My BPD in her own words - abusive texts - how to analyse ?

[CooperD]

Morning folks,

I'm now approaching 14-15 days of NC with my BPD wife. Awaiting divorce confirmation to arrive in the post here in the UK (she is in the US).

I was not feeling great yesterday and read something somewhere which I have memorised like a mantra "NO CONTACT means NO MORE HURT"

I reviewed some of the chats I still have on my phone from her and the abuse / words were so horrible just daily chipping away at me.  

Below are a brief sample (this related to me mailing her UK to US our marriage certificate - in hindsight she was lying and told me she wanted the certificate to use in a photo album of us but instead she needed it to file for our divorce.

The anger/rage in her messages at such a small thing (the envelope was delayed by about 2 weeks) is shocking.  The below are messages posted by her in response to receiving the envelope  (copy and pasted).  At no point within these messages did I respond etc - this is the BPD exploding. I'm interested in what other people make of her messages as I can see so many themes (gas lighting / making me feel worthless / beneath her etc).

My BPD in her words =

Received the envelope

It was sent out last Monday!

I requested it sept 9... .what the fck was it doing for almost 20 days sitting in england!

20 fxxxing days wasted!

It is annoying because you never do anything correctly the first time around

Its like you love to learn from doing things wrong

Do you read English?

Do you understand what I am saying to you?

Nothing is ever your fault

You are such a good little boy that always does everything right

Your new nick name is Teddy!

Like your idol Ted Bundy

HOW many times do I have to tell you how to write my address!

What is wrong with you

Why can't you write the address like I tell you to

You must have a serious learning disability and I must be very careful with your mental health

Because people who are ignorant that cant do things right are very sad people

You like acting stupid

IF THIS IS WEEK 1 TO START FOR US

You let me down with the marriage certificate

Let's see if you let me down tomorrow with the KLM flight to Rome for a holiday

You have learning difficulties when I tell you to do stuff

You have disappointed me severely with not sending the marriage certificate

What a sad disappointment you have been today for me

Let's just see if you are a disappointment again tomorrow on Friday. Let's see if you complete what you send out to do tomorrow. I'm cheering you on baby. You can do it! There's hope that tomorrow you won't be another disappointment!

I like this new way. Every day rate disappointment

Of how that's not what I want in a husband

My husband would not take 17 days to mail out the wrong marriage certificate

My husband would not write the address in the wrong format after being told more than 5 times how to write it

My husband would surprise me withflowers because its Wednesday

My husband doesn't disappoint by acting like a fool on purposs

Purpose. Or come out having learning disabilities

--------------------------------------

I have messages like the above spanning three years on all manner of topics.

I will post others at some point as its quite cathartic reading them - as i can rationally try to pick apart her behaviours.

[Heldfast]

In the words of the immortal Steve Martin: "Nobody wants to hear the nonsensical ravings of a loudmouthed malcontent!”

[once removed]

im not sure theres much to pick apart here, its a stream of nasty, abusive text.

i can certainly see how it might be cathartic to read them, though. i reread only a small sampling of text messages (different in nature) and i was surprised how i felt upon reading them once out of the relationship.

i would ask, how did you feel when she said those things at the time, vs now?

[apollotech]

Morning folks,

I'm now approaching 14-15 days of NC with my BPD wife. Awaiting divorce confirmation to arrive in the post here in the UK (she is in the US).

I was not feeling great yesterday and read something somewhere which I have memorised like a mantra "NO CONTACT means NO MORE HURT"

I reviewed some of the chats I still have on my phone from her and the abuse / words were so horrible just daily chipping away at me. 

Below are a brief sample (this related to me mailing her UK to US our marriage certificate - in hindsight she was lying and told me she wanted the certificate to use in a photo album of us but instead she needed it to file for our divorce.

The anger/rage in her messages at such a small thing (the envelope was delayed by about 2 weeks) is shocking.  The below are messages posted by her in response to receiving the envelope  (copy and pasted).  At no point within these messages did I respond etc - this is the BPD exploding. I'm interested in what other people make of her messages as I can see so many themes (gas lighting / making me feel worthless / beneath her etc).

My BPD in her words =

Received the envelope

It was sent out last Monday!

I requested it sept 9... .what the fck was it doing for almost 20 days sitting in england!

20 fxxxing days wasted!

It is annoying because you never do anything correctly the first time around

Its like you love to learn from doing things wrong

Do you read English?

Do you understand what I am saying to you?

Nothing is ever your fault

You are such a good little boy that always does everything right

Your new nick name is Teddy!

Like your idol Ted Bundy

HOW many times do I have to tell you how to write my address!

