Trying to heal

[eden33]

Hi everyone. I could use some support/guidance.

A few days ago I got out of a relationship with someone I've been with for over a year now. We're both teenagers, so it feels as though it's been forever. I guess I should explain our history.

We met in my country, but she moved away a few months later. We were long distance friends. For a few months everything seemed fine. I'd never had someone in my life who seemed so dedicated to keeping our relationship alive. Texting every second of the day, calling whenever we could. I really thought she saw the best in me. I thought I was happy, and in retrospect I was. This was during the end of 2015. A few days after the beginning of 2016, she called me one night, hysterical. She was suicidal and I spent the entire night just trying to calm her down, reading to her, anything. I had no idea what to do, I couldn't call emergency services in her country or contact her parents. I just had to rely on myself. I stayed on the phone with her the entire night. I didn't close my eyes, I was too scared, I just made sure she was asleep. When she woke up, she told me that she was alright and that this was normal for her. She hung up and went to school. She implied that if I told anyone about what had happened that she'd out me (I'm gay and closeted), which would have been devastating. It would have ruined my life, in all honestly. I just cried and cried. This was when I first knew that she was suffering from something. Episodes like this became more frequent, she became more comfortable with telling me how she felt. I had just moved to a new city and I had no one else to turn to or ask for advice. I just told myself I was strong. I thought that she would move on from me eventually. She began to rely more on me instead. But along with this trust she placed in me, she became irritable and unkind. She would tell me that she never loved me, that we would never make it this far away, and block me on everything. Then come back a day later crying and telling me how much she loved me and wanted a future with me. At first this happened only once. And then twice a month. Then once a week. Now it has been literally almost every other day. Her treatment of me has been nothing short of cruel in addition to this. I'm devalued and stripped down whenever her anger flares up. If she doesn;t like the way I speak or if I'm too quiet I get treated like an idiot. Anytime she feels abandoned or slighted by me, even when it's purely accidental she explodes. I've learned to keep a clear head, to distance myself from what she says. I tried once a few months to leave for my own mental health, but she grew suicidal and i couldn't leave knowing that I could possibly be the cause of her death. That night she confessed romantic feelings for me and I was so emotionally drained and scared that I just told her what she wanted to hear so she would calm down. I don't know if that was cruel of me. I just wanted the both of us to survive the night. This made her even more intertwined with me.

It has almost been a year since that night she first told me and I look at myself and I feel so transparent and tired. I am exhausted. I've been held in this for fear of her life, for fear of becoming like everyone else who abandoned her. I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be different like she told me I was. It's silly of me I know. But I've lost 10 pounds due to stress. I can't sleep anymore. I see her typing a certain way and I know she's in a mood and my stomach drops and I can't enjoy anything. I have fallen out of love with life when a year ago I loved nothing more.

A few nights ago we got into an argument, like the many that we've had. Routine almost. But when she called me to try to apologize (aka make me apologize for upsetting her) I could not find it in me to continue. My mom had hugged me earlier that day and told me how proud she was that I'm almost an adult. My life hasn't even begun yet. In that moment I knew that it couldn't continue like this. I told her it was over. She could say whatever she liked about me to whoever she liked. She screamed and cried. Called be horrible things. Told me that I better not show up to her funeral. She told me this was it. I f-ed it all up, and then she just hung up. I told an adult how she was feeling. I couldn't sleep. I blocked her on everything. There hasn't been any contact between us since.

It's impossible to try and explain every little thing that we shared or all of our story. There was happiness too, and she isn't a horrible person. Just very sick. All I know is that I want to heal. I'm not even an adult yet and I feel old. I know now that leaving doesn't make me weak. It makes me strong. Maybe staying never did. I no longer have the weight of the world on my shoulders. The only thing I see now is the road ahead of me. It's bright and kind.

These next few weeks I know will be hard due to the separation, and I have a lot of recovery to do on my own. If any of you have advice it would mean the world to me.

Have a good day everyone, thank you for reading   (I know it's a little word-vomity, I apologize)

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi eden-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through that, it sounds painful and confusing, although it's not unique around here, we understand.  Honestly you sound good, level headed, and have set your sights on the weeks ahead as you grieve the loss of the relationship.  Point is you don't sound conflicted, and good for you, and the advice I would give includes taking care of yourself very well, feeling all your emotions all the way through them, and reading and writing here as much as you need to.  Did you have any specific questions at this point?

Take care of you!

[Lonely_Astro]

Hi Eden,

Sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. The fallout of these relationships are not easy. Not at all.  What's important now is that you focus on you. Feel your feelings and process the loss/end of the relationship.

One thing I want to mention is that you are in no way responsible for her feelings or actions. I know you're young and get tired of hearing us old folks say things that are tough sound so easy. Most of us on this board have been where you are before... .that's why we are here.

I do advise you to seek a professionals help, though. You're going to have many questions and feelings as the days pass and they can help. With that said, please keep posting. It helps to talk to those that have been through it too.

Again, please understand that she was broken long before you. You didn't do this to her. You're not responsible for her or her actions, whatever those actions may be.

[Dutched]

For 2 reasons reading your story made me to react on what you experienced.

You are good young, empathic and listening and helping the person you love from a long distance.

The other reason is that I am glad to see your self awareness!
The self awareness that prevented you from becoming a total wrack at this young age. Chapeau!
 
Your girlfriend totally relied on you to sooth her emotional rollercoaster.
For you, as the strong one, it strengthened the emotional bond you experienced, in feeling ‘I found the love of off my life’.  But… were you responsible for her behaviour, for the ways she felt?

