The BP Chronicles continue

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So she is unhappy today because I didn't leave work earlier than 5pm. My ex picked up the kids today, my oldest has a field trip tomorrow, so rather than have her get up at like 3 in the morning to drive 52 miles to get him to school down here by 6am, I offered to take them a day early.

So I was going to leave to come home and be here by 6. She messages me about 430 to see if I had left and I said no, that there was issue with oldest son taking YMCA bus versus waiting in the car rider line, and I had an IT issue that was being resolved.

She was mad because I didn't tell her I wasn't leaving early, even though we didn't have any plans. She planned to surprise me and meet me and her son for early dinner, since my Bday is tomorrow. So rather than say she was disappointed, I got the BP wrath. I just said I was sorry I would miss them and thanked her for thinking of me.

So when she called then I got the what for about the school.

Then when kids get here, my oldest say mom got married on saturday. BP rage number 2 for the day. She would be throwing chairs if her ex did that to her and didn't tell her. That is a sign of respect, blah blah blah. Then it's "I can't believe you aren't upset about it". "Another man is raising your children". They have been living together since the divorce, so what does a piece of paper mean, really?

So she wanted to complain more about that and I said, I am going to have to get off the phone, I can't talk about this freely with the kids around. So I suppose I will hear more about it later, when I can talk freely.

Why do they take ownership of things that don't matter, or involve them? Second, what could I have realistically done about her getting married if I knew? I just don't get why she is so bent about stuff that doesn't affect her.

But hey, I am not arguing with her, so I am winning! 

[Lockjaw]

So she is unhappy today because I didn't leave work earlier than 5pm. My ex picked up the kids today, my oldest has a field trip tomorrow, so rather than have her get up at like 3 in the morning to drive 52 miles to get him to school down here by 6am, I offered to take them a day early.

So I was going to leave to come home and be here by 6. She messages me about 430 to see if I had left and I said no, that there was issue with oldest son taking YMCA bus versus waiting in the car rider line, and I had an IT issue that was being resolved.

She was mad because I didn't tell her I wasn't leaving early, even though we didn't have any plans. She planned to surprise me and meet me and her son for early dinner, since my Bday is tomorrow. So rather than say she was disappointed, I got the BP wrath. I just said I was sorry I would miss them and thanked her for thinking of me.

So when she called then I got the what for about the school.

Then when kids get here, my oldest say mom got married on saturday. BP rage number 2 for the day. She would be throwing chairs if her ex did that to her and didn't tell her. That is a sign of respect, blah blah blah. Then it's "I can't believe you aren't upset about it". "Another man is raising your children". They have been living together since the divorce, so what does a piece of paper mean, really?

So she wanted to complain more about that and I said, I am going to have to get off the phone, I can't talk about this freely with the kids around. So I suppose I will hear more about it later, when I can talk freely.

Why do they take ownership of things that don't matter, or involve them? Second, what could I have realistically done about her getting married if I knew? I just don't get why she is so bent about stuff that doesn't affect her.

But hey, I am not arguing with her, so I am winning! 

[Lockjaw]

Well calling her later bore no fruit what so ever. She is still mad about it. Wanted to talk over me. So I said, stop talking over me. I don't want to talk about her getting married. Nothing can be done about it. Nothing.

She just kept on. So I said, if you keep on I am going to hang up. Sure enough, she kept on, so I hung up. First thing she does is block face book messenger. SHOCKER!

So I sent her a text and said I am not going to argue about it. She is not worth the space in our heads, and right now she is living rent free in yours. Perhaps you will feel like talking about it in the morning, however, if you talk over me, then I will hang up on you again. I love you and have a good night.

So... .the saga continues.

[Notwendy]

Does your GF want to marry you?

This could be why your ex getting married triggered her.

I'm not a mind reader, but just a hunch.

[Lockjaw]

If she does, you wouldn't know from the things she says. I hear often things like "this is why I don't ever want to get married again".

She thinks for some reason, that this involves her. That I am picking my ex over her and my kids. She thinks I have to just sit back and listen to her rants about whatever she wants to rant about.

I really just want to say to her, what makes you think your opinion on the matter is so vital? Its like we are talking about nuclear missile launch codes or something... .

She said she would be throwing F'n chairs about this. I want to go, you have a masters degree. You aren't some illiterate redneck Jerry Springer show reject. We are talking about a woman who walked out on her two children when there was no abuse or addiction in the home. You really expect her to be responsible and respectful and give me a heads up she is marrying her boyfriend?

And she is like, another man is raising your children. Well, he only sees them 5 out of ever 14 days, and he has a job that keeps him busy. But putting that aside, my ex moved in with him right after our papers were signed and has been living with him for 18 months, so what exactly does having a piece of paper change?

I have been a step parent. You have no real authority.

So she can't figure out why I am not mad about it. Why should I be? Its par for the course. She is like why don't you say something to her? I said what good would come of it ? Oh so  can say something to her, but not my ex? I said I am not dating my ex. My ex isn't going to step up and be a grown up.

Then she said, don't ask me to be their mom... .like I have... .  I mean really. The only person who has been a step parent in our relationship is me. I know how it works. You can't be the step child's parent. They won't accept it unless its on their terms. It takes time, lots of it. So I don't push it, or ask for it, or expect it.

But at the end of the day, its all my fault and I'm an A hole because I don't accept her narrative. And because I won't stay on the phone and listen to her rant about it. And because I am not her. I am me.

[Hisaccount]

I get a lot of stuff like this, or used to.

There is no explanation that can cover this. it is just the broken mind of a person. There is no way of really knowing what set them off all we can do is try to be supportive and understanding.

I had a similar step parent talk. Mine said her kids didn't need me to be a step parent because she already did all the work. LOL
Then complained that she could never be a parent to mine. But she was, she helped raise them, she gave them guidance and they all still call her mom. She just wants to believe she wasn't a parent.

My ex always got so mad find stuff out after the fact or third party, and it made no sense but it set her off in a hurry, she had to be the first to know about everything.

Try to detach, you need to be stable for you and her and the kids. Be a rock.

hang in there, we are all in this together.

[Lockjaw]

It is really frustrating. I diffused several issues already this week, but last night, I was like, if you don't stop I am hanging up. She didn't stop, so I hung up. This kind of thing makes me realize marrying her in her current state would not work for me, because I would not have a place to go if I needed a break. She would follow me where ever I went in the house.

I also don't get why she seems to think that I need to run everything related to my kids by her. I can talk to their mom, and if she and I decide, she is mad because she wasn't included. I just go, WTH? We aren't married, we aren't living together, we just date. How do you get to this level of required communication in a dating arrangement? And of course I usually respond with, I am not consulted when you and your EX make decisions about your son. Nor do I want to be. This is a matter of my respecting HIS DAD and his position as dad. No dad wants a step dad inserting himself into his child's business, much less some boyfriend.

But then I hear, well I am 10 times the mom to them she is. Maybe so, and I appreciate it, but the fact remains, she is still their mom. You have to respect her for that.

So I haven't spoken to her since last night. I sent her a text, she sent me back 3. One was not to text her. So I will honor that. She will of course put it on my permanent record that I didn't call her and seek her out. And I will get a half baked apology, if I get one. I am sure I will get her rightous indignation first though. The "Are you F'n kidding me?" sentence. LOL! I got it last night. Along with she would be throwing F'n chairs.

Ok, go throw some. I will be over here, not letting my ex have free space in my head. You on the other hand, are.