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[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi. My name is Lisa, Im 31. I feel so alone, sad, helpless. I also feel quite vulnerable posting about my life but I guess it's cathartic if nothing else. So here it is, my life as it pertains to BPD... .

My father left our family when I was 8. He was an alcoholic, very selfish, immature etc. From the age of 8 to 20 we had a very strained relationship. My father could be fun, loving, supportive and present if he was in a good place in his own life. BUT if he was drinking or in a bad relationship he would revert to his negative, selfish, self centred ways. However, everything changed when he met "Georgette". His ups and downs stopped for the most part. He was active in mine and my sisters life. Sure he would still tell inappropriate jokes, spend money impulsively etc. But he seemed much more 'normal'. He was sober. I finally had the relationship with my father that i always wanted... .and needed.

One year ago my father and "Georgette" separated. I dont know the full details but I know their finances, my fathers moods, his 'sexual addiction' all played a part. So today my father is back to his old ways and our relationship is hanging on by a thread.

I really feel that I have lost my dad for the second time in my life. I struggle even talking to him on the phone. His moods change by the second. For example, today my sister said he was in a good mood so I should call him. Well, by the time I phoned he was sad and ranting about taking a gun to the local mall (this is an ongoing statement he has always made to express his disprleasure with life... .no real intent). He has health issues but he wont follow his doctors advice because he is "a pill pusher" or "he only wants to make a payment on his porch". He rants and rages about anything and everything. He expresses suicidal ideas frequently (one prior attempt when I was a child). He also likes to get reactions from people by saying or doing inappropriate things but then gets upset when he gets the exact reaction he was looking for! For example, my niece recently turned 2 and he bought her a bulk bag of jelly beans. Then as he looks at my sister and I he attempts to open the bag and feed them to her! He was told several times to stop but he didnt. We eventually had to take them away and he was left sulking. His moods and behaviours are just so all consuming. Meanwhile I have a 8 month old baby who I would love to talk to him about... .if he cared.

My father is aware that his behaviours are impulsive. He knows his moods fluctuate. He even admits that he behaves inappropriately although he doesnt know why or how to stop. At this point in my life I really dont think my dad will change much. I just wish he could understand that I still need him. I miss him. Im so mad at him. I just dont get how he could be so normal for those years and then just like that go back to being... .an ass.

Thank you all for listening. My hope is that I will learn how to manage my relationship so that his moods do not dictate my moods.

L

[CanadianDaughter]

Hi. My name is Lisa, Im 31. I feel so alone, sad, helpless. I also feel quite vulnerable posting about my life but I guess it's cathartic if nothing else. So here it is, my life as it pertains to BPD... .

My father left our family when I was 8. He was an alcoholic, very selfish, immature etc. From the age of 8 to 20 we had a very strained relationship. My father could be fun, loving, supportive and present if he was in a good place in his own life. BUT if he was drinking or in a bad relationship he would revert to his negative, selfish, self centred ways. However, everything changed when he met "Georgette". His ups and downs stopped for the most part. He was active in mine and my sisters life. Sure he would still tell inappropriate jokes, spend money impulsively etc. But he seemed much more 'normal'. He was sober. I finally had the relationship with my father that i always wanted... .and needed.

One year ago my father and "Georgette" separated. I dont know the full details but I know their finances, my fathers moods, his 'sexual addiction' all played a part. So today my father is back to his old ways and our relationship is hanging on by a thread.

I really feel that I have lost my dad for the second time in my life. I struggle even talking to him on the phone. His moods change by the second. For example, today my sister said he was in a good mood so I should call him. Well, by the time I phoned he was sad and ranting about taking a gun to the local mall (this is an ongoing statement he has always made to express his disprleasure with life... .no real intent). He has health issues but he wont follow his doctors advice because he is "a pill pusher" or "he only wants to make a payment on his porch". He rants and rages about anything and everything. He expresses suicidal ideas frequently (one prior attempt when I was a child). He also likes to get reactions from people by saying or doing inappropriate things but then gets upset when he gets the exact reaction he was looking for! For example, my niece recently turned 2 and he bought her a bulk bag of jelly beans. Then as he looks at my sister and I he attempts to open the bag and feed them to her! He was told several times to stop but he didnt. We eventually had to take them away and he was left sulking. His moods and behaviours are just so all consuming. Meanwhile I have a 8 month old baby who I would love to talk to him about... .if he cared.

My father is aware that his behaviours are impulsive. He knows his moods fluctuate. He even admits that he behaves inappropriately although he doesnt know why or how to stop. At this point in my life I really dont think my dad will change much. I just wish he could understand that I still need him. I miss him. Im so mad at him. I just dont get how he could be so normal for those years and then just like that go back to being... .an ass.

Thank you all for listening. My hope is that I will learn how to manage my relationship so that his moods do not dictate my moods.

L

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi CanadianDaughter, 

Thank you for sharing some of your story with us. I'm sorry that your relationship with your dad is so difficult, especially now. That is nearly your whole childhood that was affected by his instability and mood swings. It is so hard on a child who only wants to be loved. 

 

So today my father is back to his old ways and our relationship is hanging on by a thread.

This is so much what we see in a pwBPD. The unstableness is very difficult for us, yet so normal for them. I suppose it is also normal for us in a sense that we don't know much of any other way with them. My mom was an uBPD, and to this day I still have trouble with moody behaviors in people. That's part of why I am on this board, so that I can learn to heal and cope with the unhealthy things I learned in my childhood from my uBPDm.

What have you read so far to help you with understanding BPD? I am going to post a link for you of a book written by a woman who's mom was uBPD. She writes from our perspective, of what it was like to grow up in such a home, and how it has affected her life. She doesn't leave you hanging though and shows how she has been able to unpack her past and bring it into the present and thus become much healthier.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298995.0

I can tell that you are a great D who really loves her dad and wants to share life with him.  Good for you! Don't give up, but work on healing yourself and that will improve your view of yourself and allow you to relate to your dad in a healthier manner. Have you ever considered starting T with someone who understands BPD?

 
Wools