And me feeling bad and somehow being able to push my own hurt aside to try to help him, and make it all better again. When he's good, he's awesome... .but when he's bad... .it's awful! And lately, I see more bad and on going neediness, possessiveness, and paranoia. And after each time anymore, I just can't seem to shake it off and forget as easily as before. I'm truly tormented.

I'm so exhausted with his daily mood swings, and constant mistrust of me. I just don't know how to make it better any more. He keeps saying I don't try, & he says he always feels like an outsider, and I never put his feelings first. I am constantly defending myself, and constantly have anxiety that I may say or do something wrong.

I feel my brain is so screwed up that I know that what I'm asking is rational, however, when he keeps cutting me off in mid sentence and grilling my every word, I sound like a fool, and I'm studdering, and he sees that as I am hiding something. I told him flat out, that it doesn't matter who did or does what anymore, we just don't get along. His answer was of course that it's because of me.

I am also going away next week with my girlfriends, and he keeps bringing this up in a bad way as well. It's my own fault at this point... .not like I didn't know, or wasn't warned by everyone here at this board. Just not sure of the direction I need to go now. I'm very bad at using my words anymore... .I just tend to clam up, or flip. I hate it!

[bobcat2014]

It has been a challenging few weeks... .that I thought he really is willing to change and now he will understand.

 Am I wrong, or selfish in my thinking? Please be honest, because I seriously feel I can't make a decision on anything for the life of me anymore. I would think he would understand, and be respectful about this for them and me.

When he's good, he's awesome... .but when he's bad... .it's awful! And lately, I see more bad and on going neediness, possessiveness, and paranoia. And after each time anymore, I just can't seem to shake it off and forget as easily as before. I'm truly tormented.

I'm so exhausted ... .I am constantly defending myself, and constantly have anxiety that I may say or do something wrong.

I feel my brain is so screwed up that I know that what I'm asking is rational, .

... .I just tend to clam up, or flip. I hate it!

I am very sorry you are going through this, especially around the holidays. I totally get the hope you have in waiting for a true change. Hope is what get's me through some days after 20+ years. I have often wondered if I am more screwed in the head than she is, at this point... .but trying to work on that:)

Remember,this BPD, and when they are "good" it just seems very good for everyone. I struggle with this same thing and attribute this to my own enmeshment issues. These folks will eventually wear you down and emotionally drain you dry. It will always be about them and they lack the capacity to empathize that others have needs as well. It sucks to double think every single word before you can speak, knowing anything you say, can and will be held against you later. You are not selfish or anything else for having needs. Don't let a BPD or anyone else ever tell you different.

I wish I could say he will change or eventually be able to validate your needs and emotions. There are some "success stories" and the tools here can help minimize the chaos, but it still remains a lonely and high conflict relationship.

How much more can you take? I hope you don't have to find out your limit. A BPD r/s is one of the toughest things you will ever endure in life. When you step back and look at the path you have walked, you will see the strength you possess.

Hang in there, Roselee.

[Roselee]

Thank you Bobcat2014!

Your words ring so true to me.  I can only hope that my entire Holiday won't be ruin.  He tends to do this to me on Holidays.  Maybe this time when he says he will leave me be and not call me (like the usual 20 -30 times and multiple texts) he will be true.

I don't know how somehow, me inviting him for our actual Thanksgiving celebration on Friday turned bad.  And that he automatically assumed I was hiding something or having a celebration with someone else.  The constant arguing is awful anymore... .and it gets turned that it's my fault. I don't like the person I've become anymore... .I have no patience, I get annoyed easily, I'm tired and want to sleep all the time!

You deserve more than I could say in your time you have spent, 20+ years with your BPD.  I'm glad you are here for me, and others... .as well as yourself!

Thank you again!

[ArleighBurke]

Am I wrong, or selfish in my thinking? Please be honest, because I seriously feel I can't make a decision on anything for the life of me anymore.

FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. You are second guessing EVERYTHING you think because you are worried about his reaction, you BELIEVE his words when he tells you that you are selfish.

This is an unhealthy place to be in the relationship.

It sounds like you have tried and tried this relationship. Holidays are certainly difficult for a BPD, but he is unlikely to change. You can't take his good without his bad. How much is your own sanity worth?

[thefarside]

Roselee - Your response to Bobcat covers the reason that really finally got me moving and into setting a HUGE boundary - separation - and that was I had become someone I did not like and I was doing things that were no longer in line with my values, all that just to cope and exist with the BPD.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Here is my highly opinionated answer to your situation - RUN!  Run fast, run away, and don't look back!

Now that that's out of the way... . I am ending a 2 decade relationship with a BPD.  I had a LOT of hope that he would change and it's always the same seesaw stuff with them.  Everything is the partner's fault, not the BPDs; they promise change only when they feel an imminent threat of abandonment whether real or perceived.  Mine made some amazing decisions, things that I and kids had plead for for years, as soon as I separated from him.  But his love and respect for me alone wasn't a motivator, it was about his own great fears of loss.  That speaks volumes.

So change your perspective.  Look at him in the sense of how he perceives the relationship: is he looking at it in the sense of "what can I do for her?  I love her, I don't want to lose her!" or is he saying "oh my gosh she isn't doing x, y, or z for me and abandonment is going to engulf me!  I NEED her because I lack my own individual identity!"  One of those two drives a BPD.  The last thing a BPD is, is independent.  Here is a FANTASTIC quote I read on this site the other day.  This is what happened to me, and I couldn't have worded it better.

