The process, how far are you?

[Broken88]

I am currently almost 3 weeks out of a relationship with my BPDEx.

An quite frankly, i am not really feeling strong enough, to go through this.

So i just wanted to hear if anyone has any form of "timeline" in which the different stages will set in? I know every person is different, and my healing will differ from each of yours, but i am sure some similarities are bound to be there.

- I were in a 6 and a half year relationship, she broke up with me a week after agreeing to marry me. The same day she moved into a house with her best female friend, her husbond, and oh a guy she has been flirting with for about 2 months live there as well... I wrote a longer version of this story in a post a couple of days ago:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301843.0;topicseen

But yea back to the question, i just really want to know if there is any sort of guideline for how long i will be in this hellish suffering. Thinking maybe some goals like that could help me see the light at the end of the tunnel, because right now, it looks pretty dark to me...

[once removed]

im sorry to hear youre hurting, Broken88. its difficult for me to imagine my first three weeks if that tells you anything. i was a mess.

there are some good benchmarks for healing, i think. the stages directly to the right ------> are one. the stages of grief are another, along with susan andersons stages of abandonment.

can you elaborate on your feelings, ups and downs so far? i found it impossible at the time, in the midst of pain, to see the big picture, but in retrospect, every step, no matter how painful, is progress.

[Broken88]

there are some good benchmarks for healing, i think. the stages directly to the right ------> are one. the stages of grief are another, along with susan andersons stages of abandonment.

can you elaborate on your feelings, ups and downs so far? i found it impossible at the time, in the midst of pain, to see the big picture, but in retrospect, every step, no matter how painful, is progress.

I am a mess, but some of the ups, come from, that i for a long time during the relationship, was aware that it was killing me. I feel relieved at some point, about the same things i am missing. Because for me, even the good times in the relationship, was stressful. My downs, so many they are... Well the worst is that feeling, like everything has lost any meaning what so ever... It is like nothing i do matter, unless i go to the extremes, like driving 200 km/t without a seatbelt, on kind of icy roads. Nothing else seems to give me any feeling what so ever, besides sadness, anger and just a feeling of that something is missing.

I can however, on some point, see the bigger picture, if i look through the haze that is my emotions. I have always been a kind of sensitive guy, so this is really getting to me. I am also smoking a bit too much of the green stuff, to cope with this loss... It is really unhealthy also. I just have no other way of coping right now... I am lost, at a loss for words most of the time, it is not easy writing this, as some of it just actually gets discovered while i am writing.

Thanks for responding ! I have by the way read the 5 stages of detachment, and others like it, makes good sense i think... But i am not using my sense at the moment. My emotions got control most of the time...  

[seeperplexed]

I am just approaching 3 months since my break up... .if it's any consolation, I noticed a definite improvement with the welcoming of the 3rd month. I get nauseous thinking back to where I was 3 weeks in. I was a complete devastated mess. I lost a ton of weight, slept 14 hours a day, and obsessed nonstop. It does get better though I absolutely understand it doesn't feel that way. I'm not close to entirely detaching yet, but I have set myself up to better follow through in the coming months. With time and distance and a really strong NC, you WILL get better faster. Hang in.

[Broken88]

I am just approaching 3 months since my break up... .if it's any consolation, I noticed a definite improvement with the welcoming of the 3rd month. I get nauseous thinking back to where I was 3 weeks in. I was a complete devastated mess. I lost a ton of weight, slept 14 hours a day, and obsessed nonstop. It does get better though I absolutely understand it doesn't feel that way. I'm not close to entirely detaching yet, but I have set myself up to better follow through in the coming months. With time and distance and a really strong NC, you WILL get better faster. Hang in.

It helps a bit , and yea i am a complete devastated mess as well, and saw her yesterday, we had to both sign off that we wanted to get out of the apartment we were renting together. We ended up spending the afternoon together, and ofc i was totally destroyed afterwards. I still saw glimpses of the girl i know... But she is so different, just 3 weeks after...

So NC i am not doing well atm... At least i am not contacting her, just being a good dog and replying when she writes...

I know she i with some other guy, and i know she is lying to me and i don't really know why she wants to have contact with me... Because it seems like she doesn't need it. But in 3 months, no more apartment together, and we will have no reason for contacting each other... Hopefully i can be stronger soon, and then tell her that we should just have contact about the apartment and nothing else...

I just miss her so much... This is horrible... I have quit doing hard drugs from day to day, and that was nothing compared to this... at least not in my experience... .

But thanks, it does help every time i know that someone got just a bit better than how i am feeling...

