xBPDw -- How much to explain or ignore when we disagree?

[RecoveringDaily]

My xBPDw and I split up a year ago. We have two kids (4&6), and the divorce process was messy. I've largely taken the approach of not responding to the offensive things she e-mails to me; I try to respond with, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's simply not true. I won't engage in the back and forth with you. Have a nice week." or something to that effect.

Situation: in May, xBPDw actively undermined me with the kids' teachers, leaving me off communications, scheduling parent-teacher conferences in the middle of the day (she was a SAHM) and giving me short notice so I couldn't attend, refusing to alternate field trips (and FOG about not showing up and ruining the kids' trips), etc. I filed to request mediation (on the advice of my lawyer). xBPDw fought it; judge ordered it; we mediated in July and reached a settlement on various placement/visitation issues.

Fast-forward to last week. She broke our agreement, but not in an outright, direct way--I found out through a fluke e-mail that there was an exclusive, in-class party the next day for S6. One parent may attend. xBPDw didn't inform me about it because S6 invited her. Our mediation agreement said that I get the option to attend field trips occurring on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday (such as this one). After discussing with my lawyer, we agreed that she violated the agreement (it was intended to cover exclusive events including field trips, but also other things like this). I didn't show up at the party and make things awkward for S6, but this is now the second time she's shown up to something that isn't hers to attend and that essentially dares me to make things awkward for the kids so she can make a scene.

I informed xBPDw that she broke our agreement, but I didn't want to take her to court. Instead, I proposed that she agree that going forward, these types were mine to attend, and that she'd also provide me with copies of notices sent home by the teachers. I gave her 10 days to respond or I would initiate a request for court-ordered mediation.

She responded and denied she'd done anything wrong. She blamed S6 for inviting her, guilted me about making things awkward, etc.--complete inability to take responsibility for things but instead rushed to blame.

Q: the 10-day window has not run yet. I want to reiterate that if we don't work something out by then, I will proceed with a request for mediation. In the interim, however, is there value in my responding to her arguments? 14 years of relationship and work with a joint therapist makes me realize there's essentially no chance she will change her mind, see my side, or see my actions as anything other than hostile. I don't want to inflame the situation by saying something that makes it worse, but I also don't want to bog down arguing with her about it when doing so is likely to be entirely futile.

Any thoughts on the best way to respond? Briefly answer the substance of her arguments? Simply say that if she doesn't change her mind by the end of 10 days, I'll file? Looking for any insight into how to handle this. Thanks!

[Panda39]

Hi RecoveringDaily,

Is there a reason that you can't communicate directly with your children's teachers instead of counting on your wife to share information with you.

My SO found that going straight to the source... .whether that be the doctor, the teacher, the girl scout leader... .whoever, was the most effective way for him to get accurate and timely information on the kids health, education or extra curricular activities etc.

If you go straight to the source and learn what's going on from them, like what activities or events are coming up with the kids then you can participate as you choose.  You might not even need to go to mediation on this one.

I would guess that it's common for teachers to send information to both parents if they are divorced. If that isn't happening I would speak to your child's teacher about sending you the same information communicated to your ex. 

Panda39

[RecoveringDaily]

Is there a reason that you can't communicate directly with your children's teachers instead of counting on your wife to share information with you.

Most of the information is sent via e-mail, and I receive all of that. But many notices/permission slips (like the one for this event) just go home in hard copy. Until last week, I didn't realize that the info sent home differed from what was sent via e-mail, so I'm not completely sure on what I'm missing.

My ex has primary placement, so I don't generally get to see what comes home in hard copy from their teachers.

[david]

I had issues with the school too. I simply went to the school with our court order and gave them a copy. I also explained that I need to have copies of everything our boys get so I am kept in the loop. I even suggested they could simply email me everything instead of paper copies. Their school is going paperless so this was a good suggestion from me.
I eliminated 97% of all issues that way. However, I had to do the same thing when our oldest started middle school. By then I had enough allies at elementary school so it was easier.