Step forward for my D

[qcarolr]

My D30 was able to choose entering a treatment program last night. She has been referred there several times before and could not even manage the intake process. I am praying for her to make it through each day and choose to stay for the next day. She has been living with us for the past couple years, though is only in our home a couple days a week.

D is on probation for fight with boyfriend. She has a long history of her pattern of relationship, and repeats this domestic violence pattern over and over with the same couple of guys. They each have been arrested at different times. Her probation officer is the one referring her to detox then to TRT (Transitional Residential Treatment), and she will go to jail if she chooses to walk away. Over the past 4 years she was referred to this program, even one time taken directly from jail -- and right back to jail the first day. She believed she was being put down and abused by staff. I can see how she thought this. This experience reinforced her beliefs that lead to avoidance of all treatment.

What was different this past week that allowed her to choose treatment? Her pattern of distress has accelerated this year to daily swings of her behavior. She used to make it a few weeks then she would crash in bf relationship. So a part of it might be she is ready to get out of this pattern. I have talked with her about the patterns that I see in her behavior. I have focused my energy on loving her regardless of the circumstances and accepting her as a worthy human being in each situation. There have been more times she reaches out to me, even in the midst of great strife.

She has also had a couple positive experiences with treatment - though very short term.

When she was arrested for the current harassment conviction back in May, I offered to bail her out if she immediately went with me to the 24 hour crisis center. It is in a building across the street from the jail. She was a mess -- alternating between uncontrollable tears (very unusual) and anger. The programs available here are managed by the county mental health center - ie. trained staff. She was admitted to their Respite Program. It provided her a shared apartment for two weeks with daily counseling. The purpose was to evaluate her for longer term treatment and housing. She tried very hard and made it through the two weeks. She had just started to settle into the routine a few days before discharge. I was surprised that she wished she could stay longer! There were no housing openings so she was referred for outpatient treatment. She did not follow through with this -- her known pattern repeated again. It was a big deal to her that she succeeded in the two weeks - her perseverance plus their tolerance. She brought this up several times over the past 6 months.

Two weeks ago her Probation Officer (PO) sent her to detox for 5 days. I gave her lots of support and she did get there and made it through the whole 5 days. THIS WAS A FIRST! She has failed to stay in detox more than a day, even though ordered by the court in previous years, several times. I was able keep my focus on loving her, accepting her, being there for her to call, getting her there, being with her during initial intake (until they got to her drug use - time for mom to go)... .In other words, I was supportive instead of angry. This allowed me to stay connected instead of my usual pattern of withdrawal to try and avoid anger.

D continued to fail her probation requirements after detox. The PO is ready to send her back to court and revoke probation. This would mean a warrant for her arrest, which D has run from in the past. She always ends up really sick and in the ER -- where she is arrested after losing it with the hospital staff.

The PO offered her accepting admission to the TRT program as an alternative to the warrant. She is supposed to be there for 45 days inpatient which is followed by intensive outpatient for some period of time. She has to spend 5 days in the detox area before getting the TRT bed. This gives them time to evaluate her for the TRT program.

Both of these bf's are also in jail right now, so not available to distract her from going to program. One is there on unrelated charges (this was the fighter in May). The other flipped into a paranoid psychotic state and attacked D a few weeks ago. We all were worried as his behaviors had changed over the past couple months. It became more than we could help him with before the assault. He is in jail on that assault plus some other unrelated charges. Maybe this assault has been a factor in D's choice for treatment.

I am amazed at D's choosing a positive path. I pray for her to persevere through the tough parts of this. I pray for the staff to understand her BPD and other issues in order to support her success. I appreciate any of your thoughts and prayers for my D.

Thanks for listening. qcarolr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there QCR

Thanks so much for sharing QCR. I realise these are very early days but there's been a change in your daughters behaviour and I'll pray too that she stays set on her path. I've learnt that they can take a lot of strength and pride from a very small achievement, baby steps.

I take heart from your story and your amazing persistence in changing your approach yourself. Your daughter must sense that change and I'm sure this has helped her make the positive decisions she's made herself.

Massive hugs to you and you're both in my thoughts.

L

[qcarolr]

Lollypop, Thanks for your encouragement. I have been coping with some auto-immune illnesses that zapped my energy. Hopefully the new meds. will continue to help along with treating severe sleep apnea. Maybe the illness created a space for me to shift how I interact with my D. I had to set aside several things that I had been involved with, including posting here! It feels good to be back posting.

It has been a long road with my D, and I am so hopeful she has found a new path. I know there will be big bumps still and possible relapses. I do believe that each positive experience adds to the previous ones to make a greater mass to propel her forward. It is also a good thing that others in the homeless community that she has been a part of are seeking recovery and healing as well. They pull each other up. She spent the two days before she entered treatment with some friends who also encouraged her.

qcarolr

[Lollypop]

Hi QCR

I can see you've had to look outwards as you've started to have your own priorities to deal with. I experienced something similar when I walked out of a good job, I just couldn't cope any more. I started to focus on myself once I stopped crying.

I think you're right about the positive benefits of not putting BPD first, living the life you want to or need to for your own self care and actually demonstrating to them that they are the only person responsible for themselves. I admire your courage in just letting her find her own way. I couldn't let my BPD be homeless but that was then and this is now. Currently he's doing ok but I realise it can turn on a dime and I may at some point have to. I'm hopeful for the first time. Hope is a sweet thing to have, even if it's just a glimmer.

It's also strange as I think that about all those years of trying to tell/advise/guide my BPDs I thought he wasn't listening because he just wouldn't change his behaviour. I realise two things now: he was listening sometimes and he didn't think he was strong enough to do what was needed for himself. Its heartening that your daughter is receiving support.

Take very good care of yourself. I try and be as light as a fairy but it's not easy!

L

[mggt]

Dear q,  So happy to hear good news hopefully your d will stay on the right path , take care of yourself and try to enjoy the upcoming holidays with your gd and h and d Your always on my mind wondering how you are you have certainly been through the ringer