Classic BPD behaviour

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I haven't posted on this site for a long time but tonights "happenings" were so bizarre I just have to let it out!

We picked up gd aged 14 from school late this afternoon as arranged after 3 days of school camp (because her BPD mother didn't think it was her responsibility despite the fact she says we do nothing for gd! ). Dad lives about a 2hr drive away in peak traffic and we are about 45 minutes away. We don't mind as we love to see gd and have a chat.

Gd gets in the car and shows me her foot. It's red swollen  and obviously  infected. I chat about what to do and suggest  a visit to the dr would be a good idea. We drop her off at her mother's  flat say good bye and head off home.

Twenty minutes later I get a phone call from a very tearful gd saying "mummy won't  take me to the dr she's  angry can you please take me?" So we turn around go back and collect gd and take her to see the dr.

Gd is very tearful in the car. She says mummy says we are selfish to suggest she should  take gd to the dr! I reassured gd and told her she'd done the right thing.

But I guess like most of us I am flabbergasted by BPD exdil words.
1) We do nothing for gd- when obviously we went out of our way  (45 minutes each way) to take gd on a 10 minute journey home because she couldnt be bothered making the 10 minute journey  herself.

2) we are selfish when we did said journey then turned  around and took gd to the dr and i might add paid for that visit + medications. Who's selfish?

Gd has decided to stay the night at our house just to get away from the anger.

I know there's not a lot that we can do or say and I'm not angry just flabbergasted at the "queen" sitting there expecting everyone to sort her problems and when they do not a word of thanks just insults! I guess it's just textbook  BPD behaviour but it still takes me by surprise when it happens.

[mother in law]

I haven't posted on this site for a long time but tonights "happenings" were so bizarre I just have to let it out!

We picked up gd aged 14 from school late this afternoon as arranged after 3 days of school camp (because her BPD mother didn't think it was her responsibility despite the fact she says we do nothing for gd! ). Dad lives about a 2hr drive away in peak traffic and we are about 45 minutes away. We don't mind as we love to see gd and have a chat.

Gd gets in the car and shows me her foot. It's red swollen  and obviously  infected. I chat about what to do and suggest  a visit to the dr would be a good idea. We drop her off at her mother's  flat say good bye and head off home.

Twenty minutes later I get a phone call from a very tearful gd saying "mummy won't  take me to the dr she's  angry can you please take me?" So we turn around go back and collect gd and take her to see the dr.

Gd is very tearful in the car. She says mummy says we are selfish to suggest she should  take gd to the dr! I reassured gd and told her she'd done the right thing.

But I guess like most of us I am flabbergasted by BPD exdil words.
1) We do nothing for gd- when obviously we went out of our way  (45 minutes each way) to take gd on a 10 minute journey home because she couldnt be bothered making the 10 minute journey  herself.

2) we are selfish when we did said journey then turned  around and took gd to the dr and i might add paid for that visit + medications. Who's selfish?

Gd has decided to stay the night at our house just to get away from the anger.

I know there's not a lot that we can do or say and I'm not angry just flabbergasted at the "queen" sitting there expecting everyone to sort her problems and when they do not a word of thanks just insults! I guess it's just textbook  BPD behaviour but it still takes me by surprise when it happens.

[Panda39]

If this were the pwBPD in my life she would have been embarrassed that she did not appear to all the world as the perfect mom.

My guess is that your exdil was projecting her feelings about herself on to you because she can't manage her feelings.  All of her criticism is about her not you.  Don't take it personally (I know not always easy)

Thank goodness you were there to help your granddaughter!    Keep your focus on your granddaughter it's important to have healthy people in her life.

Panda39

[mother in law]

Thanks panda. I no longer take it personally. I do however think how can she look at her daughter's infected foot and then refuse to do anything about it. I guess there is an element of guilt/ embarrassment of her behavior but why is it all about them? That no longer makes me mad either I just don't really understand it.

And my gd -i don't think she will come out of it unscathed but we can just try. I had a few talks with her last night about how when we we get cross with her is because  we love her and how we'd like her to have a great and happy life and we are trying to guide her towards that. I also praised her for calling on help an that when people are very angry it's often better to just walk away and let the person think about their actions as arguing  back can escalate the situation.
I also told her that she needs to talk to her dad about things that are difficult and rightly or wrongly that a few years ago i made a decision that i would never be treated badly again by anyone (i didn't mention any names or why) and that i wouldn't buy into the situation but i didn't want to be treated like it anymore. This was in reference to a recent day when she was very moody just like her mother.

I hope this makes sense. It actually  turned out to be a beneficial  situation to talk to her.

[david]

It's black and white thinking. She did not discover the swollen foot so she is a bad parent. (in her mind) She needs to project that and since you initiated it you are the one that gets the blame. She maintains her good mom image in her own head. It's a very primal instinct/defense mechanism. Think two year old and it makes more sense.
On a positive note your gd sounds like she is learning how to deal with her mom. She is also learning she can't depend/trust her mom. Not an ideal situation but it is better to accept reality than to pretend it doesn't exist. She is finding alternative sources to look for support/guidance.

[david]

We have a boy in 7th grade. He doesn't do his school work when at his mom's. I tried reasoning with her years ago. I finally went to court. I signed and dated every homework he did with me. She signed and dated the ones he did at her place because of what I was doing. I filed for more custodial time and my reason was mom doesn't help our boys with their schoolwork. She used legal delays so that it took close to three years to get inside a courtroom. I copied every homework for that time period. I made a single sheet of paper explaining the pile below. The boys did over 90% of all their homework when with me and I only saw them EOW and one day during the week. About half of our youngest (he was in 3rd,4th, and part of 5th grade during this time) schoolwork at his mom's was either incomplete or incorrect. I got more time.
A few weeks later she was yelling at our youngest because, "Your father made me look like the bad guy in court. I already went through grade school and I am not doing that again." That was what she said to our youngest. Both boys told me about it and quoted her.

[mother in law]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I guess I know in my heart everything  you have said is true and I wasn't angry upset, or hurt but when it happens you just think "WOW" did that really happen. I have learned to take it all with a grain of salt!

[david]

We have 50/50 for the Christmas holidays. Ex makes the schedule and as long at it meets the order I agree. It makes life easier that way.
Anyway, she was supposed to pick them up at 2pm. She is always late so that was expected. I was going to ss's party (her son from her first marriage). His mom was not invited. How's that for a wow.
I get a text from our s13 at 11:45 pm. He says he is hungry and mom said she was going to make dinner at least four hours ago but then went upstairs to sleep. Another wow. I figure I'm okay as long as these things don't make sense to me.