What is wrong with you

Why can't you write the address like I tell you to

You must have a serious learning disability and I must be very careful with your mental health

Because people who are ignorant that cant do things right are very sad people

You like acting stupid

IF THIS IS WEEK 1 TO START FOR US

You let me down with the marriage certificate

Let's see if you let me down tomorrow with the KLM flight to Rome for a holiday

You have learning difficulties when I tell you to do stuff

You have disappointed me severely with not sending the marriage certificate

What a sad disappointment you have been today for me

Let's just see if you are a disappointment again tomorrow on Friday. Let's see if you complete what you send out to do tomorrow. I'm cheering you on baby. You can do it! There's hope that tomorrow you won't be another disappointment!

I like this new way. Every day rate disappointment

Of how that's not what I want in a husband

My husband would not take 17 days to mail out the wrong marriage certificate

My husband would not write the address in the wrong format after being told more than 5 times how to write it

My husband would surprise me withflowers because its Wednesday

My husband doesn't disappoint by acting like a fool on purposs

Purpose. Or come out having learning disabilities

--------------------------------------

I have messages like the above spanning three years on all manner of topics.

I will post others at some point as its quite cathartic reading them - as i can rationally try to pick apart her behaviours.

My friend, count your blessings that you got away from this person, no matter what the excuse is!

[CooperD]

'Once removed' at the time I would generally wake up and read such messages first thing before work (due to the time difference she would always leave me something to wake up to - 99% of the time never anything nice once I had been split)...   It would start my day of with anxiety and thinking why can I never ever do anything right with/ for  this person.  It would then impact on my morning at work as I would be dwelling on it and desperate for her to wake up in the US so that I could message back to try to fix the situation.

Now when I read it removed from her and the event I see what an emotional abuser she was / a vampire sucking away at me and reducing my self-esteem to nothing (just from those messages she sent - that Im a useless husband / that I have learning difficulties / that she compares me to a horrible serial killer). 

Reading it now I think how and why did I put up with that for so long but I do see why I have felt so low and depressed the last year especially being on the receiving end of stuff like that.

My dad said to me yesterday - you used to be so happy until she came into your life and since she came into your life everything has gone backwards.

[once removed]

i know what you mean. that sort of abuse from a loved one really takes a toll. in my case there was the cognitive dissonance of wondering how someone who claimed to love me could also treat me in an abusive manner.

what kinds of things have you been doing to rebuild your self confidence, self esteem, and self worth? i know its early and things are still very raw right now, not trying to get too ahead of your process here. do you write responses to the abusive texts in your head or on paper? that can be useful.

[CooperD]

Its still so raw

Im sat now in tears thinking about her and missing her.

I cant explain why - i can see her nasty messages / i can recall all the mental and physical abuse she put me through but I have aching in my heart knowinf I will never see her again or hear her voice after speaking to her almost every day for 5 years

[woundedPhoenix]

What i noticed in the breakup period and thereafter,
is that these sort of text walls of which i think i have received thousands of lines of by now,
don't have anything to do with you.

Ofcourse there are differences of opinion and screwups that everone can make,
but they don't necessarily have to be communicated in this format that is just designed to break anyone - who still has any attachment left - down. to the ground.

And ofcourse when you are addressed like this all the time, you end up screwing things up more, cause your brain is half in trauma and doesn't do things 'right'.

It got very interesting for me afterwards to correlate the timings of these messages and her online flirting sprees and the forced idealisation of replacements. It seemed that in order to really idealise someone new, she had to intensify these destroy-the-previous-attachment text walls.

In order to move on, they have to convince themselves they are over you, and the best way to keep that illusion up is... .what you are reading.
This is the only breakup style they are able to handle, and we are expected to be able to handle it.

We are 7 months later now, and my ex now expresses deep guilt and regret for what she did, and how it all happened, and in a way it breaks my heart again,
so after some time it could be that they see beyond the hatred, but by then, the damage is done... .

[CooperD]

Woundedpheonix - i think you make a great point with how they try to comvince themselves they are over you. When I did some digging into her social media since she has quit on us -  I saw she had been track racing in a porsche (we had hired a porsche when we got married in san francisco), she has been posting on twitter about how loved she is, how she is going to go to law school etc.

I would just love some acknowledgment from her thag im still alive and that i meant something to her and am not just a piece of trash to be thrown away

It hurts so much

[RippedTorn]

Cooper D
What a terrible mess we have when we get involved with a borderline. I feel for you because my ex sent and said the same nasty things about me. Even some of the same language - how I was a poor little boy, how I was stupid, how I could not do things right. They are severely damaged and it rubs off on us. You had five years of torture, I had 3 1/2. When they are gone, they project their twisted feelings onto us. My ex said when she left that she could get any man she wanted. But a mutual friend saw her this weekend and she was crying uncontrollably. So don't assume she was unaffected by your relationship. All this nastiness is a cover for their shame, disappointment, and failure. It is a defense mechanism to protect them from accepting the truth of who they are and how they behave.
Once you have some NC time away, you will begin to see things more clearly as I did. The critical question is why did you or I get and stay in this relationship.
I recommend this book to help you understand the answer:
The Human Magnet Syndrome, Why We Love People Who Hurt Us by Ross Rosenberg.
Hang in brother... .

