Wife of 10 years filed for divorce, too late?

[Hisaccount]

Okay, I have been reading this message board for days and I really appreciate everyone and everything posted. I thank you all very much. It has helped. Now it is my turn to reach out for support.

My back story. Been married for 10 years, wife filed for divorce a couple weeks ago. I and her parents always knew something was wrong, we thought it was Asperger syndrome. I thought I had been managing it well but after she filed I was devastated, still am. (hence I need support)
I sought counseling, turns out I have become very co-dependent. Thinking this was related to Asperger or something deeper we kind of stumbled across BPD.
The more I read it was like WOW that is my life. I think it is too late. As I call it the switch has flipped, I am the most evil person on the planet and the cause of all of her troubles.
She owns her own business and it is failing, that stress she cannot separate from me. So she thinks by moving out she will be able to function again.
I see so many traits that say this is it. This is my answer, but now she will never believe me as any attempt to place the smallest blame on her results in her pinning it back on me.
She will not seek help because she thinks she is fine and she says it will ruin her professional reputation.

Because of my co-dependence I have taken responsibility for everything, every time I try to push back or argue she has an answer that puts it back on me. Says I am no longer a man. She doesn't trust me when I tell her it will be okay that I will fix it.
She says there is no chance at a relationship again ever but we can be friends, which I cannot do. But I fear abandoning her will destroy her even worse.

Beyond all my issues, understand I love this girl with all of my heart and even with the issues she has I am willing to live with them forever.
I know I should run, that is smart, but my heart says fight for her and I don't know how. Normal doesn't work.

It is crazy how she is all the sudden mad about stuff that I have never heard before, that for 10 years she apparently as kept buried.

Should I be addressing the things that she has complained about? Like the birthday present I forgot to give her 8 years ago? Should I go buy her one? Do I buy her a Christmas present this year?
Or do I cut her off and wait for her to come back to me?

She only remembers the bad, none of the good, We were happy just a couple months ago. Now she cannot remember those times.

I am not ready to completely cut my losses here. Deep down I think that is the answer, move on. But I believe she was my one shot at happiness, even if I never have that. I still want her to succeed and have a good life. I owe her that much.

My heart hurts I could write for hours, but any help on resolution with her would be helpful, this is all new to me.

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[malibu4x]

I feel your pain.  Going through very similar situation.  Have been struggling for years, and as you say it, "the switch has flipped" this week for her towards me - deeper and darker than ever before.   

I can see that you love your wife.  That is huge if there is ever any chance to make it work.

Your story is very similar to mine.  Every time we argue she puts it back on me.  Blames me for the "failure" that is her life  (when it is not a failure - she just hasn't achieved some things that she wanted to at this point, but she has raised two amazing kids  (10 & 9), and is a kind hearted, charitable soul, always helping those in need of some support... .but at home it is a different story.

A big part of being able to "stay" is that you are able to see the person as someone who didn't ask for this disorder, doesn't want it, but can't escape.  You can't blame them for their upside down world just as you wouldn't blame a diabetic for their disease.  There are things going on in her brain right now that she can't control (without a lot of patience, hard work, empathy).

The Lessons are a great place to start  (I'm still going through them).  I also just started reading a book called "Overcoming BPD: A Family Guide for Healing and Change" and the first 100 pages or so have helped me step back and really realize that she is stuck, and she can't get out without a ton of accepting her for as she is right now, not trying to change her, but really work on the things that I can control  (like how I respond to her rages, accusations, little digs, and criticisms throughout the day, sucking me into drama, etc.).    I have been dealing with this for years, trying to use rational conversation to "help her see" things that she is not seeing clearly.  Only to make the problem worse.   

When she is raging and emotional, all she can feel are those hurt terrible feelings.  In my experience, simply stating you "I hear that you are angry that I forgot your b-day.  I'm sorry."  allows her to be validated. Then you can move on.  But unfortunately, for too many years I have said things like "Seriously?  I can't believe you would bring that up - I just threw you an amazing b-day party this past year!" And then try to convince her that she is ridiculous for saying that.   Then she calls me mean and abusive... .   (and you know what - I just validated her justification that I am mean and abusive). 

If she will not  get counseling, you can (and must) still take care of yourself.  Find a good therapist skilled in DBT, read some of the books in the Book Review section.  Do the Lessons (on the right side of the page).   With practice and time you can change your responses to her, and validate her in ways that she needs, and you may be able to save the marriage, and help her.

Don't believe though, that she "was your one shot at happiness". 
She can succeed and have a good life with or without you, but don't get sucked into rescuing her, at loss of your self respect.   With mindfulness techniques, therapy, and tools, you will be able to see more clearly the path forward and be able to make peaceful decision to stay or go.   