Totally broken... - Hoping for a better future 

[Recovering480]

I'm a week in. It happened last Tuesday morning.  Not out of the blue as we were having problems and I was pulling away once I suspected she had cheated on me. It was how she did it that upset me.  Called me at 1a, drunk, and broke up with me. Called the next morning, claiming she couldn't remember. This was a common thread in our relationship.

Initially I felt relief.  I had the week off as we were supposed to go on a trip together. I used it to go to the gym and I saw a lot of movies.  I took care of myself and felt better. Until she would send me a random text.  One night, it was just a photo of me in my underwear that she had taken months ago. That was it. No words. Just a picture. I replied with a "That was good night." No reply.

I was fine yesterday until she sent me a series of texts demanding her stuff back. I tried standing up for myself and got painted black. Go figure.

But I fell back to the familiar territory.  Sadness, depression, chain smoking. I got a good night's sleep and have been relatively better today.

Whenever I think about missing her, or how much I thought I loved her, I think about the countless times in which she hurt me verbally. Or the passive aggressive behavior. I focus on the fact that yes, I'm sad now. But am I frustrated like I was two weeks ago because she was dismissive in a text after she accused me something? No. It will take time.

[Broken88]

Whenever I think about missing her, or how much I thought I loved her, I think about the countless times in which she hurt me verbally. Or the passive aggressive behavior. I focus on the fact that yes, I'm sad now. But am I frustrated like I was two weeks ago because she was dismissive in a text after she accused me something? No. It will take time.

Recovering480, it seems like you are able, for now at least, to be more rational about all of this. I hope you will stay in that state of mind! I feel moments where i can do the same, only to relapse shortly after. I try to do the same, when i miss her. But sometimes i catch myself even missing the bad times... It's weird for me, that i feel that way. Because when i was in it, it felt like a living h'ell...  

How long were you together? Have you split up before in the relationship? Or is it the first break-up? Is she trying to win you back?

[Recovering480]

I don't think it was our first break-up. There was more than once when she was really drunk and fired off a series of texts saying that it was over. But the next morning she would call and apologize and say she didn't want to break up.  We were together for almost four months.  I know that's nothing compared to most people here and I feel that might be why I'm doing better than I thought.  I just really feel like I got sucked in. I fell for her harder than anyone before. Everytime we had these fights, it killed me.

No, I havent heard from her since yesterday.  She dropped off my stuff (I wasnt home) and I told her I wanted the money back that I gave her to buy food for the trip I didnt go on. She responded with a series of texts about how much food I ate at her house and that if anything, I owed her... .I didnt respond because it was so petty and immature.  I never itemized expenses (movies, tickets, dinners) and never expected those in return. That was the last thing I heard from her. Oh, she blocked me on facebook and unfollowed me on Instagram. She's 40 years old... .

[Broken88]

Recov480:

Wow, a really messed up experience you had! After 4 months of my relationship, i already had witnessed suicide attempts and really erratic behavior. So you might still be hit harder by this than you think, and you need to be strong if she comes back, because there is a chance that this is not your final breakup, and she will try to recycle the relationship.

You must be really careful no matter what you do, the pull of a person with BPD, can be so appealing that it is impossible to resist... I know if mine tried to get me back now, even when i know with almost certainty that she has been with another guy, i would not be able to resist the temptation for one more ride on the roller coaster that was our relationship.

But i really hope that you will get through this in a somewhat easy manor, because the hell that most of us are going through, is not to be recommended!

[Recovering480]

On a side note: I realized that this wasn't my first rodeo.  I met someone online back in the spring. We went out once, had a good time.  Second night, she told me she loved me and thought about marriage. I was flattered. A week later, she disappeared and wouldn't respond to text/phone calls. I was sad, but after a few days, I was fine.  It was only a week after all.  She followed me Instagram and I liked some of my posts. This weekend she reached out (wonder why?) and asked if we could meet for a drink. I said yes, but after reading so much material on BPD, I realize that she has the same traits.  We're supposed to meet on Thursday, but I'm not going to go.

[Recovering480]

Thank you Broken88.  It was four months, but it was sheer hell.  She might cool down in a few days, but realistically? She threatened to call the police yesterday. She told me I was lazy (I work two jobs) and that was why she didnt want to be with me.  I work two jobs so I can afford to take her out and treat her like the princess she wanted. That "lazy" comment got under my skin. But I learned after four months not to take anything she says with a grain of salt. Especially when she's angry.
Regardless, after all that... .I'd be a fool to return. ALL my friends look at me in shock and ask "Why did you put up with this for so long?"