[michel71]

Hey CooperD. You are not alone my friend. I know it hurts like hell. Stay in reality. Accept what is, not what you wanted it to be. You'll get through this. Be kind to yourself. Take care of you. Concentrate on you and what you need. Shift the focus away from her and stop thinking about what she is doing or feeling ( easier said than done, I know). It's gotta be all about you now.

[once removed]

Its still so raw

Im sat now in tears thinking about her and missing her.

I cant explain why

because you were in a relationship with her for many years, and on top of that a complex one. profound sadness and conflicted feelings are natural.

my advice: dont fight it. grieve your relationship. its okay to miss her.

i spent a long time fighting my depression and longing for my ex. it didnt make it go away, and frankly it made me feel worse as i was invalidating, even shaming my feelings ie "theres something wrong with me for missing her". it was very freeing when i gave myself permission to miss her, and begin to grieve.

this is a hard loss, and its going to hurt. we are here for you every step of the way.

[Ananass]

Wow I feel like my story being told word for word by someone else. How I stayed in this r/s for almost 6 yrs is something I can't explain. For a long time I thought I won't be affected. Communication became chaotic and I couldn't take it any more. Thinking back, I feel like I mirrored her behavior in order to protect myself to the point I once doubted myself. I wish I had seeked help at the time. I hate to admit that at times I realized that I sent nasty texts back to her. I had also indulged into drinking as it was the only way for me to cope with the chaos. The OP helps me understand where my self esteem disappeared to. Slowly I am trying to initiate NC but every time I do, she finds a way to get back. Hardest part is the love I have for her and how I miss her. Still in early stages of therapy.

[CooperD]

Thanks for the comments and support folks,

I know NC is the way forward and for time to take its course and to accept that the relationship was toxic (i know i could have ended up being arrested if she had followed through with her false rape threats / and I know I could have ended up killing myself if it would have continued day in day out as I was having very real thoughts of escape - either through just disappearing or taking my own life).

i just cant believe how badly physically and mentally it has impacted on me - knowing that someone you loved and shared really significant moments with including flying half the world to marry that person - could end things so so cruelly.

Right now I have so many emotions towards her

- Anger for how she treated me and ended it
- Desire for revenge so people she presents herself as a victim to know the truth
- Sadness that i will never see her again or hear her
- loss that those years of my life have been wasted

Is it better to try to focus on one emotion to push through as its this going backwards and forwards between feelings that is so painful

[julie frances lloyd]

Sorry for your troubles, I don't know your situation and I am not following everyone's threads in detail but thought I'd send good vibes your way and hope you are safe. You seem to have written a lot.

[once removed]

Is it better to try to focus on one emotion to push through as its this going backwards and forwards between feelings that is so painful

i dont think theres a right or wrong here; im a big believer in "the only way out is through", but dont torture yourself.

self awareness of our process helps, and identifying your feelings as you have is just that. things are raw. there will be many emotions, and they will be all over the place. having some expectancy of that - that healing/recovery are not linear, and that its not abnormal for things to feel worse before they feel better, helped get me through. like i said, giving myself permission to grieve.

this was a traumatic event for you, the sort that really does a tremendous number on the psyche, the heart, the brain, the body. it will get better. but its normal to feel, at times, that it wont.

would it help to elaborate on your emotions, or to pick one?

 

[CooperD]

Onceremoved what I have been trying go do is focusing on anger towards her to kind of force myself to see what she really was

I've done this through a list of all the bad things she ever did to me, listening to the audio recordings I made of her threatening to accuse me of rape and me being distraught, looking at pictures of me when she had punched me several times, reviewing angry walls of texts and getting the opinions of my parents and close friends about her.

All of that tells me I should be jumping for joy to be free - with no children to worry about / my career still in tact after she threatened to destory if.

This has helped to the extent that whenever I read the lists, listen or look at the pics it takes my mind of her temporaily as I remember the reality and the complete chaos that happened. 

The problem is there are so many triggers that remind me of her - I saw a pair of christmas socks that i had bought for her  to keep her feet warm and it upset me so much as I remembered being in the store picking them up and how happy she was when I gave them to her and put them on for her - its heartbrraking those little moments.

The desire for revenge is a pointless emotion which I know is no good as it achieves nothing beyond potentially putting myself at risk of her reacting.

