Help ... Caught in a Double Bind Situation

[Artemis_bpd]

Hope you can help me find a way out of this double bind situation my uBPDp has put me into. I feel trapped. It started during his "giving" phase, he gave me lots of attention and validation. Thinking he was still being generous with his attention, I continued as I am, asked for a little validation for my work. He suddenly accused me of being manipulative and abusing his generosity. So I stopped asking. When I stopped asking and silenced myself, he accused me of making him feel guilty. So I am caught in this double bind, damned if I do, damned if I don't. i am now painted "black" , the evil side of me that he shuts off. He has been acting really bizarre lately, imagining almost every act of mine as threatening to his sanity. If I distance myself, I will be seen as abandoning him, if I continue as normal, he will think I am after him. I don't know where to place myself now. Is there a way out of this double bind?

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[Notwendy]

Hi Artemis, the double binds are frustrating. From my experience, the way through them is steady, middle ground, not reactive ( while not tolerating abuse).

In the storm of emotion, ( that can have nothing to do with you) there seems to be a need for a reason outside of themselves. Sometimes the reason was the first thing they can think of. This sort of thing used to upset me more, because I wanted a reason I could "fix" but it seemed that fixing a reason could bring about another reason. This is because the emotion was still there- despite my trying to fix it- because it wasn't mine to fix.

We can't fix someone else's feelings.

If someone is in an emotional storm, it is best if we keep steady, like a ship on wavy water. The waves are there, but we can't just drift in reaction to them. Steady and calm in the storm often lets the storm resolve on its own. There will probably be more emotional storms,  but we don't have to let them sway us.

Idealization is a wonderful feeling, but we know it isn't the only reality. Neither is being painted black. Reality is probably a combination of all that an in between. Asking for validation is difficult. pwBPD can not validate themselves- so how can they validate someone else. Sometimes we nons are not able to validate ourselves either, but we can learn how.

[Artemis_bpd]

Thanks for your reply NotWendy.
I tried to look for the logic, then I learned that there is no logic for the pBPD.
Thank you too for the insight that a pBPD cannot give validation because they are just simply incapable of it even to themselves.
And another learning of mine, based on that is that he is cunning, he saw into my need for approval and validation and he uses that to manipulate me, the latest and most desperate scheme of all is this double bind.