Day 1

[Idesellenrof]

Well,

I did it, I went "no contact" on him. We were together for just under a year and I couldn't cope with the chaos. It feels like dying, like all the color has bled out of my life. He cried, threatened suicide, said I was making a big mistake... .And so on and so on.

 My guilt is enormous, but I keep going back to how terrible it was when he would spin out... .Which was so frequent, and so unpredictable... .And even now, I know that if I came back to him- it would be an endless punishment... .Getting berated and barked at... .Living in his anger and misery and being blamed for being unable to help. Having him go on and on about how I'm not supportive enough, I'm too sensitive, I'm never around enough... .He has to walk on eggshells around ME... .Even though my life was essentially revolving around his moods and explosions... .I remember wishing he would be okay so WE could be okay... .

I'm just now coming to terms with my own codependency in this relationship... .And I tried to e plain that to him... .But naturally... .All that mattered was that he didn't want me to leave him... .We love each other too much

Etc etc etc

I could really use some encouragement, I know I have to hold fast and not contact him, I have to get my life back on track and recover from all the chaos he brought in... .That I allowed him to bring in... .I can't fall for the sweet talk... .The dream weaving... .

Help

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Idesellenrof-

I notice you've been here since Monday, and you've posted on the Improving, Conflicted, Saving, and now the Detaching board, a whirlwind, one I'm very familiar with.  From your latest post it sounds like it's over, and we will support you in that decision.  There's an acronym we use around here FOG, which is fear, obligation and guilt, you mention the guilt and the other's might apply too, and point is it takes a while of not communicating with our ex for the fog to clear.  It's helpful at this point to focus on the future, intentionally, which is hard because you're still likely emotionally enmeshed with him, but an intentional focus on the future will help you counteract the natural pull to the past right now.  For starters, you might set your sights on 90 days of zero communication with him, and if you do that the fog will likely clear by then, and you can start on the grand adventure that is complete detachment.  Does that sound like something that fits with where you're at?

[Idesellenrof]

It does... .I was directed here, and as I spent the last 2 days reading everyone's posts, I was like... ."God, I don't want this... .It's been a year... .I don't want this for 4 or 10 or 20 years... ."

And I realized I could change... .I could do all of these things to try to be better for him... .But I needed to be better for me... .To stop emptying myself for someone to whom it meant so little... .It made no difference in his treatment of me... .And I found this site so late in the game... .Having already done so much "wrong", his anger is in place, and there's no starting over... .

Of all the things I've read here, the articles on codependency have been the most eye-opening... .I want off the chaos bus,

I'll try for 90 days as of now... .

Thank you, please continue to advise, I need it because I feel awful about my choice right now, even though I know I don't really have another... .

[fromheeltoheal]

OK, good deal, let's do that.  Notice over there ------------>
are the 5 stages of detachment, ones we work through naturally as we detach, and it's helpful to make emotional detachment a project, the best kind, this is our life, plus it helps us focus on the future and where we're going, instead of the past, which will be on your mind for a while.  How long has it been since you've communicated with him?

[Idesellenrof]

About 8 hours... .I suppose, give or take.