Holiday trigger support thread

[kc sunshine]

I suppose it is no accident that I relapsed right before the holidays. Who's up for a holiday trigger support thread? How can we support each other?

[Duped 1]

Can we all meet somewhere and have dinner together? that would really help . I'm really struggling too. Random tears come and go. So much suffering at the hands of such a selfish and compassionless person who wasn't even good to me .

[kc sunshine]

oh man, me too. the worst.

And mine is still together with the person she started seeing only two weeks after we broke up, and moved in after 6 weeks, seemingly breaking every rule in the book but she seems so happy. 

let's meet for virtual dinner <3.

Can we all meet somewhere and have dinner together? that would really help . I'm really struggling too. Random tears come and go. So much suffering at the hands of such a selfish and compassionless person who wasn't even good to me .

[tammym1972]

I've been really depressed, missing my old life when I lived with XBPDbf. I spent all the holidays with his family. I can picture them all together tomorrow and it really sucks. Been crying and so depressed.

[Skyglass]

Oh thank God someone started this thread before I did!
Yep! I'm right there with all of you. This will be the first thanksgiving (and upcoming holiday season) that my BPD ex and I won't be spending together. We always spent it with his family. Today, I was buying groceries for a thanksgiving meal to fix for myself and realized in the store that the only reason I was buying this stuff was b/c we were no longer together. Totally sucks. Also, thought about how he has probably got a replacement and is charming her the way he charmed me and they are sharing their 1st TG with each other with his family. He could never spend a holiday alone. He was always adamant about that. I started feeling nauseous and having an anxiety attack thinking about him in the store. Ughhh!
And yes, so much useless suffering. I realize that not only did he discard US as a couple but he also discarded my relationship with his family. I've never talked to him since, nor his family or friends. Totally cut off. I know now that it's for the better but... .it still stings. Still got the rest of the holiday season to go through.

[tammym1972]

I feel the same way skyglass. Was getting anxiety at the grocery store when I saw things that reminds me of him.

[JJacks0]

Sign me up for this thread too, please. 

I've had a major relapse. I'm sure it's holiday induced and also because a part of me probably thought we'd have a better relationship by now (I may be cycling through denial again).

It's so crazy how similar our experiences are. I was at the grocery store today and felt sad also. I saw flowers and thought about how we'd bring them home for each other and saw different food I'd usually pick up for her. Just seeing couples/families there together made me so sad.

She always celebrated Thanksgiving with my family since her family members were usually working. I just don't even want to show up alone tomorrow. I keep hoping that she's feeling the same way I do. It honestly seems so hard to believe that she wouldn't... .but I know that's assuming that her mind works the same way that mine does. And it doesn't.

Wishing everyone the best in these upcoming days, weeks, and months.

[CooperD]

I'm British and in the UK so although thanksgiving is not part of my tradition it does trigger a lot in me with my BPD being american.

It was thanksgiving 2011 when she flew to Madrid (I was living there at the time) and we agreed to meet having spoken online on a band forum.  I remember standing in the freezing cold at midnight waiting for her to come out of the tube station in her sparkle dress. 

She told me that this thanksgiving she was going to cook an american feast at the apartment and invite all my friends/family. Instead she is 5000 miles away, no longer speaking to me with divorce papers filed.  The pain is so overwhelming.

[Indifferent28]

Great thread I wish we could all give virtual meals together and just hangout with one another. I think it would really help.

My ex is also with her girl friend today.
I don't have much family here so I'm by myself today. Kind of hard considering even on holidays I wasn't physically with her, I felt joy in the holiday itself knowing I had her.

All you guys stay strong. These winter times and holidays are the worst for missing someone.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Me too, I wish we could have a big meal together. This sucks. I usually love thanksgiving but not this year.

[myself]

The last time she and I were together was Thanksgiving a couple of years ago. We spent that evening expressing our thanks for each other, our love, our plans for the marriage and family that was right around the corner. But with this disorder, that was too much intimacy, too much of an actual chance, too... .Close. The next day, she started dysregulating again, and the day after that moved out again and we've not seen each other since.

It took a while longer for it to completely crumble, but the negative and painful patterns continued and I found I had to choose to walk away. I don't feel as broken up about it anymore (understanding leading to acceptance), but on some levels do still miss her and what could have been. I'm thankful for what we shared, the personal growth that has come from it, and hope she's been able to find some peace in her life somehow.

Here's to all of you, too. Hang in there. Believe in yourselves.

[Tobiasfunke]

I used to love the holidays with her and her family so much. I have been doing better as of late. Hardly ruminating not getting upset about her lack of pulling her share with the kids and what not. But since about a week now more things have been gnawing at me and its got to be the holidays. They just make everything raw again. Now I will put these feelings away and enjoy this great time of year with the people I love and hope all you guys come up for air and enjoy the season. This is the ONLY place I vent or talk about these things because I know you all understand exactly how it is.

[Foolsgold]

I've been really depressed, missing my old life when I lived with XBPDbf. I spent all the holidays with his family. I can picture them all together tomorrow and it really sucks. Been crying and so depressed.

I feel your pain

[FallBack!Monster]

Not until after the break up, found out she's actually an excellent cook. Loves to cook. But for another. Never made not a scrambled eggs for me. Thought about her all  thru Thanksgiving day. Now writing about her.  wished How we could cook together and whatnot. Shes very creative. Sure she would have created a wonderful meal. Maybe did but not for me.  All day wishing BPD didn't own her.
Otherwise,
Must not forget to give thanks for what you do have. For those who truly see me. She can't see me. Thought she did. She thinks I'm somebody else. She thinks I'm her. I'm not. I am me.

[tammym1972]

Thank you Fools Gold. It's good to know I'm not alone.