I am very sorry that you are going through this.
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However for me after 18 years of marriage I slowly eroded away
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a list of about 2 safe topics
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Is divorce what you are wanting? Are you wanting to separate to get some space? Does anybody know what you have been going through?
Thank you so much for writing, and I too am so sad and surprised to read that I am not the only one who has lived through the impossible for 18 years (we too have now been together a little longer than that). You mention 2 safe topics, but I am afraid that even saying hello or responding to her hello can set her off. So I often ignore her greetings even, which does not seem to set her off, however counter-intuitive that seems (it sure seems strange to me at least).
In the last several years, she has been set off by any response of mine to any question that she would ask, unless my response was one of three things: I do not know OR just hmnnn OR whatever you want. This entails the pretty much the entirety of my relationship with her, avoid all interaction and conversing except the above 3 responses. She is cold and mean to our son, and I used to be so afraid of what that would do to him, but he has learned to accept the reality of her inability to love him without losing his self-esteem. He tells me to entirely ignore her even when she is yelling hurtful and untrue things, and he says just don't let it bother you (because he knows if I respond she will scream and escalate). I am proud of him for being able to not feel hurt by her. I wish I could be so strong.
Yes, I do want to be away from her, whether separate or divorce. I am not looking to find a romantic partner. I have given that up for over a decade and just want to continue raising my son and eventually have the peace of her not living in the same place as her.
Only my parents know anything about my situation because we talked about it once, about 10 or so years ago, when she was more violent and I had to (literally) run out of the house with my son every few weeks or so. I used to keep a bag by the door with things to keep me comfortable for a few hours in case I had to run out (like a jacket, gloves, money). When I would come back after a few hours, she would act like nothing at all had happened.
I feel so bad that you have lost so much contact with your kids. That would kill me. I have raised my son, as well as possible in a "war zone", and he is all I live for, which I understand is not considered healthy in the US. It was why I could not leave her in Japan, where the father is not allowed even visitation after divorce, let alone custody, no matter the degree of parental negligence the mother may exhibit.
I wanted to kill myself so badly to escape her, when he young, ages one to five or so, but because I kept myself going because I had to care for him, I made it through. And now I am proud of myself for being here at his age of 13 now. But since that time 10 or so years ago, I have not talked to my parents or anyone else about the devastating and draining life with her. How each year ages you ten. Finding this forum now though, I am happy, but still mostly surprised, to be able to write this now, however embarrassing it is because I keep rambling and returning the topic to my self-pity... .
I really didn't think there were others in this situation. I just assumed everyone else divorced immediately. I tell my son to run fast in the other direction if he ever realizes that he is in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD. I apologize to him often that I cannot model a positive romantic relationship for him with his mother. He often calls her by her first name, and she does not mind (amazing to me). He considers me his mother and father, as I have considered myself, as has been the actual fact.
No verbal interaction with her is safe, and talking about our relationship is not possible in any way shape or form (I tried everything a dozen or so years ago). I have been a translator all my adult life, so it hurt to not be able to communicate with this one person who gave birth to the most important person in my life (my son).
Thank you so so much for being there to let me write this to you. Apologize again for the rambling.