That's the hard part. Because that wasn't me.

Anyways brother, I wish you the best and I hope you heal soon. I'm older than you and I can honestly tell you, one day you will look back and laugh that this affected you. I'm taking some comfort in realizing how many of us there are. And my stories, your stories, are not unique.

[Broken88]

On a side note: I realized that this wasn't my first rodeo.  I met someone online back in the spring. We went out once, had a good time.  Second night, she told me she loved me and thought about marriage. I was flattered. A week later, she disappeared and wouldn't respond to text/phone calls. I was sad, but after a few days, I was fine.  It was only a week after all.  She followed me Instagram and I liked some of my posts. This weekend she reached out (wonder why?) and asked if we could meet for a drink. I said yes, but after reading so much material on BPD, I realize that she has the same traits.  We're supposed to meet on Thursday, but I'm not going to go.

Good idea not to go! If you attracted another girl with BPD, chances are that you might have some issues you have to work through, and you will not do that, while being with a girl with BPD.

You are smart to leave early, on the long run it will hurt you deeply. On this site you can find a lot of information about how to spot borderline, and you will read a lot of stories that ended in hellfire and destruction on a devastating scale. It is not that they mean to cause this, i just think it is inevitable for them... I will try to be careful with who i let get close to me. I can't handle this one more time

[Recovering480]

Broken88, yeah this made me realize a lot about my upbringing.  This behavior was exactly like my mother's. 

I even told my mom today over email what happened. I went into a few details. Her response? "Learning curve".

That was it. Anyway, that's a whole other post. But all of this made me realize things about myself.

[Broken88]

Thank you Broken88.  It was four months, but it was sheer hell.  She might cool down in a few days, but realistically? She threatened to call the police yesterday. She told me I was lazy (I work two jobs) and that was why she didnt want to be with me.  I work two jobs so I can afford to take her out and treat her like the princess she wanted. That "lazy" comment got under my skin. But I learned after four months not to take anything she says with a grain of salt. Especially when she's angry.
Regardless, after all that... .I'd be a fool to return. ALL my friends look at me in shock and ask "Why did you put up with this for so long?"

That's the hard part. Because that wasn't me.

Anyways brother, I wish you the best and I hope you heal soon. I'm older than you and I can honestly tell you, one day you will look back and laugh that this affected you. I'm taking some comfort in realizing how many of us there are. And my stories, your stories, are not unique.

I know the feeling! I never put up with stuff like this before... and i was in it for 6 fcking years... But i also find some comfort in, that this is not unique, this has all happened before in different sizes and shapes, but basically the same thing. And i agree with you, even if it is hard to see now, in a couple of weeks/months/years depending on how it all goes, i will look back at this time and laugh. And probably be happy for the stuff i learned about myself, and what not to do - I wish all the best for you too! Stay strong an be careful... , oh and yea about the lazy comment, my girlfriend also said weird stuff about me, that was really mostly about how she saw herself i think, and then i was there, to take the hurt away from her and on to me.  

[Broken88]

Recovering480

Yes it is another post, but it is good that you are looking at yourself like that. Because one of the reasons, i think, for us finding girls who has this disorder, and for them to find us, is our own personal demons.

If we can sort out our own personal stuff, it will be easier to find emotionally healthy relationships. Or so i have read  .

I am sorry to hear that your mom is so emotionally unavailable. My mom is overly emotional, so it is in the other side of the ditch ( is a danish saying don't really know if it translates ) but you probably know what i mean

[lovenature]

I won't sugar coat things, you have a long way to go. You are right in saying we are all different, as are our PWBPD.
I am now almost a year out from my 4+ year relationship with my uBPDexgf; I found my recovery hasn't been linear, some of the worst times were early on into NC, but also not that long ago. Recovery is affected by what is happening in your life as well ( I recently lost a close family member and this has caused me to backslide somewhat in my recovery ).

Depression causes us to have a distorted view of ourselves and reality, much like being in the FOG.

I have almost fully detached at this point. Learning about BPD helped a lot in maintaining NC, and helped me to heal by being able to understand why things went the way they did. When we learn why we stayed in an unhealthy relationship it allows us to improve ourselves to avoid it happening again, VERY painful going down that road, but necessary when the time is right.

I believe it is best to allow yourself to think your thoughts and feel your feelings, just let them come and go as best you can. The only way out is through, and it is best not to put a timeline on your recovery, it will take what it takes.
The less you fight things and try to force your recovery, the better it will go for you.