"It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through [his]her predatory "event horizon.""

[Roselee]

Thank you all for all your words and wisdom!  I really do need it and look for your strength that goes with it!

I do feel confident in my decision about the Holiday, especially after my daughter was asking about him last night.  She said to me that she will never care about his feelings, however, if I love him and choose to have him in my life, she will support me with my decision.  How smart and strong she is for 19!  I envy her! I used to be like that too!

I received a phone call from him this morning, with him still trying to understand, and putting the guilt on me,  a text as well saying "sorry I wanted to see you for the Holiday" "sorry I care about you" "sorry I want to be with you".  He just isn't getting the point.

I told him I was also still upset because on Sunday I had to go to my daughters college (an hr 1/2 away) because she was being inducted into the Honor's society. He didn't go, because 1st, she confided in me that she would feel uncomfortable with seeing him for the first time in 3 months. When she last saw him, it was the beginning of a really bad breakup. He was accusing me of sleeping with friends husbands, and being addicted to cocaine. Contacted her saying I needed to get into rehab. Contacted the police because he was certain that I was planning on having him killed and making it look like a suicide... .because he thought I had done it before (I had a boyfriend in the past that committed suicide)
Anyway... .he didn't believe that I was going to her ceremony... .so he called the college for details on it, and the girl who answered didn't know... .so he went off and wanted to know where I was really going.

And now, he is sending me texts of pictures of diamond earrings... .asking "what about these"  ?  What the heck does that mean. 
He is first telling me we are done, & to have a good life then apologizing about stuff... now shopping for me?

It's so true that I have the whole FOG issue!  I hate it... .how can I purge that out of me?  It's that charming side that tends to melts at me. I have to learn to stay focused on me.

[Roselee]

On another point.  Farside, you pointed out a good point as well, about how he looks at our relationship.  He is constantly telling me or asking me "what do you do for me" "you never have time for me" "you don't care about my feelings". Saying, "I love you and you don't really care about me"

All of this is so untrue. I have gone with him to Doctor's, I have bought books for him, I have bought supplements for him.  And not to mention, I have taken him back time and again.

I told him although he has been very generous to me and my girls, with fixing their cars, and doing a lot of work at my house etc... .I told him, he is a bad giver... .he gives and does these things, but when we argue, he is the first to say "after all the things I've done for you, all the work, I've done" "all the money I've saved you".  Then when he tells me to tell him one thing I've done for him... .I tell him I don't keep a list like him. And that I can't do anything for him anyway, because he would criticize it anyway.

 

[Roselee]

Well, i am hoping to move to the detaching board again. My Holiday was so stressful and just as I thought would happen my BPDbf went out of his mind with anger yesterday.

He was already unhappy because I didn't think it a good idea for him to spend the night with my girls home, since this was the first time seeing him in almost 4 months, and during that time they had seen me quite upset and in turmoil over his accusations and anger towards me.

I thought this a good first step. He was obviously nervous about coming, but came a bit late because seems like he's been doing nothing but sleeping. He was saying comments because we were celebrating a day later due to my daughter's work schedule, he wasnt really believing that. He kept saying comments that we had Thanksgiving on Thursday, but "someone else was invited". Really bazaar!

So, he came back on Saturday and came with me to a party, and that went well, although I was nervous. He left for his house again that night. Then on Sunday, all hell broke loose. After talking to him, and hearing that familiar tone in his voice, I offered, however didn't push, going over to his house. He kept asking how long of a window of a visit would be given. My girls were leaving for school again, so at some point I wanted to get back. I decided and told him that I now have no desire to go over, because I feel it would just wind up being bad. Plus he sounded like he had already been drinking or smoking.

The rest of the day, my phone was blowing up with his nasty texts, and voicemails. Cursing, yelling, making fun... .and so on.
Today, I don't know how I feel, except exhausted. I am totally mentally drained and do not want to go thru another holiday with the anxiety I had this weekend. At the same time I am sad that the relationship he had with my girls prior will never be there again.
My daughters, I guess support me, but at the same time, they are confused and upset that I would put up with and accept his behavior towards me. And they don't even know the half of it. They know that if they had a boyfriend that treated them like that, that I would go nuts.
My girlfriend said to stop making excuses for him, that yes, he may be a good person, but he's not a good boyfriend.

It's just so draining the same conflicts & fights over and over. His same jealousy, paranoia, and trust issues, constantly thinking I'm lying. Then the self pity comes in, and I almost feel guilty for his pain. But, his promises of telling me he wants to change, have become mute. If anything his garbage dumping is more so, and is his anger.

I have to try to forget the charming side of him, the gentle, generous side.  I haven't seen it very often like before... .I just see his broken promises. His accusations of telling me I never have time for him, and that he's sorry he just wants to be with me. And how sorry he is for "being too much for me".  The guilt he piles on me is heavy.

I hope and pray that I stay strong this time, and realize that I can no longer live like this. I need to be the example my girls knew me to be. The strong woman I was and want to be again. She's starting to peak her head out ... .just looking for the rope to pull her back out.