Need advice concerning BPD mom

[Chantsy]

Ok guys, I really need advice and help with a particular issue regarding my BPD mom. I am waiting on therapy but don't believe I will get in the door (on a waiting list) before this issue needs to be addressed.

Whenever we go to BPD moms place for dinner I have noticed that she handles raw meat then rinses her hands quickly with water, (or nothing at all) and wipes her hands on a kitchen towel. Or she'll go on and touch doors, light switches, my babies hands, the kids food, etc. I work in the food industry and am well aware the food borne illnesses that can transmit from doing this. I tried to bring it to her attention, carefully, but she blew up at me, got very offended and continuously rolled her eyes at me like a teenager. I brought it up again on the phone with her a few weeks later and was met with a fit of rage and how she was being so careful every time (she wasn't) and I got nowhere. The main concern here are my children. They're four, two and eleven weeks old. If they were to get sick the ramifications could be huge. I fear bringing the kids over and, although I have dodged her home for the last four months, I'm starting to run out of excuses!

Christmas is around the corner and I know we will end up at her home. How do I approach this topic with her. How do I keep my kids safe? She seems VERY resistant to changing her ways. My kids are my utmost priority and I couldn't live with myself if one of them got sick or worse from her poor food handling.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Chantsy! 

Welcome to our online family! Sounds like you have a bit of a pickle on your hands... .how to get mom to hear you?

Whenever we go to BPD moms place for dinner I have noticed that she handles raw meat then rinses her hands quickly with water, (or nothing at all) and wipes her hands on a kitchen towel. Or she'll go on and touch doors, light switches, my babies hands, the kids food, etc. I work in the food industry and am well aware the food borne illnesses that can transmit from doing this.

You do have valid concerns, even if she indicates that you don't. It is good that you are putting your children first, and watching for their well being. 

My initial thoughts are these: is it possible that you could offer to bring the meat over all cooked? Perhaps send someone around wiping the handles with disinfecting wipes? Or maybe invite her over to your house where you set a new tradition for the meal? Since you have little ones, you may not have time to do the cooking, but there really is nothing wrong with starting a new idea for the food such as ordering the pre made meal. Can you insist on it, validating her hard work all these past years? Of course she may still get upset and chose to feel rejected anyway, but it is important that you maintain whatever boundary you set. Here are a couple of links for you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict or SET

Some of the other members may have some great ideas too!
 
Wools

[Fie]

Hello Chantsy  

This is about boundaries and of course Wools is right and you have every right to stick to them.
Reading your question I wondered if this is one thing in particular that is bothering you regarding the relationship with your mum ? Or does this happen more often, you wanting to set a clear boundary but not being sure how to do it (or whether to do it) ?

I am asking because more generally I think children of BPD were never taught they could set boundaries. It's something we have to discover for ourselves. So I am guessing this is a more general recurring problem for you ? (I know it is for me)

Also the meat situation you are describing does not feel unsettling for me, but than again I don't work in the food industry, and moreover I'm a vegetarian. So I have no idea on how to handle meat  :-)

[Chantsy]

Wools, thank you for the links. I have, as you suggested, brought over the meat dish but it's not something I haven't been able to do each time we visit. My mom becomes very insistent on being the one to do the cooking and often turns down my request. I have routinely changed out her towels (that she always wipes her raw meat on) but I always find I'm trying to sneak them behind her back and when she notices it leads to eye rolling and disparaging remarks.

I guess my problem is that no matter what I will end up eating at her house from time to time but don't know how to get through to her so that she will take my concern seriously (I guess there's a good chance that she won't... .). I feel I need to bring it up but am afraid of her losing it on me.

[Chantsy]

Hello Chantsy  

This is about boundaries and of course Wools is right and you have every right to stick to them.
Reading your question I wondered if this is one thing in particular that is bothering you regarding the relationship with your mum ? Or does this happen more often, you wanting to set a clear boundary but not being sure how to do it (or whether to do it) ?

I am asking because more generally I think children of BPD were never taught they could set boundaries. It's something we have to discover for ourselves. So I am guessing this is a more general recurring problem for you ? (I know it is for me)

Also the meat situation you are describing does not feel unsettling for me, but than again I don't work in the food industry, and moreover I'm a vegetarian. So I have no idea on how to handle meat  :-)

Yes, setting boundaries is a new experience for me. Before having children I let my mom have her way ALL the time to keep the peace so to speak. Definitely not a healthy option for my own well being but it kept her from seeing me as "bad". Since children I have had to start setting boundaries and, while its mostly worked, I am now in my moms bad books despite trying to maintain somewhat of a 'healthy" relationship with her. Growing up we weren't allowed an opinion unless it matched my moms, much to our detriment, so we're never allowed to really grow into our own.

I do want to set a clear boundary with her but don't know how to successfully do that without major backlash. I hate saying it but I'm 33 years old and my mom can still scare the cr*p out of me.