Feeling I have wasted 4-5 years is also pointless as there is nothing I can do to get those back.

So right now anger is the only thing with the methods I have adopted that allows me temporary relief to try to get her out of my head.

I have another therapy appointment on friday as I do feel as you say that i am suffering from trauma.  Some of the incidents were so extreme - the rape threats / the violent attack at disneyworld that when I think of them its as if i am right back there.  I remember every detail / the panic swells up in me / i see her rage and hear her - i dont know if that constitutes post traumatic stress disorder but my god is it hard to deal with.

[Recovering480]

I'm so sorry to read these.  It sounds so familiar.

 I was accused of not being a man constantly.  It drove me crazy.  I finally responded with "A real man cleans up after his girlfriend when she throws up in bed after she was talking sh*t to his father. A real man sticks with his girlfriend even when he suspects she cheated on him. Don't lecture me on being a man. You need to be an adult and own up to your "stuff""

She retorted with how grateful she was she broke up me because of stuff like this (!). I said I was grateful that after three months of belittlement, I was finally free.

I never went tat for tat with her. It was useless. We all know they don't listen.

My advice: don't respond. Take care of yourself. Don't listen or take heed with anything said. You are NOT those things.

Unfortunately, we start to believe them. I did. I felt worthless and useless.

[lovenature]

Hey Coop

Projection is what I see; when she feels bad about herself she cuts you down, and when she feels good about herself she states it. It all boils down to her making up her own reality to fit her current emotion of the moment.

I would recommend you stop looking at, and trying to analyze, her texts, emails etc.; always go by their ACTIONS not words. 

[once removed]

Onceremoved what I have been trying go do is focusing on anger towards her to kind of force myself to see what she really was

its not a bad strategy. anger is a part of grief and detachment and can be useful. i tapped into mine. i wrote awful things id never share in public. there was truth to them to be sure, insofar as how i felt, but obviously it wasnt the whole picture, and i knew that (self awareness of our own anger is important). it was a significant turning point for me though.

so in that sense, i encourage you not just to listen to the abusive recordings and texts; at the time, i had no shortage of memory of the awful times but that only went so far. you might try to write them, write your feelings, even write responses if it helps; and of course share with us here what you are comfortable sharing. writing and talking have powerful effects.

The problem is there are so many triggers that remind me of her

i understand. i hated using foam soap cause her place was the first i used it. these triggers will lessen, in time, and as you reclaim and replace them. i also found it helpful to put away all relationship memorabilia and keep it out of my sight.

The desire for revenge is a pointless emotion which I know is no good as it achieves nothing beyond potentially putting myself at risk of her reacting.

i dont think there are really such things as pointless emotions, and i dont think the desire for revenge is necessarily one either. its acting on them that is generally counterproductive/destructive. many members report desires for revenge and revenge fantasies. there are healthy and productive ways of dealing with them. mine was writing.

im really glad to hear youre seeking therapy. this is excruciating stuff to recover from, and its a big step, the ultimate self care, to reach out for help. please keep posting and sharing with us as well. as ive said, we are here for you every step of the way.

[michel71]

I second the opinion that anger is good. It helps me get through. It is important to stay in reality, and to that end, read some of the things you wrote that she did to you. If you were anything like me, after awhile when you were in the thick of it with her, you weren't sure what happened and things became a blur. Coming out of the FOG, literally and figuratively, you can remember more. I was pretty good about writing things down as they happened. And I keep a journal of "wrongs" that I add to.
Whatever gets you through.
I too go through a range of emotions. Some times I feel anger. Then other times heart wrenching sadness. Then anger at myself for putting up with her chit. Then relief. Then happiness, elation even. I would say for right now it feels weird because she has not moved out yet and is packing, things are coming in the mail, etc. boxes, etc. So it is awkward. And lots of times I feel really let down by her and that goes into the anger category I guess.
TIME.
That is the magic word.
You just have to go through it. And it really bites and it takes a while to feel just a tad better or get clarity or actually enjoy yourself doing something.
I will tell you this CooperD. I wish my wife would have abruptly left me after a short marriage. She would have done me a huge favor. Yes, I would have been like you, completely gutted and shattered and a bit lost even. But I would have had more of my dignity, money and life to live. I spent two and a half years in pure hell living with her. She sucked me dry. Be glad that this didn't go on. And I know that is real easy to say but harder or impossible for you to accept. Trust me man.
And you have your whole life ahead of you.
This is going to be tough for awhile, especially at Christmas. Just stay busy. Do what you need to do for you.
You were with a monster. It sounds like a sociopath.
And yes, I do feel you and most of us on this board likely have PTSD. Stay in counseling. I am doing that for sure.
Take care friend.