Why The Need For Constant Conflict?

[Duped 1]

When I was w my ex GF she would constantly be starting fights for no apparent reason. Every 2 or 3 days it seemed we would be fighting and she would then complain that we fought too much. I said: "quit starting so many fights and why start fights for no reason". I also remember asking her if she even desired being content and happy as she seemed to need to be in conflict or complaining or criticizing, etc. She once said: when I quit complaining our relationship is in big trouble" so this was her norm to constantly nitpick and complain. In the end we broke up because we fought too much. Go figure

Any thoughts on the apparent need for near constant conflict and complaining?

[stimpy]

Do you know much about her childhood?

My uexBPDgf was the same, always starting arguments, pushing boundaries for no reason etc... .And the reason I think is that was what was "normal" for her. Her upbringing was all about conflict and arguments and pushing boundaries and that is where she feels comfortable. So if there was calm and quietness, she would start an argument out of nowhere.

Drama and crisis are normal, calmness and quietness were not.

[jrharvey]

I could have written this myself. This is perfect. I think everyone here feels the same way. My girlfriend often fights about nothing. She could call me, I could answer saying "Hey babe what's up!" in a very happy voice. Then she could say something nasty like... ."What are you doing? Are you with some girls? Are you doing something wrong"?. When I no I'm not doing anything wrong and I don't want to be talked to like that... .All of a sudden that starts a fight. Apparently I am not being soft enough for her haha. She will often say... Its just a question and you don't have to treat me like crap. And I say I wasn't doing anything wrong and wont be treated like crap with you. Then its all out war.

[Duped 1]

I don't know a lot about her childhood but I believe it was pretty healthy. Her parents and siblings seem very kind. She appears to be the outlier.

[Kelli Cornett]

Obviously raised by wolves. They parents hide it.

[Oncebitten]

my ex always seemed to thrive on the chaos... .not sure why... .just couldn't handle being happy for too long.  Its that fear of engulfment I suppose.  That cause them to start fights and push people away.  While the fear of abandonment causes them to draw people in... .in between the two is chaos, and their condition forces them to live there.

[sad but wiser]

Letitbe:  Hahaha

I think your gf's problems with fighting have to do with serious insecurity and a need for constant attention to reassure her that she is there.  Sounds, weird, I know, but even non BPD girls struggle with this one, so if she is BPD, forget it!  You can never satisfy the needs, because they will always enlarge.
As for a regular girl, tell her you love her, tell her she is beautiful, tell her your troubles and desires... .every day.  That's it.  YW

[Duped 1]

Once Bitten- I suppose it is part of the push/pull. Pure insanity if you ask me. She just couldn't handle being content and there always had to be something wrong. What a nightmare. I'm so fortunate I didn't marry that as I bet it would have only gotten worse. What a way to live. Yuck

[Duped 1]

Do you think the constant conflict is part of push/pull, devaluation, or both?

[Oncebitten]

Duped

In my r/s the push/pull led to or created conflict.  Initially I didnt understand it... .she'd pull me in close then push me away suddenly without reasonm. This would upset me and drive me crazy, creating conflict.  Eventually I learned what was going on and could work through it. Here lately its gotten even more dramatic and I have reverted to my old behaviors... .trying to fix iy immediately.  But I cant fix her.

[Duped 1]

How did she push you away? We fought so much that we were always back and forth.

[Oncebitten]

she pushes me away either through a fight or just acts cold for days at a time
She is also fond of blocking me without cause just because she is upset.  she does it because she knows it bothers me more than anything.  When she wants me to hurt... .she cuts off contact with me.

[JerryRG]

I thought my ex did this to distract from her feelings, she could only repress and compartmentalize for so long then she would develope another strange illness or depression and stay in bed for days or weeks. She seemed to get psychotic sometimes when her stress levels got higher. Couldn't handle anything. If our son cried out just because he was tired she would get hyper nervous and distract from his noises. She couldn't handle any sort of stress, always on the edge of disaster or chaos.

[Oncebitten]

Jerry

Does/did she take it out on you?  That seems to be the pattern.  If life is good we are good... .but if there is any extra stress in her life, not usually related to me... .she takes it out on me.  All of my faults become center stage.

[JerryRG]

My ex clung to me, I was expected to supply all the attention/validation and she basically tried isolating me from everyone else, there were few others in her life to take things out on. Since she wanted me with her 24/7 I got the brunt of her wrath. I couldn't keep up with the list of problems and she never could deal with anything. A simple thing like taking her pills at the right time? I bought her pill bars and she wouldn't use them. Oops forgot this pill, oh, looks like I will be up all night, wink, smile. Guess who's going to bed alone and waking up with the baby in the morning? Never any consistent day to day functioning, chaos every single day. I was raising 2 children

[Duped 1]

All stress and anything bad was always taken out on me regardless of if it had anything to do with me. I was the emotional punching bag

[Oncebitten]

Duped

precisely right... .anything bad was taken out on me.  emotional punching bag is a good term