Feelings of jealousy and anger re: breakup and ex's cheating

[shatra]

Hello--
  My ex broke up with me  last year.  Since then he had been on and off with another ex.  He has also been looking for dates in his home city, cheating on that one as well.  I am working on acceptance, but I am feeling envious that he pushed me away and is with someone else.  That one is a narcissist, and is recently out of prison and drug rehab.
   So I am struggling with a mix of feelings--envy, sadness, anger and shock. Shock that:

--He dumped me "out of the blue" without a "reason"

---He cheated, though he said he was happy with me

---He gave me up (someone who has a high-level job and no prison record or drug history) for a narcissist who has no job, but has a drug history and prison record

    Though in reality, he has no job either---maybe he felt uncomfortable being with a higher-functioning non-addict?  I know I can't go to him for answers, but I am trying here to express feelings and get some feedback
Thank you

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi shatra-

Though in reality, he has no job either---maybe he felt uncomfortable being with a higher-functioning non-addict?

Or the disorder just went through its stages.  Remember in the beginning you were perfect to him, the ideal soulmate who finally made him feel complete and whole, until you weren't.  And no one could be, that's an unrealistic fantasy, but common for someone who is emotionally arrested as an offshoot of a personality disorder.

Last year is quite a while ago at this point, it might be helpful to read these articles, again or for the first time:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Jealousy and anger are normal responses to what we've been through and normal stages of detachment.  Have you looked at the stages of detachment over there ----------->
lately, and where do you think you are?  Notice the last one is Freedom, a worthy goal yes?

[shatra]

Hi shatra-

Or the disorder just went through its stages.  Remember in the beginning you were perfect to him, the ideal soulmate who finally made him feel complete and whole, until you weren't.

----I don't think that's what happened.  He wasn't splitting me black at the breakup, he was trying to keep me (until I discovered his cheating). He also said several times while I was with him that i was "too good to be with someone as low as him" and that he was convinced I would leave him one day.  So what he said was that he feared I'd leave because I wouldn't stay with him and his negative offerings

Last year is quite a while ago at this point, it might be helpful to read these articles, again or for the first time:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality
----Yes, good articles. last year doesn't feel like a long time to me---I had a long-term relationship with him, and it ended out of the blue. It's also been painful to see that he's with someone who (like him) has so many financial, legal, drug and personality problems. So I feel upset.

Jealousy and anger are normal responses to what we've been through and normal stages of detachment.  Have you looked at the stages of detachment over there ----------->
lately, and where do you think you are?  Notice the last one is Freedom, a worthy goal yes?

-----I have passed the first 2 stages... .somehow I've been doing stage 4 already and want to reach 5... .stage 3: what's been useful in the journey, does that mean the relationship?

[fromheeltoheal]

stage 3: what's been useful in the journey, does that mean the relationship?

Yes, the relationship, but also in the larger context of the relationship as a chapter in our lives, every chapter having its joys, challenges and lessons, and what we take from it, whether it adds to our lives moving forward or detracts from them, depends on what we make that part of the journey mean.  And just being able to see the relationship in that context is significant detachment, a progression from just seeing the relationship and nothing else because it was devastating and we're in pain, so that's something to celebrate in itself.

[shatra]

From heel to heal wrote
Yes, the relationship, but also in the larger context of the relationship as a chapter in our lives, every chapter having its joys, challenges and lessons, and what we take from it, whether it adds to our lives moving forward or detracts from them, depends on what we make that part of the journey mean. 

-----I see. Well what has been useful in the journey has been that I learned that no matter how well I acted and how long I endured, he was still not coming through with a commitment... .and that is a reflection of his disorder (not a reflection of me, as i thought years ago before learning about the disorder).  ALso I learned that I am not willing to be with someone who has his lower level of functioning in all different ways. I also learned that though I am not a borderline, I too have extreme emotions and can "split" at times.  And I learned not to trust a cheater or liar, though he hid those traits... .not much positive here!
 
I am still feeling angry and shocked that
--He dumped me "out of the blue" without a "reason"

---He cheated, though he said he was happy with me

---He gave me up (someone who has a high-level job and no prison record or drug history) for a narcissist who has no job, but has a drug history and prison record

[fromheeltoheal]

-----I see. Well what has been useful in the journey has been that I learned that no matter how well I acted and how long I endured, he was still not coming through with a commitment... .and that is a reflection of his disorder (not a reflection of me, as i thought years ago before learning about the disorder).  ALso I learned that I am not willing to be with someone who has his lower level of functioning in all different ways. I also learned that though I am not a borderline, I too have extreme emotions and can "split" at times.  And I learned not to trust a cheater or liar, though he hid those traits... .not much positive here!

Maybe not much positive from that relationship, which means the fact it ended is positive, but I hear new boundaries and more self-awareness in there, and good for you!

I am still feeling angry and shocked that
--He dumped me "out of the blue" without a "reason"

---He cheated, though he said he was happy with me

---He gave me up (someone who has a high-level job and no prison record or drug history) for a narcissist who has no job, but has a drug history and prison record

OK, fair enough, you've discovered where you can have stronger boundaries, gained some self-awareness, and are still angry and shocked at his behavior: progress on detachment but not fully detached yet.  You can take a breather and decide if you need to do anything differently, or not, just stay the course, and while you're at it, celebrate the progress yes?

[shatra]

Heel to heal wrote--
you've discovered where you can have stronger boundaries, gained some self-awareness, and are still angry and shocked at his behavior: progress on detachment but not fully detached yet.  You can take a breather and decide if you need to do anything differently, or not, just stay the course, and while you're at it, celebrate the progress yes?

---I need to do something differently---need to forgive what he did and what he didn't do... .I want to let go of the anger and jealousy of the cheating, and also the anger towards the one he cheated with. Also, the shock that he would choose a narcissistic addict criminal---though I understand now how he would want someone who had that in common with him---he feared I wouldn't tolerate him since he said I was "out of his league"... .I saw that as true, but aslo his self-esteem issues and his splitting... .but I really would not have tolerated him longer term.

[Pretty Woman]

Girl, it's because you are not as dysfunctional as he is.

Don't compare yourself to the junkie he is with. He didn't pick someone better... .he picked someone closer to his level of dysfunction.

It's all too easy for us to compare ourselves to the new person but guess what? There is NO comparison other than the fact this person will likely (and in this case he's already cheating on your replacement with another) be treated just as crappy as you were... .or worse.

Consider yourself lucky Shatra. I know it's hard and we obsess over being discarded but our exes did us a HUGE favor.

[shatra]

Pretty Woman wrote---
Don't compare yourself to the junkie he is with. He didn't pick someone better... .he picked someone closer to his level of dysfunction.
It's all too easy for us to compare ourselves to the new person but guess what? There is NO comparison other than the fact this person will likely (and in this case he's already cheating on your replacement with another) be treated just as crappy as you were... .or worse.

   You are right---he treats every partner in a crappy way!  I feel jealous, but I feel relieved to know that he did pick someone closer to him low level of dysfunction.

--He dumped me "out of the blue" without a "reason"
---He cheated, though he said he was happy with me
---He gave me up (someone who has a high-level job and no prison record or drug history) for a narcissist who has no job, but has a drug history and prison record
Though in reality, he has no job either---maybe he felt uncomfortable being with a higher-functioning non-addict?