[Hisaccount]

Very well thought out, Thank you.
I talked to her parents tonight and they don't want to get into the middle which I never expected them too, what really surprised me was that her dad who as obviously has lived through this with her mom, he wants to deny it, but I hope he reads some on it.
The hope they did give me is that she said she still loves me and I am not an evil person but she is so mad at me right now she cannot function.
So if I needed something to hold onto that would be it.
However I think that it is too late, she is so stubborn and told everyone we are getting divorced, she will not go back on her word.
So it is what will be left after the divorce. If I NC and move on. I will move on. It will never be the same and if she understood that she would look at all of this differently I think.
So the waiting game begins. Who can hold out longer LOL.

I have always done well with the raging because I thought she was Asperger, that is what makes it so hard, she reaches so far, so deep to find reasons to hate me and they are new ones every time we talk.

You know that last one was, when she moved in I did not have empty drawers waiting for her, so that means I didn't want her living with me.
Now the truth is, she already had drawers full of clothes there at my house but apparently she expected I would empty more for her.
Seeing through that half truth doesn't matter because I certainly cannot argue that point. I simply say, I am sorry, I didn't realize I did that. I am sure that is very painful.
Doesn't matter, she still holds it against me.

I am sure many people have gone through this but what really sucks is changing my whole life to try and make this work, abandoning friends, giving up hobbies, deeper in debt. It is never enough. I never kept the safeguards in place for me to help me survive it.

[Bamboo]

Thank you for sharing. Your experience is eerily similar to mine: wife of ten years, who actually used the words "switch flipped," and has brought up buried resentment from even before we were married.

I can't offer much advice, but please know you are not alone. And reading your story has helped me feel not so crazy and alone.

[Hisaccount]

Wondering if anyone else has these same thoughts that I did.

Like how many times over the years I was so mad that I wanted a divorce?
Or how the lack of sex or intimacy was debilitating? How you are always the one asking for it, You are always the one reaching to hold hands, or give hugs. Or how you asked her to wear that skirt and she resents you because you made her wear that skirt.
How amazing it was when they were on their highs, like spending money.
Then the nights where you didn't want to go home for fear of argument.

This is one thing that I think sums up my relationship really well. My wife's last addiction was video games. We have a couch that reclines. I would be ready to go to bed and go to give her a kiss good night. I  would have to move stuff out of the way so I could lean over all the way to kiss her. She would not lean forward even 1 inch to meet me for that good night kiss and I have a bad back.
But wow if I didn't give her a kiss good night then I really got in trouble.
I always had to give but she never did.

I could have basically made a check list of things I needed to do to try and keep her happy. Yet she had to do nothing.

What about the confused memories? You guys have that? Here is one of mine. We have two dogs, we were talking about helping around the house which she does nothing. She said she trimmed the dogs toenails just last week. Even after I told her the clippers had been in my pickup for the last 6 months she swears she did them last week. Of course we all know I cannot win that argument and I am wrong.

Or doing dishes, she believes she does them as much as me. I know she does them like once every three months.
But we can never argue any of that. It will just escalate.

I try to help her with her laundry and she says why now since you haven't done it for years, but demanded years ago for me to stop doing it for her.

She complains that I never tiled her bathroom floor, but neither did she and she is the one that has done all the tile work in all of our homes. Rooms that never got painted, but then she never painted them either, but somehow it is all my fault it never got done. So I guess I was not a good leader?
I am a workaholic, I never stop moving. Yet she thinks I am lazy because I am not doing the projects she wanted done.

Did you ever have the talks where you were going to both try again, give it your all, then you jump in with both feet and she does nothing? She didn't do anything to address any of your concerns but again you up heaved your whole life to try and make it work with her?

Funny how all these things we go through and yet I still want her so badly. Is this the emotional damage they do to us?
How is it I so firmly believe I will never be as happy as she made me again? Or I will never find someone as pretty. That I will never be okay again. How I would continue to give up all of my happiness to make her happy.

Earlier this summer after another failed attempt at trying again with her, I decided that was it, I gave it my all and when I told her we are not compatible she immediately goes into defense mode saying we are perfectly compatible but then does nothing to help me fix it or keep me.

The continued rejection, isolation, abandonment. Feelings of being a failure.

I see all you guys that go through the same heart break that I am and it makes no sense why we do this but we cannot control where our hearts go.

[malibu4x]

I feel you brother.  All the same here. 

I've started reading this book this past week, and it has been given me a new lease on life.
Has helped me to see her condition with much more compassion, acceptance, and understanding.
Has allowed me to stop the little arguments back and forth over meaningless stuff (dishes, laundry, etc.)... .and let go of those things a bit. 

I have already started to see some changes in her, just due to me responding to her emotions, but not reacting.

https://bpdfamily.org/2011/03/how-to-support-someone-with-borderline.html

[Hisaccount]

I will update a little bit.
I have had lots of ups and downs. She reached out to me last night and it was going great but I did not respond properly and the conversation turned.
I need to learn how to empathize better, so been reading the tools on this site.

It was going so well. I need to be better. It is all on me. She will reach out again soon. Next time I will do better.

I do have to say reading on this site gives mixed emotions. I go from I am glad she is gone to I want her back.
Right now I still want her back but I have more confidence that I will be fine if it doesn't happen.