How did knowing about BPD affect your relationship?

[kc sunshine]

In some ways, knowing about BPD really helped my relationship. It gave me some good tools to address the conflicts (don't escalate, validate) and helped me put our conflicts and the devaluations, splitting, and discards into perspective.

In other ways, though, it made me deeply and fundamentally conflicted about the relationship in ways that influenced my decision-making about it and that I'm sure she could sense. Also, I was only rarely able to talk about it with her. When we were good, we could talk about the rages and coming back together after them, as well as improve how we did it. What we couldn't really talk about was the relationship arc-- that idealization, devaluation, and discard cycle that so spooked me. We talked about it once when we were thinking about getting back together once and she acknowledged that it was a risk but that all relationships are risky. All her relationships ended badly so I couldn't ease my mind with stories of good endings-- she's in a relationship now that seems good and strong. Even though it is hard for me to witness, perhaps it will do something towards making me understand her differently (and apart from BPD?)

How about you all? How did knowing about BPD affect your relationships?

[woundedPhoenix]

Honestly, she was in therapy for 3 years already before devaluation happened.

And up until then, i was in denial partially. I once i a while joint her in therapy and followed up how it went.

There were ofcourse moments of conflict and deregulation, but we worked through them, and in hindsight a lot of the conflict that was brewing was fought out through triangulation, about the kids, about my ex, ... .

The push and pull was there too, but she also had bipolar and some stuff happening in life that affected her too, so i kind of misinterpretted that often as "depression".

I must admit i mostly saw the good, i sometimes describe it to my therapist like i was bathing in a nicely hot warm water well, not knowing of the vulcano underneath that was bound to blow up.

I must credit my ex though that despite the conditions she struggled with, she managed to do so much for the family we were, taking care of a joined household of 6 kids. Whatever mood she was in, she soldiered on.

Only after a therapy session that went horrible wrong and a failed suicide attempt my eyes went wide open.

I wonder if the denial actually helped the relationship survive. Cause when i learned it all, and started to try out all the tools and started to look for "solutions", it only made matters worse... .

[kc sunshine]

Yeah, that's exactly what I mean... .Because once I "knew" it was almost like we were doomed in my mind, even as I was trying so hard to stay together.

[woundedPhoenix]

Yeah... .it's the suicide attempt and the 'knowing' that eroded my rather solid boundaries that i had before.

I got scared - with good reason ofcourse - and lost my self in the process, but i don't think that continued denial would have saved the relationship ultimately, it probably would just have prolonged the magmabuildup into an even bigger supervolcano.

I wished i would have known a bit more though, so that i would have not made certain mistakes earlier on. Positive things that i was expecting or accepting of her that she simply would not have been able to sustain... .she made sacrifices too that looking back i would have stopped her from making.

[FallBack!Monster]

How about you all? How did knowing about BPD affect your relationships?   
When I saw this my eyes open up big. It's what I was thinking and some of the comment is like you guys are reading my mind.
Since I last post. My bf (let's call him E) has been trying to come around. He didn't ask me to be his gf again but he keeping in touch more often, taking me out and things like that. I try not to visit here much but I can't help it sometimes because, i feel if he want to try again I won't give it a chance do to of what I read here.
Knowing about BPD has opened my eyes but I think it would've been better for me thinking of him as a bad man than a sick one.
Once I was put on to this information, I noticed a lot of things. Started to bug him about things i never thought about before and question everything he did. I suspected everything he did and looked for things I didn't care about before. I don't think he was planning to leave before i exposed him.
For the most part, we had a happy life until i started knowing about BPD. I miss them days.
Besides all that, he is nicer. He buys me gifts.  He calls and texts me regularly, he spends nights with me. He got himself a new place and he took me to see it. I still love him but my brain has BPD information overload and I can't seem to let him back in. Also, I think he can tell I'm under protection.