What I am going to write might sound very painful at this moment as your love is still alive.
You dodged a bullet, so to say. A bullet that would have caused continuous emotional harm. Wondering how to get her back on baseline, wondering why you deserved the sudden coldness as she was warm an loving a moment before.

Long ago…I was a teenager too, meanwhile raised kids who are beyond there teenage years, so this guy speaks out of some sort experience.
Although it might sound as clichés:
Grieve and just feel miserable (yes it helps) and if you feel so don’t hesitate to seek professional help!
Talk and talk to your parents and ask them to help and motivate you to pick up life.
Continue and /or pick up your activities, sports, hanging out with friends, etc.

And above all, one day you feel proud again! As you experienced ‘something’ that will help you to see healthy / unhealthy behaviour in other people in order to set and stick to your boundaries.

Years ago I said and later wrote similar to a young man after the sudden break up with a girl he adored and wanted to marry. 
He grieved for almost a year and, as he didn’t believed me I guess, seeing me made him to ignore me.
Some years later, walking on the sideboard he approached me. First he thanked me for showing him, then he proudly introduced his (nice and warm looking) girlfriend, told that they bought a house and were getting married.

You get there young man. Don’t worry!

[joeramabeme]

eden33

Welcome to BPD family.

I am in amazement at the level of your maturity!  Bravo!

In addition to what everyone here has said, do you know why you are attracted to this woman?  If you can explore this question some, it will pay big dividends throughout your life... .

[eden33]

Hi everyone,

fromheeltoheal - Thank you for being so welcoming The question I guess I'm grappling with the most right now is whether or not I should look into therapy. I know it's obviously an individual choice, but it's something I'd have to find funds/support for and I really want to make a sound decision. I'm dealing with a lot of guilt/depression right now, and no matter how much I'm able to rationalize it in my head, I can't shake it. I just don't know if waiting it out and dealing with it on my own would cause more damage in the long run. If you or anyone else has any experience with seeking therapy after this kind of breakup I'd appreciate it so much.

Lonely_Astro - Thank you for the reminder that her issues aren't because of me, honestly. It's way  different telling yourself that in comparison to someone else telling you like it is.

Dutched - I've honestly felt that getting out of the relationship would be dodging a bullet too for months now. It's been a source of a lot of guilt for me, but any time I would try to imagine a future with her, I just saw us growing closer and closer until I'd lose myself completely in her. I'm in no way trying to imply that BPD relationships can't be wholesome, but she needed a level of support that I wasn't able to give her now and I probably wouldn't be able to provide in the future either. I guess sometimes you can love someone and still not be compatible. Thank you for sharing your stories and reaching out to me. It means the world.

joeramabeme - Thank you for being so kind I've been thinking a lot about why I was attracted to her in the first place, and I definitely think it's deeper than me just falling into all this. I have a lot of introspection to do, I'm just not sure how to do it is all.

Have a good day!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi eden-

The question I guess I'm grappling with the most right now is whether or not I should look into therapy. I know it's obviously an individual choice, but it's something I'd have to find funds/support for and I really want to make a sound decision. I'm dealing with a lot of guilt/depression right now, and no matter how much I'm able to rationalize it in my head, I can't shake it. I just don't know if waiting it out and dealing with it on my own would cause more damage in the long run. If you or anyone else has any experience with seeking therapy after this kind of breakup I'd appreciate it so much.

Bottom line is going to therapy is never a bad thing, talking about your stuff with someone who is trained to listen and help can only give you info and choices you may not have considered.  There's the cost of course, but therapy is often covered by insurance plans, something to look into?  And the biggest thing is finding someone you connect with, which you won't know until you have a few sessions, and you can always change therapists if it isn't working out.  You can address the issues yourself too, with us, with books, with good info, and I get your concern that it would cause more damage, the key being to talk about what's going on with you to people you trust, and a good, trusted friend can be as good as a paid professional for that; things only tend to go sideways when we bottle things up and don't talk to anyone.

You do sound especially grounded, so run with that, and guilt and depression are common once these relationships end, so you might just be right where you're supposed to be.  Take care of you!

[Lonely_Astro]

I agree with heel here. Guilt and depression are normal responses we feel at the failure of one of these relationships. Over the course of it, we were conditioned to believe that we were (at least in part) to blame for their behavior. Few like to admit this, but we are victims of abuse. Some physically, some emotionally, and some of us were victims of both... .but we're all victims. Well, we were.  That has changed, that's why we are here.

Eden, what you're experiencing is normal. It's all part of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). There is a good article on this site that explains FOG. Please read about it. The more information you can read from reputable sites about cluster B disorders and their patterns, the more insight you will see about the nature of how this relationship progressed.

If you can find a therapist, please do. I understand funding can be an issue, but you would be surprised at the number of them out there who would be willing to help for little or no money, given your age and circumstances. It's worth talking to a few of them to find the one you like best and is willing to help, given your circumstances.

Keep healing.

[lovenature]

I've been thinking a lot about why I was attracted to her in the first place, and I definitely think it's deeper than me just falling into all this. I have a lot of introspection to do, I'm just not sure how to do it is all.

Hey eden

I can recommend a book that might help you understand why you got into one of these relationships: co-dependant no more by Melody Beattie, I would recommend you learn enough about BPD and get far enough along in your detachment before reading it though because what you learn about yourself can be very painful. Take it one day at a time and look after yourself.