Court again on Tuesday... don't want to see him

[Herodias]

I was feeling fine and all of a sudden I am nervous. I know courts worry about children first, but my lawyer said since the child was conceived during our marriage and with someone else, it is not my problem. They won't pity him basically. He is trying to reduce my alimony to next to nothing. He is the one that set the amount up in the first place and was glad to do it. He says that there is a baby in the picture now that he needs to care for. I know he only cares about what he can spend on himself.  Someone said to me if quitting their jobs and moving to another state worked, everyone would do it. Besides my alimony is based on other income he receives anyway! I really, really don't want to see him... .I am feeling very sick about it. I am very upset about all the money this is costing me, so I will not be smiling at him if he smiles at me like he did during our divorce. I just don't want to make him madder... .not sure how to act, but I just don't even want to react if I can help it. I am very disturbed by this whole mess. I hope he doesn't show up. I suppose there is a chance. I certainly hope he doesn't bring the gf and baby! Dreading this... .I suppose I won't have to worry about that since he doesn't want her to know the truth about him, so who knows. I hate when you don't have a clue what is about to happen... .I am full of anxiety because of him again : (

[ForeverDad]

One perspective that should help is to step out of the immediacy of your dilemma and gain some objectivity, as though you were on the outside looking in.

Strategy 1:  Perspective... .Imagine you're not the one with a problem Ex, instead it is a friend or acquaintance.  Let go the subjective worries and frustrations.  What insights would you share, what suggestions would you give?

Strategy 2:  Time... .Imagine 1, 2, 5 or 10 years have passed.  Imagine yourself looking back, will you wish that you had chosen another path, another solution?  A real risk - and one some have reported they regretted as they looked back - is that you might decide to let go some helpful support or boundaries "just to get it over with".

[Herodias]

You are right ForeverDad, I almost did make a mistake and give in to "get it over with"... .I am feeling a bit better after seeing my lawyer. I am not going to feel totally confident yet. I think that would jinx me. She said he is not supposed to be there, so that is a big relief to me. The case is so ridiculous, it seems there would be no way he could win. I will let you know what happens tomorrow. A friend of mine said he will probably not show and this is all being done just to harass me... .I am thinking that may be so. I am sure he would love to get out of paying me too. We will see what happens... .thanks.

[ForeverDad]

Bill Eddy (our popular SPLITTING handbook) advises that we get proactive, problem solving lawyers, so much better than a settlement-oriented, forms filer and hand holding lawyer extends the pain and chaos.  Yes, many of our cases do end up in settlements (usually at the last moment) rather than trials but we would sell ourselves short if we expect settlements as it is often a test of wills and firm boundaries that often determines the outcome.

That means we also need to be (and be seen as) proactive problem solvers.  While our ex-spouses may or may not present themselves as problem persons, it means a lot that we walk into court with common sense solutions.  I would conclude that court would rather deal with one of two parents being capable and able to rise above the conflict for the sake of conflict than neither being capable and able to work with the court.  Members have commented that rarely do we get all we want from a court decision, but generally the bigger issues do get addressed and certainly our stability does get noticed, well, eventually.

However, we do need to be street smart as well.  If we attempt to be overly fair, above and beyond, we may not get credit for it.  A saying I found here and have repeated is, The person behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.  So if you think the court will notice how fair you are, it may not even give it much attention.  So you need effective strategies more than a claim "I'm being super fair."  Yes, you shouldn't be seen as vindictive but trying to be "overly fair" can become self-sabotaging.

[Herodias]

Thanks for your suggestions... .Let me share some of what happened today. He did not show up to court with his Lawyer. The judge actually almost rolled his eyes at what his lawyer was saying. His excuse was so ridiculous... .it was embarrassing to hear his lawyer say it, but I was picturing all the stories I ever heard from my ex in the past and it was like my ex was saying it himself. My lawyer actually made a comment that she didn't see him (his lawyer) as a bad person, but just repeating what he was told by his client. The judge basically gave this young attorney a very good lesson, which took longer than the allotted 15 minutes. The lies that were on my exes affidavit were ridiculous and the Judge basically let his attorney know that since he did not have his client there and he couldn't answer the questions, he had a choice to let him rule right then and there or continue the case at a later date when he could be there. I was told the Judge was actually letting him know that he was being played and he couldn't win his case. I couldn't totally understand the implications that were being said, but I was told the judge was looking out for the lawyer so he wouldn't get sued by my ex. Afterwards, his lawyer and mine talked. His lawyer was totally embarrassed and apologized. He told her that he was going to recommend my ex drop the case and wanted to know if I would forgo my reimbursement for her fees. I said, no. I have given in to pay half the separation and half the divorce, none of which was my fault.  I am not giving in, especially after we found out how much money he was hiding from me that he received from stock and 401K when he quit his job! He actually left this off his financial declaration from our divorce!  He has a new job now and will be perfectly fine... .The whole thing is really involved, but I was so glad the Judge saw through all the lies. I just hate that it was continued and I will have to pay more unless he settles. His lawyer clearly sees he was duped. We even looked at each other a couple times... I could tell he knew I was telling the truth. I felt sorry for him.  So we will see if he will agree to pay my attorneys fees now. He would incur more costs if he continues. Lets see how many games he is willing to play... .