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Author Topic: You can do it  (Read 450 times)
Frenchgirl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: November 27, 2016, 03:16:49 AM »

NEED TO TELL MY STORY.  NOTHING MORE.  I AM DETACHED NOW.

It is my first post but I have found this website about 8 months ago and it helped me a lot to understand what was going on in my life.  I would like to thank you all for that.  He is not diagnosed borderline but he has all the symptoms (he said his therapist said he was unipolar).

I too felt head first in love 9 months ago with this incredible guy, loving, smart, gorgeous man and the sex was just incredible, unreal (that was the hook).  I met him on a social/outing website "Urbeez" in France.  I realised very quickly that something was not normal.  Too late to detach and I was like most of you in this rollercoaster, recycling cercle (about 5 recycles). 

I read a lot about it on this website and at each recycle I thought I was going to be able to handle it but didn't. Still  The splitting still occured. The love/hate circle were very quick... .In space of one two weeks it was over, then parading with his new girlfriend 2 days later if he didn't try to kill himself before... .then he will come back 3 to 6 weeks later. It hurts each time.

He didn't like my boundaries (we were not living together), and I needed time off to see my friends. With him it was all or nothing.  And all, it means all.  All my time and thoughts should be dedicated to him, which was impossible.  I need to breath and take some time off to see my friends, which he seems to agree but each time it escalated when I was seeing them, receiving endless text messages starting with "enjoy your evening with your friends" to the most hurtfull insults, paranoia til "I am going to kill myself and it is all your fault".  And he did try to kill himself 3 times... .  (medication, coma hospital etc... .).  I saw him when he was in crises. He would cry non stop after seeing that he could not control me... .It was really heartbreaking... .and it is in these situations I realised that it is too much to handle.

I was not going to give up my life for him.  I was dying inside.  I could not take him with me anymore when I was with my friends (he knows them) as he already made a smear campaign the first two weeks I met him and they do not want to see him...

I thought I could help him after ordering few books on dialectic therapy.  In France we do not have such therapy.  He is seeing a therapist in the last 10 years but clearly he still has issues.

 
Well, in the last recycle, he realised that he could not break my boundaries and he detached himself to find the next few days a very maliable girlfriend... . 

I think I have done everything in my power to try to help him... .   It is been 3 months now... .and he told me never to contact me as we are not good for each other... .I can see that he is having the same issues with his new girlfriends... .and I am very happy to be out of it... .  I was such a trigger for him that he would have ended up killing himself and It would be very hard to live with it.

After 3 months, he is now starting  sending messages like "how are you?".
I am not going back. The NC help me a lot to detach.  And you know what ? the sex that was incredible just disappear in your memory with time.  The bad times overcame the good time... .   and the life continue... .  I have try my best, done everything in my power, it didn't work.  Stop.

I am happy now to be out of it.






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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10284



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« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2016, 01:33:25 PM »

Hi Frenchgirl,

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. Thank you for deciding to sign up after having lurked the forums for a fews, I'm really happy to hear that you found it beneficial for you and that it helped you detach from a pwBPD.

Many of us don't have someone in real life that believe all of the crazy making behaviors that they're subjected to in a r/s with a pwBPD. A line that I don't think I'll ever forget is "We'll you must of done something to deserve that!", I didn't think that my ex was mentally ill, not many that were close to me can spot mental illness.

Excerpt
I was dying inside

I can relate with this. It felt like each day that passed I was slowly becoming more miserable and the future looked pretty bleak because I felt like I was in something that nobody else understood or had gone through what I was going through, I really thought that the situation was unique, I felt like was going crazy. That being said.

I appreciate that you took the time to share with us, many of us many not have someone in real life that is supportive or that believe us, believing someone goes a long way. Your wisdom, combined with everyone else's wisdom here is a pretty amazing thing, it gives us hope. Thank you for your story, it will help a fellow sister or brother out.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
IamGrey

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 39


« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2016, 01:36:31 PM »

Nice one FG!
Consciously I'm well over the needy waif, just need the subconscious to catch up!
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woundedPhoenix
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Very Single
Posts: 241


« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2016, 01:48:24 PM »

Consciously I'm well over the needy waif, just need the subconscious to catch up!

Those supressed negative memories, and that dark shadow lurking underneath still longing to be brought back to live.

I just found out that this is probably why recovery is like an upwards spiral that alternates between good and bad days. Each time you gain a bit of yourself back, the subconscious catches up and releases some more suppressed goods.
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IamGrey

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 39


« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2016, 02:27:29 PM »

Those supressed negative memories, and that dark shadow lurking underneath still longing to be brought back to live.

I just found out that this is probably why recovery is like an upwards spiral that alternates between good and bad days. Each time you gain a bit of yourself back, the subconscious catches up and releases some more suppressed goods.

Perfectly put, pal.
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lovenature
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 731


« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2016, 12:57:57 AM »

Welcome Frenchgirl

You have been given good advice by fellow members, I would like to add that you should expect recovery to be non-linear; just when you think you have things figured out and are doing better, you may find yourself backtracking, Don't worry, this is normal and best if you accept whatever thoughts and feelings you have at whatever time you have them.
You're doing well, keep going.
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Frenchgirl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2016, 04:41:29 AM »

Thank you.  Yes I was given good advice here.  I try to be strong, and I know my weaknesses... .  I now avoid the places I used to go as I know from friends he is now hanging there with his new girlfriend.  I remember once, when he painted me black... I said I would appreciate if he would not parade with his new girlfriend in front of me a week after he splitted, in places he would never go before, just because he knows I going there.  To which he replied "Grow up, stop manipulating people, don't tell me what I should do or go".

What was the most painful in this relationship was that all my time, thoughts were directed towards him... .Endless phonecalls, all the dramas that would never stop, all the paranoia... .then all of a sudden, nothing... .the void... .no phone calls, nothing and you feel like rejected after all the time you tried to help him... .   And he comes back before the addiction of this drama is over... .

NC is the rule... .You have time to detach from this drama and see that life is far much better without it.  Well, I haven't physically seen him as I avoid the places I used to go... .  But I am fine.  I do not suffer not to see him, I do not miss him. 
But this relationship was the most "fatal, destructive, passionate, crazy" relationship I have ever had... .  yes, really... .


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pgri8684
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 54



« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2016, 11:31:09 AM »

Hello Frenchgirl and welcome here... .

Every story is so different but nevertheless we all feel the same.
We miss the intensity, the intimacy, the fantasy. Perhaps we even miss the drama because it was an opportunity to be useful, helpful and compassionate.
I'm lucky because I never was the victim of physical or verbal abuse. She just sabotages her own life and whoever lives with her has the same future.
Because of an overlapping circle of friends and colleagues I know it's very difficult to maintain no contact or very low contact. There is also a lot of places or events I choose not to go to because she might be there.

But be sure that time heals... .

Pgri


(if you want and find it easier you can PM me in French)
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